Benny snarled and spun in a circle, holding his macuahuitl in front of him defensively as the white light slowly faded around him. He’d been in the middle of chopping down a group of leviathan when the damn light surrounded him, turning the monsters to soot and whipping his hat from his head.
The wind had finally settled, and the light was fading, but anything that could ash something as powerful as a leviathan wasn’t going to get off that easy.
“Benny..?”
Benny froze, his grip going slack on the bone handle of his weapon. He knew that voice. “D-Dean..?” He squinted against the remains of the light, holding his hand up to shield his eyes as his friend slowly materialized through the mist. “The hell did you do brother?”
Dean grinned, dragging him into a hug and clapping his back. “Christ it’s good to see ya man. Shit hit the fan and… Fuck I needed to talk to you… I found a spell book at the bunker and Sam, Cas and I managed to scrounge up everything we needed for a rescue mission.”
Benny slowly relaxed, hugging him back. “You got your brother to help you get me back? Did he know what he was doin’?”
Dean nodded, slowly pulling back and handing Benny his cap. “Yeah… We talked about it, you’re coming back to stay at the bunker with us... I’m not lettin’ you down this time, I swear.”
Benny hesitated, for a moment, stepping back. “Prove you’re really Dean… And how’d this spell of yours only grab me?”
Dean rolled his eyes, pulling a silver dagger from a sheath on his belt, slicing his arm and splashing himself with holy water. “I uh… Kept your hat when I realized you weren’t comin’ back. Spell called for something belonging to the target.”
Benny frowned, looking down at the cap in his hands, his fingers unconsciously closing over the fabric. “Why the hell’d you keep my hat?”
Dean shrugged, blushing slightly as he lead the way out of the woods. “Just get in the car will ya? You need a fucking shower.”
Benny laughed, climbing in and settling into his seat. “So I’m finally gonna get to see this bunker, huh? Sure Sam ain’t gonna kill me in my sleep?”
“He won’t, really I shoulda made ‘im listen to me before but… Guess I’m just better at keepin’ my mouth shut,” he laughed bitterly, steering them down the mountain trail. “I’m… Sorry, ya know. I never should have hung you out to dry like I did… Guess I didn’t realize how shitty I was till Sam came back without you…”
Benny shrugged, looking out the window, “doesn’t matter. I don’ belong here Dean, wish you’d’a left me alone down there… I ain’t meant to be a part of the livin’.”
“Hey, you do alright?” Dean grumbled, lightly punching his arm. “You’re family, we don’t give up on family.”
Benny laughed softly, shaking his head. “I know ya don’t… Ya mind if I catch some shut eye?”
Dean sighed, nodding. “Course, I’ll wake ya when I find a place for the night.”
Benny didn’t bother responding, letting the bone deep exhaustion finally take over.
When Dean woke him up halfway to the bunker nearly twelve hours later he was still dead on his feet, leaning heavily on Dean as he walked into their motel room and collapsing onto the bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt safe enough to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time.
By the time he woke up again, Dean was sprawled on the other bed, sound asleep. He sighed, sitting up and scrubbing his hands through his hair. It didn’t matter what Dean said, he’d always come second to Sam, and he didn’t want to go back to living how he had been but… He could also never abandon his friend when he so obviously needed him.
He sighed, dragging himself off the bed and into the shower, watching the water run black at his feet. It’d been years, but of course Dean would come get him when he needed something… and damned if he wasn’t going to do anything he could for the idiot.
He scrubbed himself clean, wrapping his wounds as best as he could by himself and throwing himself back onto the bed. He should leave now, spare himself the heartbreak when he finished helping Dean with whatever he needed, save himself from the months of trying to make it by himself again before he bit it but… He couldn’t. Could never do that to Dean.
He grumbled to himself at the familiar feeling of his fangs itching under his gums. Of course he’d need food, it’d be too easy if he could just go back to sleep. He scented the air, following his nose to the fridge and grinning when he found it stocked up with AB blood, so the human did pay attention sometimes.
He forced himself to take a breath, sipping the blood as he walked back to bed and curled up. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, at least he’d get to spend time with Dean again, and maybe he could win his brother over… As long as he wasn’t alone, it wasn’t too bad out in this world, and maybe he could do better this time. When the hunter inevitably left him alone, maybe he could get it right. Third time’s the charm… Maybe.
It’s months before anything of note really starts going down hill, much to Benny’s surprise. Sure, Sam started off still hating him, but that was to be expected. He’d even managed to grow on the kid a bit since he’d been there but… No, this was different. The brothers were taking more cases, leaving him behind. He’d be stuck in the bunker by himself for days, weeks, at a time…
Not that that’s the worst thing that could happen, they wanted to keep him safe, reduce the risk of a rogue hunter taking him down (not that they’d be able to), but still: being locked up by himself, no one to talk to, nothing to fight, nothing to keep his mind from turning on him...
Still, it wasn’t the boys’ fault, they were just trying to keep him safe… Right? But what if they were just tired of having him around? What if they needed a break, what if this was the calm before they kicked him back out into the world..? Could he make it this time?
No… No he couldn’t go through that again, it was too much, he couldn’t go back to living in fear, alone, miserable… At least in Purgatory no one lied, they all wanted to kill you just as much as the next person, here… Everything had ulterior motives, everyone was out to get you in one way or another, but you never knew how.
But what could he do, really? Could a vampire kill themselves? And what if Dean decided he needed him again once he was gone, he couldn’t risk him hurting himself…
“Benny, you here..?”
