Dear baby,
Today is the day I remember your loss. It wasn’t really just today- today was the start of it. The miscarriage happened through a stretch of days. But I usually remember you on the 17th of February, when it began.
Luci came over. I don’t know if I ever really talked to you about Luci before, because we weren’t really talking while you were here. I was angry and hurt with her and she was part of the story leading up to your conception. But she was there for me when I told her what was going on and on all the anniversaries after, really. More so than Isabelle or your father, really.
I wanted to watch a sad movie and have a ritual then have a massage, but we watched a YouTube review of a movie Elle Fanning was in and it reminded me that sad movie watching was what your dad and I did last time we tried to remember you and I didn’t want anything to remind me of him, so we didn’t. And I couldn’t find a ritual that seemed appropriate. So we just did the massage.
You lived in me. My body was your home and when you left, my body became the only remainder of your life. I know that I am tasked with the sacred responsibility of carrying you forever through life. My body carries your imprint. My life is the reflection of you.
So self care seemed alright and I felt like my body was so offensive and I didn’t want to feel that. You are not offensive. So we did the massage and Luci’s hands were warm as they guided energy through me and she hovered over my abdomen and I remembered how one night, in pain, I cut myself there, where you should have been growing. Because I hated my body for not holding you better. I blamed it and I expressed my anger with a knife and your dad was horrified.
I am ashamed. Luci massaged my hands and I kept thinking they were little killers and shouldn’t be cared for. But I guess that’s what caused me to self harm in the first place.
We burned incense and the incense burner that I have has a sun on it and hearts. You are my sunshine. You are the light over the waters. I’m trying to heal from your absence and remember you in ways that don’t tear me open and make me want to tear myself open.
But it’s difficult when I’m cramping and bleeding from medical procedures that remind me of going to the obgyn with you. It’s difficult, but I got through the day. I didn’t let myself really get too sunk in the deep dark sorrow, I kept afloat, thanks to Luci and Brittany. The massage was a big part of that.
I hope you can forgive me for not sitting with the sorrow more and not grieving fully or ritualizing the day. I hope you can forgive me for taking care of the body that lost you, but that also carried and remembers you every day. I hope you can forgive me for being ok and not facing grief head on.
I love you so much.
Also, I don’t know if it was you who sent Roland to me, but he has been amazing. He was playing with my obsidian last night (and I think he stole it again) and hasn’t left my side all day. He even curled up next to me while I was having the massage. Just being a protective and comforting presence. Reminding me that he was there. Because I got him around your due date, he reminds me of you. He reminds me that you are there too. He steadies me when I most need it.
I heard from your grandma and uncle, but no one else. I guess after 4 years it’s just not high on their list of remembering or caring. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to keep your memory alive and active. I hoped more of my friends would reach out. It’s hard not to be disappointed by that. Each year fewer and fewer people reach out or seem to care. It’s discouraging.
But I will never fade away like that. Even without rituals or weeping, I will remember and recognize that you were alive inside me. And you remain a part of me, even when you are gone. Even now you are gone.
I love you my little bean, my Kessie. So much. Please stay by my side as I go through these reproductive health things that remind me of you. Please help me look after me the way I would have looked afte you because you are alive in me and my memory. My body remembers, and so do I. And I love you. To the moon and back. I love you.
I love you.
