Mario Kart is a pretty big deal. Quite possibly the biggest deal. Perhaps even bigger than Jesus? Now let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Mario hasn't even been crucified yet! But all I'm saying is that Jesus only had one extra life, but Mario can have as many as he wants as long as he eats enough Mush Rooms. It's really only a matter of time. Jesus better sleep with one eye open.
Either way, we have clearly crossed a threshold where "Mario Kart" is a viable ecological niche, and that means it's time to bring on the Creatures that fill it!
We all know traffic cone, the concept of which was first invented in Mario Kart Wii back in 2008. This invasive species of freshwater clam can be found on Daisy Circuit, and would gradually spread out to more and more courses over the next few games, bringing new variants with it. Like Ice Cream Cone from Sweet Sweet Canyon!
Would you eat?
But for the most part, between Mario Kart Wii and Mario Kart Tour, traffic cones didn't change too much. They became less punishing to your momentum, but beyond that retained a pretty consistent red-and-white striped design. For major innovations in traffic cone technology, we'd need a newer, more powerful console that could handle such a thing. With the dawn of the Nintendo Switch 2, it's clear that such innovations were more-or-less an inevitability.
And with Mario Kart World, we finally got that innovation: the debut of Hermity Cone! Under each and every traffic cone in the game can be a Li'l Creature, and that's wonderful. And the best part? Said creature is ostensibly a crab! Or at least, a different species of crustacean that evolved into a crablike form that isn't even very crablike at all. Hermity Cone is a perfect example of carcinization in action!
But what are the gameplay ramifications of adding a brand new animal to the world...?
Not a whole awful lot, really! They serve the exact same function as traffic cones in previous games, and you can plow through them just as easily. In fact, there's even a mission in the game that encourages you to! Now it may seem rude to mercilessly plow through a horde of wild animals, but consider:
Hermity Cone sticker.
Really though, the main gameplay ramification of Hermity Cone is that sometimes, when you look at a traffic cone, you will see a little freak pop out and be delighted. And I think we can all agree that's Good Game Design! Sorry, Chunky Kong! This post is not for you! Get outta here!
Stumblebot might be one of the coolest WarioWare microgames ever. I know that functionally it's not any different from any other microgame in WarioWare: Twisted!/WarioWare Gold, but every time I play it I'm still kind of amazed. What do you MEAN rotating my game console changes the gravity of this world? That can't be right. There has to be some sort of sorcery involved. Magic is real, and it's being used to make WarioWare microgames. (Which is the ideal use case, I'm pretty sure.)
Even if Stumblebot wasn't a technically impressive microgame, I wouldn't care, because in the WarioWare Gold version, you play as this thing! We've sung the praises of "eyes in a black void face" many times here on WeirdMarioEnemies, but it bears repeating: Ya Hoo! I Love Eyes In A Black Void Face Forever! Yay Yay Yippee! Woooo!
And it doesn't just end there! The light blue hood is a fantastic choice of color, and the way it's stylized, deliberate or not, brings to mind the Flatwoods Monster, one of many Rare West Virginia Ws.
Of course, that's just the WarioWare Gold version of this microgame, because you didn't always play as this Stumblebot.
In the original version of this microgame from WarioWare: Twisted!, you play as this iteration of Stumblebot instead, which is much more clearly "robot", and also much more clearly generic!
While I'm rarely ever disappointed to see a cartoon robot in any context (even a tremendously mid one like Fútbot), this Stumblebot character design doesn't leave much of an impression. You can buy twelve of these plain boxy robots for a nickel at your local Best Buy. Not much to talk about here.
(Of course, functionally, the microgame is still cool as hell. Arguably more so, since it's on less impressive hardware, and it's a full-fledged boss microgame in this one!)
In WarioWare Gold, this microgame got a major aesthetic overhaul, which I think we can all agree was for the better! Well, maybe one of you disagrees. Who am I to disagree with the fact you're disagreeing?
But as for me, the sunset color palette, rainy background, and of course, titular Stumblebot all give this microgame a very striking visual identity! I mean seriously, look at that robot. Did somebody say "transition goals"?
