Kind of a long-ish (venty) post so i’ll add a cut
I guess it just sucks to feel like im always being pushed to the side. Like you know when you can just feel the value someone has for you shift? When you start to notice that they take longer to respond to you? The general disinterest in their tone? Their disinterest in general? That. I often wonder if it’s because im just so boring that im always bordering the edge of “good enough until theres something better”. And it doesn’t help that i have legitimately been abandoned before in my life by someone who should have been the last person to ever do that. I’ve also had friends actually just stop talking to me BECAUSE they did in fact find someone better. So anytime i feel like theres been that kind of shift it just feels soo bad and i dont know what to do about it— I guess im just a bit sensitive to it. Most of the time im by myself so dealing with it alone is hard. Like i know most of the time these feelings are irrational and that its all in my head, but it’s hard to convince myself even with knowing that. Ive dealt with loneliness for ages now, and it seems like the only thing that helps is when i find someone i really click with. So when that someone suddenly seems to fade away, it feels akin to despair. I care too much.
It’s not even that I’m asking for a lot either— all i want is to not feel like im wasting someone’s time when im talking to them. I dont want to feel like i have to try so hard just to be able to spend time with someone. I want to feel like im actually important and for once not have to ask for these things but for it to just happen. I want what every one else seems to have. But then I wonder if im being completely selfish by wanting these things, so I keep to myself. Because it’s one thing to have irrational thoughts, but It’s another to be irrational AND selfish.
It makes me wonder if I should just withdraw from everyone because maybe then i’d be happier, in an ironic way. But then, i dont know if I have the ability to fully withdraw because I care too much.
