I can feel the neurons in my brain remapping themselves whenever I choose to make amends with my human spirit rather than indulging in self-reproach
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I can feel the neurons in my brain remapping themselves whenever I choose to make amends with my human spirit rather than indulging in self-reproach
podencos
Mayan assignment of animals to parts of the body. Life symbols as related to sex symbolism. 1924.
Internet Archive
When did I stop growing?
When did I stop being me?
When did I start absorbing?
When did the space between what I thought I was feeling
And when I stopped feeling
And started accepting that I was okay with
The absence of feeling to feel
For others as love.
To take their hurt, their anger, and their pain as mine.
Thinking in many ways as I got older if it wasnt directly aimed at me.
If I was HELPING THEM.
I was feeling.
I was actually suffering for so long.
My body was a weapon used to absorb.
Take it its yours.
I dont feel it, except I hate myself silently.
The grocery store somehow became terrifying.
I stare into cars, why?
All my dreams become dreams that are about sacrificing to HELP OTHERS.
I AM A CAREGIVER, I AM A MARTYR.
I AM A 35 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO IS DEAD INSIDE AND WHO SUDDENLY HAS TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.
Wait.
My first son was born on my fathers birthday.
How beautiful.
No.
My father is my abuser.
He taught me love is a weapon, love is sacrifice. Love is abandonment hidden behind fulfilling prophecies we blame on our children.
We end up alone in old homes with pictures. With grandchildren who look like us who reject love and who carry our tears and nighttime fears of "What if I hurt you".
I still didnt see it.
But now that I am opening up I see the Father Wound.
I see both sides of the coin.
I suffer the sins of the father so that the son doesnt have to.
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You overwhelm her mind first, you wreck her body later, every inch of it...
Random Xpressions
If you know you can say no or stop, you relax. If you don't know you can say no or stop, you can't afford to make such an offer. You will be on guard, worried about what's coming next, because you have to be. I came to see that knowing it in our minds is not enough. We have to know it with our bodies -- that is, we have to have a body experience of exercising that choice.
Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen, The Art of Receiving and Giving
[Emphasis mine]
One of the awesome parts of Betty Martin's work is her absolute insistence that we learn these agreements through literally touching each other's skin. That's how we learn what a no or a yes or a maybe feels like in our bodies. Many trauma survivors report a disconnect between bodies and minds. Betty's emphasis on a pace of touching and talking that's S-L-O-W as molasses gives mind time to observe the body, and to speak what the body wants.
It doesn't have to make "sense." Like, it might not make sense to you that your stomach seizes up when you imagine your friend stroking your palm lightly. But she guides you on honoring the fact that if it doesn't feel delightful, then it isn't the thing you want!
...ut oh 😬