Anon Advice Asks - May 4
outlet anon, syllabus anon, elton john anon (new), maths project anon (new), not straight anon (new)
outlet anon
Hey Cas, Outlet anon here. I have (perhaps unfortunately) not Ascended, but that's probably for the best. (Btw I don't drink coffee very often, it's usually only when I've already pulled an all-nighter or two and need another one, (Yay finals :/) but I'll keep what you said in mind and stick to non-dangerous levels next time)
Okie doke...
First off, I ended up not talking to Doll about it until Wednesday (sending this Thursday morning) in part bc I wanted your opinion first, but mostly because I forgot. When I did, it was basically just You're important, I care about you, You're allowed to ask me for help, You're allowed to be selfish and take things for yourself, Okay?. Her response was something like 'Okay, it's just going to take me a while' and then she sent me a pin on pinterest later that day that pretty much 'I love you', so I think Success.
Next up, Probably Bad Decision #1,143,764: Doing Doll's work. Everything ended up being fine, but this had the potential to fuck me over astronomically. So she had done I think three assignments the whole semester, meaning I needed to do around thirty or forty to get her grade up. It took me three days (Friday-Sunday) and three all-nighters and I had to push back my own work. I don't even remember anything that happened on Monday, and the only part of the weekend I'm 100% sure happened is Sunday night. I passed out for a couple hours Monday night then dragged myself out of bed around 3am because I had a presentation due Tuesday afternoon that I had neglected in favor of Doll's work. BUT I got all the stuff done that needed to be done + a couple assignments due at the end of the week.
I want to talk about the reason I did it. Yes, she's my friend and I love her, but in all honesty... I did it because I'm not worth anything if I'm not useful, and if I'm not useful then Doll wouldn't want me around. I saved her ass, so now she's in my debt and would feel bad if she got rid of me. I know that's not true and whatever, but I was (unintentionally) raised to equate love to usefulness; I only got attention when I was in trouble (I still have breakdowns when someone raises their voice at me) or being helpful, otherwise I was ignored. I don't believe anyone can love me just for me. I do things and put effort into them, even when I don't have to, to make up for the fact that it's me. To apologize for the fact that I'm the one that did it.
I love silently for the most part and don't voice it very often. You'd think that means I can be loved silently, too, but I really can't. It doesn't even cross my mind that someone might care about me if they don't say it, and even then I need constant reassurance. But I don't get reassurance. The people I love are also people who love silently. So it ends up being I don't think they care about me. And. Like. I'm fine with that, though. In a twisted, messed up way. I'm okay with not being wanted as long as I'm needed, because if I'm needed then someone has a reason to care about me. I still would've done Doll's work regardless of if she ever looked in my direction again.
But I'm a walking contradiction. I need to be needed and don't care about being wanted, but at the same time I'm so terrified of getting left behind that as soon as I sense I've outgrown my use, I pull away. When I was younger, I got my heart shattered because My Person (like, if soulmates are real, they were mine) pulled away and left me bleeding out on the side of the road (metaphorically). They were the last person I ever believed loved me without needing something from me.
When I love someone, I can't just love them a little bit. I'm like James Potter in that way, because I give my entire soul to everyone I care about, and then I become Too Much Too Fast because it's not that deep for anyone else. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to just care a little bit. My friends become my entire world, and each and every one of them takes a little piece of my heart when they inevitably leave. I don't know how much I have left to give.
Anyway. Sorry for how long that is. Other than getting no sleep, nothing much has happened in my life, I'm just really looking forward to the end of the semester.
Cheers <3
Hi <3
Honestly you seem to have a very good understanding of yourself. but the thing is, you DESERVE to be loved for who you are, not just for what you do. And I think that goes along with like...being able to set boundaries, and take care of yourself, and put yourself and your heath (and sleep) first. Do you have access to mental heath care? A therapist can be really helpful when learning how to set boundaries, you know?
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syllabus anon
Hey, syllabus anon here! Yeah, the trip went well and all, he was very nice to me and it was very cute. But now it's back to normal. I think I am the sort of person that cannot, like, keep texting for hours and stuff like that. Because almost all the time there's nothing to talk about. And for the past few days it's just me trying to drag a conversation as long as it'd last.
