In times long gone, when I lurked on Tumblr under a different name, and with a different URL, and didn't really get what any of this bullshit actually is (I still don't really get this website- what is it for?), I used to use it exclusively as a blog type thing. For quite a while, I bobbed about, occasionally reblogging a gifset of Doctor Who-related-stuff, but more often writing about something or other, and labouring under the entirely vain delusion that there was anyone out in the world who would find a tall, skinny teenager (who looked like he would be more comfortable pursuing the One Ring on its long and Hobbit-carried journey to Mount Doom) interesting enough to bother about his post-pubescent (I am assured by my doctor that "post" is, and has been since 2013, the correct prefix to use) angst enough to read his pretentious literary musings.
I think my first batch of Tumblr-oriented scintillating prose was delivered in the form of a devastating and brutal essay (see: rant) about the business of Psychics, and the business of Psychics. I heroically lamented the plight of the widowed crone, or the bereaved mother, or the robbed spouse, and condemned those heartless enough to pretend to hold the answer to their problems. I imagine I imagined myself as a problem-solver, much like Russell Brand has assured us (repeatedly) that he is. "No more shall the defenceless go exploited by the opportune and unaided by the sensible!" I must have thought. "At last, my chance to make a difference!"
I must have seen myself as a Hitchensian figure, but in actual fact come across as more of a Dick-ensian one (that is not, in case you are wondering, an attempt to liken myself to Charles).
And so my blogging career went, until it faltered, and then it sputtered, and then, without even a puff of smoke to dignify it, petered out and turned to nothing. The burning (and, thus far inexplicable) desire to share my... opinions? Feelings? 'Wisdom'?... with the world did not, however, vanish, and, though I more immediately busied myself with more important yet, seemingly, increasingly trivial things, I sought a means to excrete the thoughts and considerations of Matthew Weldon upon the world.
That is why, on the 13th of August 2014, shortly after disembarking a plane from London, I bought my first proper camera, and decided to begin video blogging (or, as those who hold a deep-seated resentment for the English language while simultaneously overestimating the value of their own time call it, vlogging). Occasionally taking to YouTube to spout off about this or that while being poorly framed and poorly lit helped me to stave off the desire to actually make anything satisfying (or, more properly, "good"). That is not what this is- this is not an attempt to make something I am happy with. This is an attempt to say things that I have wanted to say in front of a camera for several days now, but circumstances have not allowed.
I decided on the 31st December 2014 to write up a list of resolutions for the New Year. Not the clichéd "Go to the gym more often" or "reconnect with my long-lost sibling" resolution; mine are designed to leave me feeling a bit better about life, the Universe and most things by this time next year.
2014 was not a happy year for me. There were many times in 2014 in which I found myself happy, though I did not exist in a state of "general contentment", but rather in one of unhappiness and unsatisfied-ness. My promises to future Matthew for the year ahead have been specifically designed to stave off the persistence of that feeling as far as possible. If I may be permitted to consume a touch more of my own time (because I am not fooling myself that you are still reading this), I shall run through these and explain my reasoning behind them.
Stop being such an insufferable twat. If you've read as far as this, I fear that this one might be rather self-explanatory.
Find something to enjoy. I feel that this is the one that demands most explanation. I enjoy a lot of different things, but my trouble is that I rarely allow myself the time to do them. In 2014, I repeatedly became so hung (hanged?) up on my own anxiety and panicked nature that, if I wasn't at my desk furiously re-writing notes or looking for something in the library, I was wasting time. (I don't even like University.)
Make stuff that you're happy with. The 'vlogs' that I have made thus far are bad, and I'm fine with that. There's a process of learning with all of these things. The reason I'm making them, however, is not solely motivated by the desire to learn. It's the desire to just do something that makes me do it. I love recording videos like the famous "Car video" (in which m'colleague and I build and subsequently drive a "car" around) or ones like we recorded this summer (and are still in the process of editing- we are rubbish). To make exclusively these videos, though, would take an enormous amount of time, that I simply don't always have. I do want to do something, though, and thus vlogs result. This year, I hope to make a short film that I can say I am happy with. If anybody would like to offer me lots and lots of help, I would be grateful.
Get back to London. Fairly easy, really. The five-day period I spent there last year was perhaps the only extended period of time when I felt completely comfortable and happy. I would like that again.
Go somewhere new. I do not mean to imply that the ability to confer that happiness is one exclusive to the capital, and so I'd like to go somewhere where I've never, ever been.
Get better at stuff. I'm generally just a bit rubbish at most stuff. Learning!
A brief moment for an aside: I do have some unofficial resolutions: these are ones that, though not promised to myself at the start of the year, I would like to act upon before the year is up. I already have one: I would like to act in something (meaning something that I am not making/ writing/ etcetera). I've always enjoyed it, and would like to do it and it alone for at least one project this year.
My final official New Year's Resolution:
Learn the full dance routing to "Judas" by Lady Gaga. Because, sorry, who wouldn't want to be able to do this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k2w9BQehZY
Thanks for taking the time to read, whoever you are. I hope I'll write more in the future, and next time it won't be because I can't say it. There's a certain confidence I've always found in writing that hasn't ever crossed over onto a camera. Maybe I will do bold and ground-breaking things here on Tumblr. Or maybe I'll open a wordpress. At least there, my occasional rants won't be broken up by the odd reblogging of Frozen gifs.