I had a sudden emotional wave being crashed on me which made me cry for seemingly no reason. Right before it happened I was about to lay on my bed and relax to relieve my mind, when my mom called me to ask something. Since I already was a bit upset, I acted hostile. She begged for me to stay friendly for at least those few last hours when we're still together which actually triggered the tears in me. I never ment to upset anyone here but it just happened, for reasons unknown, though I knew it's not about her or anyone else. If it was because of someone, then it would be me. I also felt a sudden grief because of the fact that they're leaving...
Next thing that happened after I regained some tiny bits of strenght was coming out to her to say sorry. It could be fine already and stay like this, but she started feeling guilty for leaving me. That was it, the point where I couldn't stand it. First I starten mumbling that it's not them, it's me, my fault, don't worry... So what is it, she asked and insisted me to answer. I said again, that it's me, I don't know what exactly but I suddenly felt awful. Maybe it's because I'm useless, I said, that I haven't achieved anything this month, even though I have so much free time. Maybe it's because I can't draw... and not only I had a chance to vent, but she really did increase my self-esteem today. She yelled, yes yelled at me, that I'm not useless. That I've done so much in this house. I'm studying at a technical university and I should be proud of it. That I CAN draw, and she pointed at her notebook, because the next page she turned was indeed covered in my doodles. "Don't let anyone tell otherwise". She said all this being so comically angry, that I instantly smiled and appreciated it all. "All famous artists had a time like this (talking about typical artblock). It's probably because you could become one too".
The thing is, that I'd never expect my mom to be so certain about my value and to express it like that. Not only I'm feeling better, but she does too. When my dad walked in on this scene and asked what happened, she even jokingly said "it's because you called her useless!" (which in our case would never take place). Everyone smiled and feel a lot better now.
To anyone who's reading this... It's good to talk. Even if it's something you don't really want others to know. If there's at least one person on earth you could trust, just go and try to talk. The possible advantages and improvement of your self-esteem or the state of your mind are worth it. You can never predict the outcome. Sometime good things also come unexpected.
