(For @malecdiscordserver Pride Bingo: Online Dating)
(Read on AO3)
Isabelle glances at her phone again for what feels like the 200th time that hour. Realistically it’s probably about the 12th time, which is still mildly mortifying to her. She never used to be like this, so hung up on waiting for the attention of another person. But not just any other person.
Ding.
Clary.
Isabelle opens the message as fast as her phone will unlock, smiling at the picture of her girlfriend that pops up before she can even read the text. It’s a photo she took of Clary on their very first date, with Clary sitting across from her at the small cafe table, hands clasped in front of her face in a failed attempt to hide from the camera. Isabelle can see the corners of Clary’s smile peeking out from behind her hands and it makes Isabelle smile down at her phone every time.
Clary <3: Are you busy?
Isabelle’s typing a reply before she fully finishes reading the question.
Isabelle: Never too busy for you! What’s up?
The phone starts to ring and Isabelle’s phone screen shifts from Clary’s text to her image on an incoming call. Izzy looks around at the bustling kitchen around her, because she’s absolutely at work right now and was anticipating being able to sneak in a few texts, not a call.
Izzy bites down on her lower lip as she weighs her options. It’s slow, and the few tables she has are all taken care of at the moment… surely she can sneak away for a minute or two before anyone would notice…
“Hey babe, one second,” Izzy says in a hushed tone, answering the call while weaving her way around the other servers and bussers in the small walkway, trying to be as subtle as possible about the fact that she’s on her phone when she absolutely shouldn’t be.
“Are you at work?” Comes Clary’s accusing tone from the other end of the line. It isn’t lost on Izzy that she’d been frazzled by the stress of her job moments before but feels an immediate settling at the sound of her partner’s voice over the phone. The sense of calm Isabelle feels around Clary, or even just hearing her, was something she felt from the moment they became friends. Honestly, it was one of the first signs that Izzy really liked Clary, because Izzy never felt more comfortable around another person before, not like this. She’d always been fiercely independent, always happier to be alone than around others.
Clary, as always, seems to be the exception to each one of Izzy’s usual life rules. “Maybe,” Izzy says slowly, with that lilt to her words betraying that yes, she is at work, and no, she doesn’t particularly care. “Why wouldn’t you just say that! I can call later-” “No, it’s fine! Honestly, I could use the sound of your voice right now. What’s up?” Isabelle asks, slipping out the back door half of the employees use for quick smoke breaks.
Clary sighs the resolved sigh of someone who knows and accepts that Izzy’s too stubborn to hang up.
“I’m stuck on this project I’m working on,” Clary admits. “I just keep staring at the bits that remind me of my past and… god, I hate it. There’s a reason I left those parts of me in my past. I know it’s part of the assignment but I just needed to step away and hear your voice before I set the whole thing on fire.”
Izzy pauses for a moment, then says, “Set it on fire.”
“What?”
“It’s the mixed media piece about finding yourself, or rediscovery, or whatever, right?” Izzy prompts.
“Yeah…” Clary speaks slowly and Isabelle can picture her walking slow circles around the table in the middle of her room set aside specifically for this project. Izzy’s seen it in a few pictures over the past few days. “So what if you make the edges of it all of the things from your past and burn it. Make it symbolic or whatever - you art people eat that shit up, right?”
“Are you trying to help me or insult me, Iz?” Clary asks, but there’s no actual hurt in her tone.
Izzy doesn’t reply to the obviously rhetorical question. She knows Clary well enough to know that she’s processing the idea, pulling a vision of it up in her mind, and anything Izzy says right now will be lost behind that mental focus.
“That might actually work. I already have most of those bits shoved off to the corners… if I just…” Clary’s voice trails off in thought, the familiar sound of shuffling papers and clattering paint brushes taking its place.
“Alright. You go back to being an artistic genius, and I’m going to head back inside before the bossman realizes I vanished. Call you after work?” Izzy says.
“Yes. Please go back before you get fired.”
“I’d say ‘let them try’, but I need the money for gas to visit you next weekend so I probably shouldn’t push my luck.” Izzy knows she has the internet to thank for even meeting Clary, but online dating - while better than nothing - can’t hold a candle to those few moments a month Isabelle get the real, physical thing.
“I love you, babe,” Izzy says. She’s said those three words so many times before but never meant them more than when she says them to Clary. “Love you too, baby,” Clary says almost before Izzy finishes her own declaration. Then, knowing Izzy will linger as long as she can manage, hangs up first to force Izzy back to work.
Izzy hangs outside a few extra seconds just the same, closing her eyes and wishing for the day when she’d be able to come home to Clary instead of planning visits, longing for when her long days will end in a warm embrace instead of a phone call.
“Lightwood! You out here?” A voice from the doorway summons Isabelle back to her current reality whether she likes it or not.
“Coming,” she says, pocketing her phone and heading back inside. One day, she promises herself. One day.
hi!! hope you're doing well. if it's okay i have a prompt for you: clary and magnus reconnecting after she comes back to the shadowhunters
I wrote this a few days ago and realized it fit today's prompt for the @malecdiscordserver prompt advent calendar so yay!
Day 2: Mistletoe
Magnus drops a large box full of decorations onto the table, dusting his hands off and smiling over at Clary.
Clary doesn’t hesitate, reaching inside and pulling out some tinsel and Christmas lights from the top. When she looks back up at him, it’s with a smile that reminds Magnus of when she was a little girl.
It’s strange sometimes for Magnus to think about the fact that he’d watched Clary grow up. He’d seen the small excited girl with her pigtails and pencil colors and unending amount of stories grow up into the woman who would sacrifice everything to save the Shadow World.
Losing her a year ago had been harder than expected. Magnus had become almost used to hearing about Clary in passing. Whether through Alec’s complaining, Luke telling a funny story, or even Raphael bringing up something Simon had said about her.
He’d definitely become used to Clary coming to him when she needed help. She was a handful, of course, but Magnus had never minded. Even when he’d had to clean up a fair share of her messes. She had spirit and morals and sometimes she reminded him of himself when he was young. Clary undoubtedly knew right from wrong better than he ever had at her age, but sometimes he would see the fire in her and there would be something familiar in it.
Clary had been the catalyst for a lot of the change happening in the Shadow World now. With every step towards something better, Magnus had thought about her. Had wished she had been able to see it.
