#mindtrickle

[monty-cantsin]

i don't know why i get online but ive been compelled since i was young. im always clawing for friendship in real life but ive lied so much that my identity sometimes feels sort of splintered between 20 different people.

it doesn't really make it better perse to use the Internet to connect these threads but it becomes easier to build a life outside of the shatters i guess.

plus , to be less self serious, it is fun to chat on my computer !!

(im the mirror at my favorite gas station)

cyan or sid or casp or wttvr // 20 // he she

i don't know.

it gets really hard to define yourself especially when the name of the game is to define yourself. it gets really hard to scream in my room when ive spent so long screaming into my phone. i would really like to hear from the outside world i think. reach out to this spaceman hovering the earth if you so dare

...........

previous screen/usernames

usernames:

hypnagogic-cigarette

hypnagogic-phase

screen name :

god's hotspot

[monty-cantsin]

i did mushrooms two days ago and there were moments when my pink butterfly quilt on the ground felt like the quilt i had as a child and i got all weepy because my body felt small but i didnt feel scared and all i can remember from being a kid is being angry and scared and it felt like i regained what i was robbed of

[monty-cantsin]

synesthesia (both the actual condition and also any attempt to replicate a sense with another ie visualizations of sound waves , dr pepper being a soda that tastes the way a soda fountain smells ) , art that is folky/casual in nature (diagrams in textbooks , web graphics , home movies , shitposts , art films only posted on youtube , any art and graphics associated with music / video games / snacks , the new garage rock revival ( mostly jay lindsay , younger lovers ) , so so so much music i wont list but i love loud electronics and really slow rock songs and scary ass fast vocals . i make music on fl studio and with my friends. i also used to make tape music. i am trying to get back into it , especially plinderphonics. i also like glitching / synthesis , copywrite infringement in art , indipendant comixs , saving things on wikipedia / to my phone , psychonautics , looking at forums (mostly reddit , few dead ones from internet archive ) . i have an email penpal which is very exciting, we just started writing . oh and last few things : cooking , antiques , wingdings / emoticons / unicode / fonts , walking around in the snow

oh also : degen culture ( fujoshis , hikikomori , femcels [ mostly from a point of interest , and morbid curiosity but i definitely fell victim to certain femcelish thought patterns when i was younger] (_）) , defunct websites , youtube blogs/storytimes , weirdly like vlog squad area youtube from like a cultural / legal standpoint

[monty-cantsin]

brain unchained means i'm under its relative control rather than beating it into nothing but subconcious brain feels prickly and unfit to lead due to years of neglect from my consiousness

[monty-cantsin]

now that i sort of am at least a bit more able to feel like i live as a part of life and not just to spite it, it hurts me SO MUCH when i see the same constructs still present that beat me down in the first place i was so so so mad at work today because my coworkers were basically saying they thought like spanking your kids is sometimes neccessary l the world that compels people to look at someone 4 foot 7 dripping candy stained saliva and see them as a worthy victim of crudly disguised "correction facilities",,, that walks with me every day. that is a part of me