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What You Think You Know About the Male Refractory Period is Probably Wrong

The refractory period is usually defined as a phase following orgasm during which additional orgasms are impossible. Sexual arousal is often said to be very difficult during this time as well. The refractory period is usually discussed in relation to men; women are often said to have no such period, and this difference has been used to explain why women are more likely than men to have multiple orgasms. 

This narrative—while extraordinarily popular and pervasive in human sexuality textbooks and websites—might be incorrect, though. The truth of the matter is that we don’t actually know all that much about the refractory period—it’s a “shortcoming” in the sexuality literature, so to speak.

The standard refractory period narrative is one that comes from the pioneering research of William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s. However, in looking back at their work, it is apparent that their description of this phenomenon should be taken with a grain of salt. For example, in a recent review paper on the subject of the refractory period, Dr. Roy Levin observed the following: 

“It is interesting to note that Masters and Johnson, working in a period before evidence-based medicine, never published any experimental data or evidence to support the concept of the PERT [post-ejaculation refractory time] in men..Their statements that it occurred would now be designated as authority-based.” [1]

In other words, it’s time for us to revisit what we think we know about the refractory period. It’s possible that Masters and Johnson got it wrong. For one thing, perhaps the circumstances under which they observed human sexual behavior weren’t conducive to quantifying the male refractory period or studying male multiple orgasms. 

Just think about it: having sex in front of a group of scientists (even if the scientists are hiding behind one-way mirrors) probably creates a certain amount of performance pressure that could make it harder to, well, stay hard (or get hard again) after the first orgasm.

Anecdotally, I’ve spoken to several men who have described their sex lives to me in ways that have led me to believe there’s probably a lot more diversity in the male sexual response cycle than previously thought. For example, here are just a few of the many stories I’ve heard:

· A man who says it is very easy for him to reach orgasm, and to keep orgasming again and again with very little time in between. When he has an orgasm, he just wants to keep going and going—the only difficult thing for him is finding a partner who can keep up.

· A man who says that reaching orgasm is actually somewhat difficult. It takes a long time for him to get there—but once he orgasms, the floodgates open. He can stay aroused and reach orgasm over and over without a problem. 

· Multiple men have told me that they usually only have one orgasm—but under certain highly exciting conditions (such as having a new and extremely attractive partner or being part of a group sex situation), they don’t have a refractory period. They can stay aroused and have multiple orgasms in a short period of time in those situations. 

· Some men have also told me that they can pretty much always have multiple orgasms, but they decide in the moment how many they want to have based on situational or other factors (like how much time they have, how tired they are, what their partner wants, etc.).  

Of course, these are anecdotes—not data. So they don’t tell us how common any of these experiences are. Generally speaking, we just don’t know what percentage of men have non-existent or very short refractory periods. We also don’t know what percentage have long ones (I’ve certainly also heard from men whose refractory period might be better described in terms of days rather than seconds or minutes).  

So what accounts for all of this variability? It’s likely related to the brain chemicals that are released during orgasm. Although the neurobiology of the refractory period remains poorly understood, researchers have pointed to possible roles of the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin, as well as the hormones prolactin and oxytocin [1]. It’s possible that some men are releasing more or less of these brain chemicals, or that some men’s bodies are naturally more or less sensitive to them. In other words, maybe some men’s brains are just “wired” to have shorter vs. longer refractory periods.   

Given that the refractory period is thought to be under the control of neurotransmitters and hormones, some researchers are testing whether they can experimentally adjust the length of the refractory period by tinkering with levels of these brain chemicals [1]. With a better understanding of the neurobiology of the refractory period, it’s possible that scientists may one day develop a drug that eliminates the male refractory period altogether—and for men who currently have lengthy refractory periods, this could potentially allow them to have multiple orgasms back to back on demand. 

Interestingly, there is one widely available drug that some research already suggests can reduce refractory period length: sildenafil (i.e., Viagra) [2]. Theoretically, this makes sense—after all, this drug makes it easier to become and stay erect, so taking it could potentially reduce one barrier to having multiple orgasms. 

With all of that said, one thing about the refractory period is clear: the standard narrative probably isn’t true and the diversity of the male sexual response cycle is worthy of a lot more study.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Levin, R. J. (2009). Revisiting post-ejaculation refractory time—what we know and what we do not know in males and in females. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6(9), 2376-2389.