But today wasn’t for emotional musings. They had Clary back now, and she was here to stay.
Plus, they had a party to set up for. Magnus had hosted a holiday party every year since he’d moved to New York and relocating to Alicante did not kill that tradition.
“Thanks for letting me help,” Clary says, jarring Magnus out of his thoughts, “they still won’t let me go out on a patrol.”
It has only been about two weeks since Clary’s memories have fully returned but she’s Clary so Magnus isn’t all that surprised that she’s ready to throw herself back into the field.
“This is much more important work that hunting demons,” Magnus replies, injecting an air of boredom into his voice over the end of the sentence.
Clary huffs a laugh, waving her hands around pointedly.
“I could magic this all up,” Magnus agrees, gesturing to the decorations , “but I think that defeats the fun.”
Clary nods seriously. “Decorating is the most important part of being a host.”
Magnus can feel himself grin wide, he really had missed her. No one else in his inner circle appreciates the mundane culture quite like she does.
“You, my dear Biscuit, are absolutely correct,” Magnus says, picking up the excessive amount of mistletoe he’d bought and offering it to Clary.
Clary laughs, accepting it with raised eyebrows.
“Hang this up somewhere that ensures maximum drama,” he tells her with a wink.
Clary salutes at him and bounds off into the living room. Magnus watches her go with a small smile on his face.
For the @malecdiscordserver Reverse Bang, based on this wonderful playlist and image by DarayFlair <3
(Read on AO3)
-------------
Jace feels like it’s wrong to be this happy after the death of his father and the loss of the only home he ever knew. He feared he would only ever feel a sense of isolation being forced to leave Idris and move to New York to live with the Lightwoods. Jace never imagined a scenario in which he would find someone who quite possibly means even more to him than his flesh-and-blood family did.
He’s never been happier to be wrong after the universe gave him Alexander Lightwood, the other half of his soul. It wasn’t obvious at first but once the two of them connected no one and nothing could pull them apart. They ate together, they frequently snuck into each other’s rooms at night when they had trouble sleeping, and they trained together 24/7. When Alec and Jace came of age to choose a Parabatai there wasn’t a doubt in Jace’s mind that they would choose each other.
Jace knows that his life comes with a lot of baggage and that his history is littered with trauma and tragedy, but Alec takes it all in stride. Never once does Alec judge Jace for any moments of weakness or vulnerability and Jace… well, Jace knows that he would die for Alec. Even before they become Parabatai he knows deep in his soul that Alec would do the same for him.
Choosing one another to bond with is barely a choice at all, not when they’re already so connected in every aspect short of the rune itself.
On the day of their parabatai ceremony, Jace stops Alec after breakfast as the two of them head back to their rooms to prepare for the day.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jace asks, betraying for the first time the doubt that so often crosses through his thoughts. Surely Alec has someone he would rather bond with, someone from a better family, or better tempered, or just better.
There’s a flash of doubt across Alec’s face and for a moment Jace fears he just gave Alec the out he’s secretly been waiting for.
“Me?” Alec scoffs, finally speaking. “Are you sure you want to do this? I mean… you’re amazing, Jace. Do you really want to be stuck with someone like me?”
“Yes,” Jace answers without hesitation. “Absolutely.”
Alec looks confused, like he still can’t believe what Jace is saying, before finally breaking into a wide grin.
“Then let’s go!”
It’s a decision Jace won’t question again for years to come.
---
Unfortunately, Alec can’t say the same.
Alec paces back and forth in his room. He knows that he only has a few more minutes before he has to be ready to go to the ceremony with Jace and the rest of his family, which means he only has a few more minutes to change his mind if he wants to.
It isn’t that he wants to, it’s just… By the angel, he isn’t sure he has a choice.
No matter how often and how many different ways he’s tried, Alec can’t seem to stop the romantic longing that overwhelms him when it comes to Jace. Every time they spar, every time he watches Jace out in the field, every time Jace laughs at something stupid Alec or Izzy says, Alec falls for him a little more.
Alec knows deep down that when Jace says he loves him, it isn’t the same way Alec means it when he says it. Jace says it with a clap on the back and a grin. Jace says it like a friend, like a brother. Alec should accept that being Parabatai is the closest he’s ever going to get to what he wants, but there’s a small part of him that hopes, that wonders…
What if?
And that part knows that if they cross the line of becoming Parabatai, any hope of being romantic is gone forever.
So Alec finds himself at a crossroads. Change his mind about being Parabatai in the hopes of fostering a different kind of connection with Jace, or continue to ignore and shove his romantic feelings away once the rune ceremony is complete and there’s no going back.
A sharp knock on his door is followed by the sound of his father’s voice asking if he’s ready to go. Alec is out of time to stall.
“Coming,” Alec says, grabbing his stele and rushing to the door, not giving his brain a chance to second-guess his gut instinct to go through with it. This is happening. This is guaranteed. If Alec tells Jace about his feelings and it doesn’t go well, then he could lose Jace entirely.
So yes, this is the best decision.
After all, being Parabatai is better than being nothing, right?
---
Alec never knew that fighting could come so naturally to him. The finer points of working together as a team with other Shadowhunters were always a struggle for Alec when he was forced to patrol with anyone other than Jace or Isabelle. It was one of the reasons he picked up the bow and arrow because he worked best alone and it gave him an excuse to stay behind out of practicality.
Ever since he and Jace became parabatai, however, they fight together like they share their thoughts as intimately as they share a soul. Alec always seems to know exactly where Jace is, even when he can’t see him. They duck, twist, and toss weapons to one another as if they’re one person fighting and not two, always right where the other needs them to be.
Alec, for the most part, enjoys every second of his time spent with Jace. He hasn’t quite managed to stop the unwelcome thoughts but he can ignore them to bask in their time together as friends and bonded warriors. It’s enough for Jace, so Alec tells himself that it’s enough for him, too. More than enough, really, because Alec never imagined he’d find anyone he cares about this much. He’s lucky to have Jace in his life in any capacity and he’s determined to embrace everything that entails.
Sometimes it means sneaking out at night when Jace gets the itch to find a bit of trouble, and it often means standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Jace when they occasionally get caught breaking the rules. It’s usually not Alec’s idea, but he shares the blame evenly with his parabatai just the same. They share everything, the good and the bad, and Alec wouldn’t have it any other way so long as Jace is by his side.
