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How The Pandemic Has Affected Interest In Threesomes And Sex Parties

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected our sexual interests and behaviors in many ways, which I’ve covered extensively on the blog (see here for a recap). But something that hasn’t really been explored yet is how interest in threesomes and group sex have changed. How do people feel about multi-partner activities in a time of social distancing?

During the pandemic, sex clubs and parties (places where group activities often take place) were largely shut down. Thus, people’s opportunities for threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes were quite limited. So did this create some pent-up interest? For many, it has.

At the Kinsey Institute, in partnership with Lovehoney, we conducted a demographically representative survey of 2,000 Americans over the summer of 2021 to explore how people’s sexual attitudes and behaviors have evolved during the pandemic.

One of the specific things we asked about was interest in threesomes and sex parties—and whether people are now more or less interested in these experiences. When it came to having a threesome, here’s what we found:

· 23% of Americans said they are more interested in having a threesome now than they were before the pandemic

· 29% said their interest in threesomes hasn’t changed

· 48% said they’re less interested in threesomes now

When it came to attending a sex party, the numbers were similar:

· 20% of Americans said they are more interested in attending a sex party now than they were before the pandemic

· 25% said their interest in sex parties hasn’t changed

· 55% said they’re less interested in attending a sex party now

That said, it’s important to note that interest level varies according to several demographic factors, including age, gender, and sexual orientation.

For example, whereas 19% of 18-24 year-olds say they’re more interested in having a threesome now, the number jumps to 27% for those in their 30s and 40s. Likewise, whereas 13% of women say they’re more interested in having a threesome, the number for men is 33% (non-binary folks are in between at 18%). Among LGBTQ+ folks, 26% are more interested in having a threesome compared to 22% of heterosexual adults.

While more Americans say their interest in threesomes and sex parties has decreased rather than increased, the proportion saying their interest has increased is significant because most Americans have never done either of these things before.

For example, data from a nationally representative survey conducted before the pandemic found that 18% of men and 10% of women had a threesome before, while just 6% of men and 5% of women had been to a sex party.

So based on the numbers reporting increased interest now, we might very well see a rise in participation going forward. Data from online dating apps supports this idea. For example, Feeld (an app that caters to open-minded singles and couples) told me that threesomes have become the top desire for people using the app.

Specifically, they said they’ve seen a 670% increase among singles reporting a threesome as their top desire. Likewise, among couples, there has been a 50% increase in seeking threesomes since 2020.

If you’re among those who are now more interested in threesomes, a question you might be wondering is how to make one happen. I get asked this a lot! So here are some things to think about:

Start by doing a little research. In my own work, I’ve seen people report a wide range of experiences with threesomes. For some, they’re great—for others, not so much. But a big part of the reason some people have less than ideal experiences is because they didn’t know how to navigate the situation. After all, this isn’t something that’s covered in sex ed!

So you might check out a book like The Ethical Slut, which can offer some ideas on things to think about and how to determine whether threesomes and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are right for you. You’ll also learn how to communicate about boundaries with your partners, which is important for everyone—but especially when you’re going into a threesome with a romantic partner in order to prevent jealousy and other negative feelings from arising.

You might also consider a virtual threeway as a starting point to test the waters. See here for a handy guide I wrote on this subject. The virtual approach has the advantage of encouraging more communication among participants—and good sex (whether with two or more people and whether it’s online or offline) is all about the communication!

Lastly, when it comes to finding like-minded others, this is where technology can be your friend. Apps like Feeld can help you to identify people who share this interest, which can make it much easier to get the conversation started. Just introducing the idea is one of the biggest obstacles for many people, so if you can join a community where others share your interests and talking about these things is normalized, that can remove a lot of the anxiety and uncertainty.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

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Why Noisy Sex Is Often Better Sex

What does it sound like when you have sex? Is there any dirty talk? What about panting, moaning, and/or grunting? While people vary in their personal preferences for erotic sounds (both hearing them and making them), research shows that, on average, people tend to find noisier sex to be more arousing.

Noise is often part of our sexual fantasies, too. In fact, in the survey of more than 4,000 Americans’ sex fantasies that formed the basis for my book Tell Me What You Want, I found that 9 in 10 people reported having fantasies that involved dirty talk.

So how can dirty talk and other erotic noises enhance sex? Check out the video below to learn more about what research in this area has found.

Watch more videos on sex and relationships here.

Image Source: Unsplash/Emiliano Vittoriosi

Video Created by: Katie Adams

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When Disgust Becomes a Sexual Turn-On

“I felt disgusted, but also very satisfied.”

I just heard this line on an NPR podcast that had absolutely nothing to do with sex—but it really got me thinking because I’ve heard people say similar things about sex on several occasions. Specifically, they fantasized about or performed a sex act that definitely triggered feelings of disgust, but that also simultaneously turned them on.

To many, this might sound paradoxical. After all, disgust is an emotion that usually leads us to avoid something, right? So why does disgust sometimes produce the opposite effect in which we are attracted rather than repelled?

In thinking about this, my brain went to a lot of places—so many, in fact, that I turned off that podcast and just started writing this!

The first thing that comes to mind is that we’ve long known that there is a link between sexual arousal and disgust. Specifically, sexual arousal can reduce disgust, but disgust can also reduce sexual arousal.

For example, as I’ve written before on the blog, our disgust response tends to go down when we’re sexually aroused (see here and here). In other words, things that we might normally find to be gross become less so when we’re already turned on. This makes sense from the standpoint that sex itself can be kind of messy when we’re exchanging body fluids and so forth, so maybe it’s adaptive for us to be less triggered by disgust when we’re having sex.

But at the same time, if you’re already grossed out about something, it can be harder to get in the mood for sex. Evolutionary psychologists think this is about pathogen avoidance: specifically, if a disgust response is triggered, it should lead us to avoid sex in the interest of protecting our health and fertility (e.g., avoiding potential STDs).

While fascinating, neither of these lines of research really tell us why disgust itself sometimes becomes a turn-on. So what’s up with that? I can think of at least three possible explanations.

It might be a learned behavior

As I mentioned above, we know that disgust tends to go down to some degree when we’re aroused—but after we orgasm, that disgust response can come back pretty quickly. I mean, that’s part of the reason why people are often so quick to turn off porn after they’ve orgasmed. They start to feel grossed out by what they’re watching.

So maybe it’s the case that if your disgust response comes back really quickly while you’re still experiencing the pleasure of orgasm that some people start to learn an association between disgust and sexual pleasure.

You can think of this as a conditioning effect: feeling disgusted itself can potentially become rewarding if it’s repeatedly paired with something pleasurable and positive.

It might be more about the appeal of the taboo than anything

Another possible explanation is that disgusting things are also often taboo. We’ve all been told not to do gross things at one time or another. But when you tell people not to do something, that sometimes makes them want to do it even more.

This is a fundamental principle of human sexuality known as the Erotic Equation: attraction + obstacles = excitement. So if you have even a slight inkling to do something disgusting, being told not to do it can increase your interest in it.

As I’ve found in my own research, taboos are one of the most popular themes in our sexual fantasies. So this might not be so much about the fact that something is disgusting; rather it might be more about the fact that it’s taboo.

