#michael stephenson

[haveyouseenthismovie-poll]

Have you seen Troll 2 (1990)?

Yes

No

Haven’t even heard of this movie

Voting ended onAug 19, 2024

[cinematic-literature]

Girlfriend’s Day (2017) by Michael Stephenson

Book title: Card-Writing: The Elements of Sentiment by Orwell G. Taft

[roskirambles]

Bad Horror Movie of the day: Troll 2 (1990)

The youngest son of the Wait's family, Joshua, fondly reminds the stories of his grandfather. Through these tales, he warns his grandson about the evil Goblins, who trick people into becoming plants so they can eat them. When the family moves to the town of Nilbog against Joshua's warnings, they're joined by friends of Joshua's sister Holly (and her boyfriend Elliot) into what looks like a normal family trip. But more and more it's become evident they're being hunted by the very creatures, led by the druid witch Creedence Leonore Gielgud.

Also, there's no trolls in this movie.

An unofficial sequel to the Urban Fantasy movie Troll (thanks again, Italy), this movie is the sole reason THAT movie is actually remembered as the so called prequel is a bit of a bog standard fantasy picture; not terrible, but not outstanding either, other than the curiosity of having a protagonist called Harry Potter over nine years before the boy who lived hit British store shelves. This movie though? We may as well be talking about the horror equivalent of The Room (2003): it comes from that same magical place where ambition and artistic sincerity meet absolute technical incompetence.

It's almost no exaggeration saying nothing in this movie works the intended way. Make up is extremely cheap looking, the acting is either stilted, hammy or somehow both (unsurprising since they just casted locals), the cinematography creates everything but a foreboding mood and the music, while actually pretty nice on its own, simply does not fit the tone of the film whatsoever; it's like having a heart pounding chase sequence while Wham is playing. And of course, it ends up the other way; a train wreck you can't take your eyes off because it just keeps getting sillier or more bizarre in its abject absence of traditional quality.

It's a cult classic for the funniest reasons, an outstanding example as to why the term "so bad it's good" even exists.

[vhs-ninja]

Troll 2 (1990).

[adamwatchesmovies]

Troll 2 (1990)

There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are movies so bad they’re unwatchable. There are movies that are so bad they’re good again. Troll 2 isn’t the worst movie ever made (though it's a contender) but it might be one of the best bad movies you’ll ever see. You’ve probably seen Darren Ewing’s delivery of “They’re eating her... and then they’re going to eat me! OH MY GAWWWWD!” a hundred times. It still won’t prepare you for how genuinely awful, and simultaneously awesome the film is.

Unsurprisingly, this bad sequel has little to do with the first film. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Our heroes are a typical family: Dad (George Handy), Mom (Margo Prey), teenage daughter Holly (Connie McFarland) and the youngest son Joshua (Michael Stephenson) - along with their ghostly grandfather (Robert Ormsby) whom only Joshua can see - travels to the strange town of Nilbog. There, they find themselves the prey of goblins. There are no trolls in this movie. The goblins are vegetarians so their goal is first to transform the family into plants, and THEN eat them!

The writing is awful, and I don’t only mean the dialogue. We’ve got ample scenes where characters talk like aliens who only have a vague idea of what English sounds like, transplanted in a nonsense plot. The production is lousy. You could get better costumes at any half-decent costume shop for less than 50 bucks. The special effects? pathetic. One recurring illusion, a bolt of lightning representing the magical powers of several characters, appears to be a drawing on a black background. The actors are all terrible, to the point where I don’t know if even a talented director could've gotten animated performances out of them. I can't say for sure, however, as the directing is some of the worst I’ve ever seen.

I was worried that having heard so much about the movie ahead of time would spoil Troll 2 for me. It didn't. This movie is the best kind of bad movie. It's consistently bad, but always in new ways. The special effects and the acting are shoddy from the beginning, but the ways and number of times it discovers to get even worse will surprise you. Knowing the plot cannot prepare you for just how nutty it is. So many elements come out of nowhere, are unexplained or lead to logical questions, and are then handled so badly that by the time the movie's over, you're overwhelmed. I tried to list my favorite parts. The list kept getting longer and longer. There’s so much bad in this movie that a single sitting isn't enough. The clips you’ve seen everywhere on Youtube become notorious out of luck. Nearly every scene in the film has something that could've become a meme. And if you thought the sequence would get better in context, or that it wouldn’t be as bad as it is clipped out and played on its own, you're wrong.