[2] Mondaini, N., Ponchietti, R., Muir, G. H., Montorsi, F., Di Loro, F., Lombardi, G., & Rizzo, M. (2003). Sildenafil does not improve sexual function in men without erectile dysfunction but does reduce the postorgasmic refractory time. International Journal of Impotence Research, 15(3), 225.

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Impurity Culture: Surviving Virginity

Hannah Boning

Maybe you grew up in purity culture. Even if you didn’t, you’ve probably encountered and have to live with its ideas about virginity. I want to unpack some of those things, and consider what’s true and what isn’t.

What is the big deal with virginity? I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately.

Evangelical purity culture centers it's whole self around virginity, but the wider culture seems pretty obsessed with virginity -- or the lack thereof -- too. The new Netflix show Sex Education has a few plotlines centering around teens who are either eager or anxious about losing their virginity. This season of The Bachelor is fixated on Colton, dubbed The First Virgin Bachelor. Almost any TV show or movie featuring young people and sex will mention or reference virginity.

Christianity places a strong emphasis on purity – hence, the term purity culture – a concept that revolves around remaining a virgin until (heterosexual, monogamous,) marriage, especially if you’re a woman. Church teachings about virginity manifest in a variety of ways, but the overall effect is generally to instill intense shame in those who didn't, aren’t, or might not remain, virgins.

Maybe you grew up in purity culture. Even if you didn’t, you’ve probably encountered and have to live with its ideas about virginity. I want to unpack some of those things, and consider what’s true and what isn’t.

Virginity & Ownership

Ideas about virginity are deeply linked to ownership. If you grew up Christian, you probably ran across one of the many Bible verses about virginity and ownership.

For example, if a man marries a woman and accuses her of not being a virgin, her parents are expected to provide evidence of her virginity, like with a set of bloody sheets (which were frequently faked, since most people don’t bleed with first intercourse in the first place) from her wedding night, apparently displaying that her hymen was intact until then –  something based in false information and belief about that anatomy. If a woman is raped, the Bible says her abuser has to marry her and pay her father for the price of her virginity (Deuteronomy 22:13-21). In this cultural economy where maintaining the family line was of utmost importance and marriage served as a way to solidify alliances and gain power, a woman’s virginity was a commodity. A woman’s purity was controlled and passed around like property, first in the hands of her father and then her husband.

Present-day purity culture movements hold to this concept, if in a less drastic form. The book And the Bride Wore White by Dannah Gresh asks women to evaluate their sexual purity and to answer this question (for real): are you a disposable Styrofoam cup, an easily replaceable mug, or a priceless china teacup? Other books and ministries speak of virginity as the greatest treasure a wife can give to her husband and insinuate that men will not find you attractive as a spouse if you’re not a virgin, because you’ve already given away their big prize. Focus on the Family recommends that girls write letters pledging their abstinence to their future husbands and that families celebrate the anniversary of a daughter’s purity pledge with a gift or getaway – basically assigning monetary value to her virginity.

Exposed to these ideas, you start to believe that your worth as a person is absolutely linked to your status as a virgin.

If you’re a woman, purity culture teaches that your body does not belong to you, but to your spouse. You might focus on “protecting” your virginity, so that on your wedding day, you can give your husband the gift of your untouched body. Not only does this tend to cut you off from your own body, and your sense of desire and pleasure, but the idea that virginity is owed to your spouse continues to develop into the idea that sex is also owed to your spouse. Many evangelical teachers urge women to submit to their husbands - when it comes to decisions, authority, and sex, a woman is expected to be submissive and allow her husband to have the final say. What this means is that if your husband wants sex, you are always supposed to supply it. This creates an environment that enables, allows and permits abuse, and this is why some people refuse to acknowledge that marital rape is rape. If a wife’s body belongs to her husband, her consent doesn’t matter.

The Virgin & The Whore

Christianity has two primary sexual tropes for women: the virgin and the whore. The virgin, of course, is the ideal woman – pure, chaste, gentle, meek, mild, all that. The Virgin Mary is often held up as the epitome of feminine perfection, and girls need to live up to that standard. Never mind that it’s impossible to be both a virgin and pregnant – Mary somehow managed to be the mother of God and also maintain her purity. Meanwhile, the whore is used to personify sin and ignorance. The book of Proverbs contrasts two figures, Woman Wisdom and another woman, sometimes called Madame Folly or the Foolish Woman. She is described as the adulterous woman whose steps lead straight to death (Proverbs 5). So basically, purity = wisdom; sex = death. That’ll give you a bit of a skewed view of sexuality.

