Hansel here has wanted to be cooked up all his life, but he knows his worth. He knows that he deserves to be cooked alive, but unfortunately the only cannibals in the area were butchers. Sure, some pigs get turned on by the thought of being reduced to nothing but pork chops, burgers, sausages, and ground pork - I can see the appeal, and I’ve done it myself on occasion - but he’s totally right - he deserves to be the centrepiece at a meal, not treated like a common pig.
Luckily, Meat-up put us in contact with each other. I don’t have space at my place for another few weeks, but I’ll be roasting up a boy for Easter, and I’ve promised this porker that if he fattens up just right, I could throw a Cinco de Mayo party with him as the main course. I’ve been buying his food and monitoring his diet for a few months, and you can see how well he’s followed my instructions, and how excited he is to finally become longpork.
I’m thinking that I’ll take his limbs off first, though - after all, you don’t need your limbs to spitroast. His arms and legs will be turned into authentic Mexican cuisine from a real Mexican longpig - ground into chilli, chopped up into the filling for fajitas and burritos. Some will be mixed into the stuffing, and I know he’s looking forward to the attention from me and my guests, who’ll be feeding him his own meat. I’m sure he’ll enjoy it, and how many pigs get to know just how delicious they are before they roast?
Who knows - maybe this party’ll become an annual thing? I’m always looking for an excuse to throw a party, and a longpig always makes the best centrepiece.