Sexual taboos might also be especially appealing to people high in sensation seeking tendencies, who need more potent stimuli in order to get aroused in the first place. For them, doing something taboo amps up the excitement factor.

It might be about attraction to power play

Yet another possibility is that doing something disgusting—or being made to do something disgusting by a partner—can be a form of submission, masochism, and/or humiliation.

Think of it this way: there can be a certain pain that accompanies doing something disgusting. But if you’re turned on by pain, then doing something disgusting can potentially become sexually arousing in and of itself.

So through this lens, disgusting sexual acts might sometimes be a vehicle for enacting fantasies or desires about BDSM or power play.

Takeaways

These are just the thoughts that come to mind off the top of my head, so it could be that there are other explanations I’m not thinking of. It’s also potentially the case that there could be more than one explanation and that disgust might become sexually arousing to different people for different reasons.

As I often like to say, human sexuality is complex! And adding further complexity to this is that disgust in general is a little different for everyone. For some, disgust is easily triggered across situations (they have what we call high trait-level disgust); for others, their threshold for disgust is much higher.

That said, I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this. Have you ever been turned on by something that you also found to be disgusting? What is it about that disgusting thing that is/was arousing to you? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

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What To Do When You And Your Partner Want Different Amounts Of Sex

In long-term relationships, partners’ sex drives are bound to get out of sync from time to time. That’s normal and not a cause for concern unless it becomes a persistent issue that starts putting significant stress and strain on the relationship. When this happens, it’s known as a sexual desire discrepancy.

Desire discrepancies are common. For instance, a nationally representative British sex survey found that about 1 in 4 adults in relationships reported experiencing this issue in the past year alone.

So what can you do if you’re in a sexual relationship where you and your partner want drastically different amounts or types of sex?

I spoke with Drs. Lori Brotto and Kristen Mark about this subject on recent episodes of the Sex and Psychology Podcast. Both of them are experts in the area of sexual desire. Here are some of the key things they told me:

As a starting point, look at this as a couple issue rather than a problem specific to one partner. When partners start blaming and shaming one another for wanting “too much” or “not enough” sex, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. In other words, think of this as a relationship issue that you need to address together—don’t go it alone (in fact, Kristen’s research finds that couple-focused strategies are far more successful than individual strategies).

Next, identify any potential health issues or stressors that might be tamping down desire, such as chronic fatigue or bringing a new baby into the picture. Sometimes people need to address those issues before addressing their sexual issues because they may be inextricably linked. In other words, there might be value in speaking with your doctor, re-evaluating your work-life balance, or otherwise getting a handle on the factors that might be affecting your libido before anything else.

From there, communication is key. Our partners don’t necessarily always know what we like and want—so if we expect them to be mind-readers, they’re going to get it wrong sometimes. And sometimes that’s the thing that puts a damper on desire: our partners aren’t giving us what we want because we haven’t told them what we want.

So in some cases, partners need to spend time sharing their desires and teaching each other what does and doesn’t feel good. It’s normal to not want sex that isn’t meeting your needs—but if you can improve the quality of the sex you’re having, that can help stimulate desire for more.

As you communicate about this, do so in a healthy and productive way. For instance, if you’re feeling sexually frustrated, being confrontational with your partner can ultimately make things worse. You might end up pushing your partner further away and, in the process, making the desire discrepancy even bigger. In short, be careful not to escalate the conflict.

Something else that can help is scheduling sex or having regular date nights. I know planned sex doesn’t sound sexy to everyone because many of us think that sex is “supposed” to be spontaneous. However, planned sex has some advantages over spontaneity. For one thing, you have time for anticipation (and arousal) to build. For another, you have time to get in the right headspace so that you can fully enjoy yourself. When sex is on the schedule, we can plan the rest of our lives around it so that we have less interference and fewer distractions.

Planned sex also affords the opportunity to build your partner’s arousal. You can flirt for hours—maybe even days—in advance. This can help increase the odds that you’ll both be in the mood when the time comes.

While sexual desire discrepancies are common and may, at times, feel hopeless, it should be reassuring to know that there is a lot you can to do manage these situations in healthy and satisfying ways.

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The Price of Sex in Amsterdam

One of the topics that we explore extensively in my sex and culture course in Amsterdam is sex work. As part of this course, I give my students the opportunity to speak with current and former sex workers about their experiences in the industry and, not surprisingly, one of the topics that always comes up is money.

What exactly is the price of sex in Amsterdam?

Before we answer that, it’s worth noting that prostitution is legal and government regulated in the Netherlands. However, this isn’t to say that all sex work that occurs in the Netherlands is legal. In order for it to be legal, it must operate within the confines of the law.

So, for example, someone running a brothel would need to secure the necessary license/permit from the government, pay taxes, and comply with all regulations. In other words, there are a lot of hoops to jump through—and, as a result, this had led to the emergence of a sex work shadow industry that operates outside of the law. In fact, some believe that this shadow industry is many times larger than the legalized industry.

How things work in the shadow industry in terms of pricing, we don’t really have a good sense of. So what we’re talking about in this post is sex work that occurs within the legal framework in the Netherlands.

Based on what several workers have told me, there seems to be a pretty standard going rate in the Red Light District, where (usually) scantily clad workers stand behind floor-to-ceiling windows and beckon potential customers as they walk by. That rate is 50 Euro (or about $60 USD) for 15-20 minutes. However, this only applies to what many workers refer to as “basic sex” (their phrase, not mine), meaning penis-in-vagina intercourse.

Of course, you can negotiate to do more or to stay longer, but only if you’re willing to pay extra. So, for example, if you have kinks or fetishes, you want kissing, you have a spouse/partner who wants to watch or participate, or you want something else beyond intercourse, that’s all individually negotiated and added to the price. However, workers have the freedom to decide whether they want to indulge your requests, and most workers I’ve spoken with have said they have firm limits on what they will and won’t do (for example, ‘no anal’ is the most common limit I’ve heard). So it’s not the case that money can buy whatever you want.

Pricing works differently outside of the Red Light District—and it really depends on the venue in which sex is being sold. For example, I spoke with a woman who formerly worked in a high-end gentleman’s club in a residential area outside the city center. The price there is 300 Euro per hour ($350-360 USD) with a one-hour minimum. And, again, that’s the price for “basic” sex—anything beyond that costs extra.

At these clubs, the men usually stay for a few hours because they’re looking for more than just sex—they’re looking for conversation and connection as well (or “the girlfriend experience,” as some call it). And depending how long they stay, how many bottles of champagne they buy, and what they want, they may very well end up paying thousands of Euros for an evening.

That said, it’s important to note that the workers aren’t taking home as much of that money as you think. For window workers (who are independent contractors) the cost of renting a window in the most desirable area during peak hours can cost as much as 150 Euro (approximately $175 USD). Thus, a worker would need to see three clients per shift just to pay for the space. Even then, however, she’d be losing money because this isn’t tax-free income.

To pay the window fee, account for taxes, and make a solid income, you’d probably need to see 6-10 clients per shift if you were a window worker.