The Problem with “Virginity”

What even is virginity anyway? You probably already know that the most common definition of a virgin is someone who, if they have a penis, has not had their penis inside a vagina or who, if they have a vagina, has not had a penis inside their vagina. That’s a very, very narrow conception of sex. It isn’t even always about sex in the first place: sometimes those kinds of experiences aren’t sex for people, but abuse or assault.

When you start to expand your ideas about sex so that they are more reflective of everyone’s lived experience, the notion of virginity starts to fall apart fast. Are you still a virgin if you’ve given oral? What about if you’ve received it? What about hands? Toys? What about if you weren’t even given a choice about sexual activity, but were sexually assaulted? Where and how do you draw the line between being a virgin and not being a virgin?

Where does this all leave you if you grew up in — or are still in — purity culture?

Purity culture values virginity above all, and is very effective at instilling shame and guilt, so if you aren’t a virgin anymore, it’s easy to feel ashamed and guilty. Purity culture essentially teaches that sex is bad, and then when you get married you’re expected to suddenly be able to have great, mind-blowing sex. It’s not that easy to flip that switch, because the guilt and shame associated with sex is so deeply ingrained in your body and mind. I have friends who did what the church told them to do – waited until marriage – and then struggled with intimacy. People have come to Scarleteen over the years asking for help with these kinds of struggles, too.

It’s hard to create a healthy sex life if you’ve spent your entire life trying to avoid sexual activity, desires, or even just thoughts. Even if you’ve rejected the beliefs of purity culture, developed a sex-positive theology, and willingly decided to have sex – you might find yourself feeling ashamed. Even if you didn’t grow up in purity culture, it’s possible that you’ve encountered — and internalized — the idea that sex is dirty or shameful.

That shame is a tough thing to reckon with.

Even if you’ve changed your thoughts and beliefs, the thing about shame is it really lives inside your body. It takes time to intellectually, emotionally and physically unlearn the physical feelings of guilt and shame that have lodged themselves deeply in you. If you feel this way – please, know you’re not alone. And you don’t have to be alone. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and why. Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who has training and education in helping patients process and unlearn sexual shame.

Maybe you need to take it slow. You can spend time masturbating and getting to know your body, and may even only do that for a few years before you branch out with partners.

Remind yourself your body is not bad, it’s good. What makes you feel safe and at home in your body? Is it lazy mornings with coffee, or a long run? A hot bath? Yoga? Growing up evangelical, you’re taught to ignore your body: it takes time to learn how to trust yourself and your instincts, and to acknowledge and appreciate your body. Find some ways to feel connected and present in your body that aren’t especially sexual, and then start working on taking that presence and connectedness into sex.

I also personally prefer to speak in terms of being sexually active or not, as opposed to being a virgin. Virginity generally only focuses on penis-in-vagina intercourse, and also usually without any mention of consent; sexual activity encompasses the much wider spectrum of sexual expression and incorporates agency into the mix, too. When it comes to sexual activity, you choose what acts you participate in - or don’t participate in - at your own pace. Being sexually active is also about more than just which body parts come into contact with other body parts. Virginity usually boils sexuality down to simply physical contact, but sexuality also includes things like feelings, thoughts, societal norms and expectations, social experiences and spiritual beliefs.

If you're in a relationship where sex is expected and demanded, without regard for consent – please, do whatever you can to get out. If you’re in a relationship where your sexual choices are regulated - if your partner demands virginity from you, or tells you that you aren’t allowed to masturbate - that’s not a relationship where your needs and desires are respected. Know that you should expect and deserve a sexual relationship that is centered on mutual and shared respect and consent. Even if you’re in a healthy relationship, however, sometimes the idea you owe a partner sex is a hard one to shake. I’m in a wonderful relationship filled with care and respect. My girlfriend has never demanded or expected sex, or expressed upset if I wasn’t in the mood. But I still feel a sense of guilt if she’s trying to initiate intimacy and I’m not interested.

How do you unlearn this idea that sex is something you owe to one another?

One thing I’ve found helpful for myself is to imagine if the situation were reversed. If I wanted to hook up and my partner wasn’t feeling it, would I be upset? Would I feel she wasn’t giving me something she owed me? Of course not. I would never want my partner to have sex with me out of a sense of obligation or duty. That’s not respecting their pleasure, their desires, their body or their autonomy. If this is how I would feel and behave if my partner didn’t want to hook up, chances are my partner feels the same way when I don’t want to hook up.

