Love and Loss
Plot: Years after the love of your life disappears, you find your way to Camelot to start over. Just when you think things might turn out alright, you see a ghost from your past. Gwaine, the love you thought you had lost forever.
Pairing: Sir Gwaine x Gn!Reader
Prompts: “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do did."+ “Don't look at me like that." "Like what?" "Like you still love me.” - I could not find a way to put in the third prompt, sorry! Requested By: Anonymous
Warnings: Angst, sad. Themes of Abandonment, family death, loneliness. Mentions of violence, death, being assaulted.
A/N: Though it sounds super angsty, which it is, it does have a somewhat happy/hopeful ending, and could have a part two if desired.
Words: 3.6k
-
Entering the gates into Camelot, you felt your chest fill with anticipation, excitement and anxiety. This was the beginning of a new start for you, and you had no idea how it would go.
It took a lot to convince yourself to accept Gwen's offer of a place at the palace. You weren't sure if that was what you wanted. But as your village grew smaller and smaller, and you had no one left there, you decided it was time to start again, even if it would be hard.
Spotting Gwen waiting for you near the market stalls, you grinned and waved your hand in the air.
You had met Gwen when you were a lot younger, when you and your father had come into Camelot for a fair. The two of you had become fast friends and often wrote letters to one another over the years.
When she saw you, she quickly made her was towards you wrapping you in a hug as soon as she reached you.
"Oh, I'm so glad you made it safely, how was your journey?"
"Long, but not too hard luckily. I managed to befriend a few travelers who brought me a great distance on their carriage."
"Oh good! Well, come on, I have so much to show you, the market and palace has changed quite a lot since you last visited."
"I've heard much. King Arthur, certainly seems to be making a difference all across the kingdom."
After she showed you around the market, you stopped outside the palace walls to discuss the options for jobs you could take.
Stopping mid sentence as you heard a familiar voice, you looked around, your eyes stopping on a passing group of knights.
As one of the men laughed, and turned to look back at another knight, you felt your heart drop and your breath catch it your throat.
Gwen, seeing your sudden change in demeanor, followed your gaze.
"Gwaine?" You muttered, shock and uncertainty obvious in your tone.
"Do you know Gwaine?" Gwen asked.
You turned to look at her, and she could see the obvious shock on your face. You nodded your head lightly as you looked back here he had just been, seeing he was gone, again.
"He- we- we were.."
Gwen frowned before she gently grabbed your arm "Wait, is Gwaine the one you told me about? The man who disappeared?"
You nodded again, feeling overwhelming emotions course through you.
Gwen, able to see this, gently tugged your arm "Come on."
Ushering you to her cottage where she was allowing you to stay for some time, she gave you a few moments to gather your thoughts as she sat beside you. You had told her briefly what had happened a few years previous, but you never told her Gwaine's name, or exactly what had happened.
Taking a deep breath, you looked over at her as she waited patiently across from you.
"Around five years ago, a man came into our village. He was injured after a skirmish with some bandits in the forest. Gwaine. My father allowed him into our home, and we helped him recover. During that time, to repay us for our kindness, he helped us around the house, helping my father fix the roof, work his job when he was sick. Eventually, me and Gwaine fell in love. Oh Gwen I loved him so much. But I was always afraid he would feel the need to leave again. Nothing ever seemed to keep him in place, he was a traveler, he love adventure. A quiet village life was not appealing to him, I knew that. After some time, he reassured me he would not leave me. That he loved me. He even told me that he would marry me one day." You looked down at your hands "And I believed him. I truly did, and I do think he did love me. But...he was never the type to settle."
You stood up and walked over to the window, trying to repress the tears that were forming in your eyes.
"One day, after about a year and a half of being in the village, he left to go to a nearby town to get supplies. But he never returned. I waited every day for him to come back. But he never did. So I waited for a letter, but never received one. I decided he must have been killed. Because the idea that he chose to leave me, hurt too much. But now....he's here, and he's a knight nonetheless." You let out a soft almost scornful laugh. "Now I know, I was not enough to make him stay."
Gwen rose and walked over to you, gently placing her hands on your arm "I'm so sorry Y/n. I had no idea. I mean...Gwaine has mentioned a great love in the past, but...I suppose he was too ashamed to say anything else."
"How long has he been here?"
Gwen thought for a moment "Nearly two years I think."
You nodded "I mourned him Gwen. Every day."
