I don't normally complain, especially via the internet, but I'm kinda at a breaking point with all of this. Long story short i've dealt with mental illness my whole life, when I was old enough to understand sadness, and reflect on my own feelings and emotions and make sense of them. I've been in and out of counseling, i've seen psychiatrist and have been formally diagnosed with major depression, bipolar type 1, ptsd, anxiety with borderline features, and an eating disorder, but I was always to young to be diagnosed borderline. I was on heavy dosages of medication that made me zombie like most of my teenage years, and still felt like I had questions unanswered. My insurance was cut off at 18,and after being abruptly cut off of medications I should've been weened off of, I dropped out of my first semester of university, and since then i've been trying to grow up, hoping this was a phase, i've gone through some more college,and I have a full time job now.. I have been trying to deal with things the best way I could, struggling to stay a float and survive for my family but I can feel my self slipping into the undertow again and I can't stop it… I feel like being an adult now, and the events that have happened in my adult life meet all borderline requirements and I want to be reevaluated and start seeking therapy, I meet every single criteria, all 9, and I have for many years now. I was taking Valium illegally and got popped for a drug test at work, and thats when I knew I was on the edge of losing everything again.
This is where my rant starts. I set up an appointment at our local mental health office and they told me what I need to bring in for heathy safety net, i'm from the USA, Tennessee. When I got there with all the required information they took one look at my pay stubs and said you make to much, of course I was a little baffled.. I pay rent, car insurance, car payment, my cell phone, and i'm struggling to do that.. I don't know how my measly, minimum wage ($7.50 in TN) at 35-40 hours a week is ABOVE poverty average..In what fucking universe? Well I was very angry and snatched my papers and stormed out to my car, where I started to cry like a big baby.. I sucked everything up, dried my face, pulled myself together and walked back in, I asked if they had a sliding fee scale, NOPE, so I asked what the rates were 200$ to see the Psychiatrist 180$ to see the Psychologist, one diagnosis and counsels the other prescribes. I don't have have 380$ extra a month..by this point I was shaking with anger to the point of tears (again). So I asked politely what they suggest someone in my position does, they nonchalantly looked at each other, and then said they didn't know they could look up some referrals, some of which they handed me I refers my clients to and I just looked at the piece of paper, all these places hours away, all these places with all the specifications..Honestly I crumbled up the piece of paper and slung it as far as I could, and I slammed their door.. I got back in my car and called the health department (it was on the sheet) and sobbed to a nurse who told me to call 911 if I was suicidal, I called the original card my Supervisor gave me for employee counseling (since we work in a stressful job), they could give me 3 free, over the phone stress debriefing courses. I called two of the referrals on that sheet that I knew the numbers to, they never answered or called me back. I called my supervisor in a last ditch effort and she refereed me to religious counseling, I'm' not religious and I didn't have the heart to explain all of this to her..Her other suggestion? Sign up for OBAMAcare…. I had two options, take my ass to the ER where they have to see me, just to tell them i'm suicidal and have them "evaluate me" and send me on my merry way because I have no insurance and have a billion dollar hospital bill, or go home…. So i'm home,and I feel so defeated, I just wanted help, I just wanted to talk and know why my fucking life is fucking falling apart and why I feel like this… I don't care about pills, I just want to talk to other people who understand this before i lose myself completely… I'm just dollar sign though, i'm just a number, i'm not a human being, not someone asking for help. Just a 22 year old girl who is OBVIOUSLY stable if she's working a full time job trying to stay afloat…How far do I have to throw myself off the edge before i'm not a dollar sign anymore and people care? Why is that okay, to treat human beings like they're worthless? Who cares if I have insurance, or fucking money, I need help and I can't get it anywhere….
Does anyone have any suggestions? If you read the whole thing, thanks…I'm upset and my grammar is horrible right now, I just want someone to help me and I don't expect a free ride..I know these doctors need to be payed…I just wanted to be worked with, i just wanted answers..I don't know how many more days I can wake up and do this.