So, what’s the big deal with virginity? It shouldn’t be a big deal, but society has built up all sorts of expectations and ideas around virginity. Notions of virginity usually involve misogyny, sexism and double standards - women are often shamed if they aren’t virgins, while men are shamed if they are. The language around virginity - protecting, saving, giving - speaks of virginity, sex and, usually, women, as commodities. But people’s selves, bodies and sexualities aren’t property. Instead of a sexual ethic that declares all premarital sex to be bad, and women, sex or bodies as capital, we should develop a sexual ethic that is centered around respect, consent, and pleasure for everyone.

Take the time to unlearn some of those ideas, educate yourself, and decide for yourself how you feel about virginity and what your boundaries are. Here are some places right here at Scarleteen to start learning about what sex and sexuality actually are, instead of what purity culture claims:

Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

What’s Sex?

20 Questions about Virginity

Undoing Sexual Shame

Navigating Consent

First Intercourse 101

How to Understand, Identify, and Make Choices About Desire

You shouldn’t feel pressured not to be sexual, just like you shouldn’t feel pressure to be sexual. If you’re ready  and want to engage in respectful, consensual sexual activity, you get to make that decision, and you also deserve to feel good about it and to be supported in it. If you’re not ready for sexual activity, you get to make that decision, and you deserve to feel good about, and should be supported in, that choice, too.

Growing up in a society that teaches you these ideas about virginity and sex is hard, and painful, and damaging. If you’re hurting, if you’re confused, if you’re wondering how you can recover - know you’re not alone. There are a lot of us who have been hurt, and a lot of us who have found a way to heal. I can’t tell you it’s going to be easy or fast, but we’re here with you and you can get there.

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How The Pandemic Has Affected Interest In Threesomes And Sex Parties

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected our sexual interests and behaviors in many ways, which I’ve covered extensively on the blog (see here for a recap). But something that hasn’t really been explored yet is how interest in threesomes and group sex have changed. How do people feel about multi-partner activities in a time of social distancing?

During the pandemic, sex clubs and parties (places where group activities often take place) were largely shut down. Thus, people’s opportunities for threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes were quite limited. So did this create some pent-up interest? For many, it has.  

At the Kinsey Institute, in partnership with Lovehoney, we conducted a demographically representative survey of 2,000 Americans over the summer of 2021 to explore how people’s sexual attitudes and behaviors have evolved during the pandemic. 

One of the specific things we asked about was interest in threesomes and sex parties—and whether people are now more or less interested in these experiences. When it came to having a threesome, here’s what we found:

· 23% of Americans said they are more interested in having a threesome now than they were before the pandemic

· 29% said their interest in threesomes hasn’t changed

· 48% said they’re less interested in threesomes now

When it came to attending a sex party, the numbers were similar:

· 20% of Americans said they are more interested in attending a sex party now than they were before the pandemic

· 25% said their interest in sex parties hasn’t changed

· 55% said they’re less interested in attending a sex party now 

That said, it’s important to note that interest level varies according to several demographic factors, including age, gender, and sexual orientation. 

For example, whereas 19% of 18-24 year-olds say they’re more interested in having a threesome now, the number jumps to 27% for those in their 30s and 40s. Likewise, whereas 13% of women say they’re more interested in having a threesome, the number for men is 33% (non-binary folks are in between at 18%). Among LGBTQ+ folks, 26% are more interested in having a threesome compared to 22% of heterosexual adults. 

While more Americans say their interest in threesomes and sex parties has decreased rather than increased, the proportion saying their interest has increased is significant because most Americans have never done either of these things before. 

For example, data from a nationally representative survey conducted before the pandemic found that 18% of men and 10% of women had a threesome before, while just 6% of men and 5% of women had been to a sex party. 

So based on the numbers reporting increased interest now, we might very well see a rise in participation going forward. Data from online dating apps supports this idea. For example, Feeld (an app that caters to open-minded singles and couples) told me that threesomes have become the top desire for people using the app. 

Specifically, they said they’ve seen a 670% increase among singles reporting a threesome as their top desire. Likewise, among couples, there has been a 50% increase in seeking threesomes since 2020.

If you’re among those who are now more interested in threesomes, a question you might be wondering is how to make one happen. I get asked this a lot! So here are some things to think about:

Start by doing a little research. In my own work, I’ve seen people report a wide range of experiences with threesomes. For some, they’re great—for others, not so much. But a big part of the reason some people have less than ideal experiences is because they didn’t know how to navigate the situation. After all, this isn’t something that’s covered in sex ed! 