By contrast, if you’re working in a high-end gentleman’s club, you split your hourly earnings with the club. However, you can make a solid income in this setting by seeing just one client per shift if you can get them to stick around for multiple hours and upsell them on extras (for example, workers get a commission on champagne purchases).

I should clarify that everything mentioned above applies to women selling sex to men because women are the most common sellers and men are the most common buyers in Amsterdam (in fact, there are no men who work behind the windows and, from what I understand, there’s only one brothel with male workers). I’d be curious to know how rates vary when workers are men or trans, but thus far, the only sex workers I’ve met in Amsterdam are cisgender women.

So there’s your inside look at how sex work ‘works’ in regulated settings in Amsterdam. What do you think? Are the numbers about what you expected or do they surprise you?

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

Image Source: Photo by Miltiadis Fragkidis on Unsplash

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Why Dutch Teens Have Better Sexual Health Than American Teens

In my study abroad course on sex and culture in the Netherlands, one of the things we have been discussing is cross-cultural differences in sexual health and sex education. Teens’ sexual health outcomes are dramatically different in the Netherlands compared to the United States, as you can see in the infographic below. Check out the stats and then keep reading to learn why.

Teen girls in the U.S. have a pregnancy rate that’s nearly four times higher and an abortion rate that’s about twice as high as Dutch girls of the same age [1]. Though not depicted in the infographic above, Dutch girls (and boys) have far lower rates of STIs, too [2]. So what accounts for why teens in the Netherlands seem to fare so much better in terms of their sexual health?

Well, it’s not just one thing—the entire cultural view of sex is different in the Netherlands. First, the Dutch have mandated comprehensive sex education for all students. Schools get to choose the material they want to cover, which means that not all Dutch teens are learning the same thing—and some schools certainly do a better job than others. However, when you look at the most popular program (Long Live Love), which is used in more than half of all Dutch schools, what you’ll see is a great model of what comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education looks like. Students don’t just learn how to protect their sexual health—they also receive education on pleasure, healthy dating and relationships, obtaining consent, communicating what you want, and so much more.

By contrast, there is no federal mandate for sex ed in the US, and there are currently 20 states in which it is not required by state law. In states where sex ed is required, programs typically stress abstinence and focus on teaching students about the negative outcomes that will occur if they have sex. Further, only a handful of states require that any sex education provided be medically accurate. Some states go further, even placing restrictions on what sex educators can and can’t discuss. For example, some states explicitly prohibit discussion of sexual orientation. The end result? Far too many American students aren’t really being taught useful or accurate information.

Differences in sex education are just one part of the equation here, though. It’s also important to note that, in Dutch culture (compared to American culture), sex is more likely to be viewed as a normal part of adolescent development. Also, Dutch parents and healthcare providers tend to speak more candidly with teens about sex, and free or low-cost contraception is more widely available. If the Dutch are anything, they are pragmatic—they recognize that teens will have sex whether we like it or not and therefore take steps to reduce any potential harm/risk. Given all of this, it shouldn't be surprising that Dutch teens use condoms and contraceptives far more reliably than their American counterparts [2].

Of course, I want to be careful not to paint the Netherlands as this utopia for sex education and sexual health. Teen pregnancies and STIs certainly still exist there (albeit at much lower rates) and not all Dutch teens receive high quality sex ed. Likewise, some American teens receive great sex ed, and sexual health outcomes for teens can vary widely from state to state. In both countries, there is individual (and regional) variability. Overall, however, there are large differences on average.

What all of this tells us is that if we want to enhance the sexual health of adolescents in the U.S., we have our work cut out for us. Yes, we need to change our approach to school-based sex education, but that alone isn't enough. We also need to change the way Americans think about teenage sex, which means moving away from the view that it's always a problem and toward the view that it can potentially be a part of normal and healthy development. It also means changing the climate of shame that stifles open dialogue about sex and promoting positive sexual communication skills for parents and teenagers alike.

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

[1] Sedgh, G., Finer, L. B., Bankole, A., Eilers, M. A., & Singh, S. (2015). Adolescent pregnancy, birth, and abortion rates across countries: Levels and recent trends. Journal of Adolescent Health, 56(2), 223-230.

[2] Alford, S., & Hauser, D. (2011). Adolescent sexual health in Europe and the US.

Image Source: 123RF/Mirko Vitali

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Sex Work and Mental Health In Cultures Where Prostitution Is Legal

Today in my study abroad course on sex and culture in the Netherlands, we're focusing on sex work, particularly the link between sex work and mental health.

Many studies have been conducted on the mental health of people (mostly women) who sell sex for a living. Most of this research has found that sex workers experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD than the rest of the population. However, virtually of all of this research is based on studies of sex workers who live in countries where prostitution is illegal.

So what about places, such as the Netherlands, where sex work is permitted under the law? Do sex workers tend to have better mental health outcomes in these cultures? Research suggests that they do, but that working conditions matter a lot [1,2].

Women who work the streets, even in cultures where sex work is legal, experience high rates of mental health problems. This is due to the fact that those who work the streets tend to be in more dire financial situations (meaning they often enter prostitution as an option of last resort). They are also more likely to enter the profession to support drug habits and are at much higher risk of sexual violence due to the nature of this working environment.

By contrast, those who work in private studios tend to be much better off. In fact, in places where sex work is legal, sex workers’ rates of mental health disorders are no different from women in the general population [1]. Studios offer more protection from sexual violence and reduce the risk of sex workers being taken advantage of. For example, panic buttons are often installed in these rooms. Plus, others are often nearby to provide security and oversight. Those who work in studios (compared to those who work the streets) are far more likely to voluntarily enter the profession and to say they enjoy their work.

What all of this tells us is that it's not necessarily the case that all sex workers are better off in cultures where prostitution is legal because working conditions and motivations for entering the job matter. They matter a lot. However, these results tell us that sex work is not inherently traumatizing. Many sex workers do enjoy their jobs and their mental health does not necessarily suffer because of it; however, this scenario is far more likely to be observed in places where sex work is legal than it is in countries where it's illegal.

To get an inside perspective about what it's like to be a sex worker in the Netherlands, my students and I are sitting down today with a Dutch sex worker at the Prostitution Information Center (PIC) for a seminar and Q&A (side note: the PIC is an organization dedicated to educating the public about the realities of prostitution--in other words, they're ambassadors for sex work). If you're ever in Amsterdam, I highly recommend stopping by the PIC and taking one of their tours because you'll get information that you just won't get anywhere else.

Follow the blog to keep up on what we're learning during our study abroad trip, and follow our daily adventures or live vicariously through us on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

[1] Rössler, W., Koch, U., Lauber, C., Hass, A. K., Altwegg, M., Ajdacic‐Gross, V., & Landolt, K. (2010). The mental health of female sex workers. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, 122(2), 143-152.

[2] Krumrei-Mancuso, E. J. (2017). Sex work and mental health: a study of women in the Netherlands. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(6), 1843-1856.

Image Source: 123RF/Josep Curto

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I'm Teaching About Sex and Culture in Amsterdam for the Next Two Weeks!