Gwen sighed "What will you do?"
"I don't know" You shook your head "Maybe I should not stay here."
"You mustn't let him chase you away Y/n. You need a new place to start over, where else would you go?"
You turned and looked at her "I don't know. But...I'm afraid."
She pulled you into a hug "I know. But perhaps this could give you your answers, and you can move on, stop mourning." Pulling away, she met your gaze "Please stay. For a week at least, and if after that you still want to leave, I will support your decision."
You thought for a moment, uncertainty still coursing through you. You really did have no where else to go.
Letting out a shaky breath, you nodded "Alright. I'll stay, for now."
She smiled softly "Good."
"What do I do if I run into him though?" You asked with a sightly panicked expression.
She shrugged her head slightly "Slap him?"
You let out a laugh and shook your head "I would be lying if I said he wouldn't deserve it."
Looking out the window again, you feared what would happen when you saw him again. What would be his answer to your long asked question. 'Why did you leave me?'
--- ---- --- ---
Over the next few days, you managed to avoid seeing Gwaine all together. You were not ready to face him. So when the knights left on a short scouting quest, you felt relieved you would not have to peer around every corner, at least for a short time.
You and Gwen walked through the market picking up supplies for dinner. Looking through some vegetables in a basket on the ground, you froze in place when you heard a familiar voice call out.
"Hello Gwen, how are you today?"
Gwen, looked down at you with an alarmed look before looking over at Gwaine as he approached.
"Gwaine! I thought you were on the scouting trip with the other knights?"
"Oh I got the easiest part, I'm already done." You could practically hear the grin in his voice as he spoke.
Standing, but with your back still towards him, you felt your hands beginning to shake as nervousness washed over you.
As Gwen spared you a brief look, Gwaine looked over her shoulder. He felt his heart jump a bit as he recalled the similarity to someone he had once known.
"Who's your friend?" He asked with an uncertain voice as he stared a the back of your head.
'Oh, um-" Gwen stuttered as she looked back to you.
You clenched the basket in your hands tighter as you let out a shaky breath. Slowly turning around you spoke, your voice soft, yet full of obvious emotion.
"You used to know my name."
As you turned and Gwaine's eyes fell on your once familiar gaze, he felt his heart clench in his chest. Your eyes were still the beautiful shade he would recall at night when he thought of you. Your voice still sent chills through him. You were still you.
"Y/n." He muttered softly, mouth agape.
"Ah, so you do still know it." You said softly, yet scornfully as you looked briefly down at your feet.
Looking back up at him, you met his eyes with an attempt at a cold gaze, but the tears that threatened to build caused a shine to glaze over your eyes, revealing your true emotions.
"Nice to see you're still alive."
Gwaine frowned slightly at this comment before recalling that he gave you no word of his whereabouts after he left. A familiar guilt rocked through him, causing him to take a deep breath in.
"Y/n." He repeated, a bit louder this time.
Clearing your throat, you turned and handed money to the clerk at the stall. Looking back at Gwen you forced a smile "I think that should do us for dinner then."
Gwen nodded, looking from you to Gwaine nervously, as she watched you begin to leave.
"Y/n, wait!" Gwaine quickly stepped past Gwen and grabbed your hand, stopping you.
As you felt his hand in yours, you felt your heart swell, but you yanked your hand away, turning towards him with a bold gaze.
"You don't get to demand me to wait after what you put me through."
Gwaine faltered, his voice was low "Y/n. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did."
"And yet you seemed to do it so easily." You said scornfully.
You saw him flinched a bit at your words but you would not allow yourself to feel guilt
Just as he opened his mouth to speak, you cut him off "I thought you died."
Your voice came out softly than you meant, and you saw his eyes widen slightly.
"I convinced myself that was the only thing that would stop you from coming back home. But now I see I was wrong. You chose to leave and never come back. And now your a knight? Something you swore you'd never be?" You scoffed as you stepped back from him "What else did you lie to me about?"
Gwaine began to follow after you as you turned away to leave, but Gwen grabbed his arm. Looking back at her, she shook her head "Not now Gwaine, give them some time."
"How long have they been here?"
"A few days. Y/n saw you in the courtyard the day they arrived, it's been a lot to process."
Gwaine looked back to see you disappeared at the end of the road. Guilt sat heavily in his chest, he needed to talk to you again, to explain. There was no good excuse, he knew that, but he needed you to now how much he regretted what he did. He needed you to know how much he still loved you.
