Discover Top Posts Tagged with #messyordinary&radical

So I’m curled up in bed, watching a movie while my husband is fast asleep next to me.

I can’t help but think about how insanely lucky I am to have this man in my life. I’m madly in love with this dude. How lucky am I that this is my forever.

#marriedlife #marriage #militarywife #married #militarylove #militarycouple #messyordinary&radical #milso #love #in love #personal

Let me tell ‘bout my best friend and HUSBAND! 09-30-2017

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It’s time..

The time we’ve been anticipating. Now months of just talking about it have turned into our reality, hitting us like a freight train. I know we’re going to knock out this deployment like the power couple we are, but god this sucks...I don’t want my best friend to leave me and for the next day or so I’m going to be a baby about it so then I can snap out of it and handle it. 🤙🏻

#milso #love #messyordinary&radical #personal #militarylove #militarycouple #armymilso #colorado #edmcouple #armywife #army #militarywife #ldr couple #ldr #deployment

The love of my life and I at Sun City Music Festival 2017; El Paso, TX. I can't begin to explain to people how special it was to bring Tyler and eight of our closest friends to the festival that started it all for me.

Messy, Ordinary & Radical; Living in the now, for me.

What I had, where I was going and what I wanted were three different things and amidst all my “reflection” I forgot the most important thing of all…

Over the last couple of days I have had the time, almost too much time, to sit down and pour all of my energy into reflecting on those three things. When you’ve got nothing to do and no where to be you’re completely forced to face every little thing you ever pushed aside or silenced using your distraction of choice. In the last couple of days I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I have ignored and neglected parts of me, and my life, in order to maintain portions of my life that I’m not happy with; to be blunt and real.

I know what I want and, beyond the basic and trivial things, I want to be happy; not only with myself but with the life I’ve built.

I know, generally speaking, where my life is headed. There are some fundemental choices I am, or already have, made that will greatly impact the direction of my life. But I can confidently say that I am passionate, excited, and driven by these choices.

I know that what I had wasn’t everything that society had made it out to be. The “dream job” with a decent salary, benefits, set schedule, PTO, etc. turned out to be something that played out far better in my dreams than in my reality. It left me spent, frustrated and irritable. I found myself neglecting things in many different aspects of my life just to muster up enough energy and drive to keep maintaining the same stagnate routine. In turn, my motivation, passion, energy and happiness drained away slowly but surely from and for everything in my life.

Suddenly I was faced every single day with the reality of my life. What I wanted and where I was headed weren’t going to be achieved by holding onto the things that I had; things that society said I needed in order to be “successful” or “where I needed to be at this age.”

I had a choice; hold on or let go. There was no right or wrong answer, but inevitable outcomes either way.

*Insert weeks of outward processing to anyone who would listen, attempting to come up with a million different scenarios, plans, back up plans, and back up plans to my back up plans.*

One night Tyler and I were sitting in bed. He, yet again, was patiently listening to me repeat myself; the same frustrations, made up scenarios, made up outcomes, and all the “plan of action” strategies I had to counter those “worst case scenario” endings. I was getting worked up, yet again, and beginning to take it out on the person I love most. Because deflection always works, right? I could see the frustration building up in his eyes, along with the look of complete helplessness as he saw the person he loved with every fiber of his being suffering and being so incredibly unhappy.

“Quit! Tomorrow, just quit.”

Such a simple directive, but one that angered me. How could I just quit? We had plans we wanted to move on, bills to pay, obligations to uphold! What about my parents?! Walking away from a stable job with no plan, debt, no degree yet, etc… how could I justify that decision to them? What would people think of me? What would Tyler think of me?! I’m confident in who I am, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also human. I was proud of all that I had achieved without the things society claimed I needed to achieve them. I felt I had earned bragging rights for getting to where I was after everything I’ve been through. I should be ecstatic! But here I was sobbing on our bed, fighting with my person, worrying about everything from bills to what some person on FaceBook, that I haven’t actually spoken too in years, would think of my life if they saw I wasn’t working some salary, benefit providing job; as if they’d even know that was what my job was providing from my FaceBook profile! Worried that the man who wants forever with me would think less of me. It was ridiculous, I know, but it was how my mind was working at the time.

“I can’t! You just don’t get it! I’m trying so hard to be happy and I’m not!”

What he asked me next struck a cord. It honestly was the push and wake up call I needed. I had no idea that in that moment he would force me to face the reality I had been ignoring and avoiding with the distractions and noise that I surrounded myself with; purposefully and sometimes unintentionally.

“No! You’re trying to make sure everyone else is happy with you and your decisions. You’re the one who doesn’t get it. You aren’t happy, and aren’t any closer to being happy, because you never were pursuing your happiness in the first place! Who are you building a life for? You or everyone else?

To sum up the end of the story, I quit. Scared, vulnerable, and without a plan. But though the anxiety and fear of the unknown is still there, there’s also a sense of calm.

I am so loved, unconditionally, by Tyler, my family and my friends.

I am messy.

I am ordinary; having flaws and insecurities like everyone else.

But what I’ve just recently realized is that by accepting those things, letting go and taking action, I was going to begin something quite radical.

(Though there are a few definitions available for this word, this one fit best with the point I’m trying to make.)

rad.i.cal : favoring extreme changes in existing views, habits, conditions, or institutions.

It is time for extreme changes in my life. It is time to challenge my views and habits. It’s time to grow. Amidst all my reflection I had forgotten the most important thing of all…

Live in the now and live for myself because a whole different life is possible.

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” -Arundhati Roy

#messyordinary&radical #newbeginnings #vulnerable #personal