Posting this here first! Matz animatic to “Peter” by Taylor Swift. Truly their song. Yes I’m a sucker for matz/seongjoong angst. I’m just a girl, what can I say?
+ every frame is a different-ish artstyle because I was experimenting. Hope it’s okay!
Every night, a cold heart
A rough fight, tiring day
Embrace me in your warm arms
or
Kim Hongjoong is touch-averse and a colleague at a company dinner steps over his boundaries.
Fandom: Ateez
Pairing: Hongjoong/Seonghwa
Member: Hongjoong, Seonghwa
Word count: 1656 words
Genre/Tropes: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: nc-17
Triggers/Warnings: touch-averse Hongjoong, ace Hongjoong, feeling wrong in one's skin, someone touches Hongjoong without asking (innocent touches, nothing sexual), mention of wanting to rip off own skin, physical discomfort, established songjoong, Seonghwa is an angel who comforts Hongjoong
You can read it on: AO3
It was one of those days.
One of those days in which Hongjoong spent an entire day just staring at the bright monitor in his studio, no new ideas.
One of those days in which Hongjoong had a constant headache and no medicine, no matter how strong, was enough to alleviate it.
He could feel something under his skin, almost a buzzing or something electric leaving him restless. when he passed by people in the company’s hallways, he dodged them, not wanting to touch anyone and worsen the feeling. Because when he was like this, skinship or any touching just made things even worse. He already usually avoided skinship, especially in public, so whenever he had a bad day, physical touch tended to aggravate the situation.
And then there was dinner, with new people from the production side of the company who had no idea about his unease around virtual strangers. They had never been out with these people before, and he was sure he would never want to do this again. There was one person who sat by his side - before any of his members could - and would not let him go. He knew this colleague did not have bad intentions, it was just a friendly company dinner, but the guy had too many drinks and would not physically let go of Hongjoong. A side hug, poking Hongjoong on the side when speaking to him, massaging - more like digging his fingers - Hongjoong’s shoulders and back, and at some point in the evening there were even kisses on his cheek.
It took Hongjoong a long time to come to terms with his needs and voicing them to the closest people around him and they knew how to respect his boundaries, so when the man started with the touches, he froze. He had no reaction whatsoever, could not even speak, let alone shy away, his body stiff, praying for dinner to be over soon. And he was alone there, with the members engaged in their own schedules. He could barely remember the guy’s name, his insistence was too overbearing, even trying to get Hongjoong to go to a party after dinner.
And then he finally got home. The apartment was empty, for it was relatively early, and he had never been this happy to have the place to himself. There it was, the buzzing under his skin, a sob lodged into his throat that only came out under the hot spray of water.
Hongjoong lost track of time.
Once he discarded his clothes in the bin and turned the shower on, setting the temperature as high as possible, he could finally let go. Under the constant stream of water falling down on his shoulders, unfreezing him and washing away the numbness, he collapsed. At first he did not even notice the tears, but his sobs only got louder, shaking his entire body. It was an overwhelming feeling, the sensation that there was something crawling under his skin in the places the guy had touched him.
The scalding water was not enough to wash everything away, but he couldn’t properly reach around his back with the loofah to scrub his skin; he wished he could rip it all off, skin and muscles where he could still feel the fingers digging in, and replace with something new, something pristine, something untouched. There was desperation in his crying, scrubbing, yet he could feel nothing, only the itching in the spots he couldn’t reach, his sobs getting louder. He felt wrong.
And then came the knock on the door, which he did not hear at first. Then the person knocked louder, calling out his name. And this time he almost whimpered in relief, but he couldn’t speak yet; he could barely cry out Seonghwa’s name in response, but he knew he was understood when the door opened slowly and just slightly, Seonghwa’s voice soft now he knew he was being heard, letting Hongjoong know he was coming into the bathroom, giving him time to close the shower curtain if he wanted.
“I got a message from Eden-hyung, telling me to check on you, something about a guy being touchy at dinner… oh, honey,” Hongjoong sobbed harder at that, knowing other people noticed his discomfort, feeling angry at himself for not being subtle enough. “What do you need from me?” From all their years together, this was the first time in a long while that Seonghwa was seeing Hongjoong like this. It was usually never this bad, and his heart clenched in worry.
“Can you… can you scrub my back?” Hongjoong’s voice was so low Seonghwa almost missed it. “Just… don’t touch my skin? Can you do that?”
“Of course I can, love. Take your time, I’m here when you’re ready.”
