Analysis on Mizuki and Ena's insecurities and their importance in the relationship with each other.
I very much like to write MizuEna fanfiction, most of which i never publish because i have to do a million drafts before deciding to get it out on my ao3. In most of these works, as Mizuki is my favorite character in the game, and because i relate deeply to her, i always tend to write things from her perspective (not in a POV way but more like, instrospection about what she feels in detail). These days however, and mostly because of the new Ena event, i have been analysing Ena more deeply than i used to, (and noticed i am very alike to her too) along with reading other people's takes on her personality and behaviour.
I think a very important aspect for MizuEna is how difficult it is to express their thoughts to each other and the fear the other will judge them for it. This can be boiled down to the fear of intimacy. It is far more noticeable in Mizuki, since her story revolves around having a secret she fears she will be judged for. We can see this used to lead her to do things that hurt Ena (Like leaving her alone in the middle of a mall, very rudely blurting out Mizuki has nothing to talk about to her. Like yelling at her, tearing away from her grip a little bit too agressively and ending up physically hurting Ena. Not to mention, twice.) And these actions always make Mizuki feel ridden with guilt.
So in fanfiction, I, as well as other authors, tend to use Mizuki for the fearing intimacy part.
These leads me to writing romatic and sexual tension between them. In the romantic sense, Mizuki's avoidant and closed off nature is often portrayed by her having oh so many things to say but not saying them for the sake of not ruining the friendship she has with Ena, which happens in canon too, in a certain sense. In the sexual aspect, dysphoria takes a big role on the fear that sexual intimacy constitutes. Even if not textually said in canon, there are MANY hints at Mizuki's dysphoria, some of the most noticeable being her covered mirror in the span of her life in which she repressed her femininity, along with the quite obvious use of garments and accsesories that cover her throat, and my favorite, the convo with kanade where Mizuki asks if she ever realized something about the way her voice is lower that the rest of N25's. We can of course also see many other little details like her height and how sick it makes her feel to be stared at. Also in many N25 songs, Mizuki always gets the lines regarding disliking one's own body. This lets us see that despite not talking about it Mizuki is incredibly insecure about her body.
Mizuki is, as seen by reading the stories, very very insecure about her thoughts feelings and personal image, and in many instances we see her always scold herself whenever she thinks about being close to someone, telling herself bonds don't last forever. (not much anymore, but in Ena7 we see her telling Ena she wants to hang out with niigo while she still has time to, asuming that she will lose them one day) Mizuki wants to be close, but has trouble with it due to her insecurities, insecurities that make her act in a way she regrets and ends up pushing the people she loves away.
But what about Ena?
We always picture Mizuki as the insecure one, but Ena is no less scared than her.
Ena is a really honest person. She is also, very sensitive to being judged. Being told she is talentless by her father beared a strong blow to her confidence, leaving her shattered and profoundly insecure of herself and her art. She tries to draw in the entrance exam for the art school she wanted to go to, and getting anxious and controlled by her fear of not making it, ending up paralyzed and unable to draw freely, only proving her father's point in her eyes. How could she possibly fumble it so badly? Why couldn't she just draw as she normally does? She must really suck if she can't do even this. In the bloomfes she is met with all of her failed paintings, the sinking girl she tried drawing over and over again but failing and getting her so stressed to the point of throwing her sketchbook away. She tried to quit under the impression she wasn't enough. In her art classes, she is met with many people much better than she is. She feels crushed when seeing futaba's drawings, and her critiques are always harsh and she always feels bad about it. Even after deciding she wants to go to tokyo university of arts, she cries her eyes out when explaining to yukihira that she understands she is not good enough for a school like that but that it is her dream. Her art account rarely gets recognition, when she still had her selfie account, all the notifications she got were from there and not her art (yeah i feel you Ena it happens to the best of us) which made her so so sad, she always hoped someone would see her art and no one did.
Living with so little approval, so little recognition, her sadness turned her into a beast. After her father had told her she didn't have talent, she became depressed and irritable, she shut herself in her room to avoid him, she had arguments with her family, and even more with her brother. We know that when being really stressed, Ena hurt him physically a couple of times (Akito's and Toya's convo about the scratches on his arm, Toya thinking it was a cat and Akito explaining it was Ena). And so her family stopped pressing her. She avoided her father like the plague, and he never looked for her, never apologized, never spoke to her (At least untill knowing the unseen). Her mother saved her sketchbook, kept quiet about it because she didn't want to make her feel bad. Akito never really sat down to have an actual conversation with her, thinking she was too much to deal with, even if he still tried to show he cared subtly. Ena shut herself away from her family and when they sought after her she responded with violence, pushing them away, saying many, many hurtful things to them (and feeling very sad about it).
Enter Mizuki.
Makes a video with her art, ends up getting them both into niigo, becomes her friend, cheers her up. Teases her, teases her about her obsession with taking photos of herself and the places she goes to.
Ena putting herself out there for people to see in an attemp to get some validation, to get some compliments, to get some ilusion of self worth. It takes over her life, it becomes a habit, an addiction, even.
Mizuki slowly chips away at Ena's surface, getting under her skin, making her angry and self conscious. Ena feels guilt for her addiction to social media and exposing herself to the public. Mizuki likes all of her photos but teases her about it. And teases her, about every little thing she can think about, and always gets her worked up and annoyed, gets her angry and grumpy, makes Ena become everything other people distanced themselves from her for.