Greetings from Amsterdam! Today is the first day of a class I’m teaching on sex and culture in the Netherlands through the Sexual Health Alliance. Amsterdam is an awesome city—and a fascinating place to learn about cross-cultural differences in sexuality.

For one thing, sex work is legal and government-regulated in the Netherlands. So one of the things we’ll be focusing on in this course is what this means for sex workers.

For instance, compared to places where sex work is criminalized, how are the motivations for becoming a sex worker different in the Netherlands? Also, are there any differences in sex workers' mental health? What about differences in their risk of sexual assault and STIs? We’ll be digging into what the research says about all of these issues, but we’re also going to get some firsthand insight through a Q&A with a Dutch sex worker at the Prostitution Information Center and a visit to a BDSM dungeon where we’ll chat with a dominatrix.

We’re also going to explore cross-cultural differences in sex education. The Dutch have among the best sexual health outcomes in the world, including amongst the lowest rates of teen pregnancies and STIs in the industrialized world. This is due, in large part, to the fact that—unlike the United States—the Netherlands has mandated comprehensive sex education for all students. We’ll not only be diving into the research on this subject, but speaking with Dutch sex educators for additional perspective.

We’ll also be exploring LGBTQ+ issues in the Netherlands. The Netherlands was one of the first countries in the world to legalize same-sex marriage, so we will be looking at the implications of being a sexual minority in a culture where there is much greater acceptance of sexual diversity. What are the implications for mental health?

Of course, in addition to learning about Dutch sexuality in all of these ways, we’ll be immersing ourselves in the culture through a bike tour of Amsterdam, a boat cruise along the canals, a food tour, visits to some amazing museums, and more.

Best. Course. Ever.

It’ll be a busy couple of weeks for sure! However, I'll be sure to post some updates about what we're learning—and if you want to follow our adventures, follow me on Instagram @JustinJLehmiller

Want to travel with me and learn about sex around the world? Stay tuned! More course opportunities are coming, and you don’t have to be a college student to attend!

Image Source: 123RF/stanciuc

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What I Learned From a Decade of Studying Friends With Benefits

The very first sex study that I ever published appeared in the Journal of Sex Research in 2011, and it explored similarities and differences in how men and women approach friends with benefits (FWBs). In the decade since, I’ve co-authored a total of four journal articles on the subject plus one book chapter and 10 conference presentations. Along the way, I’ve learned a lot! In this post, I’ll share some of the key things I discovered through this work.

On Average, Men and Women Want Different Things in FWBs

In the 2011 study mentioned above, we surveyed 411 adults, all of whom said they currently had at least one FWB [1]. Participants ranged in age from 18 to 65 and most (86%) were heterosexual. Everyone was asked what they hoped would come of their FWB arrangement in the future, which could mean staying FWBs long-term, becoming romantic partners, becoming friends only, or having no relationship of any kind.

It turned out that men and women provided very different answers to this question. While the vast majority of women (69%) wanted their relationship to change in some way, the majority of men (60%) wanted to keep things the same. In other words, women were more likely to see their FWBs as a temporary state, whereas men were more likely to see their FWBs as an end state.

In what way(s) did women want their FWB to change? Women (compared to men) were more likely to hope that they would become a romantic couple (43% vs. 24%, respectively). Women were also more likely than men to hope that they would eventually go back to being just friends (20% vs. 10%, respectively).

The Sexual Behaviors of FWBs and Romantic Partners Differ in Several Ways

In a conference presentation I gave at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, I discussed results from a survey of approximately 1,100 adults who either had a current friend with benefits (26%) or romantic partner (74%) [2]. Participants were 29 years old on average and most identified as heterosexual (74%).

Everyone was asked to indicate whether they had engaged in a variety of specific sexual practices with their partner, from vanilla to kink.

When comparing across relationship type, one of the differences that emerged was that romantic partners were more likely to kiss one another than FWBs, although this difference was quite small. However, larger differences were observed for kink and multi-partner activities.

FWBs were about twice as likely to have had a threesome, while romantic partners were 50% more likely to have tried bondage. Why is that? It may be because BDSM desires are more likely to be shared and acted upon in relationships characterized by high levels of sexual communication, like romances (and, indeed, in some of my other studies, I’ve found that romantic partners report an easier time communicating about their sexual desires in general than FWBs). That said, desires for multi-partner sex specifically are probably more likely to be acted upon in relationships where there isn’t a lot of pressure to maintain sexual exclusivity, like FWBs (which I have consistently found to be mostly non-monogamous).

Another area where the sexual behaviors of FWBs and romantic partners differ is in practicing safe-sex. In a 2014 paper we published involving a sample of 376 people who currently had either a FWB or a romantic partner, we found that FWBs reported using condoms more frequently than did romantic partners [3].

The Long-Term Outcomes of FWBs are Mixed; Most Seem To Dissolve Within 1 Year

In my most recent study of FWBs, we conducted a one-year longitudinal study of 192 people who reported having a FWB [4]. We surveyed them at two different points in time, spaced apart by about one year. The sample was predominately heterosexual (72%) with an average age of 30.

In the first survey, participants were asked what they hoped would happen with their FWB in the future. They were also asked how satisfied they were with their relationship and how much they communicated about relationship rules and boundaries. In the second survey, we asked whether the nature of their relationship was the same or if it had changed—and, if so, why.

We found that some relationship outcomes were more likely than others. After one year, 26% were still FWBs, 15% had become romantic partners, 28% had gone back to being just friends, and 31% reported having no relationship of any kind with their former FWB. Put another way, the vast majority of FWBs dissolved over the course of the year. However, most participants still maintained at least some type of relationship with the other person, with about 1 in 3 cutting off all contact.

Whether an FWB Works Out Depends On Your Expectations And Communication Level

In that longitudinal study I mentioned, we found that some relationship goals seemed more attainable than others. Specifically, those who wanted to go back to being just friends appeared to be the most successful: 59% of those who desired that outcome at Time 1 attained it at Time 2.

Those who wanted to remain FWBs long-term were somewhat less successful, with 40% of those desiring it at Time 1 reporting that they were still FWBs at Time 2. By contrast, those who wanted to transition into romantic partners were the least successful, with just 15% of those who initially wanted that outcome getting it after one year.

Also, among those participants who reported maintaining at least some kind of relationship with their partner over time—whether it was sexual or non-sexual—they reported more communication about setting ground rules at Time 1. Those who were less communicative were more likely to report having no relationship whatsoever at Time 2.

We found a similar pattern of results for friendship satisfaction: those who were happier with their friendship at the outset were more likely to maintain some sort of relationship over time.

These findings suggest that the real key to making FWBs work seems to have a lot to do with matching expectations, excellent communication, and a solid friendship to start.

Takeaways

There’s a LOT I could say about FWBs based on the number of studies I’ve conducted and I don’t have time to get into all of them in this post, but I hope this gives you a flavor for some of the key things that I learned through all of this work.

I started this line of research initially because I had a lot of students taking my human sexuality classes asking how to make a FWB work. I didn’t have a great answer then because I didn’t have any data to go off of—but now I do!

[1] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly J. R. (2011). Sex differences in approaching friends with benefits relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 48, 275-284.

