Right now it is 2 in the morning and I'm feeling so full of love and life and forgiveness and optimism and I'm feeling so much of it, love and art and hope, this warm, bright vastness that I'm almost scared it will die out when I get back on my meds, turn into something numb and cold, make me feel like a shell of who I was the way it happened last time. I used to be scared that the medication would kill whatever excitement I felt for life, whatever intensity I had in me, and whatever creativity and talent I loved and for the most part I was wrong. It wasn't until I tried the last combo of meds that everything in my head turned to fog, grey and clumsy and numb and useless, but I still have hope it won't be like that this time. I can see clearly now, for the most part. My depressive episodes have been getting worse, my mixed ones are as terrifying as ever, and I am objectively scared that something bad might happen if I don't get my shit together before the next one happens. I am scared of dullness and numbness, but maybe it doesn't have to be that way. I want to live.