Mr. Innocent
John and I decide to take in our friends’ movie premiere and plan to go home right after. Instead we stick around for the party, and end up totally drunk on a parked karaoke bus next to some friendly strangers. Once he confirms that we are not a couple, Mr. Innocent is really delivering the beers for both of us. John, always a fantastic wingman, whispers that I should go for him. He is tall and handsome. So when he asks for my number and gives me a kiss, I allow it. He texts and flirts and asks what I’m doing, so I send him a snapshot of the pork chops I’m cooking. He responds, “What time should I come over?” and I reply, “5:30, I have plans at 8.” He checks to make sure I’m serious and shows up, on time, with a very fine bottle of wine, that he purchased on a recent trip to Los Olivos, my favorite tasting spot. We have a great dinner and a fun conversation, and he goes for it, so we make out on my couch for a while before I have to leave for my other engagement. We stay in touch and the next week he asks me to a holiday work party. Feels a little intense, but I’m game, and I figure I’ll probably know some people there anyway. At the party, once I am sufficiently martini’d up, he asks me about my family. I keep it pretty brief – my sisters are awesome, my dad is super religious, my mom is a bit of a heathen, and they all have new, happy families now. He judges me like I’m a little too well-adjusted to my “modern” situation, but asks me more about my father. Odd choice, new date, should have gone with the sisters… My pops writes books on the Education system in America. He is extraordinarily educated and they should be more important. Mr. Innocent inquires as to why he isn’t better known, and I reveal that they might err a tad too hard on the religious side, dad being a bible-study man and all. Suddenly he lights up. “I am in a bible study too! Just like your dad! In fact, that’s the group I took wine-tasting in Los Olivos!” GENTLEMEN PLEASE. DO NOT COMPARE THEE TO MY SANCTIMONIOUS FATHER. Fortunately for me, I am one of the few girls in Hollywood who is not struggling with Daddy issues. And I absolutely, under no circumstances, want to date my father. Or anyone who purports to be more religious than I am either. I cringe a little, but settle. This is a good man. He is nice, he is kind. He picks me up at my home. He brings wine. He smiles a lot. He seems genuine. He is from the midwest. Do not sabotage just because he loves Jesus. I LOVE JESUS! This should be wayyyyy easier. I let it slide and we continue dating. And we continue making out. JUST MAKING OUT. At a fancy dinner I try and ask him about continuing to date and he says he found Jesus in eighth grade and he’d like to take things slow. OHHHH, midwestern boy, THAT IS SO NICE. Bless your heart. When I was fourteen all I could pray about was how much I wanted my buds to turn into boobies. GENTLEMEN PLEASE. DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE IT SLOW. I am perfectly capable of setting my own pace and I look forward to telling you “I’m not ready.” BECAUSE THOSE ARE GIRL WORDS. But again, he is lovely. I talk it over with my friends. They are NOT on board. Stubborn, thirty-something-year-old me WILL NOT/CANNOT give up on a good, solid man. Brittany asks me why I don’t want to be more excited about someone (I do, can you offer someone exciting?) and Chad insists that I am far too overtly sexual to date a grown virgin (this is not confirmed). Mr. Innocent calls to ask me for lunch. He gives me the option of regular lunch or adventure. I always pick adventure. We drive up the coast for about an hour and get some wicked fried food over a stunning backdrop of straight ocean. When he drops me off, we kiss again and it is so tight. I feel like I need a crow bar to get this guy’s mouth to relax. Also, I am having this totally weird, inauthentic reaction where I pretend I don’t want to do anything other than kiss too. But I laugh it off and he gets my door and totally predictably calls the next day. We speak for an hour and it is okay. I like talking to him. He’s very upbeat and has a ridiculously positive outlook on life and I think that’s probably good for me. As I think we are about to hang up, thankfully free from another date, he hits me. “Can we talk about us? Oh gosh. Surely. PLEASE DON’T ASK ME TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU. I THINK YOU ARE AWESOME, BUT I AM IN NO WAY PLANNING TO COMMIT TO THIS CURRENT SITCH. “I think you are so pretty and amazing.” I agree dude. And you tell me all the time. Which I love, save for when you are using it to procrastinate. The rest of the conversation is such a blur because I am working so hard to be polite. He essentially tells me that he doesn’t think it’s respectful to continue to make out with a girl that he doesn’t fully intend to ask to be his wife. He hopes we can still be friends, who actively hang out. He also mentions something about how odd it is that I am Catholic, but I present as “somewhat Jewish.” I’m sure he meant, “Northeastern,” or “Witty,” so I will take it as a complement and move on.