It’s one hell of a ride and Alec plans on enjoying every second of it.
---
Alec gets better and better the longer he trains with Jace. Alec would never consider himself the best at fighting. Hell, he barely considers himself good, not when he has to train twice as hard to be half as good as Izzy or Jace. There’s something to the advantage of being parabatai over simply training partners that has Alec connecting with Jace so much easier than before, almost like they’re in each other’s heads.
Alec gets better, but not as good as Jace. Alec isn’t certain that anyone is as good as Jace, not even some of the adults around them who have been doing this for decades. Jace isn’t just good, he’s amazing. There’s something inherently skilled in every movement he makes like his sword and stele are extensions of himself.
It isn’t just Alec who thinks so, either. Of course, Alec is the first and the loudest to sing his Parabatai’s praises, but he’s joined by his parents, their teachers, and the occasional visitors from Alicante. It attracts a lot of attention, except Alec can’t help but notice the way they barely spare him a second glance even when they’re watching him spar with Jace - not even when Alec holds his own against Jace in ways he never would have a year ago.
It’s fine. It’s… it is what it is.
Jace gets all the credit for their successful missions, which is fair considering it’s usually Jace’s bold but often reckless actions that give them the edge. Alec doesn’t want the limelight anyway, he’s never been one for the public eye.
There’s just one problem.
Alec knows that if word ever got out about Alec’s true feelings for his Parabatai it would demolish Jace’s reputation. Every time Alec considers telling Jace the truth about his romantic feelings, every time he works up just enough nerve to think that maybe this will be the day he actually goes through with it, that’s the one fear that stops Alec before he can go through with it.
Jace is a star. He’s a golden boy. He’s everything the younger academy students want to be and everything the older Shadowhunters wish they had been at Jace’s age. Jace has everything he’s ever wanted and Alec doesn’t want to risk being the reason he loses it all.
Not when Jace probably isn’t going to return Alec’s feelings anyway.
It’s too much of a risk, not just for Alec, but for Jace as well. If the risk was all on Alec’s end then maybe, maybe he’d consider it, but he can’t do that to his best friend, his soulmate, his biggest crush. He can’t do that to his family, either. His parents are proud of him and the honor he’s bringing to their family name, and he knows what a scandal like this could do to a family name they’re still rebuilding.
So Alec keeps his mouth shut, and his head low, and moves forward, continuing to get everything he wants, just not quite in the way he wants it.
---
“Hey, Alec?” Jace asks, pulling the water bottle away from his lips. The two of them just got back from a mission and are taking a few minutes to unwind with some much-needed rehydration after their time out in the humid August weather.
“Yeah?” Alec asks, a slight huff to his breath as he’s still coming down from the rush of the hunt.
“I heard your dad talking about another mission going out in an hour. I know we just got back, but…”
“Jace…”
“Come on, Alec! This is the best we’ve ever been, and you know I’m only half as good without you by my side. I just…” Jace shrugs. “We fought so hard to get to where we are, you know? You especially!”
Alec knows exactly what Jace means by that, even if Jace is too kind to say it outright. No one ever thought that Alec would be able to keep up with Jace, let alone match him. The moment they lose this momentum, they’re as good as forgotten again. Alec doesn’t care, but he knows that Jace does.
“You’re going with or without me, aren’t you?” Alec asks, already knowing the answer he’s going to get. Jace is always more reckless when Alec isn’t around, or maybe it’s just that the others don’t know how to look out for Jace the way Alec does which gets him hurt more often on patrols Alec isn’t on.
“I want to…” Jace admits.
There’s a small part of Alec that’s afraid of saying no, not just for Jace’s well-being because of Alec’s paranoia. What if Jace starts replacing him with one of the other Shadowhunters? What if Alec turns down one-too-many extra missions and Jace realizes he likes someone else more or fights with them better?
Alec considers, takes another sip of his water, and shrugs as if this decision isn’t a second away from sending him into a panic spiral. “I mean, yeah. Sure, why not?”
Jace grins back at Alec like he just granted Jace’s biggest wish, and any doubt Alec feels fades away. Plus, Jace is right - they’re at their best together, and as much as Alec doesn’t need the attention he can’t say he minds the praise from his critical parents or the way people seem almost jealous of how close he is with everyone’s golden boy, Jace.
If they only knew how close Alec wishes he could be…
---
Alec can’t tell what it is but over the next few months something shifts between himself and Jace. They’re closer than ever, and not just out in battle. Jace is more relaxed around Alec lately. He’s friendlier. They’ve always been friends, of course, but this is different. Alec can’t explain it in words but he knows how he feels and there’s no denying it.
Alec tries to keep it to himself. He really, really does. But he can’t pass up on the chance that maybe, just maybe, Jace might feel the same.
“Hey, Jace. I… okay, so, say there’s something that someone wants to tell you. Hypothetically. And there’s a chance that it might be the wrong thing to say, and that it might ruin your whole friendship, and-”
“Woah, Alec, take a breath,” Jace says, reaching out to place a hand on Alec’s shoulder. Alec doesn’t even realize how fast his words were coming without so much as a single breath between them until Jace stops him. When he does breathe it’s fast. Too fast.
He shouldn’t do this.
He can’t do this.
“Sorry. Forget I said anything,” Alec says, just as quickly.
“What’s wrong? Alec, hey, talk to me. There’s nothing you can say that wound ruin-”
“I like you.” Alec spits the words out before he can overthink and change his mind.
“Well, yeah,” Jace starts, but Alec shakes his head to stop him.
“No. I mean, I like you. Romantically. I want to kiss you. Raziel, I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long.”
There’s a pause that only lasts a full second or two, but it feels like a lifetime as it drags out in the space between them.
“How long?” Jace asks finally.
It isn’t a question Alec expects. In fact, now that they’re talking, Alec isn’t sure exactly what he expected at all. Silence, for Jace to walk away without a single word? Or maybe anger, or disgust? Certainly not this calm curiosity that Alec meets with uncertain caution.
“Since before we became Parabatai,” Alec admits quietly, unsure if this makes the situation better or worse. “I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could push it down and forget about it, but I can’t. It’s all I can think about, all I feel when I look at you. It’s distracting, honestly, because I”m always wondering what if--”
“Alec-”
“What if telling you would make a difference? In what we are to each other.” Alec plows on, refusing to stop before he’s said his entire piece now that he started. There’s no turning back now that the floodgates of the thoughts that overwhelmed his heart and head for so long are finally opened.