So you might check out a book like The Ethical Slut, which can offer some ideas on things to think about and how to determine whether threesomes and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are right for you. You’ll also learn how to communicate about boundaries with your partners, which is important for everyone—but especially when you’re going into a threesome with a romantic partner in order to prevent jealousy and other negative feelings from arising.

You might also consider a virtual threeway as a starting point to test the waters. See here for a handy guide I wrote on this subject. The virtual approach has the advantage of encouraging more communication among participants—and good sex (whether with two or more people and whether it’s online or offline) is all about the communication!

Lastly, when it comes to finding like-minded others, this is where technology can be your friend. Apps like Feeld can help you to identify people who share this interest, which can make it much easier to get the conversation started. Just introducing the idea is one of the biggest obstacles for many people, so if you can join a community where others share your interests and talking about these things is normalized, that can remove a lot of the anxiety and uncertainty.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

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When Disgust Becomes a Sexual Turn-On

“I felt disgusted, but also very satisfied.”  

I just heard this line on an NPR podcast that had absolutely nothing to do with sex—but it really got me thinking because I’ve heard people say similar things about sex on several occasions. Specifically, they fantasized about or performed a sex act that definitely triggered feelings of disgust, but that also simultaneously turned them on.

To many, this might sound paradoxical. After all, disgust is an emotion that usually leads us to avoid something, right? So why does disgust sometimes produce the opposite effect in which we are attracted rather than repelled? 

In thinking about this, my brain went to a lot of places—so many, in fact, that I turned off that podcast and just started writing this!

The first thing that comes to mind is that we’ve long known that there is a link between sexual arousal and disgust. Specifically, sexual arousal can reduce disgust, but disgust can also reduce sexual arousal.  

For example, as I’ve written before on the blog, our disgust response tends to go down when we’re sexually aroused (see here and here). In other words, things that we might normally find to be gross become less so when we’re already turned on. This makes sense from the standpoint that sex itself can be kind of messy when we’re exchanging body fluids and so forth, so maybe it’s adaptive for us to be less triggered by disgust when we’re having sex.

But at the same time, if you’re already grossed out about something, it can be harder to get in the mood for sex. Evolutionary psychologists think this is about pathogen avoidance: specifically, if a disgust response is triggered, it should lead us to avoid sex in the interest of protecting our health and fertility (e.g., avoiding potential STDs).

While fascinating, neither of these lines of research really tell us why disgust itself sometimes becomes a turn-on. So what’s up with that? I can think of at least three possible explanations.

It might be a learned behavior

As I mentioned above, we know that disgust tends to go down to some degree when we’re aroused—but after we orgasm, that disgust response can come back pretty quickly. I mean, that’s part of the reason why people are often so quick to turn off porn after they’ve orgasmed. They start to feel grossed out by what they’re watching.

So maybe it’s the case that if your disgust response comes back really quickly while you’re still experiencing the pleasure of orgasm that some people start to learn an association between disgust and sexual pleasure. 

You can think of this as a conditioning effect: feeling disgusted itself can potentially become rewarding if it’s repeatedly paired with something pleasurable and positive.    

It might be more about the appeal of the taboo than anything

Another possible explanation is that disgusting things are also often taboo. We’ve all been told not to do gross things at one time or another. But when you tell people not to do something, that sometimes makes them want to do it even more.

This is a fundamental principle of human sexuality known as the Erotic Equation: attraction + obstacles = excitement. So if you have even a slight inkling to do something disgusting, being told not to do it can increase your interest in it.  

As I’ve found in my own research, taboos are one of the most popular themes in our sexual fantasies. So this might not be so much about the fact that something is disgusting; rather it might be more about the fact that it’s taboo.

Sexual taboos might also be especially appealing to people high in sensation seeking tendencies, who need more potent stimuli in order to get aroused in the first place. For them, doing something taboo amps up the excitement factor.

It might be about attraction to power play

Yet another possibility is that doing something disgusting—or being made to do something disgusting by a partner—can be a form of submission, masochism, and/or humiliation. 

Think of it this way: there can be a certain pain that accompanies doing something disgusting. But if you’re turned on by pain, then doing something disgusting can potentially become sexually arousing in and of itself.

So through this lens, disgusting sexual acts might sometimes be a vehicle for enacting fantasies or desires about BDSM or power play.

