Aug 21, 2017
Tbh......
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Tbh......
"Were you abused as a kid? Is that why you like this kind of stuff"
.... Yes I was, and no it's not. I was 3.. I'm not going to remember much from being 3, I know it has to do with my irrational fear of closets, my distrust of baby sitters after that, and probably a little bit to do with the nymphomania.. But not bdsm/being a sub/liking being hit hard enough to be bruised.. I was maybe hit twice as a kid and that was it. It's just my personality, and most people in my real life don't even know I'm into bdsm because of shit like this. People this its part of why I've spent most of my life single too.. No, I just don't want to share this with anyone anymore.. I'm not wired for hookup culture, so I'm most definitely not able to share this with someone and not want something more.. That took a little bit to figure out on my own. It's has nothing to do with something that happened 17 years ago.
Today was the first time I wore a dress without tights in public in the last couple of weeks.
And man does it feel good. I can only do a combo of t-shirts, sweaters, and jeans for so long.
You may ask why? Dresses are so simple, nice etc etc.
Well it is because my ex-boyfriend (yes I am weirdly single after 3.5 years) called me fat and unattractive yet again (yes, again) and I internalized it so bad that I thought I was so fat that I literally just shouldn’t be seen by people ever again. Walking around campus was anxiety-inducing and I only felt somewhat safe when I finally went into a building where I could hide in a corner with my blanket of hair and do my work. I also wrote “FAT” on my upper thighs and stomach in pink marker and would stare at it for days, willing my body to change into some sort of lanky size two.
But today, I felt differently. No, I am not by any means “okay” with the fresh break-up and hurtful words said but today, I laid in bed and said, “Fuck this, I wear what I want.”
I forgot how awesome it felt to feel good about your body.