#mindless text post

[futzingbarton]

my doc cancelled on me last week which meant i had four (4) pills to make last ten (10) days so i have been unmedicated for a hot minute and good gravy have so many things fallen through the cracks

hopefully i can catch up on what stuff got lost at work and just. ahhhh. AHHHHHH. i have an appt this friday and i'm very eager to get a slightly higher dose potentially so that i can Finally Finish Comms and just. man. the adhd autism combo wombo has really been killing me

[futzingbarton]

man this time last year i was in the worst job i’ve ever had, emotionally manipulated and bedraggled, one of the worst places i’ve ever been wrt my mental health and desire to live, living from guest room to guest room bc i had no stable housing

this year i’m still working on getting Comfortable but i’ve got housing and a new car and a great job with lovely benefits at a nonprofit i support, friends who love and cherish and accept me. i get to travel and i’m working on catching up on my commissions, which i have a bunch of. feels good. by next month i’ll have my finalized adhd med script sorted and can go on to figuring out my physical health. it’s a journey but we’re getting there!

[futzingbarton]

a story

a long time ago, when i was 10 or 11, i had to go on a hike with my father and sister. we went to a nearby ‘mountain,’ and i say ‘mountain’ and not mountain because this is new england, and our mountains are more like hills here. and since this is new england, of course something odd was going to happen.

for some context, at the time, i did not get along well with my sister, and my father is/was an abusive asshole. any time i had to spend with him and my sister both resulted in them ganging up on me, making fun of me, guilting me, driving me to tears, etc etc. not a fun time for Baby Nika.

so we’re at this mountain, and because i’m me, and because i’m surrounded by two adults who are not my friends, i brought along a stuffed owl plush of mine, an owl i named Rosowlia, because every owl i have ever owned has either ‘hoot’ or ‘owl’ in its name (see: owlexander, owlarry, owlivia, hootson, owlivine, owlander, the list goes on and on). so. rosowlia and i were pals. she is the owl i decided to bring with me on this particular Weekend of Terror, because i never wanted to bring one of my owls two weekends in a row, because i was kind of still at this age where despite knowing i should know better, i believed toys have feelings and i didn’t want to subject my owls to my father’s abuse too. so i switched them out, thinking that they deserved to stay at home with mom and feel okay, and i suppose i kind of lived through them that way. 

so. 

we’re hiking. up this mountain. and it was a ways up, definitely a ways up, like nothing compared to proper mountains, but enough so that a kid with asthma and ankle problems was really fucking winded while hiking up, while the two adults with me berated me for not keeping up. eventually it got to a point where i started crying, and they made fun of me for crying, generally just started raising their voices, and overall making the entire experience worse. it sucked. 

by the time we reached the summit, the sun was beginning to set and i was a tear-stained mess, quiet and hugging my owl close. my sister and father were busy looking at something or other, so i made my way to the edge and i peeked over it. it was a very, very long ways down, and looking back, this probably should have been a sure thing to alert my family that Baby Nika was busy thinking about suicide and that’s Bad, but since i was with my father, and no one mattered more to my father than my father himself, no one noticed, nor really cared. 

so. i’m standing at the edge, overlooking things, thinking about jumping, when my father calls my name, and i flinch, startled. i lose my grip on rosowlia, and she plummets, falling down down down into the far canopies below me, and i stand shock-still for a moment until my father stalks over and grabs my arm and pulls me along with him. i shut down. i started kicking and screaming and sobbing, my owl, my friend, had fallen, and all i got in return was ‘well you should have held it tighter’, or, ‘too bad, you shouldn’t have stood so close to the edge.’ 

the entire hike down was misery, because any wailing i did was interspersed with guilt trips or general yelling, mainly from my father, berating me for ruining his day and for tarnishing what was supposed to be a good weekend for him with us. it was terrible. 

when we finally made it back to the car, it was dusk, the sky a cool shade of blue with the last light of the sun on the horizon. i remember my father’s car at the time was a blue toyota sedan (the same car he slammed the door on my hand once, which was treated with an ice pack and an ‘absolutely no trip to the hospital, ever’ policy). 

so, we’re at the car, and my sister gets the front seat, and i get the back, and of course, i sprawl out over both back seats and bury my head against the cushions and sob. it was just the beginning of the weekend and i started it by dropping my goddamn best owl friend down the side of a mountain. my father starts the car and keeps telling me how it’s my own damn fault, and how i ought to have been paying attention, and how i better not tell my mom about this. i would have been fighting back, arguing, but i was so damn tired, and lying on the seats i let my arm fall down to the car floor. it brushed up against something plush. 

i touched the thing more deliberately, determining it wasn’t someone’s coat, or hat, or something. i scrambled up, hit the light on the car roof, and stared down at the floor. 

it was rosowlia. 

my father stopped the car, demanding to know why i’d turned on the light, why was i such a nuisance, why--

and then he saw the owl

and my sister saw the owl

and i saw the owl

and we drove home in silence, after that. 

[futzingbarton]

ugh i just love deacon so much and i hate finding characters i associate with so deeply because it always starts with

“so uh this character reminds me of u lol” and i’m like oh hm really that’s interesting, how so--

oh

self loathing and devoting your whole life to a cause because literally what is the Point if you’re not giving away everything u have to offer to something better than you (and let’s be honest, p much everything is better than you at this point) and not being serious about anything except for how much u know u have to work to make up for just Being You 

and just desperately putting on a fake face every day u wake up because lbr here guys there’s literally nothing going on for me except for the way you all perceive me and for some reason you perceive me positively so i might as well cater to that because maybe if i lie enough to myself as well as everybody else, i’ll start believing it

i mean 

uh

what

he’s cute whatever let’s move on

[futzingbarton]

i keep waffling about whether or not to give a character of mine depression because i mean, i know i could write it and i know it’d make sense for him but at the same time i keep being like LOL NAH because holy shit man i don’t wish this upon anyone ever, not a real person and not these dumb fictional babies i keep making

[futzingbarton]

i was going to write a little blurb about how much i love booze and how different booze at different times means different things to me but then i realized no ON E CARES so that's not happening

[futzingbarton]

basically what it comes down to is that 

both clint and nat (coughsandbuckycoughs) see themselves as "bad people"

and both of them have (and need) people in their lives that tell them they are not bad people

but they also need to have people (see: each other) that, when they hear the other say "i am a bad person" they can just respond with "yeah, but i'm still here for you." 

obviously i'm paraphrasing and simplifying but like

that is so important. it is validating and it is super binding in their friendship and trust for each other, okay

[futzingbarton]

uuughhh it is nika nap time now