#mindchaos

[teadrinkinglifezombie]

P1

It took me quite a while to figure out why I decided to start this page. I think most of all I wanted to get my thoughts out into the open. Not necessarily for everyone else but more for myself. I find myself constantly trying to talk about my fears, anxieties, dreams or really just what I’m thinking to myself. If I must be honest Im actually a lot better at listening to others and trying to be comforting rather than listening to myself and to what I need. So maybe this is just a way to get rid of so much chaos that is constantly going on in my mind.

[gimmethepretense]

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South African cricketer Ryan McClaren failed. He missed out on the squad for the World Cup. “It was a tough few days...there was a lot of disappointment. There was shock”. I used to read these kinds of words and not really understand them. I would think something like: “yeah yeah shock and disappointment, you aren’t good enough anyway why are you so sad, it is what it is man, get over yourself’. But this time I felt different.

Last year I failed. I missed out on the executive team of a club at University. Getting into schools, passing exams, job interviews; I’ve normally been able to succeed at things I’ve tried at. Not this time though. By every measure and possible rationalisation, I had failed. It hurt. What made it hurt more was my mindset going into the AGM (where the new executive team is announced). To me, everything seemed to be falling perfectly into place. There were more spots to fill than normal, I was liked by all the others going for it, I even had friends on the current executive team. Everything was going to plan. So when they announced the new team one by one and when one by one I heard names which weren’t mine called, I too experienced that shock and disappointment.

Everything had been going to plan. I was going to get into the executive team, finish my exams, travel around Europe volunteering during the summer, then come back into 2015 a richer man from Europe and busy for the upcoming year. So missing out on the executive team and throwing my assumed “plan” out the window at the earliest opportunity was a really big blow for me. For the first time in my life, I had completely failed at something, something which I badly wanted.

That night I couldn’t sleep for the first time. My parents used to tell me about the times when they first immigrated to New Zealand. When they were so stressed from the struggle that they couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know about that. For my whole life, I had slept like a baby. But that night, when I woke up at 2am, thought “what the fuck just happened yesterday?” and couldn’t answer it, I got what they meant.

University next day was a blur. Every time my mind idled, I would end up thinking about the night before. Coincidentally, I met one of the current executive members and talked it over but nothing was doing anything. I felt pretty shit. When I got home and saw my mum for the first time since the decision, I hugged her and cried.

It is at times like these where music and art can be so helpful. Listening to “Learn to Lose” this morning, I finally understood what the song meant. The message is common but correct. Failure is an inevitable part of life, and it is something you need to learn to deal with. The biggest risk of failure is actually failing to deal with it, something evident when Wyeth sings how losing his confidence after losing “took my good chances from me”. This is what worries me most, the bad arrangements we make trying to deal with failure.

Looking back on the decision now with no fondness, it is clear that it may have been a good thing. I probably got a bit arrogant by the end of last year with everything going to “plan”. From this perspective, the failure is a reminder for me to keep my feet on the ground. And there is at least one tangible advantage. Now when people talk about the “shock and disappointment” of a failure, I don’t just think “stiff shit”. Now, I sorta, maybe, kinda, a little, understand them.

p.s pls don't misunderstand, i know missing out on exec of some club is a tiny thing and doesn’t really compare in terms of 'failure’.

[iammindchaos]

Lessons Learned Part 4

Lessons Learned: Part 4

Purposely sitting beside Regina, Henry left the other side of the bench for Emma to sit directly across from Regina by putting his feet up on the other side. Looking in between his two mothers, he smirked to himself as the two exchanged a glance to one another before receiving their food. " Can we do this all the time?" Henry asked looking to Emma, then Regina.

" Sure, kid. As long as your mom's alright with it?" Emma asked looking to Regina.

Quirking her eyebrow slightly at Emma, Regina looked to Henry and gave him a smile. " Of course, dear. But let's get through tonight first, shall we?" She suggested, affectionately cupping his chin and kissing his forehead.

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Dinner passed with minimal conversation between Emma and Regina, regardless of Henry's attempt to trick them into talking to one another. Emma's attempts at conversation with Regina were even less effective, as Regina only answered in one to two word answers.

" Ma... is she still mad at you?" Henry whispered as they walked behind Regina while making their way through the parking lot of the movie theatre.

"I think so." Emma replied as they walked, the sway of Regina's hips mesmerizing her as usual. Shaking it off, Emma sighed, having missed the majority of what Henry had been saying. "... whatever happened with you guys, we can fix it." He whispered before jogging ahead and opening the theatre door before Regina could get to it.

" Thank you, Little Prince." Regina smiled, as she stepped into the building.

