Okay this is not a normal period for me. It came 5 days early (not abnormal, sometimes I’m a full week early) , the pain levels themself are normal, but not the way the pain is.
I’m still getting knife stab pains, usually those end totally once my period starts. I also have a weird pain in my pelvic area that I can’t even figure out how to describe. The knife pain is jolting and stops me in my tracks. Also having a lot of sharp shooting pain in my legs. it’s normal for my legs and feet to ache and swell, but never had this shooting pain. It’s not my sciatica pain I don’t think, that usually is like a, shooting pain that runs from my back to my butt. This is very specific localized to the spot kind of pain.
What is this 😭
Definitely finding a doctor once I have all my insurance info.
This is gonna sound like a sad post, but is more of a silver lining post.
The good: my new health insurance is pretty badass so far and I should be able to afford laparoscopic surgery this year 🥳🥳🥳
just waiting on my insurance card to come in the mail and I’ll be able to find a doctor to start these shenanigans of trying to convince a doctor that there is something wrong.
TMI under the cut
I’m having really really bad ovary pain again. I know cysts are normal, but despite doctors telling me over and over again that I’m fine, I just don’t believe it. None of my other ovary owning friends have this much pain this often and I relate way too much to others with these types of diagnoses.
So, I’ve been having this normal-to-me ovary pain for the last two weeks. Feels like knives stabbing my ovary right? But I also rarely get this pain in my stomach below my belly button that feels like I’m ripping in half. I can tell when it’s coming and as long as I don’t bend, it’s manageable. But when I do bend, oh my goodness I swear my insides are being ripped apart.
Well, this week THAT pain has been happening every other day. Yesterday we’re in the car and I go to bend to pick up my dog to look out the window and when I tell you I SCREAMED in pain, I would not be exaggerating. Okay, this is still normal-to-me pain. Just don’t bend for a few more minutes.
Well, the pain doesn’t stop and goes from my belly button down through my V. Bearable, but only because I’m so used to just being in some level of pain in my reproductive system most days.
We get to our destination and I’m still having pain. I thought as long as I don’t bend again, I’ll be fine. Well, as I stand up, I swear my insides have now completely ripped apart (side note: while this retelling may be dramatic and not how I’d explain it to the doctor, it’s real) and i literally fall back into the car still yelling and now tears are streaming down my face. I can’t breathe, like I literally cannot catch my breath like someone squeezed it out of me. I finally get myself to breathe and as I inhale, the pain starts all over again from my stomach to my V. I’m trying to stop crying because every inhale is just continuing to rip my insides apart.
I am tangled up in my dogs leash and half in half out of the car and somehow get us both back in while screaming and crying. I was afraid to move for a while, but when I did, the pain was less.
Sometimes when I really have to pee, it feels like there’s glass in my bladder (but not a kidney stone pain). I go to pee because maybe that’s why I’m feeling pain? Anyway, the pain happens again and I can’t get myself to void because it both burns and is ripping me in half. Finally finish.
But since yesterday, anytime I have to use the bathroom, there is insane pressure on my ovary. I’m also having trouble walking because that puts pressure on it too. Not necessarily a painful pressure, but definitely pressure that’s bothersome enough.
So tired of my period messing up my day to day life.
This was a weird period. I did not get soul suckingly depressed. It was late by a few Days. I was really manic feeling instead of depressed feeling. Like, couldn’t get myself to stop talking, a little more risky with my driving, some spending issues looking back but not much. Mostly just really high energy levels and extremely impulsive. Not saying anything about it just that this was not a common pre-period thing for me.
Yesterday I was cramping soooo bad. We had to run some errands. I was white knuckle gripping the shopping cart. At times, M would ask me something and I don’t even know if I was hearing him. All my senses were just screaming from pain and then I almost passed out at check out. I thought I was okay because I didn’t have cramps walking in but they hit hard and fast.
They went away for a little bit last night but right before bed decided to come back. So I didn’t fall asleep until around 230am.
I have 3 intake meetings today for a total of 6 new cases. That would bring me to 7 and only 3 more to go.
I called out and I hope to God that these parents will reschedule.
But I can’t be at schools today or having important meetings while I’m dying inside from pain.
I feel so fucking frustrated. I cannot afford to go to a gyno right now with my insurance. I can’t afford to have another one tell me they can’t help me outside of hormonal birth control.
Has anyone else been treated for pmdd, pcos, endometriosis, other painful reproductive issues without the use of hormones or surgery? I can’t afford surgery to see if it’s endometriosis and all birth control so far has driven me almost off the deep end and I literally refuse to try again. It sneaks up on me until I’ve relapsed on all my bad habits and end up sobbing on the bathroom floor with dark thoughts in my head before I realize that it’s made me depressed. No thank you. I will not go that route again.
