continue to have a super normal one in the fall out of the RSD episode that didn't deserve to be an episode, and god i'm tired
like i'm just gonna keep truckin until this settles out again like i always have but dealing with this kind of shit has always made me understand why people drink and knowing what it is and why i'm like this genuinely has only made me understand it more, i gotta say
anyway hey google how do i convince my nervous system i'm not being hunted for sport because i -- *checks notes* -- didn't know the Exact Perfect Response to a conversation and yet responded anyway?
i fully did this to myself and that's honestly the worst part
i have no right to be angry and yet here i sit, fucking. near incandescent with rage that i have no right to. and yeah i should validate my emotions or what the fuck ever but sometimes my emotions are dumber than dogshit, actually!!! i have things i could be angry about and have a right to be angry about! these are not fucking it!
i hate myself and i wish i was dead and i don't want to do this anymore
I need to go to the library and work. It's barely the second week of school and I'm a week and a half behind. I need to get myself together and just do homework for like two, three hours, and then go to my nail appointment, and then go home and go to bed like a sane, reasonable adult
I'm having a sobbing breakdown in the parking lot on campus because no matter how much I know this is a migraine, I feel fucking broken
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm like this, I don't know why I can't just. be normal and act normal and not be a fucking freak because it's just fucking sex but no
no I get to be broken and wrong and left to deal with disappointing any partner I have no matter how much I don't want to and feeling like a failure because I am one, because I'm doomed to be the add on or the one who can't provide forever
lost the battle against bursting into tears over something just. stupid. not that I ever start crying about things that matter but I started struggling because of some. stupid probably RSD shit that never mattered because as usual I'm just too fucking sensitive all the time and it's always me that's wrong, and then I learned something I didn't know and it felt like being left out and then tech issues at work and just --
I should take a fioricet and shut up. I have to go back to work and figure out my shit instead.
i am experiencing a Specific Perceptual Distortion again. i experience this Specific Perceptual Distortion quite often. i experienced it quite often before the migraines, actually, they've just made it worse like they have everything else
the problem, you see, with this Specific Perceptual Distortion is that i'm aware of it. i know what it is, i know how it shows up, i know where it shows up, i know how it feels, and i know it's a distortion. i'm self-aware! i know this fucker is lying! but you see. you fucking see.
i can't fucking DO anything about that. like, knowing it's fake and a distortion doesn't take away the Bad Feelings. it doesn't make it less awful to deal with. it just means i'm dealing with the Specific Perceptual Disortion AND feeling deeply insane because i! know! this! is! bullshit!
so i'm just stuck. and because it's social -- of course it's social -- it involves other people, and i feel like an asshole because why is my brain making up horseshit about people. why. why is it doing that to me, and better, more importantly, why is it doing that to THEM.
and of course i can ask for reassurance. of course i can, i'm always allowed, i know that, but i just. idk. it doesn't help? it doesn't really do anything different than me knowing i'm not reading the situation right does? because it's. i already know that this is a distortion; the reassurance just...reaffirms that i'm correct.
i'm still sitting there, dealing with the distortion and the knowledge that it is a distortion. just. extra! extra aware that it's still a distortion, and now the person who's being distorted is aware that my awful, traumatized hindbrain apparently thinks they're a dickbag! cool. cool cool cool.
i just. i don't fucking know. i'm going to be an adult and send a message to my therapist and go to the therapy appt i rescheduled but god. everyone talks about being self-aware and talking about the realizations you have when you are self-aware like they're the be-all-end-all solutions to problems and it's just. what if they're not? what happens when you're self-aware and it doesn't solve shit?
i just got a very, very sweet message about km2 ("love is heavy and light" in the fire & powder verse) and i have several asks in my / the f&p blog inbox about it as well (all of those are older, but the reason i haven't published them is because i'm still rolling around in them happily)
but i just. rambling below
when i turned comments off, i DID NOT WANT TO. i was convinced that was a failure, but the other option in my mind was literally nuking the entire series and disappearing into the woods. i kept getting the same kind of responses i didn't want and couldn't cope with, despite having it stated in several places on the fic. and it wasn't like, an overwhelming majority or anything it was just that so long after the fic finished posting, several of the new things i was getting on it were like that, and i just. i was having the worst time about it.
and thank fucking gods that twist talked me down, then, and convinced me to turn off comments, because holy shit y'all. holy shit.
i've been in migraine hell for 60/66 days. i developed chronic migraine seemingly out of nowhere (or, well, not precisely nowhere, but i've never had migraine properly and nothing like this) at the end of january and have had only 6 symptom-free days since. part of these migraines for me is extremely severe depressive episodes, to the level where i have been to the ER twice for both the pain and psychiatric distress. i have been experiencing flashbacks and have been -- well not quite diagnosed, yet, but currently i have "acute post traumatic stress disorder" in the notes for my case, and i will likely end up with a more Proper Diagnosis in my files. my brain has been trying to eat me, my relationships, and everything i have and love alive for 60 days.
so i just got this very lovely message (and it was lovely, this person did absolutely nothing wrong! i adore them!) and cried a little and then had a small glimpse, for just a second, into an alternate universe where i didn't have twist, or twist didn't talk me into turning comments on km2 off. where i would still be getting comments on km2 that were negative, that were the kind of negative i have specifically asked not to see any further, and god. holy fucking shit. if i was like this, in migraine hell time, and got that kind of response -- i would nuke the entire series and never be seen again. i would never touch any of it again and just never return. and that's horrifying to realize, both in the sense of "holy shit, i am so fragile right now" and also "oh my god, twist saved me and everyone from that reality"
so yeah. just sort of. rambling about it. go read twist's fics and tell her she's great.