Henry smiled and waited for Emma to walk by him, before following the pair of them. “Thanks, kid.” She grinned, nudging him playfully.

As Regina paid for their tickets before Emma even had the chance to offer, she turned to see Henry looking around, stopping only when he caught her eye. Narrowing her own slightly she walked over to him, handing him his ticket and Emma hers. “Henry… what are you looking at?” She asked suspiciously.

“There was a fly, I was trying to see if I could keep up with it. But I lost it." He lied quickly as Emma appeared with a tray full of drinks and popcorn.

" Are we ready to go in?" Emma asked as Henry nodded and led the way, closely followed by Regina. Catching up and matching her stride, Emma glanced to her as they entered the dimly lit theatre. " Hey, I uh, didn't think you drank soda, so I grabbed you a coffee..." the blonde said in her feeble attempt to make conversation, yet again.

Regina looked to the sheriff as they took their seats, as Henry announced having to use the restroom, leading the two stuck sitting beside one another at the back of the crowded theatre.

" Thank you." Regina replied, taking the beverage from Emma who had held it out for her.

Another few long moments passed in uncomfortable silence between Emma and Regina as they awaited the start of the movie and Henry's return. Emma glanced at Regina, waiting for her to say something explaining her silent treatment but nothing came.

Unable to hold it in any longer, Emma turned in her seat. "Damnit, Regina, will you please tell me what's going on?!" She asked, voice hushed as she spoke.

Keeping her eyes on the preview screen, Regina answered flatly. " It seems like we are sitting in a theatre awaiting the start of this movie, Ms. Swan."

Growling under her breath, Emma frowned and moved to try and obstruct her gaze, " You know what I mean, Regina. You've been avoiding me for over a week!"

" I've been busy. I'm sure you've found other ways to occupy your nights, combing the pirate for fleas after picking splinters off one another." She answered, just as Henry appeared and sat in his seat.

" Whatcha guys talkin about?" Henry asked, taking a soda and the popcorn from Emma as she handed it to him.

" Nothing, honey, just work." Regina lied as the lights dimmed, signaling the start of the showing.

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By the middle of the movie Emma was a fidgeting bundle of nerves and by the end she was ready to explode. As they exited the theatre and once again got into her car, Emma sped off toward her apartment.

"Uhm, Ms. Swan this is not my house." Regina said as she looked to Emma.

" I'm aware." The blonde replied, as she turned to look at Henry. " Your mom and I need to talk about some work things. Think you'll be alright hanging out with your grandparents for a while?"

Grinning, Henry nodded and exited the car through Emma's side, waving before running into the building. "We've no work issues to discuss, Ms. Swan. What is it that you want?" Regina asked, her arms crossed as she looked to the blonde who had started driving once again.

"I know you saw Killian kiss me." Emma said after they had reached the end of the road.

Tensing slightly at the memory she had been trying to forget, Regina kept her eyes on the road ahead of her as Emma drove. " And?" The brunette asked shortly.

" Is that why you've been avoiding me?" Emma asked, glancing at Regina.

Clenching her jaw briefly, Regina kept silent as Emma purposely took a roundabout route to Regina's street.

" THAT'S why you've been avoiding me, isn't it?" The blonde pressed as she stopped at a red street light. "Regina, there isn't anything going on between me and Killian, in fact, that awesome bruise on the side of his face was from me the second I pushed him away." Emma explained as the light changed from red to green and she drove toward the mayoral manor.  

Quirking her eyebrow as she looked to Emma, Regina couldn't help but to smirk. "That was you?"

Emma grinned and nodded as she parked outside of Regina's house and turned off the car before looking to her. "Yep! He came out of nowhere with some fake note saying it was from me, then kissed me as I was leaving to meet with you at your office." The blonde explained, watching as Regina's tense demeanor softened.

Keeping silent for a moment, Regina grabbed her purse from her feet and opened her door.

"Hey! Wh-" Emma started before Regina closed the door and walked around the car, knocking on Emma's window.

Smirking at the confused look on the blondes face, Regina gestured to the house. "Would you like to come inside, Ms. Swan?"

[iammindchaos]

The White Knight and the Evil Queen sneaky sneak Ch. 13 pt. 2

Unraveling the parchment, Regina looked to Emma before reading aloud: Emma, We know you said you want nothing to do with us, but we've reason to believe that it is because Regina has your heart. Literally. There must have been a moment where she froze you and stole it without you noticing and now she is controlling you, forcing you to believe you are in love and one with one another. But we have a plan. We're going to find your heart, wherever Regina has kept it locked and return it to you. Then you can return home. To your family. It will not be long until we arrive to rescue you, trust us, this time we will not fail. Love, Your Mother and Father

[assault-rifle-blog]

Embolism- Just Lies