"I did" - Stumblebot
Oh cr*p! It's Stumblebot herself! Stumblebot, I am so honored to meet you...! Gosh, I don't know what to say! You're such a transgender icon!
Oh, I should probably provide some context for that. Because not only did Stumblebot get a redesign between games, but she also Transitioned! Compare the microgame's description from Twisted...
"Don't fall, Stumblebot! Change the direction of gravity to ensure that he doesn't!"
...to its description from Gold!
"The walking spell I cast on my doll will stop working if she falls over. Alter the direction of gravity to keep her upright."
Look at that pronoun shift! No longer is Stumblebot a run-of-the-mill generic Stumble Guy, now she is a boundary breaking Stumble Gal! We don't have to ask, because we know for a fact: estrogen saved her.
Of course, there's probably someone really obnoxious, hopefully someone who isn't reading this post, who's thinking "Uhhh, are you sure that's the same Stumblebot? The WarioWare Gold description clearly emphasizes that's an enchanted doll."
And to that I have a simple retort:
Yeah no shit she's a doll what do you think the whole last part of the post was about
Name: World 7-3
Debut: Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels
⚠️ WEATHER ADVISORY WARNING ⚠️
Our forecasters have reported winds of "strong enough to move a human person" miles per hour across the Mushroom Kingdom. Officials have advised citizens to stay inside in a room without any glass windows, secure any outdoor objects, and do NOT do any precarious platforming challenges. We repeat: do NOT do any precarious platforming challenges under these conditions! These winds have been reported in...
I'm sorry, what's the name of the place we've seen these winds in again? Can we get like, a postcard from there or something?
Oh wow! Those platforming challenges look very precarious! Glad no one has to be there right... hold on, I'm getting a call.
Hello? You're on a quest to save the princess? This is a mandatory part of your journey? No getting around it? Strict time limit? I see. Well, you'll be remembered. Bye!
Recently I have been playing Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels, you know, the game Howard Lincoln took one look at and said "No."
And you know, he makes a good point! This game has its reputation for a reason. The reason being "this game has some serious problems". If you want a good picture of my mental state playing this game, all I'll say is that I nicknamed this trio of Koopa Troopas in 4-4 "TV Tropes".
But you know, while playing through it, I've grown to appreciate this game in a new light. Granted, my time with The Lost Levels has been far from an authentic experience. I'm playing it via Super Mario Bros. Remastered, with back-scrolling enabled, timers turned off, mandatory hidden blocks being made visible, and game overs sending you to the start of the level rather than the start of the world. So you know. The Lost Levels doesn't suck so bad when it doesn't suck so bad. Who could've guessed?
But through playing it, I've grown to really like the feeling of playing through a challenging level, slowly becoming aware of all its tricks, and gradually improving until you get the satisfaction of the clear. Don't get me wrong, it sucks when the game forces you to nail three Paratroopa jumps in a row while wind throws off your jump trajectory, but that just makes it feel all the better when you pull it off.
Then there's the levels that aren't really testing any sort of skill whatsoever. The levels that are just some stupid bullshit made by the devs for a laugh. 7-3 is one such level.
The main gimmick of this level is Super Springs, aka spring, but green version. Unlike normal Springs, these launch you really high, like "way up off the screen" high, meaning you basically only have the position of the screen scroll to tell where you are. These appear a few times prior to this level, but 7-3 basically consists entirely of small platforms with a single Super Spring on them, forcing you to jump from one spring to the next. I mean, there's technically other platforms but like...
Are those Piranha Plants really getting a bite out of you? Probably not! The Super Spring effect lasts so long that they're probably gonna be malnourished forever. Maybe you should offer them a bite, just to be nice. No, there is not a Piranha Plant typing away at a keyboard and furiously licking her lips as she said that and I don't know why you'd think otherwise.
Given basically everything but the springs in this level is completely irrelevant, the game needs some sort of obstacle to trip you up, and that's where the wind comes in to play. Wait, have we talked about wind on the blog yet? We should do that.
