checked under the sink a bit ago and saw i’ve got an angel infestation. annoying bastards. it explains all the weird dreams and salt pillars and how my neighbor’s dog kept barking in latin the other day, i guess. i’ll have to pick up some more glue traps tomorrow. i’m just hoping my cat doesn’t manage to catch any of them before the traps do; last time, i found a bunch of halos and chewed-up wings, and it was a whole thing with the vet. eight hundred bucks and a vision of the heat death of the universe later, and they tell me not to worry, it happens all the time, and to bring her back if she still has more than two eyes after a week. what a fucking scam.
seeking advice: had intimate relations with a being of noneuclidean geometry and now all my dick pics inexplicably reveal the exact time and cause of the viewer’s eventual death and it’s really scaring all my grindr matches :(
in my biology class earlier today the five mass extinction events were brought up, and i had to refrain from clapping and cheering. this is a list curated on passion.
DISCLAIMER: extinction events are not bad. extinction is, in most cases, a completely normal, morally-neutral evolutionary thing that just happens. human-accelerated extinction is not great, but background extinction is a process that is always happening. every mass extinction event in the past was necessary for life to get where it is today. please don’t get weird on my post. i just think it’s neat.
6. The Holocene Extinction
- Right Now
- TBA*
- Habitat loss, overhunting, climate change
boring. L. only extinction event caused by a single species (us). really just unoriginal. we’re not even directly killing most of them we’re just speeding up the background extinction rates. no pizzazz, no style. 0/10.
5. The Late Devonian Extinction
- 372 mya
- 70% of all species
- Unknown
this one is low for two reasons: one, we’re still trying to figure out what actually happened to explain the rapid drop in biodiversity, and while some people might find ambiguity attractive, i prefer honesty and emotional vulnerability. two, it was pretty centered on the oceans alone, and i want a little bit of flexibility, y’know? expand your range. i know you have potential. 3/10.
4. The Triassic-Jurassic Extinction
- 201mya
- 76% of all species
- Volcanic eruptions leading to global warming and acidic oceans
there’s been some debate about the cause of this one, but general scientific consensus agrees that those dastardly volcanoes are to blame. i’ll admit, i hold some fondness for this one just because it was kinda what allowed dinosaurs, crocodylomorphs, and pterosaurs to become top dog in the ages following. the whole ‘volcanic wasteland’ thing is also just a classic, though it loses some points for just doing the same thing but worse as its immediate predecessor (see no.2). some originality would be nice. 5/10.
3. The Ordovician-Silurian Extinction
- 445 mya
- 85% of all species
- Rapid successive climate changes
hey, this one’s for all the gilf lovers out there. this one is old, and while it would actually be more accurate to say 85% of all marine species, that’s just because most complex life hadn’t even gotten to land just yet. it’s also a little on the mysterious side. we know glaciation (leading to an ice age) caused the initial event, but what caused the glaciation? it’s trying to open up, but there are some skeletons in the closet. could be hot! 7/10.
2. The Permian-Triassic Extinction (aka the Great Dying)
- 252mya
- 90% of all species
- Volcanic eruptions leading to global warming, toxic atmosphere, and sulfurous oceans
for this one, i gotta give points on the name alone, y’know? i WISH that was my highschool nickname. also massive points just for being the biggest. i mean, 57% of all biological families. 81% of all marine species and 70% of terrestrial vertebrates… kind of an overachiever! hot! the OG world-ending volcanic wasteland. 9/10.
1. The Cretaceous-Paleocene Extinction (aka the K-pg extinction)
- 66mya
- 75% of all species
- Asteroid impact followed by nuclear winter and volcanic eruptions
you know her. you love her. that’s right, coming in at number one is THE ASTEROID THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS**, BABEYYYYYY!!!! this one might not have been the biggest or most devastating, but you CANNOT deny the style of it. a rock bigger than mount everest, faster than a bullet, streaking in from the heavens? i can only hope whatever eventually takes us humans out has half as much flair. 10/10.
*we’re still in the predictions phase of actual numbers for this one, but current estimates put us at driving extinction rates up to 1000x faster than the norm since 1900, and 1 million out of 8 million species is currently threatened with extinction. bad!
**non-avian dinosaurs, specifically. birds are dinosaurs and doing just fine, mostly, except for the asterisk just above this one. um.
my bacteria (🦠) means i like it. my (🦠) bacteria means. i like it. i like it. my bacteria. (🦠) i like it. i like it. i like it. i like it. my bacteria means i like it. (🦠) ba (🦠)cteria means (🦠) i like (🦠) my bacteria means. it. i like it. my bacteria. #mybacteria. my bacteria means i like it. #like (🦠)