“We’re parabatai,” Jace says. Alec knows from the slowness of his speech that he’s choosing his words carefully. “That’s what we are to each other. We’re…” Jace hesitates, and Alec knows what he’s going to say before he finally says it. “We’re brothers.”
“You’ve always been there for me, Jace. I’d die for you, and I know you feel the same,” Alec knows his tone sounds too pleading.
“Yeah, but…” Jace starts, then stops, shaking his head. “It isn’t allowed. You can’t… we could never…”
“We could… fuck, I don’t know. I’ll leave the Institute if I have to. We could run away, go anywhere else if it means we can be together.” Alec hopes he doesn’t sound as desperate as he feels like he might, but he can’t help it. This is his only chance, if he messes this up… if he ruins the beauty of what they have…
“I love you, Jace. I’m in love with you, and I have been for a while now. And I’m not sorry about it. I’m only sorry it took me so long to tell you.”
It’s out there now, all of it, every last confession of truth Alec has bottled up inside of him. All he can do now is wait for Jace’s response.
---
Jace doesn’t know what to say as he looks back at Alec’s hopeful expression. He wants to be there for Alec in whatever way Alec needs, but he can’t.
Not like this.
He can’t bring himself to say it, already anticipating the heartbreak it will cause. Alec is his best and closest friend. He’s his brother, his parabatai. The other half of his goddamn soul! Jace’s instincts scream that his only job in this life is to protect Alec. He cares about Alec more than he cares about himself, and the idea of causing Alec any pain at all, however unintentional, is the last thing Jace wants to do.
He just doesn’t like Alec the same way that Alec likes him. It should be that simple, he should just say those words and be done with it, but he can’t bring himself to do it.
“I’m glad you told me,” Jace says finally. He’s stalling, trying to find the right words, the best words, to say what he needs to say.
“You are?” Alec asks, somehow looking even more hopeful now. This is going to be a lot more complicated than Jace first thought.
“Of course. You can tell me anything, Alec.”
Jace suddenly realizes that he’s terrified. No one has ever been as important to him as Alec is, and he doesn’t want to lose that. And he does love Alec… would it be that different to see if he could love Alec that way? Would it be so bad to give it a try, just to see?
The moment the thought crosses his mind Jace knows it’s the wrong decision. He knows in his heart that he doesn’t love Alec the way Alec loves him and that he never will. If he’s being honest, he’s suspected the true depth of Alec’s feelings for a while now, but it wasn’t something he had to directly confront until now.
By the Angel, how Jace wishes he didn’t have to confront it now. He knows it would be a million times worse to lead Alec on and toy with his emotions in the long run, though. Alec was honest with him and Jace owes Alec the same level of honesty in return.
“And I can be honest with you too, right?” Jace asks.
“Of course,” Alec replies, but his face falls just a little and it’s obvious to Jace that Alec can tell what’s coming next from the way Jace’s features pull into tight, worried lines.
“I love you, Alec. You know that, right?” Jace asks and though it’s mostly rhetorical he waits for Alec to nod before continuing. “I just don’t love you the same way. I’m sorry-”
“No,” Alec shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about.” “Alec-” Jace can feel Alec close off immediately, the usual armor he has around his feelings back in place as if his vulnerable confession moments before never happened.
“I never should’ve said anything.”
“Alec, please-”
“It’s fine,” Alec says, but Jace swears he spots the shimmer of tears threatening to fall before Alec turns away. “I have to go.”
“Wait! We should talk about this,” Jace pleads.
“I think I did more than enough talking for one day,” Alec says with a pinched smile and a forced laugh.
Jace hopes all Alec needs is a little time and doesn’t try to stop him as he walks away.
---
Alec refuses to speak about it with Jace after that first conversation, even though Jace tries time and time again to pull him aside and talk.
He’s too embarrassed to talk about it, now that he knows Jace doesn’t feel the same. And why would he? Why would someone as amazing as Jace care about someone like Alec? A friendship of convenience, of necessity, and not of true love.
Not love in the way Alec wishes, at least.
Everything would be easier if Jace were gay. Alec’s never seen him with another man and Jace has never commented on the attractiveness of any other guys, or even hinted at liking them in the past. Why would Alec dare to hope that he might be the exception, just because of the deeper bond they share?
He isn’t anything special.
…not yet.
But he can be. Alec knows he can be special, someone more deserving.
Alec decides to start by closing off as much of his end of the bond as possible. He shuts down, trying to block all the romantic feelings he can, withdrawing from the level of openness he had before. If Jace knew about how he felt before, or at least suspected, then Alec was way too open with his feelings. It isn’t a mistake he’ll keep making, that’s for sure.
He likes Jace too much, and if the solution is to hide that so Jace is still comfortable being around him, then so be it. On some level, Alec knows that he’s going to extremes, but there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for Jace. That includes keeping his distance so he doesn’t mess anything up any more than he already has.
All Alec has to do is play it cool. He acts like it doesn’t matter - like he doesn’t care if he talks to Jace, or if Jace even bothers to look his way. It’s the same casual indifference he’s seen Jace react to girls with time and time again. Too cool to care. Too cool to feel. Maybe if Alec pretends hard enough he’ll start to believe it himself.
It’s difficult because without being able to say why they wouldn’t be able to work together, the two of them continue to be put on patrols together. The silence between them is awful but Alec knows that he only has himself to blame for it. What can either of them say to each other at this point? There’s no taking Alec’s confession back, no pretending it never happened.
The strain on their bond is palpable, made worse by the distance Alec puts between himself and his parabatai, but it’s what he needs to do. He can only hope a little tension now will save them from breaking apart entirely.
Maybe if Jace realizes the true potential of what he’s losing, he’ll want it back.
---
Jace does want his relationship with Alec back, but back to the way it was before. For the first time, he realizes exactly how good he had it, how important it is to him to have that connection and that understanding, not just in the field but in his everyday life.
He can’t tell if Alec is upset, mad, or actually fine, because he can’t feel Alec at all. He tries to nudge at their bond, to open himself up more than he ever has before in the hopes that Alec will feel it and reach out in return, but it never happens.