[2] Lehmiller, J.J. (2017, November). Experiences with kink and group sex among friends with benefits and romantic partners. Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Atlanta, GA.

[3] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly, J. R. (2014). Sexual communication, satisfaction, and condom use behavior in friends with benefits and romantic partners. Journal of Sex Research, 51(1), 74-85.

[4] Machia, L. V., Proulx, M. L., Ioerger, M., & Lehmiller, J. J. (2020). A longitudinal study of friends with benefits relationships. Personal Relationships, 27(1), 47-60.

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4 Ways Men Say Couple's Vibrators Improved Their Sex Lives

When vibrators are mentioned in pop culture, they’re usually discussed as masturbation aides—something people (particularly women) use to pleasure themselves. You don’t typically see people whipping them out during couple’s sex scenes.

In reality, though, vibrators are often used during partnered sex—and they have the potential to provide more satisfying sexual experiences for everyone involved. And as sex toy technology has advanced, it has become easier than ever to incorporate vibrators into partnered activities.

However, among heterosexual couples, men in particular are sometimes very reluctant to incorporate vibrators and other sex toys. For example, some men see vibrators as threatening or intimidating because they think their penises alone should be capable of satisfying their partners—but research suggests that men who think like this may be missing out.

In a study of 49 heterosexual men in committed relationships published in the journal Men and Masculinities, participants were given a couple’s vibrator to try out with their partner. Over a two-month period, participants were asked to have sex with and without the vibrator a certain number of times—and they were given detailed instructions on how to use this toy (note that this was a wearable couple’s vibrator designed to provide sensation and stimulation to both partners during penetrative intercourse).

Participants were surveyed several times about their feelings on the vibrator, and the researchers found that most (71%) said it enhanced pleasure and, further, the vast majority (88%) planned to keep using the toy even after the study was over.

The main benefits of using the couple’s vibrator were as follows:

1.) Physical pleasure

Most men said that using the device felt good. For example, many enjoyed the extra sensation caused by vibration, while others liked being able to have their hands free so that they could explore other types of stimulation.

2.) Appreciation of partner pleasure

Most men said the vibrator enhanced their partner’s pleasure—for instance, it was easier for their partners to reach orgasm and, sometimes, to have more intense orgasms. Seeing their partner satisfied boosted men’s own pleasure, as evidenced by comments from participants such as “I enjoy sex more when my partner does.”

3.) Novelty and variety

A lot of the men felt that using the vibrator itself was fun and that it increased excitement by adding a novel element to sex. Many also said that using the vibrator offered an easy opportunity for foreplay to go on longer than usual.

4.) Intimacy

Lastly, most men said that vibrator use enhanced intimacy and made them feel closer to their partners. For example, some said that it made sex a more “couple-focused” experience, in part, because it helped allow both partners to reach orgasm simultaneously.

Of course, it would have been nice to have data from both partners here, which is an important limitation of this research. Although men clearly seemed to think that using vibrators benefitted their partners (e.g., by facilitating orgasm), it would have been useful to see if women reported unique benefits that men did not. It would also be worth exploring the benefits of vibrator use among sexual and gender minorities.

With all of that said, the results of this research tell us that couple’s vibrators can potentially enhance sex in several ways and, further, that the taboo surrounding men’s sex toy use may be holding men back from unlocking more pleasure for both themselves and their partners.

To learn more about this research, see: Watson, E. D., Séguin, L. J., Milhausen, R. R., & Murray, S. H. (2016). The impact of a couple’s vibrator on men’s perceptions of their own and their partner’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Men and Masculinities, 19(4), 370-383.

Image Source: 123RF/bespalyi

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Celebrating 68 Years of Women's Sex Research

Sixty-eight years ago this week (August 20, 1953), the media first reported on some of the major findings from Alfred Kinsey's classic book Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. This book was really the first of its kind to explore women's sexual attitudes and behaviors from a scientific standpoint.

Kinsey's book sent shockwaves around the world and was labeled by many as "obscene" due to the prevailing views on sex at the time. Today, though, we look back on Kinsey's brave work as one of the most important publications on human sexuality ever. Kinsey's research was groundbreaking in many ways, but especially because it debunked many myths and misconceptions surrounding women's sexuality.

Kinsey found that the women he surveyed were far more sexual than most people at the time assumed. For example, many of them were masturbating, having sex outside of marriage, and engaging in same-sex behaviors. This landmark study demonstrated that men aren't the only ones who have sexual needs and desires. Women most certainly have them, too, and they're no less meaningful or important to study than are men's.

Thanks to Kinsey's willingness to publish his work even in the face of major controversy, female sexuality—and the study of sex more broadly—eventually came to be seen as a worthwhile area of scientific inquiry. Of course, sex research still has plenty of detractors today, which is something that I (and many of my colleagues) can attest to. However, its value and importance to society is increasingly recognized.

In order to honor this important milestone in the history of sex research (or "K-Day," as some have nicknamed it), here's a look at a few of the many interesting studies on women's sexuality that have emerged in recent few years precisely because Kinsey and his team of research associates paved the way. Happy K-Day!

Nocturnal Orgasms Aren't Just For Men--Women Have Them Too

Women's Most and Least Common Reasons for Having Sex

Women's Preferred "Shapes" and Styles of Genital Touch (Infographic)

Infographic: Women's Experiences With Orgasm During Vaginal Intercourse

What Makes Women More Likely To Orgasm During A Hookup?

10 Surprising Facts About The Vagina

The G-Spot Isn’t What You Think It Is

Women Who Use Marijuana Before Sex Report Better Orgasms

Women Who Buy Sex: Why They Do It, And What Their Experiences Are Like

Older Women Who Date Younger Men Are More Satisfied

Image Credit: Justin Lehmiller

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5 Things Science Has Taught Us About BDSM

BDSM (which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism) is one of the most popular sexual fantasies and a significant number of people report having engaged in BDSM acts before. Interest in BDSM appears to have risen in recent years and, at the time time, so has scientific interest. In this post, we’ll review 5 of the key things research has uncovered about BDSM.

1.) There isn’t just one thing that draws people to BDSM—in fact, there are at least 8 possible reasons! For some, it seems to be a lifelong orientation, whereas for others, BDSM interest emerges later in life in response to some experience or to meet some need (such as seeking balance, or coping with the pain of chronic illness).

2.) BDSM isn’t always about sex. Research on kinksters finds that BDSM tends to have sexual elements more often than not—but it’s a non-sexual experience for at least some individuals, with some people deriving personal or other meaning from BDSM. Also, some people who are asexual are drawn to kink, too.

3.) People’s interest in BDSM seems to change with age. In my own research on sexual fantasies, I find that interest in BDSM is actually highest among young adults (those in their 20s) and that it tends to be less common among older adults; however, BDSM fantasies are relatively common in every age group. Why might interest in BDSM change with age? One possibility is that it might be related, in part, to personality shifts that happen as we get older—and those shifts might predispose us to having different sexual interests. Learn more about this idea here.

