Ricardo. RICARDO, you stupid fuck, look at me. No—no, I said look at me.
There. Ricardo, you have to stay strong, okay? For me. No, for your spores. Look at ’em, Ricardo, they’re sitting right there, watching their parent wilt away. Are you gonna die right before their eyes? That’s some traumatizing shit right there. You can’t do that to your own spores.
Well, yeah I know I could just go buy some more, that’s not the point. Anyway, that’s kinda fucked up. I could dump Jenny and just go buy a hooker, right? No. that’s not right, Ricardo, that’s dead wrong. I can’t just go buy a new Jenny, and you can’t have me buy new kids for you.
They need their hermaphrodite parent plant, Ricardo. They need you. You got so much to live for! Dude, you’re one of the most bad-ass houseplants ever. You’re a fucking cactus. That’s hardcore shit. Yeah, you’re way tougher than anyone else.
No shitting, Ricardo. What?
Vanessa? Hell yeah you’re more bad-ass than Vanessa! So she’s a venus fly-trap, so what? Dude, if I poke you, I bleed human blood. That’s hardcore as shit.
VENESSA SHUT UP YOU DUMB WHORE PLANT, RICARDO IS DYING.
Sorry. Poor etiquette at the death pot. Wait, no, you’re not dying. I’m sorry I said that. No—NO! Ricardo, look at me! You’re gonna pull through, okay? I know that for a fact. Seriously, whatever you need, I’ll get it for you.
Sun? fresh soil? More water? Sure thing.
Wait, what?
Too much water?
What the fuck—I’ve been OVER watering you?!
Oh my GOD, Ricardo, you little shit, why didn’t you say that days ago?! Shit, I’m so sorry. Here, I’m moving you to dry soil right now. There.
Now do you think you’ll pull through?
Oh, thank god, Ricardo. It’s swell to have you back.
…
SHUT UP JOHNSTON, YOU ATTENTION SEEKING BITCH! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE NOT DYING, YOU PLASTIC FUCKER!!!!!!