It’s an emptiness, a sense of lacking, that Jace hates. He wonders if this is what Alec’s felt, knowing full well Jace has always kept himself more than a little closed off, even to his parabatai. He always thought he was doing Alec a favor, sparing him the struggle of some of Jace’s emotional trauma and more dramatic thoughts and feelings, but he’s realizing now that maybe he’s been hurting Alec in the long run.
Maybe if he’d been a little more open Alec would know just how loved he is.
Because the one thing Jace takes away from all this is how much he loves Alec, even now. The idea of his parabatai having a crush on him should scare him away, it should make him want to close off entirely, but it doesn’t. He loves Alec, and while he’s right to trust his gut in the sense that it isn’t the same way Alec loves him, he misses the love they do share, love that Jace is now terrified to lose forever.
The problem is that he doesn’t know how to talk to Alec right now. On the rare occasion Alec doesn’t manage to entirely avoid Jace, they’re usually around too many people to speak openly. When they can speak, Jace doesn’t know what to say.
Saying he loves Alec feels like it will do more harm than good when it isn’t the sort of love Alec wants from him.
So Jace keeps his distance. He gives Alec the space he so clearly wants, and hopes that it’s enough. He hopes, so desperately, that giving Alec a bit of time now will allow them to come back together sooner rather than later.
Days turn to a week, then two weeks, then nearly a month.
It doesn’t work. Not as easily or quickly as Jace wants it to, at least. The longer their bong remains strained, the longer Jace feels a tension builds within him that runs down to his very core.
He can’t take it.
“Alec, something has to give. We can’t keep pretending everything is fine like this,” Jace snaps one day after a patrol.
“I”m not pretending. I’m fine.” Jace knows it’s a lie… isn’t it? He can’t tell, not with how shut off Alec is lately. “You never cared before so why pretend to care now? Just… god, just be normal again. Stop acting like you care.”
And that’s the final straw for Jace.
Alec wants him to stop caring? Fine. He can do that.
That night, Jace goes out. He goes out the night after that, and the night after that, not bothering to wander back into the Institute until well into the early morning, still a bit drunk and smelling of a different perfume every day. He makes sure Alec sees him, makes sure he knows that this is Jace being normal again.
If this is what Alec wants, then Jace can give it to him.
Jace stays out later and later, never telling anyone where he’s going, not even Alec. He barely notices when his performance during missions starts to suffer, his attacks becoming less accurate and slowed despite the stamina runes he uses to counter his sleepless nights.
He does notice when Alec begins to take advantage of Jace slipping by taking more risks of his own during hunts.
It’s subtle at first, a few reckless moves during a mission or two just to test the waters until Alec turns into a certifiable liability. He’s jumping out in front of Jace instead of covering him from a distance, going so far as to stab a demon with an arrow when he gets pinned down and Jace nearly takes too long to clear the distance between them.
Alec charges in without a second thought on more than one occasion, always without warning Jace of his plan ahead of time - and that’s giving him the credit for having a plan in the first place. Sometimes Jace wonders if he does, or if he just has a death wish and wants to go out in a blaze of glory all of a sudden.
“What the fuck was that, Alec?” Jace demands after one brazen move that lands Alec with a deep gash across his stomach.
“That was me killing a demon, Jace. Which is our job, in case you’ve forgotten from all the partying.”
“You could’ve gotten yourself killed!”
“Then make sure I don’t. If you even care if I do,” Alec adds. He tries to sound nonchalant but Jace can hear the strain behind them, he can see the flicker of fear in Alec’s expression that maybe Jace doesn’t care.
Jace realizes it for what it is - a test. A test to see if Jace will stop him, or come to his rescue. A test to see if Jace cares whether he lives or dies. A test to see where they stand with one another.
“How can you think I don’t, even for a second, Alec?” Jace asks incredulously.
Alec shrugs, turning his back to Jace without another word.
Jace has no idea where they stand anymore. He doesn’t know what they need to be fixed, or if they even can, and that terrifies him.
All Jace knows is that he hasn’t been acting like someone who deserves his parabatai’s love. Not in the way he’s lashed out through shoving his nights out and one-night-stands in Alec’s face, and certainly not in the way he’s allowed Alec to spiral to the point of thinking Jace not only wouldn’t care if he dies, but might even want him to.
He has to try and fix this.
He starts by defending Alec’s reckless choices in their debriefings, placing the blame on himself.
“If I hadn’t fallen so behind, Alec never would’ve needed to go so close like that,” Jace insists. “He was picking up my slack, and I take full responsibility for that.”
“You’re better than that,” Robert says to Jace, eyeing them both warily. “You both are.”
“Yes, sir. And I’ll do better, I promise.” Jace says the words and looks directly at Alec as he does, a promise to his parabatai to do better, to be better. “I promise.”
It isn’t an easy promise to keep. Jace stops going out, and he starts paying more attention to Alec. He opens the bond between them once more and does his best to push his own emotions through, to try and show Alec that there’s still the potential for so much love between them. He counters every bit of Alec pulling away by pushing closer instead of allowing him space.
Was that his biggest mistake, meeting Alec’s step back with one of his own? It felt right at the time, but now Jace isn’t so sure.
“I wish I could go back and do things differently,” Jace tells Alec. He’s in line behind him to get dinner and knows he’ll only get a few seconds of Alec’s forced attention before they’ll part ways again. “If I let my walls down sooner, would it have been enough? They’re down now. Please, just meet me halfway?”
“I don’t think I can,” Alec says. He doesn’t turn around to face Jace. “I don’t think I can do anything halfway when it comes to you. I’m sorry.”
Later that afternoon Jace is told that he’ll be going on patrols without Alec for a while, and to let Robert know if he has any preferences for partners.
He knows that this is Alec’s doing. He hates it. He wants to fight it, to demand Alec back. He wants to force Alec to see how hard he’s trying here.
It’s the only thing they haven’t tried, though. They don’t talk anymore, Alec’s closed off his side of the bond, and nothing they do or say seems to make things any better. Maybe splitting up in the field will be the space they need to properly heal.
It has to be, Jace thinks. Because if it isn’t then they’re truly out of options, and Jace doesn’t want to think about what happens next.
---
Alec takes a deep breath before knocking on the door of his father’s office.
“Come in,” Robert calls from within. He’s expecting Alec since he’s the one who called this meeting after promising to find Alec a new patrol partner. “Have a seat, son.”
