Today was a lovely day. I spent time taking responsibility for my friendships, something that I haven’t been very good at doing, but I will try to be better at now that I’m giving life a different go. I love my friends, and I love deeply. I love the friends that aren’t even my friends any more. Giving others a piece of my heart is something I could never take back. I wish that I wasn’t so loving sometimes, but other times, I couldn’t imagine being any other way.
Currently, I’m thinking about a person in my life that I am confident can scratch an itch that I have. The question I am asking myself is: Can you do scratch that itch yourself, Melissa? Are you just wanting that person in your life for the commodity of having them? Are you being the strong, kick-ass, productive individual that you set-out to be?
I set very high standards for those I love, and I’d like to think first and foremost, that includes myself.
I fear that I don’t always fulfill my own expectations of high standards. I tell myself the bar is set at 1 foot and I can’t even make an inch. I know that I am intelligent. This is just the most confidence I’ve had in a while, and I’m a bit worried about this way it is manifesting.
Anyway. I have people in my life that love me and accept me. I am afraid that I am doing something wrong, but regardless of that, they seem to love me. I definitely have cases of unrequited love in my life, and I’m afraid I cannot change that. I am almost certain of that, but I can surely be wrong.
Although I have gained and grown so much confidence in my young life so far, I find so much solace in knowing that I may be wrong. The power I seek in being a balanced individual sometimes is met by this simple admittance.
I sure hope that one day, I don’t feel so alone in the way that I love.
The question of being enough has already tired me out, and I’m unsure how much longer I can go.
I am afraid of settling.
I want to fight.
I want to use all the love I have to fight for something better than what we have now.
I don’t want to accept people in my life that don’t support that part of me, that fight in me, and that belittle my strengths, or worse, see them as weaknesses.
I need to be able to see the difference between people who love me and people who don’t value me. It seems easy, but it has not been for me.
Forgiveness is necessary, but I think I’ve paid a bit too much forgiveness in my young life. Now, this does not mean, by any means, that I’d like to stop. It just means I think I have over-spent my forgiveness budget...and I’m not sure how to balance it out.
I digress...I want to fight. I want to fight for all I know that is good in this world because I believe it is true. I believe it exists and even if I don’t live to see it, I want to love as hard as I possibly can to provide something good for the good people around me.