4.) People who practice BDSM have relationships that are just as happy and healthy as everyone else. Many people (including some sex therapists) have questioned whether you can be into BDSM and have a healthy relationship—however, the research shows that consensual BDSM doesn’t impair relationship functioning or undermine relationship happiness, so let’s put this myth to rest.

5.) Exploring BDSM can boost sexual satisfaction. One of the biggest things that distinguishes the most from the least sexually satisfied couples is that the happy ones are mixing it up and trying new things—and that includes exploring their kinkier side. Research has found that sexually satisfied men and women are 2-3 times more likely to have tried BDSM compared to those who are sexually dissatisfied.

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Are Our Brains ‘Wired’ For Monogamy Or Non-Monogamy?

Why does monogamy work for some people but not for others? Research suggests that it might have something to do with the way our brains are ‘wired.’

Consider a study in which 20 heterosexual men underwent brain scans while looking at different types of images. Some of the images were sexual, depicting couples engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse. Others were romantic, showing clothed men and women engaged in non-sexual intimacy. Yet others were neutral, depicting nature scenes or imagery of people engaged in non-romantic and non-sexual activities.

Half of the men were “highly monogamous.” They’d never had a sexually open relationship, nor had they committed infidelity. They also reported having a lower than average number of lifetime sexual partners and said they rarely fantasized about anyone other than their relationship partner.

The other half were “highly non-monogamous.” These men reported having had experience with both sexually open relationships and infidelity. They reported a greater than average number of sex partners in their lifetime and said they had a preference for having multiple partners at the same time.

The results showed that, regardless of relationship orientation, men showed substantial activation of the brain’s reward pathways when exposed to sexual images. Put another way, and not surprisingly, pretty much everyone found the sexual images to be rewarding.

By contrast, monogamous men (relative to non-monogamous men) showed substantially greater activation of the brain’s reward system in response to romantic images. The areas of the brain that were active while monogamous men were viewing romantic images were largely the same as the ones activated when they viewed sexual images.

Put another way, monogamous men processed romantic and sexual images in a similar way—and found both types to be very rewarding.

For non-monogamous men, however, they seemed to be processing romantic images in a somewhat different way. Unlike the monogamous men who just showed a general reward response to the romantic images, non-monogamous men had brain regions active that were involved in higher-order cognitive processing, suggesting that they were studying and thinking about those images.

These findings suggest the possibility that different people might be predisposed to different styles of mating based on the way their brains are ‘wired.’ In other words, perhaps tendencies toward monogamy vs. non-monogamy are rooted in brain structure.

Of course, other explanations are possible. For instance, perhaps having more practice or experience with monogamy vs. nonmonogamy “rewires” the brain. In other words, we might be observing the outcome rather than the cause in this case—and with correlational studies, that’s something you can never tell with certainty.

More research is needed to explore this limitation—and also to replicate the findings in larger and more diverse samples (e.g., would we see similar results across gender, sexuality, and other demographic features?). Further, it would be worth exploring whether the brain responses of non-monogamous men vary based on the type of non-monogamy they practice. In this study, all of the non-monogamous men had been both consensually and non-consensually non-monogamous. So what about men who only have experience with one or the other? Do their brain responses differ?

While it’s probably best to consider these results preliminary, they do suggest the possibility that we might have a relationship orientation ‘wired’ in the brain, which would mean that different people might be predisposed to different mating styles.

To learn more about this research, see: Hamilton, L. D., & Meston, C. M. (2017). Differences in neural response to romantic stimuli in monogamous and non-monogamous men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2289-2299.

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The Stimulating History of Sex Toys

What is the oldest sex toy in existence? Why were butt plugs once marketed as a cure for asthma? Why is it still illegal to sell sex toys in some parts of the United States?

I recently interviewed sex historian and journalist Hallie Lieberman for the Sex and Psychology Podcast to dive into the fascinating history of sex toys (listen to the full episode here). Hallie is author of the incredibly entertaining book, Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy.

In this excerpt from our conversation, we discuss the history of sex toys, unusual ways they have been marketed, and the ever-changing legal status of selling sex toys in the United States. Note that this transcript has been lightly edited for clarity.

Justin Lehmiller: Your book, Buzz, is all about the history of sex toys. Why did you want to dive into this subject?

Hallie Lieberman: It came from my own experience selling them—and my experience in Texas walking into a sex toy store and seeing black bars covering up words like "dildo" and "vibrator," just like you’d see in a redacted FBI document. That kind of stuff made me think, “where did this come from? Is this recent? Have we always been like this?” And that really led me to dive into the history. I just wanted to know where the story began. That was my question, and no one had that answer.

Justin Lehmiller: So where does the story begin? How long have humans been using sex toys? What is the earliest known sex toy in existence that you were able to discover?

Hallie Lieberman: So the earliest sex toy is 30,000 years old—at least it’s the earliest thing that looks like a sex toy. These are stone tools from 30,000 years ago that were found in Germany, and these were phallic. And, of course, we don't know how they were used. Some archeologists say they were used as spear sharpeners because they have little marks on the side, but they look like dicks. There's no reason in my mind for why we need to sharpen spears on dicks. Like, we don't sharpen knives on dildos in the 21st century, so it was hard for me to believe that's what they were doing. And some people say that they were actually dildos as well. So that's the oldest thing that some people are claiming is a sex toy.

Justin Lehmiller: So, maybe they were multi-purpose?

Hallie Lieberman: Well, a vibrator today is sold as a back massager, and you can use it like that. My boyfriend will use my Hitachi Magic Wand on his legs. I'm like, “what are you doing? That's for my clitoris.” But yeah, they could have been multi-purpose.

Justin Lehmiller: So sex toys, seemingly, have been around for a long time. Of course, as you mentioned, there's a lot we don't know about exactly what people were doing with some of these artifacts.

But something else I'm curious about, in terms of you taking this deep dive into the history of sex toys, was there anything that really surprised you over the course of your research? For example, were there any older toys or advertisements for toys that you came across where you were just like, “what the fuck is that?” I say this because when I look at some things in the history of sexual health and wellness products, I have those WTF moments.

For example, Lysol used to be marketed as a feminine hygiene product. They were literally telling women to put Lysol inside of their vaginas—which is a terrible idea. And no one should ever do that. But that's one of those things that makes me go, what the fuck? So, did you have any moments like that as you were studying and diving into this?

Hallie Lieberman: Oh my God, I had so many of those! So I was in the archives looking at this rectal dilator—they were not called butt plugs—from around 1905 and the advertisement said it would cure your asthma! That was one of those screaming-in-the-archives moments where I was like, “oh my God, people believed this?” I don't know if people actually believed it, but it looks exactly like a butt plug today—and they would say it would cure asthma and all of your other ails. I also saw an ad that said vibrators cure deafness.

Justin Lehmiller: Wow. I'm pretty confident that butt plugs don't cure asthma, but fascinating. Part of my sense of this is that there were prohibitions against sexual aids and pornography and all of these other things throughout history. So marketers had to come up with creative ways of getting their products into the hands of consumers, and they would do something along the lines of what you said, where maybe they would tout some type of potential health benefit associated with it so that it was more of a medical product rather than a sexual product.