Son. That’s never a good start, Alec muses.
“I wanted to talk with you about Jace,” Robert begins.
“I’d rather not,” Alec mutters.
“Tell me what happened.”
It’s not a request, but it’s softer than Alec anticipates coming from his father.
“We had a… falling out.” Alec attempts to find the words to explain without telling the full truth, but he can only sigh heavily in the end. “I messed up. I ruined everything. Now I can barely look him in the eye and I can’t… we can’t work like that. It isn’t fair to either of us.”
Robert nods. “I’ve seen you with him. I’ve seen the way you… how you look…” Robert fumbles over his words in a way that Alec’s never seen before. He can’t bring himself to say it, and Alec can’t bring himself to confirm a truth he never intended on telling his father in the first place.
“It isn't like that,” Alec lies.
“You can’t let this ruin your bond, Alexander.”
“I think that damage is already done,” Alec admits. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud, and it brings an immediate sting of tears to his eyes.
“No, it isn’t. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.”
“What are you talking about?” Alec asks.
“I severed my bond with Michael,” Robert says, the words rushed and clipped as he forces them out. “I pushed him away after he admitted feelings I didn’t return and closed myself off until the bond broke entirely.”
Alec’s eyes are wide and he sits in stunned silence, a million questions crossing his mind but unable to utter a single word in response.
“Not being able to feel him any longer, not knowing if he was okay, or even alive… it was the single worst thing I’ve ever experienced. That emptiness hurt more than any actual pain.”
“I can’t… I can’t stand feeling how sorry he feels for me every time we’re together. I can’t.”
“It won’t feel like that forever. You have to give him the chance I never gave myself. He’s refusing another patrol partner, you know,” Robert tacks on.
“What?”
“He wants to bench himself until the two of you work things out. I don’t think you know how lucky you are to have someone like Jace-”
“How lucky I am? To be in love with my parabatai? To have him not love me back?”
“To have him not hate you for how you feel,” Robert snaps. “Because he could. He could be the one pushing you away.”
An uneasy silence falls between them after Robert’s harsh words.
“But he’s not. And there’s still time to salvage what you have. Just don’t wait too long, because once you realize your regret it’ll be too late. Trust me.”
It’s not the best father-son pep talk, and the ending is abrupt, but Alec knows it’s the best Robert can do with the situation. It hurts, knowing how he’s reacted in the past to this very thing, but the fact that he opened up to Alec about it at all speaks volumes to his ability to sympathize now more than he had at Alec’s age.
Robert may not be perfect, but Alec knows he’s better than he could’ve been. It’s a small comfort as he leaves the office with a lot more to consider than he entered it with.
---
Alec’s first patrol out without Jace is terrible. He thought it couldn’t be any worse than fighting alongside the strained bond of his parabatai, but even without their connection fully open between them he and Jace know how to read each other and anticipate each other in a fight. It’s a battle bond they trained with for years, and it’s one Alec immediately feels the lack of with any other Shadowhunter.
He almost talks to Jace about it, about everything they’ve been through and everything Robert warned him about, but he can’t. He faces Jace but the words won’t come, not for either of them.
“Jace…” “Alec…”
Silence. The stumbling, stuttering beginnings of thoughts that have no end. Too much uncertainty. Too much fear.
Every night for a week he goes out on patrol with someone new, but nothing works and no one else feels right. No one knows how to work with an archer in the field, and Alec doesn’t know how to cover someone whose every move goes against each of his instincts in a fight. Even worse is when Alec’s teamed with others who prefer to hang back and cover, leaving no one to take the lead.
Alec starts to wonder if Jace has the right idea not patrolling at all - Alec suffers more than one close call because he’s too out of sync trying to fight alongside anyone other than Jace.
One night Raj, his partner for patrol, goes so far ahead that Alec loses sight of him entirely. Alec is left entirely alone when a demon swings around behind him and gets the jump on him, with no backup in sight as the demon’s poison takes hold through deep gashes down his back. It’s only when Raj circles back half an hour later that he finds Alec unconscious on the ground and takes him back to the Institute.
It’s nearly too late.
Nothing they give him can stop the spread of the poison already in his veins fast enough. Isabelle pries herself away from her brother’s side just long enough to track down Jace and get him to return to the Institute.
Alec is drifting in and out of consciousness when Jace arrives tot he infirmary. He freezes at Alec’s bedside, looking down at him with a horrified expression.
“Shit, Isabelle. You weren’t kidding.”
“He’s dying, Jace. Couldn’t you feel that?” Isabelle asks, brows furrowed in concern.
Jace bites his lower lip, already moving to trace over Alec’s already-exposed healing rune. “I felt that something was off, but… Raziel, I didn’t realize our connection was that faded already.”
For all their awkwardness and uncertainty around one another, the power of their bond once activated is undeniable. The healing rune Jace draws on Alec - and then draws over again, and again, and again - can do what other magic and medicine couldn’t.
“Come on, Alec. Come back to me. You can fight this, I know you can,” Jace repeats the words under his breath like a mantra, as if hearing them will help with Alec’s healing.
Maybe it does. Alec hears Jace’s voice like it’s at the other end of a long, dark tunnel, but he follows the sound of the words. He listens, because it’s Jace, and he always listens to Jace. At least, he used to, and perhaps he should start again.
“Jace?” Alec manages, the single name spoken in a hoarse rasp.
“I’m here,” Jace says, taking Alec’s hand in his own. “I’m here.”
Isabelle stands behind Jace with a hand on his shoulder, looking equally relieved to hear Alec speak again.
“You came,” Alec observes, surprised.
Jace looks pained for a brief moment before he nods. “Of course I did.”
“You two really need to figure your shit out,” Isabelle sighs.
“I…” Alec starts but trails off in a coughing fit.
“Not now,” Jace says, tone reassuring. “Just rest. We’ll talk when you’re feeling better. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
That’s all Alec needs to hear. Almost as soon as the words reach his ears Alec’s eyes drift shut again and he falls asleep as Jace’s healing marks work their magic.
---
Jace sits by Alec’s bedside with Isabelle long after Alec falls asleep.
“You’re going to fix things with him, right?” Isabelle prompts.