Name: Wind
Debut: Well if I said the concept of "wind" came from Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels I would look like a fool huh
it makes your jumps harder to time
that's it really
Given how small basically every platform in this level is, the wind can mess up the precision needed to get from one spring to the next, but it's not all bad! The wind carries you to the right side of the screen, allowing you to get more distance out of the Super Springs! Without it, you might have to actually do some of the platforming challenges. Shudder! I hate to think of such a thought.
And that's about it for 7-3! There's some firebars at the end, but for the most part it's just wind and springs and not a whole lot else. A really ridiculous and really stupid level, but maybe one of my favorites for exactly that reason.
Anyway what if they put it in the game again
It's the exact same level, but with Lakitu now. That's it! I don't really know how much of a difference they make, since you're gonna be above them most of the time anyway. They don't even spawn in the back half of the level.
Maybe he's not trying to be an obstacle. Maybe he's just here to feed the Piranha Plants. The "C" in "C-3" is for "Chow Time!"
Man, it's been a long time since I've written a post on an irrelevant Splatoon musician, huh? The last one was what, Keaton back in 2021? And that was for an April Fools event! He didn't even have a localized name back then! Now, nearly all the minor musicians have localized names, and we have a whole entire Splatoon 3 as well!
Splatoon 3 was an exciting prospect for us Irrelevant Splatoon Musicians Fans. Everyone was wondering what it would do to shake up the metagame. Would they finally nerf Wet Floor? Would Chirpy Chips remain a dominant top-tier? And what would become of my beloved Ink Theory...?
With an entire update cycle having come and gone, we have answers to all these questions! "Into the ground and then some," "more than ever," and "they're back in Ska Form".
Meet Yoko & the Gold Bazookas, my favorite new band in Splatoon 3! Pretty easy to get that title when you contain half my favorite band from Splatoon 2, but the new developments are just as if not more exciting. A blue-ringed Octoling? Our first non-Inkling squid character? A tall goth girl? All wonderful new additions to the Splatoon canon!
I honestly really wanted to write a post on all of them, but a seven-in-one combo pack post isn't really something I can afford in this economy, so we're just gonna have to settle for a post on Tosh, okay?
Tosh is the band's baritone saxophonist, and right out of the gate makes a strong first impression with their character design. I am easily won over by glasses so thick they obscure your eyes, but glasses just translucent enough to reveal a complete lack of eyes? We're only just starting and we already have a 10/10 character design!
The big floppy hat... the flannel shirt... the fact their entire body is seemingly made from thin appendages arranged in a vaguely humanoid shape... The moment I saw this character design, I instantly fell in love. And I mean that literally. I want to both look like this and date someone who looks like this. I'm Tosh4Tosh!
But for a long time, the character design was all we had! We didn't even have a name for this character until over half a year later, and it took about a year after that to learn anything about them! Hell, fans couldn't even figure out what species they were supposed to be! Lots of people thought they were a blue button, but I wasn't convinced. Not with a mouth THAT echinoidean.
Thankfully the release of BancalaWalker last year gave us confirmation that Tosh is supposed to be a flower urchin! That explains why they look so urchinlike without having any visible spines! This also puts the total percentage of sea urchins on the Gold Bazookas at 42.85%, the highest in Splatoon history, possibly explaining why come they're so awesome.
But what else did we learn about Tosh...? I had been fawning over this character for the past year and a half, but barely knew anything about my celebrity crush! Could they have dark secrets that would leave my dreams celebrity crushed?
Only one way to find out. Thankfully, we live in an age where we actually get fan translations of Splatoon art books in a timely fashion rather than having to rely on blurry screenshots posted online thanks to people like @rassicas and the fine team at splatoonlore.ink, so we can hear straight from the source...
"A baritone saxophonist whose activities are based overseas. In the brass band they joined in middle school, they lost a game of rock-paper-scissors and got saddled with playing the baritone saxophone no one else chose. However, they now have no intention of playing anything else. When a funny story is told, they laugh for such a long stretch of time that they're frequently witnessed laughing all on their own."
