People often ask me if it gets easier- I don’t quite know what to say because on the one hand, its easy to forget the feeling (when you’re incredibly busy), and other times, the feeling just won’t leave you, no matter how hard you try.
I’d like to think that I (we) are coping incredibly well. We don’t shy away from social outings, in fact i’ve probably had more in the last couple of months than I have ever had in my early 20′s, ‘excuse the exaggeration’ although time has passed, I still feel the guilt churning inside me to sit and reminisce, “don’t forget her!” I still stare at the pictures we took on my wall every morning when I get ready for work. I look at her face, and try and remember the curves, the touch of incredibly soft skin (she did care for her skin really well), her strict, yet gentle expression staring back at me. I wonder if she misses me.
Me: Do you think mum misses us?
SM: I don’t think you can miss someone in Heaven, there is no longing or sadness, but I’m sure she would if she could?
We have been talking about houses lately, SM had been jumping onboard the research train to find a perfect abode close by. Dad isn’t as supportive though, well, I guess he tries to be, one minute he says yes, but when it comes down to agreeing to go ahead, the purse strings tighten again. I remember having several heated conversations with mum about houses and investments, I never listened, stubborn as I was, I thought I knew the Australian housing market wel, but she was 1up on me in terms of investment experience, ‘still I’d never let her live it down. She would have a long list of concerns and questions, but I guess this is what a parent does, they want to make sure you’ve done your due diligence, they are your fail-proof guard (if you choose to listen to them). When I think back on all these things, I still feel sadness because it feels like i’ve chosen to disagree and argue with her advice. I never went ahead with silly investment choices nor purchasing of houses without her consent, however never received her wisdom willingly without a fight. I pray that one day I can forgive myself for saying all these things.