So yesterday I asked him what was wrong (like I'd always been doing), and he told me that he'd had this on his mind since right after our trip — that he felt as if I never gave him any consideration. As if he was just boyfriend by name. I was shocked. I had never meant to make him feel thaat way, and the fact that he'd just kept it to himself made me very upset. I tried to talk to him, to tell him what was going on with me. I think I have told you before, that this is both of ours' first relationship, and I'm particularly shy about such things, and since we meet in person for so less often, it takes time for me to open up and all. But I try my best. I told him that. I told him everything I wanted to tell him.
Then he just closed back up again. He said that he wished he'd never told me, like he wished he'd never started this conversation. That we had not started talking about this. I asked what use is that, because if we don't talk about things like this from the beginning, how are we supposed to move forward well? Keeping things like this to ourselves just hurts each other more. Whenever he goes all closed off and moody suddenly on me, I just get so upset. Because it makes me feel as if I did something wrong, and he wouldn't tell me. I told him that too.
And he told me to forget about it, and the conversation, and that we could just go back to normal. And he also immediately went back to normal. We didn't talk much after that, but that "just boyfriend by name" thing hurt me so bad. I have no idea how we're going to move forward from this. Because next year is busy academically for me, busier than the last one had been. It's very important for my future career and all, and I need to work hard. So if he already feels like he doesn't get any consideration from me, what will he do next year? I feel like a bad person sometimes, thinking about all this. I don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing. There are moments I wish this relationship had never started at all. I should have just remained single.
Hi!
"I asked what use is that, because if we don't talk about things like this from the beginning, how are we supposed to move forward well? Keeping things like this to ourselves just hurts each other more."
THIS. SO MUCH THIS. And the thing is, that means there's not much you CAN do. Because like....you can't force someone to talk. So you kind of have to decide what YOU need. Do you want to keep trying, or is this something that is hurting you too much? I think based on how much you've tried, and what he's said, it's clear this isn't on you.
If you want to do more, I think the only other thing you can do is out-andout say 'hey, if we don't fix this, I'm done' because he has to get his head out of his ass and communicate. But if you don't want to do that, if that's not your style, you're well within your rights to leave. Sometimes relationships are meant to teach us something, and it might be that you've learned what you needed from this one and it's time to go.
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elton john anon
I would like to tell you a story
In 2016 my family and I went to an Elton John concert. He was playing his newest album at the time, Wonderful Crazy Night. Which pretty much sums up how the night went. It was incredible.
At the end of the concert, my sister (who is 4 years older than me) bought a t-shirt. I loved that t-shirt and I was so jealous I didn’t get one, but life went on.
Last year we were going through some boxes of our old stuff and I found the t-shirt. I don’t know why but when I saw it I got so emotional. I was crying over a t-shirt that wasn’t even mine. Since it had been 8 years since my sister bought that shirt it (unsurprisingly) didn’t fit her. It did, however, fit me. So I begged my sister if I could have it, and because she is the best person in the world, she gave it to me. To this day it is still my favourite thing to wear. Every time I see it it brings back memories of a night I don’t remember that clearly. Listening to that album and wearing the shirt so many years later just feels like I’m going back in time to a place I wasn’t so stressed all the time. It’s my favourite feeling
Elton John will forever be my favourite artist; his music reminds me of my childhood and singing in the car with my dad and my sister. My mum was never a huge fan, although I think she likes him more now.
I don’t know why I wanted to tell you this, I think I just wanted to share this story with somebody because all of it means a lot to me
aww this is such a nice story! I feel like most people have a singer or band like this...one that just stays with them. I'm so glad your sister gave you the shirt <3
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maths project anon
Caaaaaas help meeeeeee
So I took maths this year and had two absolutely horrific teachers (great as people, horrible at teahing)
We had a really big project that was worth around 30% of my overall grade and the teacher that was handling that side of the course barely helped me even though ive done nothing like this before. I can count on one hand the amount of times he's helped me.
Hed say he'd go around the whole class but never get to me (most of the time getting to helping the two girls next to me but almost never me.)
Every time I would put my hand up to ask for his help he'd always be busy with someone else
He also said he'd print me out a template I could use (and spoiler alert: he never did)
This ended up with me only getting my introduction done and I didn't even bother sending it away to the people that mark it.
