What You Do and Don't Have
A/N: Ahhh yes writing. When was the last time I do that? 2 years ago? maybe posting it here but I occasionally writes (horribly) But yeah. alive and well, lots of things happened, but all is well (ish).
With the last chapter finally finished, I closed the book and peeked at my daughter to kiss her goodnight. It was 9 pm and I’m actually glad that I’m able to finish her bedtime story not later than that. Quite surprised that she didn’t interrupt me in the middle of the story like most nights, asking ‘Why did Thomas help his friends instead of doing his delivery that he was already late on?’ or something. Too quiet, if I must say so.
As proven a few moments later when I was about to open the door, she interrupts my movement. “Dad?” she softly calls out.
‘I was right, something’s off with her’ is what I had in mind. “Yes, sunshine? What is it?” I looked back at her to see her face. She was afraid of something, prompting me to go sit on a chair beside her bed. Too small for my comfort, but it’s hers anyway.
“Where do babies come from?” she asked whimpering. I wasn’t prepared for this question of all times, but maybe I should have. That’s what good parents do? They come prepared?
“What makes you ask that, dear?” I asked, hoping to know why she was fidgeting from the moment she asked the question.
“Well, It’s just that, my friends have little brothers and sisters in their mom’s belly, or they have little baby sister or bro. Or even older ones. I’m the only one who hasn’t got them. Why so?”
The question gets harder by the seconds.
Crud, I should have come prepared.
I looked at my daughter’s hand and I went to grab it with my own, playing with her small fingers while I tried to come up with a satisfying answer. Because I know I couldn’t just go on with grade 6 and 12 Biology answers.
Not yet, at least.
I looked at her eyes, “Sunshine, from what I can tell you now, your mom and I are only ready to welcome you to this world. We want to be absolutely sure that we can provide the best things in life for you.” I looked at her eyes again, confusion looming in them. “I know that it’s confusing, I will tell you the details later, when you are ready.”
‘When I’m ready too’ is left unsaid.
“But for now, what I’m trying to say is, your mom and I aren’t ready yet to have a little baby brother or sister for you. And this is a decision that a lot of people have failed to grasp. Which they end up fighting on for too long, or sometimes you see one if the parent left or is gone.”
When I saw her sad face, I realized I went too dark with this.
“And in life, people always want something that they don’t have, like you, for example, not having your Hot Wheels set in your bedroom…”
“I want to put my set in my bedroom!”
“Well, that’s not gonna happen in 300 years.” She followed with a pout. “You know your mom and I will get hurt if we step on it in the dark.”
“Maybe cause you all have weak feet,” followed with a laugh that I cherished.
I rub her head and continue, “And like me, a dad who can’t grow a beard…”
“But I like you without a beard and moustache,” she cuts me off again. “Beards make people scary.”
“Huh, maybe that’s not a bad thing after all.” I said while rubbing my chin with my other hand.
She laughed again and I couldn’t help but to let a little chuckle out as well. Though I gotta shush her cause she should be sleeping right now, or we’ll both get into trouble.
Correction: I will get into trouble.
I continued again, “And for both of us, not having a little brother or sister for you.”
Her face went serious again.
“But despite things that we don’t have, we also need to see what we do have. Like a proper house, meals 3 times a day, and especially having someone like your mom, who loves both of us, and surprisingly can live with our daily antics.”
She’s a good kid, it’s mostly my mishaps, but she’s my daughter too, so…
“And you, our daughter who is always curious, kind and open to us. Both of you mean so much to me and I wouldn’t have it in any other way.”
“Okay, dad, I’m not quite sure if you answered my question, but I’ll hold onto that.”
And a smart kid too.
“Well, it’s already late and both of us need to sleep. I believe that it’s a good enough answer for the time being, and you can always ask me again next time. Although if you ask me soon, the answer would probably be similar.”
“Why so?”
“It’s an age thing, you’ll know once you are older.” She followed again with a pout. I can’t help but smile and rub her head.
I let her get comfortable and gave her a goodnight kiss (again).
As I walked to the door and finally managed to reach it, I told her: “Good night, and sweet dreams, sunshine.”
To which she replied with: “Goodnight to you too, Dad.” I closed the door and walked to my own bed. The talk that I had with my daughter got me thinking of my own parents. Do they always wing parenting? Are people always winging parenting and hoping it was for the best for their kid(s)? I mean surely they can ask their parents for some tips on what to do, like what we always do to my dad and my in-laws.
But help is rarely there and maybe just like what I did, they just winged it and so it happens that it works.
Or maybe they just came more prepared.
Those questions woke me up in the middle of the night. Quite a weird dream to have when you are at the beginning of your twenties and nowhere near planning on creating a family. But it did and to be honest, I’m kinda used to having weird dreams that I don’t know why the fuck I’m dreaming that. I mean, dreaming about Kermit the frog would make more sense.
It’s still weird, but at least it won’t make me think that I can see the future or something.
And that is why I’m typing this at 2 am (and now almost 4), wondering about that dream. Does that mean something? Or should I just treat it like dreaming about Kermit? Continue to move on with my life?
