Burning Bridges at Christmas...I think
Christmas is by far my favourite time of year! I like all the good will towards man, the spirit of giving, Santa Claus and all that shit. The best part for me is being able to watch Christmas movies and not have to worry about the month I’m watching it in.
One particular Christmas was special because after less than 2 years of doing Stand Up comedy I was invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store for their end of year Christmas shows. This was a huge honour for me because working through the open mic scene in Perth, the feeling amongst the comedians was that being invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store was the same as becoming a ‘Made Man’ in a gangster movie, it was the highest honour you could obtain.
When I got the invitation I was travelling through Port Headland on a 5 week mining tour performing to some of the roughest crowds that I have ever performed for. They weren’t bad crowds, they were just tough and my skill level was not ready to perform for an audience that had just finished a 12 hour shift and just wanted to sit in silence with a few beers and dream of the day they can return home to their families and jet ski’s.
Comedy in my opinion has a lot in common with Shawshank Prison, to get good at it you have to crawl through five football fields of shit and hopefully come out somewhat talented on the other side. At this point in my career I was nowhere it, I was still chiseling through the wall and learning the craft wishing that one day I could get even close to the shit pipes.
These mining tours however fast tracked my learning and after 2 weeks on the road I learnt that I was well and truly crawling through the shit pipes. Weeks of bombing in front of miners was a depressing experience made even worse by the fact I couldn’t drown my sorrows because all the mine sites we performed at were Mid strength mine sites. Drowning your sorrows with mid strength alcohol is like trying to combat your heroin addiction with milk shakes.
One of the stops of the mining tour was Port Headland. A massive shit hole to most people, for me it was my favourite part of the tour purely for the fact that my Vodafone phone would get reception and I was able to check my missed calls and emails. During our drive through Port Headland my spirits were lifted when I received an email from the Sydney Comedy Store inviting me to perform for their Christmas shows. I was ecstatic and told the guys I was touring with that after this mining tour I would be heading to Sydney to perform at the Comedy Store. In unison they all looked at each other with a look I can only describe as “How the fuck is this guy getting a gig at the Comedy Store”. In reality they probably didn’t give a shit that I would be making $50 a night when they were going to be making thousands of dollars doing cruise ships or whatever they had planned. Whatever they thought I didn’t care, in my mind I was finally going to become a ‘Made Man’.
In the Perth open mic scene, I was best mates with a group of guys who would regularly fly over to Sydney to perform at the Comedy Store. Lucky for me they gave me the inside scoop on what to do when you get there, how to conduct yourself, essentially performing at the Comedy Store has the same rules as performing anywhere “Try not to be shit, and don’t be a cunt” pretty easy rules to follow. Being shit can be subjective but it’s pretty obvious if someone is being a cunt and in most places it won’t be tolerated. The Comedy Store is one of those places. I know a story of a comedian who managed to worm his way in to perform at the Comedy Store and got banned for snapping his fingers at the bar staff trying to get served like he was a Wall Street guy at Hooters. I know the comedian and he’s got that spoilt little rich kid demeanor kinda like Joffery in Game of Thrones except more cunty.
Now a little back story before I get into the next part, when I was starting out the group of friends I hung with would always bust each others balls in the most fake macho bravado way possible. Someone would say “Don’t be shit tonight” and they would respond “I’ll kill you cunt” and they would respond “I’ll bash your whole family”. Writing it out now sounds terrible but that’s how it was and everyone would always laugh and joke when we did it. I was still new and incredibly naive, I thought I had stumbled across some secret “In” joke that only professional comedians knew and not just a running joke amongst the 10 open mic comedians I would regularly perform with.
I flew over to Sydney with hope in my heart and some ‘insider’ tips on how to fit in with the crew there. I remember one of the main things I was really looking forward to was seeing my name in the big bright lights on the Sydney Comedy Store. The sign that would shine out to let the world know I was a legit comedian worth seeing. I remember walking down the alley trying to act as cool as possible but really feeling giddy with excitement for the moment I’d see my name on that sign for the first time. I remember walking up with my eyes facing down, then I casually took a look up and my name was nowhere to be seen. They hadn’t put my name on the board! It didn’t really upset me but after 5 weeks of bombing on mine sites seeing my name in lights at the Sydney Comedy Store would have been a nice bit of sugar for my ego.