Takeaways

These are just the thoughts that come to mind off the top of my head, so it could be that there are other explanations I’m not thinking of. It’s also potentially the case that there could be more than one explanation and that disgust might become sexually arousing to different people for different reasons.  

As I often like to say, human sexuality is complex! And adding further complexity to this is that disgust in general is a little different for everyone. For some, disgust is easily triggered across situations (they have what we call high trait-level disgust); for others, their threshold for disgust is much higher.

That said, I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this. Have you ever been turned on by something that you also found to be disgusting? What is it about that disgusting thing that is/was arousing to you? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

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What To Do When You And Your Partner Want Different Amounts Of Sex

In long-term relationships, partners’ sex drives are bound to get out of sync from time to time. That’s normal and not a cause for concern unless it becomes a persistent issue that starts putting significant stress and strain on the relationship. When this happens, it’s known as a sexual desire discrepancy.

Desire discrepancies are common. For instance, a nationally representative British sex survey found that about 1 in 4 adults in relationships reported experiencing this issue in the past year alone.  

So what can you do if you’re in a sexual relationship where you and your partner want drastically different amounts or types of sex?

I spoke with Drs. Lori Brotto and Kristen Mark about this subject on recent episodes of the Sex and Psychology Podcast. Both of them are experts in the area of sexual desire. Here are some of the key things they told me:

As a starting point, look at this as a couple issue rather than a problem specific to one partner. When partners start blaming and shaming one another for wanting “too much” or “not enough” sex, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. In other words, think of this as a relationship issue that you need to address together—don’t go it alone (in fact, Kristen’s research finds that couple-focused strategies are far more successful than individual strategies).

Next, identify any potential health issues or stressors that might be tamping down desire, such as chronic fatigue or bringing a new baby into the picture. Sometimes people need to address those issues before addressing their sexual issues because they may be inextricably linked. In other words, there might be value in speaking with your doctor, re-evaluating your work-life balance, or otherwise getting a handle on the factors that might be affecting your libido before anything else. 

From there, communication is key. Our partners don’t necessarily always know what we like and want—so if we expect them to be mind-readers, they’re going to get it wrong sometimes. And sometimes that’s the thing that puts a damper on desire: our partners aren’t giving us what we want because we haven’t told them what we want.

So in some cases, partners need to spend time sharing their desires and teaching each other what does and doesn’t feel good. It’s normal to not want sex that isn’t meeting your needs—but if you can improve the quality of the sex you’re having, that can help stimulate desire for more. 

As you communicate about this, do so in a healthy and productive way. For instance, if you’re feeling sexually frustrated, being confrontational with your partner can ultimately make things worse. You might end up pushing your partner further away and, in the process, making the desire discrepancy even bigger. In short, be careful not to escalate the conflict.

Something else that can help is scheduling sex or having regular date nights. I know planned sex doesn’t sound sexy to everyone because many of us think that sex is “supposed” to be spontaneous. However, planned sex has some advantages over spontaneity. For one thing, you have time for anticipation (and arousal) to build. For another, you have time to get in the right headspace so that you can fully enjoy yourself. When sex is on the schedule, we can plan the rest of our lives around it so that we have less interference and fewer distractions. 

Planned sex also affords the opportunity to build your partner’s arousal. You can flirt for hours—maybe even days—in advance. This can help increase the odds that you’ll both be in the mood when the time comes.

While sexual desire discrepancies are common and may, at times, feel hopeless, it should be reassuring to know that there is a lot you can to do manage these situations in healthy and satisfying ways.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

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The Price of Sex in Amsterdam

One of the topics that we explore extensively in my sex and culture course in Amsterdam is sex work. As part of this course, I give my students the opportunity to speak with current and former sex workers about their experiences in the industry and, not surprisingly, one of the topics that always comes up is money. 

What exactly is the price of sex in Amsterdam?

Before we answer that, it’s worth noting that prostitution is legal and government regulated in the Netherlands. However, this isn’t to say that all sex work that occurs in the Netherlands is legal. In order for it to be legal, it must operate within the confines of the law.  

So, for example, someone running a brothel would need to secure the necessary license/permit from the government, pay taxes, and comply with all regulations. In other words, there are a lot of hoops to jump through—and, as a result, this had led to the emergence of a sex work shadow industry that operates outside of the law. In fact, some believe that this shadow industry is many times larger than the legalized industry.

How things work in the shadow industry in terms of pricing, we don’t really have a good sense of. So what we’re talking about in this post is sex work that occurs within the legal framework in the Netherlands. 