--- --- ---
Gwaine's eyes searched through the trees as he looked for you. He managed to find out you had gone out to gather herbs, and he was determined to speak with you.
Finally spotting you through the trees, he made his way over to you. His steps were hurried, so he was not able to sneak up on you.
Turning at the sound of footsteps, you saw Gwaine falter for a moment as you looked at him. Your heart jolted in your chest, but you looked away from him, quickly picking the herbs you were after.
Finally reaching you, he stood behind you for a moment before he finally spoke "Y/n, I wish to speak with you."
You remained silent as you continued to walk to gather other herbs. Gwaine let out a sigh but followed you.
"Y/n please., I want to explain." He begged as he followed you. Reaching out, he grabbed your arms and forced you to turn and look at him.
You met his eyes and or a moment he saw your gaze soften, before it was quickly replaced with hurt.
"Please Y/n." He said again, his voice soft as he stared into your eyes.
Your heart was hammering in your chest as he looked at you. His familiar gaze, even wracked with guilt made you heart beat fast. The way he stared at you, as though he still cared for you like he used to made your heart ache.
"Don't look at me like that." You muttered out, almost in a whisper.
"Like what?"
"Like you still love me."
Gwaine felt his heart ache at this, your face so full of hurt, and doubt, all of it he caused. He frowned as he shook his head lightly "I do still love you."
You closed your eyes tightly as you pulled away from his grip "Then why did you leave me?"
Gwaine hesitated for a moment before he sighed "For no good reason. I just...after I left the village, I felt the desire to keep going, to keep moving again, and I just...didn't stop. But that doesn't mean I did not love you."
You let out a soft huff of air. "If you loved me you would have come back." You voice began to grow in anger.
"I did come back."
You frowned "What?"
"I did come back. After a month, but I- I saw you, outside the cottage, with your father, laughing. And I thought, that maybe I didn't hurt you as much as I thought I did. And I thought that maybe it would best if I didn't barge back in again."
You shook your head "My father makes one joke to cheer me up after I thought the love of my life either abandoned me or died, and you thought that I meant I was better off? Gwaine, I was devastated. I waited outside the cottage for you for months. Every day for weeks, I walked down to the river to look for you, hoping that I might see you come over the hill with a grin on your face. Every day you didn't come back broke my heart more and more!"
Gwaine's own eyes were burning with the threat of tears as you spoke to him. He could see the pain he caused in your eyes like it was a fresh wound.
"You don't know what it was like, being alone after that." You let out a soft whimper as you spoke.
"But you had your father to help y-"
"He's dead." You cut him off. "He died four months after you disappeared, I've been alone ever since."
You saw the realization and pain cross over his face. He stepped back as he looked down at his feet. He and you father got along great, you new it would hurt him to learn he died.
"I was alone, and I needed you." You added on once more, as tears streamed down your face.
Gwaine met yours eyes against and his heart broke. Stepping forward, he grabbed you and pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He muttered into your shoulder.
For a moment, you allowed him to hold you, allowing yourself the one thing you wanted for so long. Before you pulled away from him.
He watched as you stepped back, giving him one last look before you walked away. He watched you go, and even though everything in him was screaming to chase after you, he didn't.
--- --- ---
Adrenaline rushed through you as you rushed through the crowds, everyone was running in different directions trying to get somewhere safe.
Making your way down the street towards Gwen's home, your eyes landed on one of the soldiers who had attacked Camelot. One of the knights of an enemy kingdom, hoping to catch King Arthur off guard.
At the same time that your eyes landed on him, his met yours. You saw a smirk cross his face. Looking around, you realized you were the only one around now, everyone else had fled.
Looking to the ground, you saw a deceased soldier. Quickly grabbing his sword, you spun back towards the enemy soldier who was stalking towards you. You kept your blade out in threat as you backed away.
Your breath was heavy as your hands shook, you were not a soldier, you were not a knight, why was he coming after you?
A voice whispered in the back of your mind that made your skin crawl 'He just wants to kill'
Suddenly lunging at you, you blocked his attack, but stumbled back. Quickly, he knocked the sword from your grasp and hit you in the face before grabbed you. Pulling your arm back, you punched him in the face as hard as you could before stomping on his foot, trying your best to get away from him. You yelled out as you struggled in his grip.