Name: Hot-Hot Rock
Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder
You know something I love about the Mario series? Its tendency to use reduplication to put emphasis on certain words. You thought your average everyday mountain was tall? Well this is a Tall Tall Mountain. You've never seen docks quite this dire before! And it's not even just adjectives that get in on the fun! Rock Rock Mountain, Ice Ice Outpost, I love that something can be more "rock" or "ice" than something else. Sometimes a word is so nice, you just wanna say it twice twice.
Hot-Hot Rocks are one of the latest additions to this long-running Mario trend, and also one of our latest Cubic Companions! You know, Blocks are very important to the Mario franchise, but how many enemies can you think of that are blocks...? The answer should be a lot. This was a Mod Hooligon Trick and you may or may not have fallen for it. I can't tell unless you tell me, alright?
Hot-Hot Rocks first appear in the level Hot-Hot Hot! (this is an example of a linguistic phenomenon known as "threeduplication"), where they serve as one of the primary obstacles. As long as Hot-Hot Rocks are Not-Hot, you can stand on them like any other platform. But when they start glowing red, you better get out of the kitchen, because Mario and friends can't stand the heat!
Of course, a little water is all it takes to turn Hot-Hot Rocks into Not-Hot Rocks for good, so spray them with Elephant Mario's trunk or a precariously placed pot of water, and they won't be able to hurt you anymore!
Hot-Hot Rocks have a symbiotic relationship with another new enemy called Kerpop, which will probably get its own post someday, likely courtesy of Mod Chikako. These guys act like Goombas most of the time, but when they touch a hot Hot-Hot Rock, they will pop and begin jumping around! How cute! This attention to detail is what makes Super Mario Bros. Wonder truly special.
That's about all there is to Hot-Hot Rocks, but we're not quite done yet, because this post is about to get all philisolophical(sic)! Because as Weird Mario Enemies, an important part of that title-we-love-to-defy-and-love-bringing-up-how-much-we-love-to-defy-it is knowing what an "enemy" is to begin with. And so we must ask ourselves: what is an enemy? What separates an enemy from an obstacle? And is there even a meaningful difference...?
I can't say I can give you an answer. But I can give you a bunch of thought exercises under the cut! You like those, right?
You do like those! Thanks for looking under the cut, I really appreciate it.
So if we want to have a discussion of what counts as an "enemy" in the context of a video game, we should probably have a rough definition of what we think an "enemy" is in the first place. It's tough to look for edge cases of something that doesn't have any edges.
I personally think a good starting definition is along the lines of "a character designed with the intent of hurting the player," or something roughly like that. And now that we have a definition, we can scrutinize the hell out of it!
On the left we have Thwomp. Thwomp is a classic Mario Enemy. The kind you'd see featured on @regularmarioenemies. We invite Thwomp over for dinner every Sunday, and Thwomp always smashes the dinner table because that's just what Thwomp does. On the right we have Karamenbo. Karamenbo does the exact same thing that Thwomp does, but it doesn't have a face! And despite the fact they act the exact same way, this simple design difference leads to most people considering Thwomp an "enemy" and Karamenbo an "obstacle"!
Is the difference between an enemy and an obstacle really something so simple as having a face? And if so...
What do we make of Lava Bubble, another Classic Mario Enemy that only sometimes has a face? Are they only an enemy when they have a face? Or are they allowed to always be enemies in spite of their occasional facelessness? Or alternatively, are they prohibited from being enemies despite their occasional befacedness? I don't know, and my "the fact I am writing for this blog" tells me I should probably be an expert in this field!
And what about Moonsnake? What could easily be dismissed as a simple obstacle like a Spike Bar is revealed by in-game text to be a living creature! Does this allow it to be classified as an enemy instead? Does something become an enemy just because there's text saying it's alive? Do ghosts and robots count as alive? Is a thorny flower an enemy instead of an obstacle, or does the specific choice of the word "creature" make a meaningful distinction here?
What if I told you there's official text calling Karamenbo a type of Thwomp, does that change your perception of it?
And we haven't even started touching on the idea of whether or not enemies need to hurt you. Let me ask you an important question...
