May 7, 2015
All I can say is that I am sorry... you’re right that I don’t feel attracted to you. Was it obvious? Overall I am feeling bad, horrible, shitty. I hate being the one to be less than awesome. I hate that I don’t feel attracted to you, because believe me, I really want to be attracted to you again. I don’t even remember when this whole thing started...or ended.
Right now I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to be judged, because what I have done or will do, really should not happen to anyone. Love really does hurt or the lack thereof.
To be completely honest, I want to talk to Stefan, but I know that will be a mistake. I feel shitty, because when Nick was trying to give me an O, all I could think about was Stefan... and I guess that made me feel worse... along with the jason walker music.
Writing this all out, I feel even more horrible. I feel really confused. I wish there was a simple answer. I wish love was simple. Maybe I am just not experienced enough to know what love really is. Maybe I have it and I am letting it go like a fool. I am pretty foolish...
Nick could be the one... maybe. I do feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. It would be a chillax and calm relationship.
What I feel is missing from us is the “fun” factor. I feel like he is not “up” for anything. I feel bored. He doesn’t push me to do anything. He just wants to do the same thing all the time and I hate it. Hate is actually quite a harsh word... maybe I would use something a bit less than hate. I just wish he was excited to do stuff with me. I just feel that everything is neutral or sucky to him.
In a relationship, I feel like you have to be somewhat happy or excited and I am tired of trying. I’m tired of trying to make him do stuff and him ending up being meh about it. It’s absolutely horrible to me. I wish he was happy or excited or at least something a bit more than neutral.
I really do wish he was a happier person.
I really want him to respect me and my views and take the initiative of getting to know more about me. What really killed me today was when he said that he doesn’t ask me questions because he “knows so much about me already.” Maybe I am being narrow-minded, but I feel like you never really know someone.
All in all, I want Nick to be happy and I feel like he won’t be happy with me anymore. I’m too much of a kid. I’m too “up” for stuff and he’s not. I’m too catholic and he’s not. I learned so much from him... and maybe it’s time to let go.
