#mind spewing

[big-gay-dog]

*crawls out of hole i dug for myself the past 6 months*

SUP

[big-gay-dog]

AIGHT, queued up quite a few things for the rest of the day so i dont spam everyone

WELCOME BACK TO TUMBLR, ME

[big-gay-dog]

fuckin god i need to start updating again

how yall doing?

[big-gay-dog]

its 2 hours to New Years for me, and since im not doing anything special except staying at home nursing a horrible stomachache ill make a resolution post!

never done one before, hopefully social obligation will help me stick to them

get more motivation?? seriously all my problems with myself could be solved with this, and the more i think about it the more i think i have some kind of problem. people dont usually immediately shut down and feel like doing nothing but lay in bed the second theyre in their parents house, right?

get more active on here and social media with my art! i have a lot of things to share

in that vein; start keeping a list or journal of ideas so i dont forget them in a week

get a job and get my own apartment

sorta maybe start a project im thinking about

eat healthier and work out n get RIPPED

pick up some creative thing other than drawing. knitting or felt work maybe? or bookbinding to make sketchbooks

participate in a game jam or make my own game with another person or a team; i have no patience for coding and level design

do more creative challenges in general! might even start one after January and after i get my feet more on the ground, hypothetically 

this is a long shot but: get over my horrible driving anxiety and learn how to drive maybe possibly 

thats it for me! im not holding myself super hard to all of these, but the first 4 are my main priorities. hope everyone has a good New Year!

[big-gay-dog]

u know, life has a funny way of fucking u over and last week was definitely one of those periods. last week was kinda like this:

fried my laptop by spilling water all over the back of it, cried about it, sent it to a computer repair place, MIRACULOUSLY got it to turn on again, cried about THAT, somehow survived my finals with good grades and a 5+ year old laptop, cried a lil about that too, got myself back to missouri.

and now im here

while my laptop is indeed working, its slow and honestly unable to do what i need to do, past basic internet browsing and the like. it also doesnt have a battery anymore and replacing it might not be worth the cost (damn macs)

so if im scarce, that’s why! i have a couple things i want to share with yall tho, good thing about being a mostly traditional artist is a fried laptop doesnt slow you down much ;)

anyway i gotta go i can feel my heartbeat behind my eyes oh god it hurts

[big-gay-dog]

HEY KIDS ITS BASICALLY MY FINALS WEEK AND IM SUFFERING but i got some cool shit in the pipeline im excited to show ;)

also undertale stuff. lots of that

[big-gay-dog]

*makes a bunch of art*

*never posts it on art blog*

HA HA, HAHAHAH

[big-gay-dog]

so hey. been thinking about some things lately, and i thought i might as well make a post about it. what the heck right? ill even throw this in the tags, might help some people out

so:

im aromantic (or just aroace)

thinky thoughts under the cut ;0  

it took me a while to come to terms with this honestly. its not like i was...repulsed by the idea or anything, or that i didnt want to believe it, i just wanted to wait and see if that ever-fabled “romance” would happen.

and like fuck it man im almost 20 if it hasnt happened yet i can take a safe bet that it never will (among other reasons ill get into) 

im also autochoris and that muddied the waters for me a bit. 

anyway, some QUICK FACTS that made me realize this

the whole idea of being in a relationship with someone stresses me out so much its never gonna be worth it. american society has placed SO MANY expectations and preconceptions about what romance and relationships are, it may as well be a performance art. holding hands, calling each other pet names, cuddling, giving each other gifts. all of this is so, SO expected and normal people will automatically just...assume you do these things. and if you dont do them, something is wrong and either youre not “normal” or the relationship isnt “real”. id feel so pressured to do these things no matter if i even want to or not. and if i wasnt acting out of my own emotions, but rather the expectations of my emotions by others, is that really genuine? for me, no.  

i realize that first point is horribly stereotyped and maybe its all the middle-aged catholic mothers i was exposed to as a child that makes me think thats what other people think. maybe its my residual social anxiety talking. either way, fuck no

i have no personal definition of romance. i cant explain this point very well since there isnt anything to explain? romance is a void. an endless void. dont look directly at it

going back to the performance art analogy i made, ever since i was a kid, ive always thought romantic behavior was a weird kind of act, or someone exaggerating their emotions for the sake of dramatics. i was only exposed to that kind of behavior on tv and in books as a little kid since my parents werent very “romantic” (they loved each other and it was v apparent. just. not in any way that was obvious to anyone like me under the age of 10). i just...never associated typical romantic behavior to a genuine feeling actual people felt. and yes, i know fiction copies reality and shit but if you tried explaining that to me under age 12 i wouldve thought of sonic the hedgehog and thought you were loony. 

that being said, part of the reason it took me a while to realize i was aromantic was my desire to kiss people and cuddle n shit. thats something i want to do at some point in my life! and i thought that those actions were inherently romantic for most of my life. but they arent! go me, figuring shit out!

thats all i really got. if this helps anyone out, im glad it did! and if anyone wants to talk about aromantic/arospec things with me, or even ace stuff since im on that spectrum too, im always open for it! might be slow to respond since school has started and its taking up a lot of my time. this shit is confusing and gave me a lot of grief in high school, if i can spare anyone that itll be time well spent