Are Hoppos enemies? They can not hurt you. Whenever you touch them, you just bounce off, and sure, you might be bounced into something that can hurt you, but Hoppo is just an animal. Is it really Hoppo's fault? Could Hoppo be charged with manslaughter for bouncing Mario into a bottomless pit? Are bottomless pits a type of enemy?
Flomps, Bomps, these can not hurt you directly, but they can cause you to get hurt! And they're relatives of Thwomp, too! Do these factors matter in defining them as an enemy? Bomps act basically the same as the Push-Blocks from Super Mario Odyssey, and the wiki classifies those as mere platforms!
Is mayonnaise an enemy? I don't even know anymore!
Basically, enemies are a subclass of obstacle but there's not really a meaningful distinction that separates them. Literally the only thing that separates an enemy from an obstacle is the Vibes. Nothing else matters! Sorry! But what does that mean for our blog...?
Absolutely nothing! As I've said multiple times, we stopped caring about that distinction ages ago. We're hardly even a Mario blog anymore! I just wanted to subject you to my ramblings because I've had this in the back of my mind for a while now and well I had to say it somewhere.
And since I subjected you to several paragraphs of ramblings that amount to basically nothing... am I an enemy...?
That's right I'm making an excuse to talk about Deluxe Hot Dog. From Picross 3D Round 2. You can't stop me! You're not my mom! Unless my mom happens to be reading this post in which case hi, mom! I didn't know you read WeirdMarioEnemies. I hope you're proud of me.
Deluxe Hot Dog is the second puzzle of the Going Gourmet book in Picross 3D Round 2, following the Fancy Cheeseburger. And I gotta say, that's a really funny way to open your set of puzzles based on Gourmet Cuisine. Just random junk food arbitrarily labelled as being Classy so it'd fit with the theming.
I almost expected the set to continue in that fashion! That's right. Premium Pizza. Posh Popcorn. Sequin Milkshake. Bow-Tie French Fry. It doesn't, but I wish it did.
But what makes Deluxe Hot Dog so special...?
It's the description. Look at this! Even the humble hot dog can become a gourmet delicacy! Even the humble hot dog! And something about that feels beautiful to me. I mean, if there's hope for the humble hot dog, then I like to think there's hope for all of us.
I like to imagine the existence of a separate Humble Hot Dog puzzle, which is the same but without the colorful 3D shapes on top. A hot dog that has yet to find the right ingredients... how tragic! And people say Nintendo games can't make them cry anymore.
I don't know if people say that, and even if they do, the Humble Hot Dog Puzzle doesn't exist. And also this game is technically by HAL Laboratories. I'm trying okay?
That's right! Ever since like, a month ago, we've received official confirmation that we're getting a new Mario Kart game that isn't Mario Kart Tour! Rejoice!
Yes, it's an exciting time to be a Mario Kart fan. After all, a new game means new courses, new drivers, new items, new gameplay mechanics, and all that jazz! I mean, 24-player races in the fantastical world of Utah? That's some exciting stuff!
But almost just as exciting as the new courses are the new old courses, especially when considering how much Mario Kart 8 spruced them up! Also, it's just way easier to to predict returning courses than new courses. Look: I don't have a time machine shaped like a crystal ball. I could say "Oh yeah, Mario Kart 9 will definitely have a new course called Toad's Wastewater Treatment Plant," but I'd just be making that up. I don't have a source! I can't show you the bibliography! I'm sorry.
Not that I can completely accurately predict retro courses either. Look, I can be as methodical as I please, but I don't work at Nintemdo. We know next to nothing about this game, so all my predictions are really just shots in the dark here! But it's fun to load a gun and haphazardly shoot bullets in a cave! Who knows! Maybe we'll end up shooting some of the retro courses that will be in Mario Kart 9!
My dearest condolences to Toad's Factory.
Retro predictions begin under the cut!
Oh wow, you thought we were gonna get straight into the retro predicting? How does it feel to be The Fool right now, The Fool?
Really though, I just want to get all methodologologilical[sic] first. Just get out some of the key assumptions I'm making so you can better understand why I've made the choices I've made. Alright? Cool. Cool.