Based on what several workers have told me, there seems to be a pretty standard going rate in the Red Light District, where (usually) scantily clad workers stand behind floor-to-ceiling windows and beckon potential customers as they walk by. That rate is 50 Euro (or about $60 USD) for 15-20 minutes. However, this only applies to what many workers refer to as “basic sex” (their phrase, not mine), meaning penis-in-vagina intercourse.

Of course, you can negotiate to do more or to stay longer, but only if you’re willing to pay extra. So, for example, if you have kinks or fetishes, you want kissing, you have a spouse/partner who wants to watch or participate, or you want something else beyond intercourse, that’s all individually negotiated and added to the price. However, workers have the freedom to decide whether they want to indulge your requests, and most workers I’ve spoken with have said they have firm limits on what they will and won’t do (for example, ‘no anal’ is the most common limit I’ve heard). So it’s not the case that money can buy whatever you want.

Pricing works differently outside of the Red Light District—and it really depends on the venue in which sex is being sold. For example, I spoke with a woman who formerly worked in a high-end gentleman’s club in a residential area outside the city center. The price there is 300 Euro per hour ($350-360 USD) with a one-hour minimum. And, again, that’s the price for “basic” sex—anything beyond that costs extra.  

At these clubs, the men usually stay for a few hours because they’re looking for more than just sex—they’re looking for conversation and connection as well (or “the girlfriend experience,” as some call it). And depending how long they stay, how many bottles of champagne they buy, and what they want, they may very well end up paying thousands of Euros for an evening. 

That said, it’s important to note that the workers aren’t taking home as much of that money as you think. For window workers (who are independent contractors) the cost of renting a window in the most desirable area during peak hours can cost as much as 150 Euro (approximately $175 USD). Thus, a worker would need to see three clients per shift just to pay for the space. Even then, however, she’d be losing money because this isn’t tax-free income. 

To pay the window fee, account for taxes, and make a solid income, you’d probably need to see 6-10 clients per shift if you were a window worker.

By contrast, if you’re working in a high-end gentleman’s club, you split your hourly earnings with the club. However, you can make a solid income in this setting by seeing just one client per shift if you can get them to stick around for multiple hours and upsell them on extras (for example, workers get a commission on champagne purchases).   

I should clarify that everything mentioned above applies to women selling sex to men because women are the most common sellers and men are the most common buyers in Amsterdam (in fact, there are no men who work behind the windows and, from what I understand, there’s only one brothel with male workers). I’d be curious to know how rates vary when workers are men or trans, but thus far, the only sex workers I’ve met in Amsterdam are cisgender women. 

So there’s your inside look at how sex work ‘works’ in regulated settings in Amsterdam. What do you think? Are the numbers about what you expected or do they surprise you?

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Image Source: Photo by Miltiadis Fragkidis on Unsplash

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Why Dutch Teens Have Better Sexual Health Than American Teens

In my study abroad course on sex and culture in the Netherlands, one of the things we have been discussing is cross-cultural differences in sexual health and sex education. Teens’ sexual health outcomes are dramatically different in the Netherlands compared to the United States, as you can see in the infographic below. Check out the stats and then keep reading to learn why.

Teen girls in the U.S. have a pregnancy rate that’s nearly four times higher and an abortion rate that’s about twice as high as Dutch girls of the same age [1]. Though not depicted in the infographic above, Dutch girls (and boys) have far lower rates of STIs, too [2]. So what accounts for why teens in the Netherlands seem to fare so much better in terms of their sexual health?

Well, it’s not just one thing—the entire cultural view of sex is different in the Netherlands. First, the Dutch have mandated comprehensive sex education for all students. Schools get to choose the material they want to cover, which means that not all Dutch teens are learning the same thing—and some schools certainly do a better job than others. However, when you look at the most popular program (Long Live Love), which is used in more than half of all Dutch schools, what you’ll see is a great model of what comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education looks like. Students don’t just learn how to protect their sexual health—they also receive education on pleasure, healthy dating and relationships, obtaining consent, communicating what you want, and so much more.

By contrast, there is no federal mandate for sex ed in the US, and there are currently 20 states in which it is not required by state law. In states where sex ed is required, programs typically stress abstinence and focus on teaching students about the negative outcomes that will occur if they have sex. Further, only a handful of states require that any sex education provided be medically accurate. Some states go further, even placing restrictions on what sex educators can and can’t discuss. For example, some states explicitly prohibit discussion of sexual orientation. The end result? Far too many American students aren’t really being taught useful or accurate information.

