my whole heart:

An admirer of the human condition. Tidbits and thoughts.

[zodiacspot]

Read more about your Zodiac sign here

[thekindesthuman]

I’m too exhausted to do this but UGH the satisfaction of one day 

[zodiacspot]

Fun zodiac facts here!

[thekindesthuman]

Can’t help it. Couldn’t help it. Some fear to overcome now.

[thekindesthuman]

heartbreak

Even though I had been thinking of the worst for a good while - he actually cut off all hope. I’m truly heartbroken, and I hate being so neat about it. I think I need to look at this like another challenge I need to overcome. I can’t just ignore this one away. I need to do that occasionally but I can’t just wish it away. I need to figure this out in a way that makes me happy. I have no idea what can make me happy about this. I pray that one day I can find something. Right now it’s all pretty dark.

[thekindesthuman]

Llorona

Update is, I haven’t had answers to those questions.

The questions about wanting, and whether or not he wants me.

Was I in denial? So much of his universe to me seems h alf real and half fake.

I’m unhappy. I should end it. I shouldn’t be so unhappy.

I told him I missed him. I’m trying to give him space. I don’t think this can work for me.

I wanted a man who knew he wanted me. I feel like I spent my hopes on him and I don’t know why I’m so heartbroken.

Just all feels so unrequited. Which leads me to feel undeserving. Rejected. In a slow way. In a “let me look at her teeth way” in a “I should have been more careful” way.

He doesn’t love me like I want him to. Can I blame him? I don’t even know how to ask him for it?

Why shouldn’t he know? Did I fuck up our momentum? Did it just die by itself? I’m so upset.

I’m lost.

I’m so lost.

[thekindesthuman]

my love

I love him. Complexly, I do. It isn’t simple, and I’m afraid to simplify it. My truth isn’t something I take lightly, and don’t ever wish to do so without someone holding my hand first.

I’ve loved him, but his emotions aren’t clear to me. I’m unsure if they’re even clear to him. He enjoys my body and in some of those moments I am unsure. I’m looking for his longing. Does he want me?

I love him like I want to hold him. Like I want to whisper it into his ear and kiss him fully on the mouth. I love him like I’m in love with him. Like every day I want to say good morning and every night good night.

How does he feel about me?

[jaenausten]

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) 

[thekindesthuman]

era este!!!

[jakegyllenhaal]

This house is so full of people it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I’m living alone! Did you hear me? I’m living alone! I’m living alone!

Home Alone (1990, dir. Chris Columbus)

[thekindesthuman]

tanto cuore though

[thekindesthuman]

holiday

This year, the holiday is very different than the past. There is fear, and there is burn out. There is mindfulness, and there is mindlessness. There is care, and there is carelessness. It’s all there, and it isn’t easy to swallow. I wish I weren’t afraid to speak in my own house, but I suppose that’s what happens when your family’s bout with mental illness erupts because one person was suffering silently. What do you do when that person does not want to and cannot suffer silently anymore. What do you do when that person lashes out and shakes you all up in the process. What do you do when all you want is a little more stability, and you seek for it where it was promised, but you find only remains, only loose ends. I know quality exists. I know hard work gets you there. But the sacrifice. I’ve seen that too. What is it that I will end up sacrificing?

[zodiacspot]

More fun Zodiac facts here

[thekindesthuman]

Update

I have the lovely chance to date the pisces I’ve been pining over for EVER. Here is the thing, I need patience! I didn’t think it’d be an issue but it sooo is. Like, I want him right now, but I gotta wait days. I wanna look at him and touch him right now, but I can’t. The urgency is there for me, but I have no idea if it’s like that for him. A lot is up in the air for us...and I wish it weren’t.

It’s a lowkey shame, but I’m not sure if I can do this in this way. Like, ideally, right? But it seems like something I don’t want now, it’s not as exciting as I was hoping it would be. This is something that is kinda scary. Because, what do I tell him? Hi, I know we WERE crazy about each other but it’s kinda faded/fading.

No se. I’ll reupdate soon. Ugh, disappointed. 

[militantanthropology]

Anthropology is an intimate practice. It is a work of careful translation.

Dr. Nancy Scheper-Hughes (via militantanthropology)

gosh, I miss reading scheper-hughes.  too bad my grad school plans have been 100% derailed now.

(via poopsapiens)

[thekindesthuman]

Progress

Wow, reading through just a little of what I’ve wrote throughout my healing process is refreshing. I don’t feel so desperate anymore, and this may be good or bad, but right now it feels good. The urgency exists inside me, I’m sure of it, but right now I need to heal the un-urgent part of me and I feel like she is thriving. Saving and learning and the biggest goal I am setting for myself in 2018 AND wish to develop is being UNAPOLOGETIC.

I’m not sorry for being myself, in fact I have to fight to be it.

I am fighting to be me, and I have made strides in being unapologetic, but I need to find a way to do it that works for me. Me and only me. Cutting lose those strings of attachment are not easy, and they aren’t healthy ones either.

Ok, progress. Great. Let’s continuing hustling, Meli. tvb tqm ily <3

[thekindesthuman]

Been a while! Just listened to this as I cleaned up my room after a depressive episode (yikes at the mess made after thoseee) and definitely feel “self assured” Worth a listen if you have some time, I appreciate his frankness, honesty, vulnerability, and humilty tbh. Perfection isn’t attainable, it just is.

[thekindesthuman]

I encourage you to write until your head and your heart tell you it’s ok to stop.

[zodiacspot]

The sign’s true friends

[thekindesthuman]

If this ain’t the damn truth.

[zodiacspot]

Fun zodiac facts here!

[zodiacspot]

Fun zodiac facts here!