“I’m not the one who can do that, Iz,” Jace sighs. He hasn’t wanted to talk about their falling out with anyone. He can’t, not without betraying information Alec admitted to him in confidence. “I want to talk to him. I wanted to keep our patrols and work things out, and Alec…” Jace trails off, looking down at his sleeping parabatai. “Alec won’t even look at me anymore.”
“Neither of you has ever been great about talking about your feelings,” Isabelle points out.
“I’m going to try, okay? When you told me what happened and I realized I hadn’t felt it first… Raziel, that was the worst I’ve ever felt. Like I failed him, even if I haven’t been the one closing off. So yeah, I’m going to talk with him, and I’m going to do whatever I can to fix this, because this?” Jace looks back down at Alec, shaking his head. “This can’t happen again.”
Isabelle takes her leave about an hour after that and Jace is left alone with only the sound of his thoughts and Alec’s occasional toss and turn in the small infirmary bed. He realizes with a striking amount of clarity just how close he came to losing Alec today, and the thought alone is enough to make his stomach turn. He doesn’t know what he can do to convince Alec that they can find a way to be okay after everything, but he’ll be damned if he isn’t going to figure it out.
One thing Jace knows for certain is that he doesn’t want to live in a world without Alec. There is no life without Alec by his side, not for Jace.
True to his word, Jace waits until Alec is feeling better and gets the all-clear from the infirmary doctors before starting any serious discussions.
“This is where we have to talk, right?” Alec asks him before Jace can even open his mouth.
“Yeah. This is where we talk,” Jace confirms. They both need to, no matter how much they both hate the idea of it. “But not here. Your room or mine?”
“Mine,” Alec says almost immediately. “I just want to sit in my own bed again.”
Jace nods, following Alec up to his room. He closes the door behind them and waits for Alec to get comfortable on the bed, looking up at the ceiling instead of over where Jace leans against the wall by the door.
“You don’t have to hover over there,” Alec adds without opening his eyes.
“Remember when we used to sneak into each other’s rooms and just sit up all night talking?” Jace asks suddenly, taking a hesitant step forward.
Without a word Alec shifts over to the edge of one side, making space for Jace to lay down next to him, looking up at the ceiling as well. It feels nice, something familiar and comforting, and it gives him hope that this is something they can get back to.
“Alec, I know I’m not what you want me to be,” Jace starts. “And I know we can’t just go back to the way we were before. But… I don’t want to. I thought I did, but I was wrong.”
“I was wrong, too,” Alec cuts in. “I thought I’d be better off just pretending you didn’t exist, but that’s ridiculous. You’re my parabatai. My best friend. My brother. I need you, Jace.”
“I need you too,” Jace agrees
“So now what?” Alec asks.
Jace isn’t sure he has an answer for that. He doesn’t know, and that thought terrifies him.
“Now we fix it,” he says finally. He knows it isn’t going to be that simple, but he says it anyway. “Now we make it better.”
---
It isn’t easy, not for either of them.
It isn’t easy for Jace to put his trust back in Alec after Alec so readily closed him off and pushed him away for so long, and it isn’t easy for Alec to open back up to Jace after his heartbreak. Their conversations are superficial to start, trying to figure out if and where to draw any lines until they begin to realize that they don’t have to draw any lines, not if Jace accepts Alec’s feelings and Alec accepts that he’s lived his entire life thinking Jace wouldn’t return them anyway, so is it that much different knowing for certain?
Jace learns to not shy away from Alec’s casual touches, or when they press back-to-back while fighting on patrol, or when Alec successfully pins Jace to the mat during their sparring session.
The first time Jace winks at Alec in his compromised position, Alec can only roll his eyes and laugh before helping Jace up.
That was the moment they both knew that they were going to be okay.
“Nice to see Lightwood isn’t throwing himself at demons every two seconds anymore,” Underhill comments after Alec and Jace get back from a successful patrol with a report of Jace taking the lead and Alec covering him from a nearby fire escape.
Alec looks sheepish, remembering the very patrol Underhill is thinking of, and can’t blame the other man for calling Alec out like that.
“Not if I can help it,” Jace promises. He says it with a light laugh, brushing off Underhill’s words as a joke, but Alec catches the glint of concern in Jace’s eyes when they flick in Alec’s direction.
Once they’re alone again Jace turns to Alec. “Was it really as bad as I kept hearing?”
“Probably worse,” Alec admits. He promised Jace no more hiding and no more lying. He supposes that should start here and now. “I am a Lightwood, I’m sure some of the rumors were kinder than they should’ve been, all things considered.”
“Yeah, well, we both lashed out in our own ways, didn’t we?” Jace sighs. “We never really talked about it, but I’m sorry if I took things too far. I know I’ve always dated around, but…”
“But you didn’t have to shove it in my face?” Alec finishes for him. “I probably deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t,” Jace shakes his head. “I was an ass,” he adds.
“Yeah, well, that makes two of us. What do you say we call it even and start with a clean slate?”
It feels too easy… but then again, everything between the two of them always was until recently. His bond with Alec has always felt so natural, as meant to be as the soulmates they became, that it would only make sense that making up would be just as easy.
“I’d say that sounds great.”
---
It’s a little more work than a few kind, reassuring words, but not by much.
“You know, you can go out without me,” Alec tells Jace after watching him turn down yet another invitation to go out to a club with Isabelle and some of her Seelie friends.
“I don’t want to,” Jace says with a shrug.
Alec eyes Jace suspiciously. “Bullshit,” Alec calls him out.
“We have plans to train-”
“Jace, we train all the time. I think we can skip a night.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s… we only just got back to some sort of normal. And I’d honestly rather spend time staying in to train with you than going out with anyone else.” Jace means every single word of it. Honestly, the more time he spends with Alec trying to reconnect and strengthen their bond again, the more he realizes just how much he missed that time when it was gone.
“That’s ridiculous,” Alec laughs. “Jace, I love you, but--” Alec’s words stop abruptly when he realizes what he just said. “Shit. Sorry, I-”
“You can say it,” Jace encourages. He wants Alec to say it. He wants it to be a comfortable truth between them. “You love me. And it might not be the same way, but I love you too. More than anyone else in my life, Alec. And I need you to know that.” “I do,” Alec says.
