Love Gone By
I told myself I wouldn’t write a reset theory fic, but it is @mmangstweek soooo here we go! For Day 4:Reset / 4th Wall Break
MC doesn't exactly recall all the details of the resets but she gets glimpses into her “past lives” with each RFA member when something triggers a memory, like a smell, or a sound or a certain expression or phrase, etc. The others don't recall them (I couldn’t do that to them XD) she bears the weight on her own while trying her best to enjoy the current “timeline” which in the case she's with Saeran (since he’s currently the last route, but also cuz I’m Saeran trash) and hoping that she won't have to leave him the way she’s apparently had to leave the rest of them.
----
It was hard for her to spend time with the RFA, even with how much she loved them all. It seemed like every time she spent time with them she would “recall” memories of being with each of them. Memories that felt lifetimes away and yet also felt just like home. She remembered what each of them had been at their best, would see flickers of the ideal version each of them had the potential to become. Each time was so hard on her, but how could she ever tell any of them? She couldn’t do that to them, She couldn’t do that to Saeran.
-
One time she’d been talking with Yoosung about LOLOL. He had mimicked a character with an eyepatch, closing his left eye and quoting a character line when suddenly her face dropped from its jovial expression into one of stark white seriousness.
Suddenly, she remembered how hard he had fought for her, how he had tried and ultimately succeeded in keeping her safe. Her eyes darted across the room for a second, landing on someone else. Was it him who had hurt Yoosung? Was it him who Yoosung had gone through all the trouble to protect her from? The sudden realization of irony nearly knocked the wind out of her.
Her eyes focused again on Yoosung, still going off about new buffs and nerfs in the latest patch. He’s such a passionate person, and she knows he’d go to any length for the right person. She knows because in one universe that person had been her. She remembers evenings in his apartment, filled with impassioned ramblings about different animal’s anatomies, and how fascinated he was with his studies. She remembers walking through the park, hand in hand, smiling.
She remembers waking up, a head of messy blonde hair on one side and a soft grey and white cat on the other. She remembers how hard she cheered for him as we walked across the stage to receive his diploma. She remembers toasting him in congratulations at the party the RFA had thrown for him. She remembers displays of passion in the office of his private practice. She remembers the man he had become with a little love and has to excuse herself to take a walk outside to hide her tears.
-
And then it was Zen. They were at the debut party for his latest musical. Zen was on cloud nine after a flawless first night. Not even the sight of Jumin entering the room could dull his spirit. As soon as his eyes landed on MC he was bounding over to her, full of energy.
“Jagiya!” He had called excitedly. God, she really wished he’d stop calling her that because every time he did the memories would flood in. Every time he said it was like an arrow had shot her straight through the heart. She almost wished Saeran would pull the jealous card, tell him that she wasn’t Zen’s ‘Jagiya’. But he never did. She wasn't sure if Saeran just didn't mind, or if he just didn't want to cause an issue. Either way, she could never bring herself to ask Zen to stop herself, selfish as ever.
He pulled her into a tight hug and before she could remind herself to hold her breath she was inhaling the scent of tobacco mixed with his cologne that smells like fresh linen. That, combined with the low murmur of the party guests had her right back in the moment of his press conference. When he had unashamedly told the world about her without a doubt of fear for his career in his mind.
She remembers how angry he had been at who she now knows as Saeyoung for not telling him where Rika’s apartment was, she remembers biting the hand that she was holding just a moment ago. She remembers gripping Zen’s waist tightly and speeding down city streets, getting far, far away from the man that now shares her bed. She remembers heated moments in make-up trailers and a completely different bed. She remembers scarlet eyes, just centimeters from her own. With the power to hold for hours, simultaneously terrifying and beautiful. She remembers taunting the ‘beast’ just for the thrill of what would come.
When they separated, her eyes were moist.
“Jagiya, what's wrong?” Zen soothed, immediately concerned.
“Nothing Zenny,” She choked out “I’m just… so proud of you. You did so well tonight.”
Zen chuckled nervously. “Ah. haha Wel, thank you. I didn't mean to move a woman to tears, but what can I say? I guess I'm just that good.”
She giggled, stepped back, and wiped her eyes as gracefully as possible. “Yes, yes, you are.”
-
Another time she was visiting Jaehee, going over plans for upcoming RFA events. Jaehee had left her momentary. MC figured she just went to go use the bathroom, but when she returned a lovely scent followed her. Jaehee placed down two cups of coffee. Just by the color, MC could tell Jaehee had gotten it just perfect.
“Delicious,” MC commented taking a sip, hoping to wash down the sudden lump in her throat.
“I don’t mean to brag, but I believe I can make quite the cup of coffee,” Jaehee said brightly.