And Mizuki finds it fun and charming and doesn't leave her when Ena gets moody. Ena then finds being around Mizuki despite her being so annoying actually makes her feel comfortable. They hang out too often, become shopping buddies, stay late on call with each other (Niigo working audios in which Mizuki asks Ena to just talk to her until she gets sleepy. Ena tells her to just not distract her a lot, but talking with Mizuki is so easy Ena ends up in fact distracting herself and getting too into the conversation with her. They make me sick), and they are pretty much the only ones who talk all the time in the niigo hangouts. Mizuki buys little things for Ena and Ena can't resist her company.
And then Ena realizes there is something wrong with Mizuki, and she tries so hard to make her talk to her, Mizuki ends up getting scared and flees froom her.
Ena, is, as i said, someone who is very honest. She feels things too intensely and can't keep quiet about what she thinks. And if she is worried about someone she will express it loud and clear and try to get to the bottom of things. Except, Mizuki is an avoidant little shit, and gets scared when Ena asks what's wrong, and tells her indirectly to not pry in that low, coarse voice that scared Ena away. And then Mizuki regrets it as she always does and runs, runs far from her, and Ena is left there alone with her thoughts.
She sticked her nose where she shouldn't have. And Ena is met with her own intense, explosive feelings pushing an important person to her away. Again.
And so she goes and vows to wait for Mizuki and not press her until she decides to talk to her.
But i think we never dig deep into that, we never really think about the fact Ena always felt she was walking on eggshells around Mizuki. She knew asking too much would scare Mizuki and put distance in between them, which she obviously did not want because Mizuki is the closest person to her, aside from Airi who is also very honest and she didn't have such problems with. Ena is always mindful about Mizuki's boundaries, and worries she might lose her.
Ena is as insecure about losing Mizuki as Mizuki is about losing Ena. She knew a false step could bring everything down and that's why she decided to wait in silence, and when the moment came to talk to her, the opportunity was taken from them, and Mizuki again ran away from her. This time, Ena couldn't just stand and let her go, and chased after her, ran so fast her body was on fire, but when she catched up to her... nothing. There was nothing she could say, she didn't have nearly enough time to think about what to say that wouldn't hurt Mizuki, she didn't have enough time to think about a proper answer to the things happening, she was too terrified to do anything, because in a moment like that doing something wrong would be all that takes for her to lose the person that always stayed with her despite her flaws and fears.
And then Mizuki went on to ramble about how she didn't want any false kindness and Ena didn't know how to express all that she did was genuine, and Mizuki went on to tear herself from Ena's hands and apologizing and running away again. And Ena did not chase after her this time because she did not have anything properly prepared to say, and she witnessed a loved one spin out of her reach again, all because she worried too hard. And we know how she suffered the days after that, looking for Mizuki not only because she was worried about her, but also because she didn't want to be left alone again. She had finally been seen by someone, and been treasured and loved, and now she was all alone again.
And in writing Ena's complex relationship with validation is rarely explored. She was always scared of losing the people she cared about because of her clumsy way of showing her feelings, and she was always sad about being recognized only by her looks and her body. Ena always had a heart too big and no one ever had the bravery to take the handful her twisted and complicated emotions are before Mizuki took it in her arms and embraced it. Mizuki was always a safe space for Ena and Ena always felt comfortable and seen for who she really was and she was scared of losing her place in Mizuki's life and her place on earth.
Writing romantic tension on Ena's side is something that can be very rich, she always yearned to be understood and be apreciated, and Mizuki gave her all that, and the tension resulting from her finally being aknowledged and actively chosen is huge. She is seen and adorated with all her chips and cracks, and still, she is fragile and heavy. She could be dropped to the floor and broken in a million pieces at any moment. She was, before, before she met niigo and Mizuki. She pieced herself back together with their help, but the fact that she is whole again does not mean she is any less fragile. Ena feels a lot and it could be too much for her sometimes. She was scared of being seen and disliked, being seen and being labeled as not enough again. But she was chosen and loved and that is such a beautiful aspect to be explored in writing. A beautiful vase accepted, almost like a kintsugi piece. Loved for and despite her cracks.
And this results in the sexual tension being much more deeper and important. Ena had to resort to her physical image to receive the approval she so desperately craved. She put herself on display for the sake of feeling even just a little bit of love. She was objectified and sexualized. But Mizuki always poked at her for this. She always teased her, little by little making Ena realize this was wrong. And even when Mizuki liked her photos she never, ever objectified her. Mizuki always saw Ena beyond her body, she always saw her as a beautiful person outside of her looks. And even if Ena's obsession for her image was something that was wrong and hurt her, Mizuki never really shamed her for it. She was always playful about it and never sought to actually make Ena feel bad. Instead, she accepted it along with all that Ena is. It was a part of her, one Ena never liked, and one Mizuki respected as much as the rest of her. Mizuki respects Ena and her complicated relationship with her body and self image because she understands how hard it can be to get caught up in trying to keep an appearance to be validated. Both of them needed femininity to feel good about themselves, and i think Mizuki's dysphoria helps her understand Ena's relation to her body better. And this is so beautiful!!! Ena's relationship with sexual behaviour is really deep and intricate, and i think it needs to be explored more.
MizuEna is much more than a strong x insecure ship. Both of them are so scared about different and yet similar things, and both of them chose each other despite it. Both of them chose each other and chose to love the other and all that comes with them. They love each other in the good times and the rough ones, they love each other in the most sincere and pure way, sigh, young love...
