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I’m scared for Marine.
International tension is high; and if war breaks out, who will they send in first?
A young, 19 year old already trained Marine?
Heck, he’s not gonna be truly safe from that until he hits like 30, 35....
Have your wars, countries, but leave Acushla out of this
I feel like I’m getting boring. You’ve seen me every day since December 23rd, and the light in your eyes that danced every time you saw me is dim. You don’t seem so thrilled about me anymore.
In fact, you seem really down. You’ve got so much on your plate. You’re almost out of money, and you feel like you’re stealing from me when I invite you over for dinner. You can’t afford to get to your Marine Reserve once a month weekend because they’re making you report to Baltimore and you’re in Idaho and don’t have that kind of money (which they wouldn’t refund you). Who knows how the Marines will react when you pull a no show... I broke your phone, and the repair is going to be very expensive. You’ve been without a phone for days and it’s the first couple days of school. You’re taking French with me and are having a lot of trouble remembering how it goes. You seem so stressed in that class. You feel guilty because you accidentally “made me cry” the other day (I annoyed you slightly and I freaked out and burst into tears because I thought you’d want to leave <which is Ex’s fault, not yours>), and it’s affirming your belief that you are not good enough. You’re not acting yourself. Your eyes aren’t shining, your grin isn’t genuine. When you look at me I can just feel your eyes saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I hate this, I’m miserable and not good enough.”
What can I do?
I’m listening to him breathe. His breaths are so relaxed, so high, so soft. I feel so protective of him right now.
The Marines messed up all our plans, once again, and here he is having to scramble, once again. Tonight he had to pack late and couldn’t make anything fit and was getting frustrated and felt hopeless and he had to get up early and I definitely knew the feeling. He loves video, and I’m good at packing, so we video called and I told him what strategies to used and stayed with him til past midnight as he rolled up all his clothes.
He fit two check in bags of luggage into a single checked. I’m a packing 𝕲𝖔𝖉
We started talking about the plan for tomorrow, which he was really stressing. Then about his budget. He refuses to rely on his parents money, he feels like he’s stealing. Meanwhile, that’s all I do. So I’m pretty darn well off and he’s really struggling for money. I was trying to gently suggest that I am more than happy to eat my meals with him at my place, and he went off a little about how much it means to him that I spend money on him. Like, how I care enough to put that much stock into him.
He climbed into bed and sleepily told me he was tired and grumpy and stressed, and actually didn’t want cuddles tonight. Which is so unlike him.
I told him that if I could, I would have gotten up then and baked him his favorite cake.
And he burst into tears. He was thanking me for being so good, so caring. He was saying he was so lucky, so greatful. He meant it.
I feel so appreciated. It’s so unusual. It’s so foreign to me.
He’s so cute. I want to take care of him. I feel protective, I feel adoration, I feel proud. He takes care of me when I’m sick, treats me like royalty... he’s everything.
Hey love- do you trust me? Even if something seemed strange, or out there, would you trust me?
“Freewill is real”- he argues. I give pushback and seem ridiculous to him. Suddenly it clicks in his mind and he starts to cry, and I hush and reassure him that I’m wrong.
“Monopolies aren’t that bad”- he says. I don’t even know what to say.
He believes our religion without question, and I’m not even really in it anymore.
He doesn’t think deeply about anything. Sometimes, this is a comfort. And sometimes, it’s terrifying.
I scared you last night, apparently. I was hanging out with my brother until 9pm (8pm your time), and when I called you were panicking that I didn’t want to talk to you. I promised you that I did, I was just doing other things until just now, and so we made a little small talk but didn’t say much cause we were both sleepy. I slowly fade into sleep. I wake up around 11:30 and see that the call hung up, so I called back with lightning speed and told you I loved you and fell back asleep.
Woke up this morning, you apologized for last night. I thought you were just apologizing for being weird about me getting there late and promised you it was all good. We were gushy for a bit, and I check my texts- you texted me a bunch last night, apologizing and calling, but I didn’t hear you call cause I was asleep. You unsent a ton of messages, which is very, very unlike you.
From your POV, this is apparently what happened last night.
I took too long to call and you were really worried. I wasn’t talking much when I finally called, and then stopped replying altogether, while you were rambling about something you don’t want to tell me about. Something about how I’m not caring about this..?
Then, my brother comes in, and after not replying to you I answer him, and we start talking. You feel neglected and upset so you hang up. Then I didn’t call back or even seem to notice you were gone, and you say some aggressive things you immediately unsend because they felt manipulative to you (but I still don’t know what those things were). You panic even more, spam calling me and tearing up. You give up and try to sleep but it wasn’t working.
Suddenly I call you back, as if I finally decided to bother responding to you, and we fell asleep.
I legitimately remember none of this. I don’t remember a word he said. I don’t remember my brother coming in and us talking, though he confirmed it happened and even said he sat on my back. He said I was talking like I was drunk.
I remember none of this.
Is someone at fault here? Were you being unreasonable...?
I feel like I’m in an Ex situation where I have to apologize for nothing again and it’s making me uncomfortable...
“Your eyes just have this... intelligence in them.”
“What do you mean?”
“I look into your eyes and I can just.. SEE that you’re intelligent.”
So I looked at myself in the mirror, and somehow, I saw it too
I was calling him, was it last night? And..
He’s always talking about how people are always insulting him and he hates it there. I thought he was being a little soft, or felt uncomfortable around these people cause he’s a little introverted.
Nope.
He’s calling me from this study room that everybody had to attend. Only like, half the people are studying, so he feels like he can get away with it.
A sergeant comes over and asks what he’s doing, and Acushla replies respectfully. I miss what the sergeant says, but the room bursts into the most mocking, vicious laughter I have heard in... YEARS. My stomach just dropped, and he went silent a few minutes while I heard people leering at him. It had something to do with me, cause they were like “is your girlfriend going to help us study?” and other stupid things said in the most condescending... I don’t think I’ve heard anything like that ever, not even when other middle schoolers laughed at me as a kid.
How are adults acting like this? How is he handling this so well?
I want to grab him and yank him out of there. It’s so toxic and cruel.
Let me take him OUT. NOW.