“No, I need you to believe it. Because I know you, Alec. You’ll think I’m just saying it to be nice, or to humor you, but I mean it,” Jace insists, not breaking the eye contact he holds with Alec. “I’m sorry it took almost losing you to realize it, but you’re my soulmate. You’re the single most important person in my life, no matter what. And I might not want to make out with you or anything, but I do want to spend my free time with you… and eat meals with you, and laugh over stupid jokes with you. It’s… not love the way we’re raised to expect love, but it’s still love, right?” Jace scrunches his face up a bit. He knows this doesn’t make any sense, but he can’t find a better way to explain what he’s been feeling lately.
Alec’s quiet for a few long seconds before he speaks again.
“It sounds like love to me,” Alec agrees. “It might not be what I envisioned before, but it’s a life I’d be happy having with you by my side.”
Jace beams.
---
“We’re ready to go back into the field together,” Alec promises.
“Things between the two of you are… resolved?” Robert asks, looking between the two of them.
“More than,” Jace confirms.
Robert’s lips purse together, his brows furrowing.
“Not like-” Jace sputters, shaking his head. “I just mean we talked things over, and I think we’re going to be even better than before.”
“We’ve got each other’s backs. We’ve got this, dad,” Alec confirms. For good measure, he turns to face Jace as well, reaching out to take his hand and giving it a firm squeeze. “We’ve got this.”
“Then prove it. You get one week probationary run, and I want detailed reports each morning.”
“Yes, sir,” Jace and Alec say in unison.
Their probation ends up lasting only two days.
It’s obvious from the moment they’re back in the field together that they weren’t lying about being better than before. Jace swears he’s even breathing in sync with Alec as they fight, sharing the same heartbeat as they anticipate each other’s moves as easily as if they’re the ones making them. Alec ducks as Jace swings above him, and kicks out the legs of a demon as Jace jumps to avoid the sweep of Alec’s long legs. They move with one another more than they react to each other, feeding off that internal connection and instinct they both worried might be faded, or gone forever.
The moment they’re in the thick of it, relying on each other to protect and defend, it’s as if the rest of the world, including their uncertain past, doesn’t exist. There is only the two of them in this moment, and in this moment that is all they need.
Two quick iratzes after the battle and they’re good as new - no lingering pain or open wounds from the slower healing of self-drawn marks.
And Jace feels it - the love Alec has for him, the joy of being able to watch out for him, and the relief of seeing Jace alive and well and whole in front of his eyes. He feels it more than he ever has after patrols in the past, and it warms him from the inside out.
“You’re really happy,” Jace observes. It isn’t a question, but it seems like it might be from Jace’s curious tone so Alec answers.
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Alec asks, eyebrow raised. “Aren’t you?”
“I am,” Jace reassures him quickly. “I was just making sure,” Jace adds with a light laugh. “I know this isn’t what you wanted-”
“No, it wasn’t what I wanted before... but it is now,” Alec corrects. “This, what we have right now? It’s exactly what I want. I’m more than okay with this, Jace. I’m happy. And you felt it too out there, didn’t you?”
Jace nods immediately. “How could I not? That was… Raziel, that was something else tonight. That’s the strongest our connection’s ever been.”
“It’s the most open our connection’s ever been,” Alec points out.
“Well, it’s working for us. I just… sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found you when I did, you know? I could’ve ended up with any family, but it’s like… it’s like the angels got it right when they made you. Sometimes it feels like they made you just for me.” “Us,” Alec corrects. “They got it right when they made us for each other.”
Jace smiles at that, pulling Alec in to wrap his arms around him.
Alec has always felt right for Jace, and Jace for Alec. They always knew it, it was why they became parabatai in the first place, after all. But it took nearly losing it to realize just how much the other’s presence in their life makes them whole.
And now they both know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the other feels the same. They’re each other’s heart, each other’s soul, and each other’s home.
Now, and forever they share a love unique to them, and it’s perfect.
(Femslash February prompt: Reverse Verse)
(Read on AO3)
“I don’t know if I can do this… what if they don’t listen to me?” Maia says, pacing back and forth, her shoes sticking slightly to the floor of the Jade Wolf where she came to meet with Isabelle prior to her first official day as Head of the Institute.
“They will,” Izzy reassures her. “They have to, if nothing else,” the werewolf adds with an easy laugh. Maia wishes she felt any of that easiness or shared any of Isabelle’s unwavering belief in her abilities.
“As if either of us would listen to someone just because they’re in charge,” Maia points out with a bit of a smirk. “If Luke didn’t move to Idris and pass the title to me, I wouldn’t even be in the running for years - decades, even - to head an entre Institute, and everyone knows it.”
Isabelle moves to stand in front of Maia and effectively stop her pacing, reaching out to take Maia’s hands in her own and give them a squeeze as she looks into Maia’s eyes.
“Everyone also knows that he put you up as his replacement for a reason, Maia. You’re the best one for the job, and everyone knows it. You got this, babe,” Isabelle says, punctuating her last words with a kiss to the top of each of Maia’s hands.
“I guess I don’t have much of a choice,” Maia admits, glancing at the clock on the wall behind her girlfriend. “Time to go.”
“Want me to walk you there? Jace can handle things here for the day and I can stay close by in case you need any emergency support,” Izzy offers.
“Right, because nothing says ‘I can handle this’ than having a werewolf on standby to fight my battles for me,” Maia laughs.
“Not for you,” Izzy corrects. “With you. And I was thinking more for emotional support than physical intervention. Are you anticipating a lot of fistfights on your first day? Maybe I should be more worried…”
“Shut up,” Maia says with a roll of her eyes, but there’s no heat behind her words. There never is when she’s talking with Isabelle, the only person who’s ever managed to tame the instinctive rage she used to feel so often and replace it so easily with something calm and measured.
“Make me,” Isabelle replies almost immediately, a familiar back-and-forth between them which ends in a kiss. It always ends in a kiss. Maia knows she’s smearing Isabelle’s bright red lipstick but she doesn’t particularly care, making a mental note to double-check her teeth later as she pulls away with one last bite to Izzy’s lower lip, tugging the skin between her teeth.
“Alright, alright, go before you’re late on your first day and you blame me for it,” Izzy says, practically shoving Maia out the door of the Jade Wolf. “I’m just a phone call away if you need any backup,” Izzy adds with a wink.
Maia hopes she doesn’t, but she supposes only time will tell as she carefully wipes the traces of red from her own lips and makes her way to the Institute.