So anyway. I called out of work. I’m trying to reschedule intakes. Then I’m going back to sleep for a bit while I can.
fun not fun and potential tmi female content in the undercut
so I’m pretty sure I have ovarian cysts every other month. I think I have one right now. But at 20 I still haven’t been to get checked by a gynecologist because I’m terrified of them. But I’m so tired of literally always being in pain and I have a family history of not so fun conditions...so I’m going to try to call and get an appointment. I’m just so done. I can’t eat, can hardly move because it hurt so fucking bad and it’s not normal. so yeah.
So my obgyn diagnosed me with pcos without doing any tests. No ultra sounds. No physical exam. I've been seeing her for almost a year and she hasn't had me take my pants off at all. So she did three rounds of clomid and said well that didn't work you need to go to a specialist and washed her hands of me. My insurance doesn't cover anything fertility related. To make an appointment for an initial consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist at the ivf clinic an hour from me would cost us $400 out of pocket plus the cost of tests. One of my friends has Pcos. Her doctor did physical exams, ultra sounds and other things. They talked about diet and helped her make a plan for eating which had helped her drastically. My doctor never talked about that at all. My friend encouraged me to go to her doc for a second opinion. My network wouldn't let me go to her doc but I insisted my pcp give me a referral for a second opinion at a obgyn not on my hospital's staff. I'm about to go into that appointment. I'm praying that the doctor listens to me. That's something I didn't feel happened with the first obgyn. I hope he hears my concerns. I hope we try something before going straight to drugs. I'm not against taking medication but I would prefer a diet plan that will help take weight off or other non clomid (because of the relationship between clomid and cancer later on) things. I'm praying this is a productive appointment.
Rambling about medical and weight-related issues under the cut.
I've gotten a lot of my test results back from the blood work I had done last week--all of which was basically to figure out what my hormones are doing, why they're doing it, and how my doctors should go about helping me deal with it. And I'm ONLY JUST BARELY resisting the urge to WebMD myself because my OB-GYN hasn't gotten back to me yet to explain what the test results mean, and I'm concerned that she won't until after they've had a chance to do tests on Kyle.
But basically:
My estradiol test came back normal, so estrogen isn't a real problem for me.
But my FSH (that's Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels are pretty low, just barely in the "normal" range.
My prolactin levels are also normal, though on the low end.
That said, my testosterone levels are pretty elevated. I had both a total and a free testosterone test, and while the free came back on the high side of normal, the total came back really spiked. It's supposed to be somewhere between 2 ng/mL and 45 ng/mL, and it came back at 52, which (in conjunction with my weight, hairiness, and acne) suggests PCOS, despite that I didn't have any visible cysts or even evidence of cysts when they did the ultrasound.
My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) levels are high as well, which kind of makes me want to flail because I've been asking my doctor to test my TSH levels for years now and she's only just now gotten around to it. Mind, elevated TSH levels could be just a result of my excess weight gain in the last couple of years, but I still want to talk to my doctor about it.
tl;dr: a lot of my hormones are out of whack, and they're the hormones most affected by weight.
Weight isn't necessarily an indicator of health. I know that. My husband, I've mentioned before, is 6'4" and in the 360 range, which is technically considered morbidly obese. He's also got normal levels of everything and is, to all intents and purposes, healthy as a horse. I understand that weight isn't an indicator of health.
Being overweight, however, can cause health problems, and it's doing so for me. I'd like to have the mindset of "oh, I'm just doing things to be healthier! I'm just exercising and eating good foods for health's sake!" but it's a lot more difficult when I know--and have scientific backing!--that a lot of my current issues, especially with fertility, would go away if I could get below 200 again.
And I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I put on about 4 lbs when we went to Texas, but that's melted off in the last week, and I'm about back to where I was before. And don't get me wrong: I do want to eat healthier and exercise more for their own sake. I just have been unable to stop focusing on the numbers because, for me, they're a problem. I'm not my former 165 lb self anymore, dreaming about dropping 50 lbs and being able to fit into a size 6 again (sidenote: I've never been able to really manage anything lower than a size 6 because as soon as puberty hit, I had hips and boobs for miles, and I love them forever). I don't want to look better or ascribe to some ideal of beauty. I just want to be able to fuck my husband and have it result in a baby being born nine months later.
On another sidenote, Kat is moving in with us in November (which she's mentioned, but I should too), which everyone's pretty excited about. I can't wait to actually have my bffl not just within driving distance but within crossing-the-hall distance, and I can't wait to see how she'll thrive here, because I know she will.
And it's relevant because she's determined that she will pay us back for this kindness by adjusting our diet, which does need a lot of adjusting, I'll admit. Fewer processed foods, more veggies and fruits.
Either way. Sigh. And now the wait to hear back from the doctor to see what she has to say about these test results. In my heart of hearts, I hope that they end up not meaning much because we managed to get pregnant this month (or that I'm pregnant this month so I don't have to do the fucking balloon in cervix thing), but I still want to know.
