#mingusposting

[thegreatmingus]

If you drop soap in piss does the piss get clean or does the soap get dirty? Once you're done thinking that one over, lemme ask, if you drop piss ontoba bar of soap does the piss get soapy, or does the soap get pissy?

[thegreatmingus]

me after my grandma forces me to flush my giant dump: this is america is it not? is not a man entitled to the poop of his own ass?

[thegreatmingus]

Mfs be like "squires these days. back in my day..." and it's just a long winded rant about wishing you could knock a squire's teeth out for grabbing the wrong size hauberk.

[thegreatmingus]

I'm super behind on the rental fees for my donor prostate, and they're about to repossess it. I'll be running 2 for 1 deals on my etsy where I sell vienna sausage sculpture and rocks I found in my neighbor's pit in order to raise some money, so please share with your friends. Not to guilt my followers or nothing, but if they unplug my prostate, no more prostate-related content. So... yknow.

[thegreatmingus]

one of my students asked me if i dress up for saint patrick's day. i told her no, and she prodded, "not even those little green hats?" i said nah and moved on.

i was confused until a few minutes later when i realized they thought i'm a fucking leprechaun because i'm short and my beard is red.

[thegreatmingus]

When I was a young boy, my brother had a scorpion trapped in green resin dome that his dad got him for his birthday. This frightened me to no end. The implications of something so frightening being trapped in what looked to me like a crystal taunted me for years. My brother would convince me that, at any moment, he could free this dreadful beast from its prison, and it would fill me with a venom so potent I'd die in mere moments.

After countless nights knowing my brother had the greatest nuclear option in his arsenal, I wrapped the creature in a towel to avoid its gaze, carried it downstairs, and tried to flush it down the toilet. It clogged the toilet, and I cried when my dad called me a dumb ass.

[thegreatmingus]

In the future, the Make-a-Wish foundation will use the mystic foresight of their clerics to send men in ill-fitting spiderman suits to signal the end of a person's life.

[thegreatmingus]

When people walk into my [chain burger restaurant] it pisses me off when they only order milkshakes. I get our milkshakes are good, but this is a burger place. You should be ordering a burger to go WITH the shake. That's why I started doing the milkshake tax. If you order a milkshake, I upcharge you the price of a burger, and I grind up a burger and mix it in with the icecream. It drives people crazy, but so does them not ordering my fucking burgers.