Suddenly a memory of Jaehee swiping a bit of stray frosting from the tip of MC’s nose comes to mind. The Jaehee in her mind giggles magnificently as her long brown locks bounce around her bright, well-rested face. She remembers the way that face had greeted her that morning with a gentle kiss full of love, and a self-realized happiness this timeline’s Jaehee didn’t know.
Suddenly it was MC who needed to take a trip to the bathroom because she couldn’t let Jaehee see her cry. Jaehee had much to worry about, she didn't need to worry about MC too.
-
For some reason, whenever MC looks at Jumin she feels sad. He’s always well put together, he always keeps everyone together but who keeps Jumin together? Especially now that no one had heard from V since her and Saeran left Mint Eye.
It had happened during an RFA meeting. They had become accustomed to hosting the RFA meetings in the conference room off of Jumin’s office. Jaehee and Jumin were always there, and Saeran was often being contracted to help at C&R as of late, so the location made sense. The subject of this meeting wasn’t a party though. The subject of this meeting was Rika and V.
The RFA was turning over a new leaf, but before they could do that there were a lot of things that had to be explained. Saeran tried his best to piece together his timeline with the rest of the RFA, explaining how he came to be under V and Rika’s care and then eventually just Rika’s care, before transitioning into his memories of the beginning of Mint Eye. Under the table MC squeezed Saeran's hand gently in encouragement, knowing how hard it was for him to talk about this, even if he was getting more used to it.
She glanced over to her other side, where Jumin was seated at the head of the table, the new head of the RFA in V’s absence. Where she was met with a very distraught Jumin, his expression was pained, eye’s closed as his head rested on his left hand, his right hand balled in frustration on the table’s surface.
Gently with her free hand, she had reached out, touching Jumin’s shoulder in concern. He had opened his eyes abruptly in surprise and stared wide eye-ed at her gesture, before fixing his posture into something rigid and more typical of Jumin Han.
A moment later he retreated to his office where MC could see him remove a bottle of brown liquor from his bottom desk drawer and poured himself a glass before sitting defeatedly in his desk chair. She let go of Saeran’s hand and patted him on the shoulder, to let him know she’d be back and that he should continue.
“Jumin?” She had said softly in the threshold of his doorway. “Can I come in?”
He didn’t answer but nodded his head in permission. MC had stood next to him, and leaned her weight against his desk casually. “This is probably a stupid question but, how are you doing?” she asked.
“Nothing I know makes sense anymore, It is as if my head is in knots,” Jumin replied, taking a healthy drag from his glass.
That sounded so familiar. She had heard those words before. Her eyes focused past him to the view of the city from outside his office window, and although she can’t recall ever going to his home, she knows it’s almost the same as the view from his penthouse.
And then she remembers. Days spent in his penthouse, him begging her not to leave, her not wanting to give up on him. She remembers the fear in his eyes, the fear of losing her. She remembers V talking some sense into him, she remembers him on one knee. She remembers V behind a camera wearing a smile as he photographs their wedding. She remembers a honeymoon made for a queen and an agonizingly slow consummation that was so, so worth it in the end. She remembers a small head of black hair and a smile on Jumin’s face that most people wouldn’t even think was possible just before he kisses the crown of his newborn baby boy in her arms.
Jumin keeps everyone together, but who keeps Jumin together? Once, it had been her. She feels a tear well up in her eye as she thinks maybe she can still be there for him, even in this universe. Even if she can’t bring him the joy she once did, a joy that he isn't even aware could exist. She brushes away the tear and steals herself.
“I know all this new information about Rika and V is hard for you to hear. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks earnestly.
His eyes widen in surprise that someone would take a moment to consider his place in this.
-
Saeyoung was the hardest. Partially because he didn't even have to be there for the memories to come. In fact, she had recalled him before she even met him.
She and Ray we’re sitting across the table from each other in her room when she first arrived at Mint Eye. She had said something silly, she can’t even recall what it was now. That wasn’t what was important anyway. What was important was the way Ray’s face had lit up at whatever it was she had said, the way he laughed wholeheartedly, a brilliant smile gracing his tired face, and then the sudden sense that she had seen that face before, but different? It was like the colors were wrong, but the tired look of adoration he was giving her was the same. The bend of his lips and the way his eyes quirked up on the sides was so familiar it felt like she had known him her entire life, or at least someone who looked shockingly similar. But that didn't make any sense until it did.