Now my other teacher handled the finance side of things and just could not explain basically anything in a way that made sense to me even after multiple attempts
He was supposed to teach us how to use excel (and he did try) but nothing he said ever made sense
Anyway this has all ended up in me being cornered by the head of the math department at my school after finishing another exam and being told I'm not gonna pass and they can remove my name from the exam if I want and if I dont respond by Wednesday (the 7th) they'll assume I don't want to do the exam
But the thing is I don't know how to tell my parents
I wasn't going to go to the exam anyway but I just can't decide if I should tell them, not tell them and attempt the exam or say I'm going and just kind of hang about the school until it would be done
But I've already been kicked out of classes like this for the last two years
I can't disappoint them again
I already know how my mum will take it, she'll be really mad at the teachers and not me
But I'm scared my stepdad will blame me and say its my fault
Because I think it might be my fault or it might be the teachers fault or it might be a mix of both I can't really tell
maybe I could've studied more and atleast I could've known the theory? I could've tried harder to get help for my project?
My mum was literally saying today that one thing about me that really annoys her is the fact that I'm a "defeatist" and I "give up so easily" and I don't know how to tell her that I practically gave up again
The only upside to this is I already have a basic qualification in maths and a place in college
But I heavily fear my stepdad will think I've wasted an entire year instead of getting a job (which he has been practically harassing me to do since I turned 18, but that's a rant for another day)
Sorry this is so long and sorry this is all being dumped on you but I had no idea who else to turn to
Thanks Cas
Hi!
Okay so I'm a bit confused on the requirements for the exam, the course, the project, etc, BUT
Looking at this from a teacher POV, I'd say that both you and the teacher hold blame. The teacher could have done a lot better about giving you the help you need, and that's not your fault at all. It sounds like they're not a very good teacher. But also, I wonder if you might have had opportunities to talk to the teacher after class, or during office hours/extra help hours?
I think before you tell your parents or decide on the exam, you should talk to the head math teacher about getting more time on the project. Explain that there wasn't a lot of time to get help in class, and hope for the best. If they say yes, then you need to ask for help. Contact the teachers who can help you, schedule time to meet and go over the things you don't understand. I know it's daunting, but it's necessary sometimes. If they say no, ask what they suggest for you to get as much credit as possible for the class, and do that. That way you have something to show your parents, you know? But yeah, don't tell your parents until you have a set plan.
Whatever you're doing, try to break it into small, less-scary parts. It's easy to give up when you have a big scary thing to do, but little things can sometimes make you feel better.
Wishing you luck!
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not straight anon
Hey Cas. I think I might be not straight.
I’m a little scared. Some of my family is really homophobic (thankfully not so much my parents or siblings that I live with) so the idea that I might like girls is like. Really scary. Like, if one day I got a girlfriend I could not bring her to my grandparents’ house and I’d probably have to cut ties with my grandmother. I don’t know who to talk about it with, really. I have one friend, but she’s straight and it’s still scary and new. I know my mom would be loving, but I don’t know how seriously she would take it, y’know? I kind of don’t want to bring it up until I’m more certain. I’m also ace, and its really hard for me to distinguish between romantic and aesthetic attraction for people, which is Not Helping. And I’m Catholic, which adds a whole other layer of guilt and anxiety to the whole thing, despite finding a bunch of other queer people who are secure in their faith. I think I’ve been lowkey traumatized by my grandmother and her views, and find it hard to believe that most people don’t think like her. But girls are just,,, so pretty sometimes? Help?
Sorry for the rant, this has been brewing in my head for like a month and I wanted to just get it out. You’re the first person I’ve told, so thank you so much for being a safe space for so many people.
Love ya and hope you have a great day :)
Hi <3
I'm so honored you chose to tell me. I completely understand why you're scared. Coming out, or considering coming out, is scary for everyone, but especially someone like you who might not be supported by everyone.
I think what you're doing is exactly right--looking for people to be in your support system. You said you found queer people who are secure in their faith. Can you continue to seek out queer people in your life that could be safe for you? Does your school have a GSA, maybe, or something similar? Building a support system is always important, but I think it'll make you feel safer, and help you decide what to do.
Sending love!