#meubox

[viily]

they told me thhe roster is like thijs as of now

[viily]

THERE IS a theoretical approach i am questioning abt how i should go about writing a story in which i feel inclined to expand Ahhh Errr a "Post Modern" sort of thing that is like, kind of obviously being written as a synthesis of (/ heavily influenced by) "things that have actually happened / are happening," prioritizing i think "being descriptive about things that are 'known' but do not feel (to the author; me) 'comprehensively understood in general public consciousness'" and i think my best exampleof what i mean is What Happens Next (because of course) - Really though im kind of just saying that Because i feel like i know life through the experience of a terminallyonline person, my MOST SINCERE TO MY THOUGHTS approach would have to mean being unapologetically blatant (like how real people are and exist without adhering to making sure an audience understands). so like kind of inaccessible maybe and i could easily accidentally make an autobio mouthpiece sort of story but but but this is kinda what i want. Hm?!

[viily]

Focused affliction on internal structures (original creations) = pleases the Meu but not the Viily

Focused affliction on external subjects = pleases the Viily but not the Meu

Someone good at the economy help me budget this my Mera is dying

[viily]

ok grandma ljets get you back to b

[viily]

if i comfortably mediate myself and recover from pains and paranoias i thjink it can still be fun to have fun. he;s a funny guy and ultimately stupid which ican embrace as facet of both assessment that it is mostly performed stupidity but also a little bit genuine (and that's alright tbh, rather feel medial about this than be the type to blindly partake in unconditional worship). i could detach myself for the most part but if i ever wanted to walk into a chamber of the Elusive indulgentmindset of intenseattachment, i could put on my suspensionofdisbelief hat. this is my suspension of disbelief hat. it means im playing. im just playing here.

or wait, no... wouldnt the issue be belief being too suspended permanently? this is my acknowledgement of unreality hat. it means that this isnt real.

[viily]

as liberating as it feels to be comfortable/close enough around someone to unmask in their presence, there comes with this a new self conscious guilt layer of "god is it ok that im being like this on front of you?? should i stop?? haha im so sorry about this idunno i dont think i can control it hahahaha sorry fuck"

[viily]

icant stop talking about how being better feels so nice even thoyugh its still only like 33% of the way until i could say im in a comfortable point of living and remission but dude its so nice to not be at 0% or a negative percent

[viily]

i’ve known, at various changing levels of self awareness, these whole 3 years that there had been one half of me that could appreciate kinggizzardmusic for what it is and band novelties like how cuuuute they are with their camaraderie and picturesque snippets of tour life in cozy videos and pictures; something i feel very warmed by and can feel that there is a lot of genuine love there; which isn’t to say there was genuine love in the other half, it’s just, well, you know.

that’s when you get into figuring out what you “should” be doing, what’s “best” to do, behavior stuff, “purity,” etc etc. can associate so many contrasting descriptions to that half like some kind of Mania, Hysteria, Freneticism, Etcetera. and can be described much more than that but i don’t need to or want to. i’m still in the middle of deciding how i should continue with this half of me, as it has existed before and exists now in just a much different way, some way that has now “Been Through” a lot. i don’t think i can get rid of it entirely because i think that is wishful thinking and unrealistic.

the first, PureHalf, has not changed much. it’s always more “ideal” from the perspective of the second half feeling miserable a lot. the extent of the misery the first half feels: I wish i could have seen kinggizzard in 2014!

(You don’t have to read into this like anything the average gizzardtumblr fan does falls into this second half i’m alluding to as this is mostly a self involved personal thing, but i understand that a connection could be made by others. in fact i know in a sense that my friends have related to me before, even with the very specific personal stuff!)