steph called on the way home from the deli, around 4:18, so i suggested we go to the ‘treasure sale’ flea market thing around the corner that was closing at 5. she told me to get ready, so i started finishing what i was in the middle of, expecting to be done and have shoes on by the time she got home. but literally 2 minutes later she comes in the house and is immediately rude and annoyed by me not being ready, and as soon as i said i had to use the bathroom started giving me a hard time. i got annoyed, went into the bathroom complaining, and was a little upset bc i wanted to do something fun, and she was being an ass by giving me a hard time abt the bathroom, and i was upset bc i havent been feeling well and didnt get anything done today etc - and she went on the attack, saying other people deal with this so much better than i do, that im a baby, etc. when i got out i told her she shouldn’t give me a hard time because i dont give her a hard time when she doesnt feel well - and somehow first she decided i was saying she never feels unwell and reminded me she has chronic pain, and then i repeated myself more clearly and she insisted she’s never had a day where she was a miserable whiny lump because of pain or discomfort, just to emphasize how silly i am that i cant deal with my stuff, and i just. things just got out of my control, and i got more frustrated and unable to make words work for me right and got even more frustrated as she turned things around and around and then i started throwing things bc the frustration needs to get Out of me somehow and she had a comment for that too, and i was just....pissed and upset, and she was gonna walk away looking like a daisy in this and it made me so mad that i was a rage monster and she was totally fine, and i threw a milk crate at the stairs and didnt make sure it wouldnt hit her legs, and when she came back down i apologized but she decided NO i cant say sorry because i dont mean it because im going to do it again and i got madder because you dont get to dictate what i feel or say, you dont have to accept an apology but you dont get to say that im gonna just do it again and that i shouldnt apologize and least of all you cant tell me that i dont mean it, because fuck you, i do. even if what she said about other ppl with crohns dealing with it better hurt me and was JUST as bad as what i did and was the verbal equivalent of me throwing something at her, except hers was TOTALYL UNPROVOKED and mine was in response to HER BULLSHIT. i still fucking apologize because i fucking mean it, not just because its the thing to say when u do something wrong, i say it because i am sorry, because i regret it, because i want you to know that i recognize it wasn’t right, i say sorry because i mean sorry. NOTICE how she NEVER EVER APOLOGIZES for anything like seriously she apologized maybe twice in the past 5 years? despite saying nasty things to me and ma and dad all the fucking time? despite taking her problems out on me and then blaming me when i explode bc im supposed to be working on not reacting but i haven’t been feeling well so its been more difficult not to! especially when she stabs at me like that. anyway so i yelled at her and she went to starbucks or something and then i yelled and cried alone in the house for a bit till i calmed, and then ma got home and i told her what happened and cried at her and talked abt it, and THEN steph got home! and while i went and tried to distract myself steph starts talking abt what happened to ma, and ma was trying to you know, let steph say her side of things and hear her out and then tried talking abt it to steph and just. every single response steph had was that i was the one that flipped out first, that she did nothing wrong, that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE ELSE DEALS WITH THINGS BETTER THAN ME. ma was like everyone deals with things differently, etc. and im making comments from the other room because FUCK NO you just have no empathy sometimes steph, if you honestly believe there’s nothing wrong with telling someone that everyone else deals with the same health concerns better than they do, then you have a big problem. wtf. anyway so then she got on the track of she’s trying to look out for me or whatever, she’s saying it because she cares! sure! at least i think she was saying that. anyway! she just... and she got all mad that everyone says i react to her but no one says she reacts to me.... and i said some things abt her being nasty to everyone a lot which is true....it just....she doesnt see she did anything wrong and she did! and she refused to accept that i knew i did wrong too, which is silly, i know i was in the wrong too. it’s just that what she said was just as bad, and i only reacted in this case, she walked in being rude and then went on the attack when i was annoyed by her being annoyed and rude and impatient with me and got a bit upset, i reacted to her attack and her confusing and frustrating me by deciding i was saying things i wasnt and then that i didnt mean my apology. that’s it. i dont apologize for saying she should move out. i love her, i like her a lot when she’s being fun and enthusiastic and telling me stuff and talking abt design and tv shows, i like that she can consider other views on things given time to come to those conclusions (ie, realizing that the portrayal of autism in the good doctor doesnt sit perfectly with her, so i might’ve had some point in my concerns when i first told her i didnt like the show from what i’d heard - she came and talked abt the show with me the other day, and i told her, watch it if you like it, just dont take it as law on autistic ppl, and if something makes you uncomfortable abt it, thats your prerogative if u wanna stop watching. that was nice.) i like when we can discuss or debate something and be on opposite sides and it doesn’t become a screaming fight, we kinda see where we are and accept we have different views and we then go back to watching tv and its good. i like her a lot except when she turns around randomly and becomes nasty and mean and then insists there’s nothing wrong with what she said or how she said it. i dont like when she complains about people and refuses to see how hypocritical she can be. i dont like when she complains about our parents and gets mad when i dont agree with her 100%. and i don’t like when she throws words at me like knives and insists they’re harmless and have no connection to my anger or reactions. that everyone is unfair to her. when she’s MEAN a lot.