"Mom? Mom?"
"I don't have time, Meredith!"
"Mom? I'm hungry!"
"Go bother Lanie and Lissa, they're in charge of you."
"But I want mom!"
"I said, leave me alone!"
"MOOOOOOOOM!"
From Martha Matthews' Prayer Journal
My husband is more important than my children. I need to remember that. It's so hard not to lose sight of my priorities, to try to take care of a screaming baby, when I should be working out and making healthy meals so I can lose weight and be trim and attractive for my husband. When my babies are crying it breaks my heart, and I don't even like children all that much.
Lanie and Lissa can take care of the little ones, but I'm the only one who can be Michael's wife! And I have to be the best wife I can be, or our family is doomed, my children are doomed. Michael is straying, still straying, despite my best efforts, he's still spending money we need to pay back our debts for pictures and videos of women on the internet. I have to be better, I have to do better. I was such a horrible wife all these years... but I have to be better, and stop sinning, even if it is only in my heart and not in deed.
I still struggle with the sin of resentment. I was at home, raising ten children, while Michael was unfaithful to me in word, thought, and flesh. And while I know it was my fault, for not being a better wife, I'm still so angry at him, and I cannot forgive him, even though there should be nothing to forgive. Men have their urges, there is nothing women can do about that, except be attractive for their husbands, and I wasn't attractive. I was nagging him and annoying him and it's no wonder that he strayed from his marriage vows.
But even though the theology is sound, I still feel... this feels wrong. But that is just my sinful nature talking. I have to stand fast in my faith in the Watcher, and do better. For my husband and my family. We need to be holy, not happy.