We saw something similar with pornography, where if it could be argued that it had artistic value, then it wasn't really porn. When you look at the history of porn, you see a lot of things that were distributed as pornography that were designed and created to give them some artistic elements so it could be argued that it was art and not porn. For example, photos of naked women posing with fishing poles and other things like that. Why would they be posing with a fishing pole when they weren't really fishing?

Hallie Lieberman: It totally makes sense.

Anthony Comstock, who was working with the postal service, he would look through advertisements all over the country and look to see if he thought something was a sex toy or a contraceptive. And he would raid the offices and shut down the businesses. You had to be super careful. So, yeah, that's one of the reasons why butt plugs were marketed in this pseudo-medical way. Vibrators, too, absolutely.

And the guy who was doing this, marketing butt plugs this way, he had this theory of the orifice—the orifical theory of health—that everything was connected through our anus, like all of our health problems. But other doctors were like, this is bogus; he's just using it to sell his rectal dilators. And some people said, oh, he's trying to promote sodomy. So, there were a few people during his time who were like, wait a second, this is weird. But that was one of the main reasons that they were marketed in a non-sexual way.

Justin Lehmiller: Since you mentioned laws regarding sex toys, let's dive into that a little bit. I don't think a lot of people realize that throughout much of history—and even today—that the sale, possession, and use of sex toys has been regulated by law in many places.

I actually didn't realize this myself until I started teaching human sexuality courses in colleges. Back in the day, I used to have a representative from a company called Pure Romance, which is one of those sex-toy-Tupperware party kind of companies, who would visit my class to talk about sex toys and the reps would tell us how they would have to do totally different presentations in different states in order to avoid being arrested—and it's not like they were putting on explicit shows or anything.

They're literally just putting sex toys on display and talking about how they work. It's not a live sex demo. But in some places, they said they could only have all-female audiences—no men allowed—or they could only have a certain number of toys with them, or they had to talk about the toys as novelty products instead of sex toys.

Can you tell us a little bit more about those laws and whether you can still get in legal trouble today for selling sex toys?

Hallie Lieberman: Today, there's only one state that has anti-sex toy laws, and that's Alabama. You can still get in trouble, not for possessing them, but for selling them.

And where I live in Atlanta, three years ago it was still illegal in an Atlanta suburb to possess a sex toy. This woman with multiple sclerosis, who used sex toys and was open about it, actually had to sue the city to get that law overturned. I mean, this is three fucking years ago.

So, it's very, very recent that we've gotten rid of these laws. The time you were teaching, I'm guessing, was this mid-2000s?

Justin Lehmiller: Yes, right around then.

Hallie Lieberman: In that time period, 8 to 10 states had these laws and every law was different. Like in Texas, if you had six or more dildos on you, it was considered intent to sell. And it's like, haven't you ever heard of kink?

So there were all of these different laws. And when companies like Trojan, around that time, came out with vibrating cock rings, there were certain states where they just couldn't sell them, like Colorado and Mississippi. A lot of them were Southern— in Texas, of course, and Alabama. It was really crazy, this patchwork of laws. I mean, this is the 21st century. What were we afraid of?

It's really disturbing how it's that recent. And even today there's still one state where selling sex toys is illegal.

Justin Lehmiller: And there were some people, I believe I read in your book, who even in the 21st century were arrested for violating these sex toy laws, right?

Hallie Lieberman : Yeah, like the woman who worked for my company! I mean, this was 2004, and I read all of these articles—Joanne Webb, I believe was her name—that said, "oh, it was because she wore miniskirts to church and so that's why she was targeted." That's stupid. But whatever. She shouldn't have been arrested. So, yeah, this was happening. And even if people weren't arrested—which some were, but not a ton of them—it had such a chilling effect.

I mean, you saw in your classroom, the Pure Romance representative changing presentations for everything. It had that kind of effect. And what it did was lead to poor sex education, more euphemisms, more shame. So even if no one gets arrested from the laws, it affects sexual knowledge and sexual education in a really bad way.

Justin Lehmiller: That is such a brilliant point and beautifully put—the way those laws contribute further to all of this sexual shame that we already have. And when you've got these perceived taboos or prohibitions against talking about sex toys openly, that just makes talking about sex in general even more taboo and shameful.

The culture in which we're embedded plays a really big role in how willing and open we are to communicate about sex and how easy it is to communicate about sex with our partners. So I’m glad to see that the laws have changed, and that for the most part, we can talk about sex toys more openly in 49 states today.

For more on the history of sex toys, check out my full conversation with Hallie here and be sure to check out her book, Buzz.

Image Source: 123RF

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Sex with a Sleeping Person: The Psychology of Somnophilia

Somnophilia refers to a sexual interest in which someone is turned on by the idea of having sex with a person who is sleeping—or being asleep and receiving sexual attention from someone else. I recently wrote an article exploring what we know about how common this sexual interest is and what somnophilia fantasies look like—but in this article, we’re going to take a deeper dive into the psychology behind it.

A recent study sought to explore how interest in different forms of somnophilia (consensual vs. non-consensual scenario and active vs. passive role) are related to a range of other sexual interests in an online survey of 437 adults.

One of the questions they explored was whether there is a potential connection between somnophilia (specifically, the kind that involves taking on an active role with a non-consenting partner) and necrophilia (a sexual interest in dead people).

I hadn’t previously thought about how these interests might be linked, but it makes intuitive sense. For example, as I’ve discussed before, the single most common reason reported for necrophilia is a desire to have an partner who will not resist or reject you. Having sex with a person who is sleeping and does not wake up would offer another way of fulfilling that kind of desire, right?

Through this lens, then, somnophilia—the non-consensual type—and necrophilia may both be about attraction to passive partners who are unable to reject one’s advances. Alternatively, it may be that somnophilia is a stand-in or substitute for necrophilia in some cases, given that the former may be seen as more feasible way than the latter .

Consistent with this idea, the researchers did find a link between interest in necrophilia and interest in non-consensual somnophilia, which suggests that whatever psychological factors underlie necrophilia could also be what drives certain forms of somnophilia.

The researchers also looked at whether non-consensual somnophilia is related to interest in non-consensual sex more broadly (known as biastophilia)—and, indeed, there was also a connection there. So that could be another motivating factor for some.

And, yet another connection that emerged was between somnophilia interest and having more dominant and sadistic fantasies—but this link appeared primarily for the active, consensual somnophilia scenarios. Thus, when somnophilia is motivated by BDSM, it’s not about wanting to abuse/harm someone or about fear or rejection—it’s about using sleep as a vehicle for establishing a consensual dominant-submissive dynamic.

Consistent with this idea, among those who reported interest in passive somnophilia (that is, being asleep while someone else has sex with you), this was linked to having more fantasies about submission and masochism—as well as more fantasies about being “forced” to have sex (i.e., consensual non-consent fantasies).

This study doesn’t provide insight into every possible origin of somnophilia fantasies—it’s possible that interest could be motivated by other factors, too. And the motives are probably very different in cases of somnophilia where the sleeping partner wakes up and continues sexual activity (i.e., Sleeping Beauty Syndrome), which this study did not explore. Also, it doesn’t shed light on which motivations are most common, although it is worth pointing out that interest in consensual somnophilia was more common than the non-consensual forms, which would suggest that ties to necrophilia and biastophilia may not be the main drivers of this.

