In med school, I quickly learned that medicine is not about being a hero. It was a humbling, but a nonetheless soothing realisation.
Then residency started, and I learned that I do feel like a hero from time to time, just not the way I imagined it to be. It's the little things, it's making a little kid feel safe, it's watching someone leave after the surgery with a smile and relief on their face, it's listening to a lonely, elderly person talk about their day.
And now I'm still in residency, but with more years and experience behind my back. And it turns out, doing medicine will sometimes make me feel like a hero just the way I imagined it, when I signed up for this shit. Unfortunately, it's still not what I expected...
Sometimes, saving a life is nothing special. It's just the ordinary everyday life, nothing sort of heroic. I know what to do: stop the bleeding, put in some fluids, give oxygen. Etc. It feels good, science is marvelous, and I'm still on cloud nine about the fact that this is my job. But it's just a job.
And then there are gruesome cases. You might even win a life, but at what cost? What for? Was it really worth it? The cost is usually not mine to pay... I have some very deep and probably unsettling thoughts on this topic, but it's not what prompted me to write this long as hell post, so I will not elaborate. I'm pretty sure we all know what I'm talking about, anyway.
And there are a few cases, a few patients, where you look at them and go, oh shit.
Time to go all in, and time to do it now, because if you hesitate even for just a moment, it's game over. And the whole damned shift is spent by their bedside, working along your team until you can't see straight, and you all put your whole chest into it. You are all bloody, the room looks like a battlefield, and there are suspicious stains on your socks.
Does the patient survive? Sometimes yes. More often, not. Maybe it's irrelevant. It's about giving your literal all, doing everything you can and beyond, because you see the slightest chance for survival.
Those are the moments that mostly stick with me. And maybe it's egotistical. Maybe it's delusional. But knowing that I was able to provide that small chance, that flicker of light to someone, makes me feel like it was all worth it. I love the quiet moments of comfort as well. But this? This makes my heart and soul light up.
It is about knowing we did everything. My hands are goddamn dirty, but my conscience is clear.
This post is long and cheesy: I am trying to start a tradition here. It's the end of the year, so why not reflect on the year behind us with a bit of overflowing emotions? If anyone else feels like joining in, I am offering the tag #the pink side - talk whatever you feel like rambling about :)
