Resisting temptation.
So, Fitz liked an old picture of mine tonight. It was a picture from the last time that we were on really good terms.. before things all went to shit the first time I fought with his family. It was an old picture from the last family beach trip I took with him and his family. That was the last time that things really made any sense in my life. It was the last time that we were really deep in fighting our attraction for one another..
Like I said.. the last time that things really all made since.
And for a second, my heart just melted. It was like all the shit we've been through the past few months went to the back of my mind. And just like an idiot, I felt myself missing him. I wanted to just say, "Why can't you just wise up? Why can't you see that I love you? Good, bad, and indifferent. Whether I like it or not, I love you." And I hate that. I hate feeling like this for him.. because I know he'll never wise up and see the he's got a good woman right in front of him. I could have been the right girl for him... if only he'd let me. But he doesn't love me, and he doesn't want me.. he just wants what he can get from me. :(
And I had an epiphany the other day. I think I've figured out why we're so drawn to each other, with such a strong attraction. My Fitz has said before that he wishes he could have been a soldier in the 1940's. He wishes he could fight for our freedom and fight for honor.. even if he died with those men. He feels like he'd die with honor. But that's just like me. I honestly have believed (since I was little) that I should have been born in that time. I'm in love with jazzy and classical songs from that time. I feel like I would have been inspirational. I would have been one of the first women to play professional softball while he was off at war. I would have been a pretty classy broad. :) We would have been high school loves. He would have been my night in shining armor. I would have gotten to be his wife. I would have gotten to be the mother of his children. I would have been his entire world and I honestly believe, if we were both born in that time, I would have made him so happy.
But we aren't from that time. This isn't the 40's. He's not my soldier. I'm not his. And I have to stop doing this to myself. I have to stop wanting him.. because he doesn't want me. I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself and I end up getting hurt because of it. IT's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to resist temptation. I just hope that I can continue to resist him... because this attraction overwhelms my heart and just makes me want him so bad. Even if he never feels it for me, or never cares... I love you, Fitz... and whether I like it or not, I always will.
Love Always,
Em <3