It’s also worth pointing out that there were some gender differences in this study, with men being more interested than women in taking on an active role in the scenario; however, men and women did not differ in their interest in taking on a passive role.

With all of that said, the results of this research suggest that the psychological roots of somnophilia—like most other sexual fantasies—are diverse. Different people can be drawn to it for very different reasons; however, in exploring the underlying motivations, it is essential to avoid looking at somnophilia as just one thing and to consider the role people are taking (active vs. passive) and whether or not consent is present.

Somnophilia is often discussed in the popular media in the context of sexual abuse—and, indeed, it is abusive when consent is not present. However, given that non-consensual somnophilia interest is less common than the consensual type, this suggests that somnophilia in general may not necessarily be indicative of a proclivity toward sexual offending.

To learn more about this research, see: Deehan, E. T., & Bartels, R. M. (2021). Somnophilia: Examining its various forms and associated constructs. Sexual Abuse, 33(2), 200-222.

Image Source: Photo by DAVIDCOHEN on Unsplash

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Performative Kissing: When and Why People Make Out in Public

When a couple starts kissing intensely in public, it tends to capture your attention—you can’t pull your eyes away. And when you see this, it’s possible to experience a wide range of reactions, from curiosity to arousal to annoyance (hence why you might hear someone say, “Get a room!”).

So what motivates hot and heavy public displays of affection like this anyway? Is it more about showing a partner affection, or showing off? A study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that it’s probably more about the latter than the former.

Researchers surveyed 349 college students about their past experiences with “performative making out.” What we’re talking about here is intense kissing that takes place in a public setting where others are clearly going to witness it.

Participants were asked if they had done it before, what it was like, what prompted them to do it, and what kind of reaction they got.

Approximately one-third of the sample had done some performative kissing before. Men and women reported similar levels of experience with this; however, women were four times more likely than men to say they had engaged in performative making out with a same-sex partner (8 percent vs. 2 percent, respectively). While all of the men who reported a public same-sex kiss were gay, almost all of the women who did so were heterosexual. More on that momentarily.

In terms of motivations for public kissing, the most common motivator for men who made out with women was to show off—they wanted to boost their image or social standing. Less commonly, some men reported doing so to demonstrate their relationship status (or show others that their partner is taken), to start a new relationship, or just for fun.

For women who made out with men, the primary motivator was to stir up jealousy, often on the part of an ex. Sometimes this was tied to revenge motives, while other times it was tied to a desire to get a former partner back (i.e., by showing their ex what they’re missing out on). Although some women said they did this in order to demonstrate their relationship status or boost their image, this was less common.

However, when women publicly kissed a same-sex partner, their reasons were different and most commonly included for fun and games, to change their image (such as being seen as more adventurous), or to turn-on a male witness, such as a boyfriend.

So what kind of reactions did people receive?

Men indicated more positive than negative responses, meaning they tended to get what they were after. Few said they regretted the experience, and those who did said it felt awkward, they were made fun of, or they inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings.

By contrast, women reported more negative than positive reactions—they were less likely than men to get what they wanted out of it. The single most common negative outcome among women was a repetitional hit, with others thinking of her as a “slut.” So a double standard was evident, where men were more likely to be lauded and women to be shamed for engaging in the same behavior.

Of course, these findings are limited in that only college students were surveyed. It would be interesting to study experiences with performative kissing in more diverse samples and across cultures, especially given that PDAs are more taboo in some places than others.

That said, what these findings suggest is that, at least among young adults, performative kissing isn’t usually done in service to one’s partner—more often than not, it’s designed to send a message to others and to manage impressions. However, it doesn’t always land the way it is intended.

To learn more about this research, see: Esterline, K. M., & Muehlenhard, C. L. (2017). Wanting to be seen: Young people’s experiences of performative making out. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(8), 1051-1063.

Image Source: 123RF/rez_art

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When Sex Toy Misuse Sends People to the Emergency Room

You all know that I’m an advocate for sex toys. The data are clear that most people who use them report benefits and overwhelmingly positive effects. For example, sex toys are an easy way of interjecting novelty into a relationship and keeping the spark alive (which is why sex toy use is one of the biggest things that differentiates the most from the least sexually satisfied couples!).

Sex toys can also help you to explore your body and to discover new sources of pleasure. They can help you to live out your fantasies. They can help to facilitate orgasm—and close the orgasm gap. They can even potentially help people to deal with sexual difficulties (for example, masturbation devices can help some men to develop better ejaculatory control).

However, it’s important to use your toys correctly—and to understand how to use them safely—in order to avoid risk of injury because some people wind up in emergency rooms every year due to misuse of toys.

A recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy sought to quantify how often sex toy-related injuries occur. Drawing upon data from the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System, researchers tabulated information on dildo and vibrator injuries that led to emergency room visits between the years 2000 and 2019 in the United States.

Extrapolating from the data, they estimated 18,547 vibrator injuries and 6,468 dildo injuries in total during that time period. On average, that translates to about 1,250 sex toys injuries per year; however, it’s important to note that rates of injuries increased over time, going from a few hundred per year around 2000 to a few thousand per year by 2019.

For both vibrators and dildos, men were more likely than women to show up in the ER with an injury. Injuries were also more common among younger adults (injuries were highest among those in their 20s) and they became less common with age.

The vast majority of injuries (71% for vibrators and 84% for dildos) were due to the device being lodged in the rectum and irretrievable. The next most common type of injury was due to the device being stuck in the vagina (18% of vibrator injuries, 4% of dildo injuries).

While patients were often able to be treated and released, a fair number (35% of vibrator cases and 48% of dildo cases) necessitated hospitalization.

This study is, of course, limited in that it wasn’t able to assess injuries for every single type of sex toy. It is also possible to injure oneself with other toys that weren’t included in this analysis, such as improper use of bondage gear, wearing cock rings for too long, and so forth. Thus, the numbers presented here are probably an underestimate because they don’t speak to all possible sex toy injuries.

That said, what these results tell us is that, while certainly not common, sex toys injuries can and do occur—and they seem to have increased as more people have begun using them.

This points to a need for sex educators and therapists to provide more education around proper sex toy use, for consumers to do their due diligence before playing with their toys, and for manufacturers to produce devices in ways that minimize risk of injury.

Given that the single most common type of injury that emerged was the toy being stuck in a body cavity, some practical recommendations from this research are to (1) look for insertable toys that have a safety ring or flared base that will prevent it from going all of the way inside the body, and (2) to take care when using insertable toys (whether alone or with a partner) to ensure that they are not inserted completely to the point where they become irretrievable.

Again, let me reiterate that sex toy injuries aren’t common and you certainly shouldn’t be afraid of sex toys, throw them away, or start panicking about them—research points to far more benefits of sex toys than risks! The takeaway from all of this is that, as with any sexual activity or practice, a little bit of education can go a long way toward ensuring a safe, pleasurable, and healthy experience for everyone involved.

Image Source: 123RF

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