Benny snapped out of his thoughts, dragging himself off his cot and going to meet the boys in the war room. “Welcome back,” he forced himself to smile, looking passed the blood drenching their clothes.
“Hey Benny- dibs on the shower!” Sam hurried off down the hall, leaving Benny to flinch at the gust of air he created.
“You should’ve called- How about I make us all somethin’ to eat? We haven-”
“Not today, man,” Dean cut him off, patting his shoulder. “Hunt went sour, I need to sleep for a week…”
Benny looked down, letting his facade fall for a fraction of a second before catching himself. “Yeah, course chief, get yourself some rest, maybe tomorrow…”
“Yeah, maybe tomorrow,” Dean smiled, walking passed him and vanishing into his room.
Benny bit his lip, staring at the ground in front of him long past the time all other sounds in the bunker had died down, Sam and Dean both sound asleep in bed.
Finally he clenched his fists, nails biting into the cold skin of his palms, and went back to his room, alone… Always alone.
For once he didn’t pretend to be okay, he was tired of being okay, he was damn tired of everything, he wanted to feel warmth again, taste food, have someone- anyone- that would care about him enough to put him first… Just once in a while… Most of all he was fucking tired of pretending for the sake of the brothers when they wouldn’t give a damn even if they knew.
Instead he curled up, dragging a pillow to his chest and letting himself break down for the first time in over a hundred years.
He has no idea how much later, hours or minutes, it all felt the same lately, but then the bed is dipping under someone else’s weight, and he’s frantically wiping his tear-stained cheeks.
“What is it man..?” Dean’s sleep rough voice cuts into him deeper than any blade and he flinches away from the hand that’s laid on his shoulder. Dean shouldn’t see him like this, the kid had enough to worry about.
“Ain’t noth-”
“Don’t.”
Benny slowly rolls to face him, sitting up and staring at the bare bed under him - no point for blankets if you can never get warm. “I’m just tired‘s all… Go back to bed brotha.”
Dean shook his head, laying his hand back on his shoulder and making himself comfortable. “Not a chance in hell, man. You ain’t like Sam and me, you got nothin’ keepin’ you here, and I’m sure as fuck not losing you again. Talk.”
“God, I ain’t gonna off myself,” but hadn’t he been trying to think of how to do just that hours earlier? “Just ti-”
“Benny stop it. This ain’t really my thing but… I’m here man, you’re family, I’m not leaving you here like this.”
“I really am just tired,” Benny sighed, looking down. “Tired o’ all this… I’m not… Like you, you and Sam are happy with each other, but that ain’t me… I’m… Tired of always being cold, of not being able to taste… Feel… This ain’t the life I want...”
Dean sighed, pulling him into a tight hug and clapping his back. “Stop… I know you want the whole picket fence deal I… That ain’t this life, but we love you man, Sam, Cas and me… You’re family. Just as much as any of us. You can come to us… Hell these old men had some powerful shit stored here, maybe we can fix you… Just don’t… Don’t leave us… me…”
Benny took a breath, laying his hand over Dean’s. “‘M not goin’ anywhere chief, your dumbass would get yourself killed without me…”
Dean snorted, patting his shoulder, “been there, done that… You need to get some sleep big guy, I’ll see you in the-”
“Stay..?” He hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but the word made it’s way out of his mouth before he could stop it.
“You… Yeah- yeah sure,” Dean hesitated for a moment before lying back, folding his arms awkwardly across his chest. It’s not like he hadn’t slept next to Benny every damn night in purgatory, but something was different when it was in an actual bed.
“You don’t have to,” Benny laid back down, curling himself around his pillow and no, that just wouldn’t do.
Dean gently untangled him, pulling him against his chest and holding him tight, trying to convince himself it was the exact same thing he used to do when Sam had nightmares. “Like hell, you’ve saved my ass how many times? The least I can do is hold your dumbass for a while.”
Benny smiled weakly, clinging onto him and slowly willing himself to relax, focusing on Dean’s heartbeat under him. “Guess you’re right, you were pretty useless.”
“Yeah yeah, shut up will you?” Dean chuckled fondly, slowly relaxing into him and rubbing his back. “Get to sleep, I’ll stay here for the night.”
Benny bit his lip, forcing himself to draw back and shake his head. “Nah- you should get back to your room and get some real sleep, don’t need me keepin’ you up.”
“Hey, Benny?”
Benny took a breath, forcing himself to look up and meet his eyes, “yeah chi-” he grunted in surprise as Dean’s lips slammed into his in what could hardly be considered a kiss.
It took a moment for them both to relax, Benny’s hands drifting to cup Dean’s cheeks and Dean’s dropping to hold his hips.
“Where the hell did that come from?” Benny whispered once they parted, keeping his eyes shut - just in case Dean was gone when he opened them.
“Oh please, that’s been a long time coming… Wasn’t gonna say anything, it ain’t the life... But you seemed like you could use something to hold onto. And you sure as hell weren’t listening to me, stubborn bastard.”
Benny smiled softly, resting his head on his shoulder. “Guess you’re right… but... why innit? I’m a lot tougher than I look, I can hold my own…”
“I’ve… Been worried you’d quit on me if I brought you somewhere you could,” Dean admitted sheepishly, staring up at the ceiling. “I can’t lose you again man…”
Benny sighed, pressing closer. “Been thinking about it bu’... Couldn’t do that to ya.”
Dean smiled softly, kissing his head, “then maybe it can work… Guess I’ll have to start getting two rooms…” “Guess you will…”