She could avoid the faces of the others all she wanted, but she couldn't avoid Saeyoung’s. She couldn’t avoid the sheer fact that Saeran and Saeyoung shared a face. And that sometimes when the light would hit her boyfriend’s face just right when he’d smile just the right way. She’d remember. She’d remember a vastly different version of her current lover - a version that wasn’t her lover at all, but her brother-in-law. She’d remember days in an apartment she’d never been to. She’d remember tip-toeing about the place trying her best not to disturb a certain red-head with glasses. She’d remember breaking down an emotional wall, and a comfortable embrace padded by the many layers of clothes Saeyoung always wore. She’d remember a desperate, passionate night of love-making in which they both ended up in tears, overcome with emotions and fear of what the next day would hold. Not wanting to lose each other.
She’d remember the struggle it was to get Saeran out of Mint Eye, something that seemed vastly foreign to the way he had left on his own in this universe. She remembers hard nights in a bunker that looks similar to the one he lives in now, yet not the same. Holding Saeyoung, reassuring him he was doing everything he could, that he had always done his best.
She remembers when it got better again. She remembers an endearingly-dorky, digitally voiced, proposal that was so him there was no way it was a false memory. She remembers a 3 person family, and a space-themed wedding. Then a fourth person, She remembers holding her newborn daughter in one arm and her husband's crying face in the other as he whispered “thank you” over and over again through sobs.
She remembers 3 heads of red hair, one smaller than the other two, all cuddled together on the couch, having fallen asleep while watching a movie. She remembers a happy heart and a home full of laughter.
And a tear would streak down her cheek, she’d try to hide it from Saeran. But there was never any hiding from him. He’d rush to her and hold her gently in his arms ask what was wrong. She’d blame it on something else and sob into the crook of his neck. He wouldn’t push it. He knew some things weren’t easy to discuss, he only hoped that telling her he loved her and that everything would ok would be enough for her.
-
And then, there was V. No, not V - Jihyun. In the end, he had done all he could for her and Saeran, had tried to right his wrongs. But at what cost? She hated the fact that he went back to Rika. Every bone in her body screamed for her to stop him from sacrificing himself, to go back and drag him out of there. But there was no convincing V, he was surprisingly stubborn despite his gentle appearance.
The moment she and Saeran had passed over the threshold of that cabin it looked so familiar. She could have sworn she’d been there before, maybe even a few times? But when she mentioned it to Saeran he’s pretty sure that’s impossible. He showed her where they were on his map app and surely enough, she’d never been to this part of the country that she could recall.
Still, everything in there looked so familiar. She already knew where everything was, knew her way around the place, but how? Her eyes settle on the couch, plain by all accounts but again, too familiar.
And then it happened, She remembered. She was sitting here on the floor next to this couch. Holding a hand that was cold and damp as anxiety and fear weighed heavily in the room. Other people were here also, but she can’t recall who. Her fingers carded through soft, silky hair that was a beautiful shade of blue-green. It was V. She remembers taking a walk with him and then leaving, she remembers regretting that decision almost instantly and red hot anger. She remembers a phone call with the man currently sitting at the table in this reality that broke her heart. She remembered decisions that were too hard to make, and then an explosion that made her question everything.
She remembers a hospital and then the image of V walking away from her. She remembers a very lonely two years and the image of Saeyoung crying. And then she remembered an RFA party, the way her heart soared at a familiar voice and then V’s face.
“Please, call me Jihyun now.” He had said to her. The Jihyun in her mind looks vastly different from the man she had met that week in the current timeline. This Jihyun was happy and healthy.
She remembers brother’s hugging and a huge relief. She remembers the face of her current lover marred, but beautiful as ever. She remembers Saeyoung crying again, but this time not in grief. She remembers a proud look on Jihyuns face as he watched the scene, a tear of happiness welled up in his eye.
She remembers a slow, sweet romance between her and Jihyun. She remembers watching him learn to love again. She remembers laughing and slinging paint at each other in his studio and a long-awaited kiss that quickly turned into a wonderful out-pouring of emotions. She didn’t even know V painted…
She remembers Sunday dinners with Jihyun, Saeran, and Saeyoung, in a modern style house with so many windows they didn't even have to turn on a light. She remembers a sense of forgiveness around that table so abundant she gasped. She remembers a small girl, full of energy as she talked about her many uncles. She didn't give birth to her she knows, but she had loved her all the same. She remembers lazy mornings in an unbelievable comfortable bed and Jihyun’s smiling face.
She gasps out loud as a sob had broken over her. Luckily Saeran was busy talking to the intelligence unit and hadn’t heard her. How could she even have begun to explain what she saw in her mind’s eye? She would learn to get used to this in time to come.
-
She doesn't understand how any of this is even possible, the universe can be so cruel. She loves the RFA, each and every one of them, in a way she can never explain to them. There's nothing she can do about it except support them each in this current world and hope someday another person would make each of them happy the way she had once done. She hopes that all of them can be safe and happy in the end.
She looks over at her boyfriend, knowing this is the best version of him and hopes she never has to see him any of the other ways she knows are possible ever again.