The reason why my name wasn’t on the board is because I was doing a two week run and unless you’re a superstar they only put your name up for the second week of your run, so I still got my name in lights and got a few happy snaps for the memory book.
One piece of advice I got for when you start out at the Comedy Store was to bring a bottle of Jamieson and some cigarettes to drink with the staff afterwards. The staff at the Comedy Store were the guys you wanted to be hanging with after the show, there was no real professional networking reason for this, they were just cool people to hang out with. So I made sure to bring two bottles of Jamieson and 2 packs of smokes, not only for the staff but also as a sacrifice to the Comedy Gods to let them know I was taking this opportunity seriously. As it turned out it wasn’t a big enough sacrifice because I bombed for 2 weeks straight. I knew it was bad, but it didn’t sink in at how bad it was until the Booker called me after the second or third gig to say that I should just do my Raw Comedy set. I was devastated, I called up my friends in Perth to ask what I should do and they said they didn’t know. They had never received a phone call from a Booker like that before, they also laughed in my face which is always humbling. In their defence I would of done the same thing.
I decided to put my head down and try to fix what I had, and I managed to turn my shit shows from bad to just kinda bad.
Despite the shows going badly it was still a worth while experience. I became good mates with the staff and I’m still mates with them today. After every gig we would hang out and drink, smoke and talk shit. The 2 week run was awesome because I became mates with the other comedians as well who were a mix of TV and radio stars and guys who were on the cusp of becoming the next TV and radio stars.
The biggest name on the line up was staying at the same hotel as me. I was told by everyone he’s the nicest dude in comedy and he’s the sort of dude that would do anything for you, the utmost gentlemen. So I decided to walk back to the hotel with him one night. I don’t know whether it was the Jamieson or the weed but I thought i’m going to let him know that I know the "In” jokes that all comedians know (still blissfully unaware this is just a shitty joke amongst open micers in Perth). So we were walking and chatting and we came across a house party and I turned to him and said “We should go in there”. He said “Why would we do that” and I said “I don’t know, to bash em”. He looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about, but in my mind he’s throwing me lob balls to hit out of the park. Then he said “Dude why would we go in there and bash them”. At this point I’ve finished the joke so him asking me why would we bash them?, felt like he was testing me by taking me into deep water where I’d have to riff my way out, so I said the funniest thing I could think of and I said “because we’re from the streets”. I think the rest of the walk home was probably a lot more awkward for him than it was for me.
We got to the hotel, shook hands and went our separate ways. I didn’t think anything of it until I was in Melbourne a few months later and I was sitting with a group of comedians in the artist bar and he walked in. He went around the table shaking everyone’s hand with a big smile on his face and came to me and shakes my hand but looks at me like I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world. I’m trying to think if I had bumped into him already at this festival (I may have had a few big nights with one or two blackouts at that festival) and made a cunt of myself. I thought surely he’s not mad at the “We’re from the streets” comment? it was clearly a joke, that couldn’t be it. Then I thought it might have been because I put on such an amateur performance at the Comedy Store but that couldn’t be it either because I saw him shaking hands with comedians who are way shitter than me like that fucking Joffery cunt. So it must have been the “because we’re from the streets” line. (which I find funny) I’ve bombed in rooms where the Booker doesn’t want me back on the line up again but I’ve never bombed a conversation to the point where the person never wanted to see me again (Excluding first dates).
I haven’t seen him since the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I mean I have seen him he’s fucking everywhere but hopefully we can cross paths again and I can remind him where we come from- The Motherfucking Streets!
I’ve been back to the Comedy Store in Sydney numerous times since and have had some amazing gigs. Once opening for Eddie Ifft and Tony Hinchliffe both from the USA. Even though the staff from the first gig there have moved on to bigger things, I still make a point of bringing a bottle of Jamieson and Cigarettes as my sacrifice to the Comedy Gods and to spread some Christmas cheer no matter what time of year.