Hongjoong took a deep breath and turned his back to the curtain, holding the loofah above his shoulder and told Seonghwa he was ready. He heard the curtain opening, and over his soft cries he could not mistake the moment Seonghwa saw - and understood - how bad it was, for the older softly gasped at the sight.
“Love…” Seonghwa started and stopped, silently and carefully getting the loofah and starting to scrub at Hongjoong’s back.
“Harder, please.”
“Joong… it’s…”
“I know what it must look like, but I need you to scrub harder. Please, it hurts” he sobbed, hugging himself, and Seonghwa obeyed. He felt the harshness from the loofah all over his back, but never once Seonghwa’s fingers, and relief started seeping in slowly. He was sure his skin must be an angry red at this point, both from the hot water and from the scrubbing, but there was something still crawling in there, and Seonghwa didn’t stop until he said he could, until the feeling started to go away and down the drain.
When Hongjoong stepped under the water to wash the soap away, finishing his shower, Seonghwa told him he was going to the kitchen, wanting to make him something warm to drink, because he knew Hongjoong would need something more for comfort that night. Hongjoong used the towel to give himself a last scrub down, looking at his back in the mirror. He could almost see small purple bruises starting to show up where he could still feel the phantom of fingers jabbing into his back - or was it just the shadows? -, his entire body red from the heat and scrubbing. He put his clothes on, and found Seonghwa on the sofa.
“I told the others to give us some privacy tonight, they got Eden’s message as well, so they understand.”
Hongjoong just nodded and sat down, putting a little distance between them and getting a warm cup that was on the small coffee table. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“What? No, Hongjoong…” he could see Seonghwa wanted to reach out and comfort him physically but restrained from it, shaking his head vehemently. “You are allowed to have boundaries.”
Hongjoong could not meet Seonghwa’s eyes. “But I didn’t tell him no. He didn’t know. It’s my own fault that I’m feeling like this.”
“Joong… it’s not. Some people are touchy, sure, but it’s not your fault for feeling uncomfortable with the situation. Touching people - colleagues - at a work dinner is uncalled for, especially when you don’t know said people enough to know if they’re okay with it.” Seonghwa tried to be emphatic, needing Hongjoong to believe him.
“But most people are fine with it. There’s just something wrong with me,” Hongjoong replied, looking down at the liquid in the cup.
“Kim Hongjoong. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Look at me, love, please,” Seonghwa begged, his heart breaking, choking back tears at Hongjoong’s forlorn expression. “You are more than allowed to feel the way you feel, there is absolutely, and I repeat, absolutely nothing wrong with it.”
“But I should have told him to stop. I can still feel his fingers on me. I just… froze. I couldn’t. I should have…”
Seonghwa interrupted him. “And we can work on that if you want, on speaking up I mean, but don’t blame yourself, please.”
Hongjoong sighed, finally letting out what had been on his mind all night long. “I just wish things were easier sometimes. Feeling that kind of attraction. Being fine with any touching at any time. I know it must not be easy for you to be with me.”
“Hey, stop,” Seonghwa stated, “being with you and loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and we all have our preferences and limits. You are not wrong for being who you are. Now tell your brilliant brain to shut up and stop worrying about things that are not even remotely close to being true.” Hongjoong chuckled, and Seonghwa felt the small victory. “I’m serious, Joong. I love you for who you are, just as I know you love me for who I am.”
“I do love you. And thank you. Can you sleep over tonight? Just maybe…” Hongjoong trailed off, a little unsure, even with all of Seonghwa’s words to him.
“Of course. Maybe what? Tell me what you need,” Seonghwa encouraged him.
Hongjoong’s voice was low, barely above a whisper. “I need you close, but not… touching yet. Is it ok if we use different blankets?”
Seonghwa smiled, Hongjoong’s ask as a confirmation that he knew his boyfriend well. “I had a feeling you were going to ask for that, so I already got the extra blanket and it’s on your bed.”
“Thank you,” there were tears in Hongjoong’s eyes again, but this time they were of relief, of realizing how much he was loved and understood.
The feeling of wrongness was slowly going away - even if his back was still itching in discomfort by the time they went to bed -, the love in Seonghwa’s eyes leaving no room for him to doubt anymore.
Is it too bad if I start writing Member x Member stop I wanna write MxM Matz so BAD... But I just know I'd probably get some hate for doing MxM also idk how to feel about it to be fully honest. Sometimes you just wanna write something non x reader, you know? But if the OC is a complete copy-paste of another member I might aswell just write MxM??? Matz dynamic is so perfect for some fluff and angst... Don't get me started on other duos, this group has potential for many insane fics LMAO