Differences in sex education are just one part of the equation here, though. It’s also important to note that, in Dutch culture (compared to American culture), sex is more likely to be viewed as a normal part of adolescent development. Also, Dutch parents and healthcare providers tend to speak more candidly with teens about sex, and free or low-cost contraception is more widely available. If the Dutch are anything, they are pragmatic—they recognize that teens will have sex whether we like it or not and therefore take steps to reduce any potential harm/risk. Given all of this, it shouldn't be surprising that Dutch teens use condoms and contraceptives far more reliably than their American counterparts [2].

Of course, I want to be careful not to paint the Netherlands as this utopia for sex education and sexual health. Teen pregnancies and STIs certainly still exist there (albeit at much lower rates) and not all Dutch teens receive high quality sex ed. Likewise, some American teens receive great sex ed, and sexual health outcomes for teens can vary widely from state to state. In both countries, there is individual (and regional) variability. Overall, however, there are large differences on average.

What all of this tells us is that if we want to enhance the sexual health of adolescents in the U.S., we have our work cut out for us. Yes, we need to change our approach to school-based sex education, but that alone isn't enough. We also need to change the way Americans think about teenage sex, which means moving away from the view that it's always a problem and toward the view that it can potentially be a part of normal and healthy development. It also means changing the climate of shame that stifles open dialogue about sex and promoting positive sexual communication skills for parents and teenagers alike.

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Sedgh, G., Finer, L. B., Bankole, A., Eilers, M. A., & Singh, S. (2015). Adolescent pregnancy, birth, and abortion rates across countries: Levels and recent trends. Journal of Adolescent Health, 56(2), 223-230.

[2] Alford, S., & Hauser, D. (2011). Adolescent sexual health in Europe and the US. 

Image Source: 123RF/Mirko Vitali

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Sex Work and Mental Health In Cultures Where Prostitution Is Legal

Today in my study abroad course on sex and culture in the Netherlands, we're focusing on sex work, particularly the link between sex work and mental health. 

Many studies have been conducted on the mental health of people (mostly women) who sell sex for a living. Most of this research has found that sex workers experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD than the rest of the population. However, virtually of all of this research is based on studies of sex workers who live in countries where prostitution is illegal.

So what about places, such as the Netherlands, where sex work is permitted under the law? Do sex workers tend to have better mental health outcomes in these cultures? Research suggests that they do, but that working conditions matter a lot [1,2].

Women who work the streets, even in cultures where sex work is legal, experience high rates of mental health problems. This is due to the fact that those who work the streets tend to be in more dire financial situations (meaning they often enter prostitution as an option of last resort). They are also more likely to enter the profession to support drug habits and are at much higher risk of sexual violence due to the nature of this working environment.

By contrast, those who work in private studios tend to be much better off. In fact, in places where sex work is legal, sex workers’ rates of mental health disorders are no different from women in the general population [1]. Studios offer more protection from sexual violence and reduce the risk of sex workers being taken advantage of. For example, panic buttons are often installed in these rooms. Plus, others are often nearby to provide security and oversight. Those who work in studios (compared to those who work the streets) are far more likely to voluntarily enter the profession and to say they enjoy their work. 

What all of this tells us is that it's not necessarily the case that all sex workers are better off in cultures where prostitution is legal because working conditions and motivations for entering the job matter. They matter a lot. However, these results tell us that sex work is not inherently traumatizing. Many sex workers do enjoy their jobs and their mental health does not necessarily suffer because of it; however, this scenario is far more likely to be observed in places where sex work is legal than it is in countries where it's illegal. 

To get an inside perspective about what it's like to be a sex worker in the Netherlands, my students and I are sitting down today with a Dutch sex worker at the Prostitution Information Center (PIC) for a seminar and Q&A (side note: the PIC is an organization dedicated to educating the public about the realities of prostitution--in other words, they're ambassadors for sex work). If you're ever in Amsterdam, I highly recommend stopping by the PIC and taking one of their tours because you'll get information that you just won't get anywhere else. 

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Rössler, W., Koch, U., Lauber, C., Hass, A. K., Altwegg, M., Ajdacic‐Gross, V., & Landolt, K. (2010). The mental health of female sex workers. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, 122(2), 143-152.

[2] Krumrei-Mancuso, E. J. (2017). Sex work and mental health: a study of women in the Netherlands. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(6), 1843-1856.

Image Source: 123RF/Josep Curto

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