It's pretty... huh... disturbing feeling.
Nowadays some things seems "new" to me. Maybe it's not an adequate word... I mean, there is a caesura in my life: one day broke it into the time "before" and "after". Last Saturday - it was the first "birthday" "after". Second half of last year: first Mother's Day, my first birthday, first Christmas, first New Year Eve... Spring is coming, first spring "after". Even everyday's people seem to be more bearable. I learn new things, things I will never show you, I'm doing stuff I will never tell you about, we will never work together in our garden, there is nothing like our garden anymore. Feeling guility is pounding under my ribs, but there is something else - hard to explain, trying to go out of the shadow, maybe hope or conviction that I can go forward, I should go forward and I'm able to do that, even when it looks like ridiculous impossibility.
