[cw - discussion of death]
I died canonly, today. I've been in this system for nine years now, and I still can't get over everything that happened to me. I'm still nervous in medical situations and I can't handle having my arms restrained, and I deal with constant hallucinations. I still feel so scared. Everything they saw bleeds together with my life. I'm tired of it. I slept through today after having a massive breakdown last night.
I never had my own life, between being used as a tool by ## and getting mentally thrown between the 19th and 21st centuries... I don't understand. Those ghosts... they got to live their lives. Why didn't I get to live mine? I feel like it's all my fault, although logically it isn't. I could have done something. I should have done something. Many bad things happened because of me, and it doesn't matter if I was being manipulated or used. It was me. Don't know if I can forgive myself for that just yet.
The guy I spent years tracking down on ##'s command is in the system with me. He killed me. Put me out of my misery. We're friends now, and... it's strange to have someone be so nice to me. Without expecting anything in return. I don't understand him, but I'm thankful nonetheless. I hope everyone reading this can find someone that makes them feel a little bit better. Sorry if anything sounds strange, I'm still pretty out of it.
Ah, don't worry this makes perfect sense/doesn't sound strange to us! I also got used as a tool and the way I was dehumanized did cause me to do a lot of things that hurt people, and it's like those are my own actions regardless of how I was abused, in a way if I had just absolved myself of them it would have just validated that belief that I wasn't a sentient person with agency. All that to say that I really understand this kind of pain a lot.
I'm really glad that you were able to make friends with him/g relationships like that are beyond measure. I'm really sorry you feel scared still though, I wish I could offer more advice or solace but honestly the best I can really say is it's best to try and stay in the moment and stay grounded. Is there anything you enjoy doing? When you're used to being objectified it can be really hard to simply let yourself enjoy things that aren't "productive" at least, for me anyway, but it really does help I find to do things that don't have any point to them other than to be fun and distracting.
Stuff like playing video games (if you're like me and still need to feel like you're accomplishing things, games like minecraft where you can create things and still have that sense of having been productive might be a nice in between) or watching something relaxing or spending time with friends just chatting about random things are all some examples from us but of course everyone has different things that catch their interest.