As Gwaine rushed through the streets to locate anymore of the enemy soldiers. His eyes were drawn at the sound of a yell.
Looking down the road, he felt his heart drop and stomach twist as he saw one of the soldiers grappling with you. He began running towards you, watching as you hit, and fought against the man. His blood boiled as the soldier yanked at you violently.
As the man lifted his sword, preparing to strike you down, you clenched your eyes shut. Hearing a clank of metal before the man groaned and let you go. You stumbled back, opening your eyes.
You saw Gwaine step in front of you as he began to fight the man. You felt relief and worry wash over you as you pressed yourself against the wall, and watched as Gwaine fought to protect you.
After a few minutes of fighting, Gwaine dealt a deadly blow. You flinched and looked away.
"Y/n?"
Hearing Gwaines voice, you looked back up to see him slowly approaching you.
"Are you alright?"
Coming back to your senses, you nodded "Yes, I'm alright."
Gwaine sighed as he came up to you, gently taking your hand in his. Looking around, he gently tugged on your hand "Come on, let's get you somewhere safe."
Following his lead, you looked down at your intertwined hands, feeling a once familiar spark of intimacy and safety.
Finding your way back to Gwen's home, he ushered you inside, looking around, you spoke with a worried tone "Where's Gwen?"
"I saw her in the palace, she's alright."
You let out a sigh of relief as you sat down in a chair, lowering your head in relief and exhaustion. Seeing Gwaine kneel down in front of you, you slowly looked up at him.
He had a frown on his face as he slowly reached up, taking your face in his hand. He gently caressed is thumb over the mark left on your face from the soldier.
You saw guilt, and anger wash over his face before he met your eyes. As your eyes locked, you felt a familiar warmth build in your chest, reminding you of the day you and Gwaine had first kissed.
You had been injured when thrown from a horse, and Gwaine came to help you. You had mud on your face and he brushed it away. Your eyes locked, and before you really knew it, you were kissing. It was he beginning of your relationship, of your great love.
Gwaine was surely thinking the same thing, as his eyes gently fell to your lips.
Seeing this, you felt nervous, and reminded yourself of what your relationship with him now was.
Looking down a your feet, you spoke softly "Should you not go back? Surely others need help."
Gwaine let you a soft breath "Most of the soldiers were captured or killed, the one who hurt you was one of the last. I'm not going to leave you."
Seeing the way your eyes shot to him momentarily, he felt his chest clench.
He gently caressed your chin "I wont. Not again."
Placing his hand in yours, you let out a soft breath and shook your head before you looked back up at him.
"You can't just charm me back into your good graces Gwaine."
A soft, almost sad smile crossed his face "I know."
"I wont force you to come back to me. I understand that I hurt you. And I deserve all the anger in the world for what I did. I just need you to know that I do still love you, I never stopped. And I will always be here if you need me. We can both make Camelot our home. And eventually, if you want to, we can start again. Because I will be right here, waiting."
"I-" You started, before letting out a sigh "I do still love you Gwaine, no matter how much you hurt me, I could never stop."
You saw hope fall over his face and you softly shook your head.
"But I am not ready to forgive you, not yet. We are both different people now, it would not be the same."
Gwaine's face fell a bit, but he nodded in understanding. "I understand. But believe me Y/n, I wont give up. We are back in each others lives for a reason. Whether it is fate, a second chance, or just coincidence, I will do whatever I need to do to make sure I don't lose you again. And I will wait however long it takes."
As he slowly began to stand, he tilted your head up, before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. You close you eyes briefly at the action.
When you opened them again, he was staring down softly into your eyes "Stay in here, to be safe. I will come back to check on you shortly, I need to make sure the attack is over."
Nodding wordlessly, you watched him go. And as he left, you did not doubt he would come back. And the previous anger you felt for him had faded. You could not forgive him yet, but you knew you would.
And you couldn't help but wonder what would happen after you did.
xx End xx
Could possibly do a second part to this at some point if people want it.
General Taglist: @criminaly-supernatural, @caswinchester2000, @imaginesfire, @onuen, @rexit-mo, @witchygagirl, @alexxavicry
BBC Merlin/Gwaine Taglist: @flourishandblotts-inc, @spuffyfan394, @dominos-palast, @ambitionspassionscoffee, @locke-writes, @morgaussy, @starship-argo, @a-lumos-in-the-nox, @that-marvel-simp, @phoenix1389, @multifandomfix