There’s a ton of re-watch value in Troll 2. You'll catch new things every time you see it, and it’s the kind of movie you want to share with unsuspecting victims just to see their priceless reactions. If you’re not one for watching movies ironically, this is the one that'll get you hooked on the “bad movie” genre. You can’t really be prepared for Troll 2. I mean this in the best way. (On DVD, November 21, 2014)

[mgmpluto]

Post 10 GIFs of Your Favorite Movies Without Revealing the Title 

[casualtyconfessions]

Submitted by anon. Feel free to send in your confessions!

(Sidenote, all current confessions are queued so should be uploaded at some point, don’t worry) :)

[petty-crush]

“Troll 2”(1990)

[Rewatch]

-Still a heavyweight in the division of horrendously garish and enjoyable shlock cinema

-This was my first time seeing it on the big screen, with a full house (2/3rds who had never seen it) and it was just as wonderful as I imagined it would be with others

-as the trailers made clear, this is in the waters of small creatures run amuck (“gremlins” though much closer to “Ghoulies” or “Critters”)

-yet of all those movies this one has the most dreamlike feel, where the rules of the world are ever warping and abrupt

-the yarn is a family must survive a town of vegetarian goblins

-the way the film starts with a jolt, no company credits, the gang of snaggle toothed monsters a mere 30 seconds later, gives it a feeling unlike many other peers of the era

-a particular goblin has the face of a lobotomized plank of wood, and every time (she?) appears onscreen the crowd roars

-The film will forever be in the history books for “They’re eating her!…and then they are going to eat me! Ohhhhhh my gawwwwwwwwddddd!” But I must confess other scenes tickle my funny bone even more

-Still my absolute favorite is the interaction between the older sister and the boy who tries her patience, wondering if he can have his buddies tag along. Her rebuke is hysterical

“Oh no! You bring your friends everywhere, even to bed. And I *don’t* believe in group sex!!”

-it’s the sheer straightforward way she says it that has me in stitches. No human being has ever talked like this and I am grateful for it.

-a true gem of “bad” (read-very very very silly) movies is that different elements jump out each viewing, there is variety to the madness

-this time the bit about the confused ghost of grandpa in the goblin house made me giggle

“Grandpa! You appeared in the wrong room!”

“I don’t know the layout of this house!”

+somehow his awesome ghost powers are really terrible at spacial awareness. That’s just preposterous, and I dig it

-again, why grandpa Seth has powers and why they work is completely unexplained, much like a kid in the middle of nightmare. Yet it’s that random element that gives the film its flavor

-I also couldn’t help but wonder, when the family is surrounded and numbed by the town folks singing, if that is the exact feeling this Italian crew had while working with those annoying Mormons in Utah

-another element that stood out; the infamous corn on the cob seduction happens way later in the film than I remember. It actually intrudes upon the mob surrounding the house.

-Just when the film should be its most tense, it detours into a bizarre non erotic moment of a lady in lingerie making a teenage boy completely gobsmacked. Its unexpected left turn making it all the funnier

-another hallmark of cult silly films is that there are moments that are slow and slightly monotonous, that the wackier stuff sticks out more

-this doesn’t really apply to the film except in the final ten minutes. Until then it is propelled foolishness

-though perhaps it might be to seeing it so late.

+I’m getting to the point where I think midnight movies are better seen at like 2 pm on the weekend. I’m well feed, slightly adrift in thought, the sun is still shining..and then I go into this rabbit hole of alternative consciousness.

But, that’s like, my opinion, man

-the film’s ultimate ending is not so much a conclusion but a slow moving bumper car to a forgone stop. It has the feel of the drop when the high comes down

-I honestly recalled the biting of the meat sandwich as the actual end

-it’s a more fitting description; this film is a bite of a tasty snack, and it packs all the salty delight it can muster. Fabulous.