My dance with anxiety
For some, this quarantine experience has been the worst thing ever and they are about to go mad. For others, this has been a time of thriving, creativity, and growth. For most of us, we lie somewhere in the middle and fluctuate between the negatives and positives. I live on my own, so in addition to isolation, I’ve been in my headspace a lot. Yes, it’s a great time for introspection and getting to know oneself, don’t get me wrong. However, my triggers tend to surface and my dear friend anxiety likes to manifest. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but for me it’s easiest to bottle it up, deny it’s existence, or become the victim. I know I’m not the only one due to 4 out of the 6 members of my immediate family behaving very similar. It sometimes feels better to say ‘poor me’ or ‘I’m like this due to my anxiety’ or ‘I feel neglected’ and so on. But is it helpful to only dwell on that part of it? Most likely not.
Before I proceed, I ought to share a bit of a background story that will weave into my current one. So over the last two months, I was lucky enough to encounter and connect with my twin flame. A twin flame in simplest terms is a mirrored soul. There are theories that it’s a soul literally split into half, but that’s a whole separate philosophical rabbit hole. Anyways, twin flames have a lot of similarities, but can also be polar opposite with others. Think of a yin/yang, sun/moon, fire/ice, etc. They need it as if it’s a magnetic pull that brings them together. From what I’ve learned, twin flames often appear when a person needs to ‘awaken’ so to speak or grow. Once again in a ‘woowoo’ term, it’s usually thought of as ascension, but once again that’s for another time. This period of grown/change is great and creepy at the same time. However, It’s not always a happy thing, in fact they are known to reveal parts of yourself that aren’t so great or a ‘shadow self’. In just two months, I’ve had instances where they’ve literally held a mirror to my face, spoke the truth, and more or less said ‘get your act together’. One of these happened this morning and quite honestly, they couldn’t have been anymore spot on. As a result, I listened and it became the catalyst I think I’ve needed for a long time. You see, quite often I bottle up my issues and put on a happy face...maybe it’s denial or shame or a pride thing. However, denying it or playing the poor victimized child isn’t helping me. Mine also manifests as lack of self confidence, people pleasing, or lack of self worth. Once again, I’m sure I’m not alone, but I need to get out of the mud and progress. My twin flame may not know this, but a lot of my classes that I’m currently taking are helping me with finding different outlets, recognizing certain behavior patterns, and identifying my triggers. Not to say that I haven’t looked into it on my own, but as a different/unbiased/outside approach. So I plan to keep up with them as well as my other ‘challenges’. Moving forward, I will use my anxiety to inspire art, writing, dance, skating, rants, utilizing groups/forums, connecting with others, and any other way to release it. After all, some of the greatest works of art were created as a result of pain and anxiety. Perhaps someday I’ll create a masterpiece and make millions. Just kidding! In all seriousness, it’s something i definitely need to start making into a habit. Now I know there will be days where the Universe will stick her middle finger up at me along with long lines, traffic jams, and wind blowing my siding off...but it’s time to face it head on and grow as my person.
I don’t know where I’ll be in a year. I hope to Goddess we’ll be out of this pandemic, that I’ll be healthy, and make my happiness a priority. While they come and go, I hope the friends dear to me will still stick around. I hope I’ll be living my life to the fullest and immersed in life’s messy labyrinth of pain, happiness, love, laughter, tears, stress, and everything in between. Anxiety will be transformed into my ally and I’ll keep them in check by releasing the chaos in a healthy way. After all, I’m the only Queen of my life, it’s time I straighten my crown and rule. So thank you to my twin flame(you-know-who-you-are) for being truthful with me and helping me become a better person. I hope someday that I can do the same for you<3.
Also, to all of those struggling right now, you are not alone. I hear you, can sympathize, and will never judge. Stay tuned for more thoughts during this new journey to my best self. I may share some art, bits of writing, creative writing, rants, raves, and more. Sending love, support, and sunshine to all those who need it.