stream of consciousness, cuz that's how i roll...
what is belief? what does it mean to believe something? how do you check it? what if you think you believe something, you want to believe something, but in reality you believe something else? for example, i WANT to believe in the power of the cross and jesus' resurrection and the gospel &c, but do i actually? i THINK i believe it… but if i do, why is it not showing in my *visible* actions? does belief always manifest itself in actions? if not, how does it manifest itself? is the manifestation of belief really important or is it more what's going on inside? are there different ways to believe the same thing? and, can we actually control what we believe? i guess i'm saying this because my quiet times have been pretty sporadic for the past couple of weeks, and sometimes i feel so strange praying before meals because i feel like a hypocrite. i think a large part of this is stemming from a mistake i made / something i've been wrestling with for a while, and the guilt really is a barrier. at first the guilt was a barrier to EVERYTHING - all day i'd just feel ugh and hate myself. then i realized it wasn't from God it was condemnation, and it lightened up a bit but it's still interfering with my relationship with God, MAYBE. this is just my diagnosis so far but we all know that i'm pretty confused (going back to the beginning of the paragraph: then again i know it's possible to do the QTs and pray before meals and all that stuff and be a hollow shell inside, and i really DON'T want to be that way!) my life in laos is going pretty well EXCEPT for this (my spiritual life), but this is like the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE so i don't really know. i guess i'm feeling numb at this point because it's my defense mechanism. i wish God would just reveal himself to me again! but part of me is like, are you really waiting on him? i guess not… but part of me is like, God doesn't work like that: input -> output. but if i really believed, i would wait on him actively, right? but then again it goes back to the things that are like - are there different ways to believe the same thing? i think so… based on all the Christians i know who lived out their faiths in so many different, equally inspiring ways (some obvious, some not so obvious) not saying my passiveness is "right" or "good" (and i'm slowly beginning to hate those words… hate is a strong word though so maybe not :P) but that it might not be incongruous with actually believing one thing that i think helps me know that i do believe what i think i believe is that i have hope, and i'm not despairing. i think other religions (though i'm totally not educated about them at all so i really have no right to say this) might offer a "transcend suffering, it's all in your head" solution, christianity is the only one that offers REDEMPTION (again, i hesitate to say "only" bc i don't know all of them, but yeah). that one day the world will be as it should. hmm i could unpack this a bit more but i don't really feel like it so if you read my lao update (which i will probably send out within the next day or two) for those of you who are on the list you'll get a very different side of the coin from this post… and yet all of it is true! i'm so glad i came, i'm learning a lot and being stretched in ways i could never have imagined, it's such a blast and all, but i'm wrestling, boys and girls. please pray for me, and i would love your inputs!! ps. rereading my first paragraph… can you subconsciously but not consciously believe something? for example, if someone who gives generously and serves willingly and loves all is living as if they believe in God and know jesus but they don't consciously do… then what? pps. i apologize if this email is super abstract and hard to really understand… hahaha but this is how i'm feeling now! love and miss you all!!