I'm assuming there will be 48 courses in the base game, and by extension, 24 retro courses split across six cups. Given the goal of this game is to move people to the Nintendo Switch 2, and every Nintendo Switch 1 owner and their mother and their mother's dog owns a copy of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, going from 96 courses to a mere 32 courses feels like a considerable downgrade. Given that Mario Kart 8 Deluxe has 48 courses without the DLC, this feels like a good baseline going forwards.
I'm not sure what to make of the mainline status of Mario Kart Tour. I'm leaning towards it being technically mainline, due to its content being ported to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but it's definitely not a traditional Mario Kart game. So I will be including courses from it in my predictions, but courses that have only returned in Tour are basically on the same level of priority as courses that have never returned at all to me. Speaking of which...
I plan on prioritizing courses that have never returned, but I'm not going to exclusively limit myself to courses that have never returned. We're reaching a point where some games are really slim pickings for retro course options if we're only considering ones that have never returned, and given Nintendo has shown they're comfortable with double-dipping in places like Mario Kart 8's DLC and Mario Kart Tour, I think it's safe to say Mario Kart 64 won't be dragged out back and shot after they bring back Wario Stadium.
HOWEVER, I will NOT include any courses that have returned in Mario Kart 8!* This does include the Booster Course Pass for reference, so I apologize to any courses that were given underwhelming remakes there. Someday you'll get the remake you deserve, Sky Garden. Courses that originated in Mario Kart 8 are still fair game, but given that again, the goal is to move people to the new console, you probably don't want too many courses they can already play on the game they most certainly already have. Don't worry about the asterisk yet. We'll get there when we get there.
And as for more general goals, I'm looking for solid aesthetic diversity, a respectable difficulty curve, and a decent balance between games. None of these are really hard rules, since everybody will define them differently, and the exact amount they matter is hard to judge. I mean, I would like to keep the games relatively balanced, but it makes sense why the Booster Course Pass has eight Wii courses and two SNES courses. This is because Wii courses tend to be "pretty damn fun", as opposed to SNES courses which tend to be "utter dogwater".
Fun factor is also an important thing to keep in mind here. Why waste precious development time on bringing back courses nobody wants? I'm sorry, but no amount of spit-shine will ever save Figure-8 Circuit.
Okay, I think that's about everything. Now we can get into the part of the post you probably actually care about: predicting the retro courses!
SHELL CUP
Wii Luigi Circuit
Ah, the classic "boring starting course". Boring starter courses are interesting, because they brought back like 50 of these in Mario Kart DS, but ever since Nintendo has kinda been avoiding these like the plague. Unfortunately, now we've kinda reached a point where for games with slim pickings, "boring starter courses" are some of the only courses they have left. I feel like we're gonna have to bite the bullet at some point and bring one of these back, so it may as well be Wii Luigi Circuit.
Also motivating this pick is the return of the Luigi Tires sponsor, which was featured on this track back in Mario Kart Wii! Obviously this is a pretty minor connection, but I kinda get the feeling the reason they'd bring a sponsor like this back is if they're also bringing back a course that featured it. Ultimately this is what gave it the edge to me over Figure-8 Circuit. Well that, and the fact that there's no reason to spend development time on Figure-8 Circuit over literally any course that isn't Figure-8 Circuit.
3DS Daisy Hills
Daisy Hills! I don't really have a ton to say on this one. Its "alpine village where a young witch would look for a lost cat" setting is fairly unique by the standards of early-game courses, and given the list of courses that have never returned consist largely of mid-to-late game courses and "boring circuit tracks", having a course like this feels like a good pick.
SNES Koopa Beach 1
I would like to take a moment to curse Super Mario Kart for not having interesting course themes. It becomes a pain to pick specific courses from a game where literally every course theme has better alternatives from other games. Because when I'm prioritizing aesthetic diversity, picking a boring Super Mario Kart track is kind of by extension shutting out the better options from other games, right?
So figuring out what courses from this game to pick was basically a game of figuring out which theme had the most acceptable losses, and I concluded it was probably the beach courses. Apologies to Cheep Cheep Lagoon and Cheep-Cheep Island, but neither of you is interesting enough to warrant not picking an SNES course over you. And actual sincere apologies to Dolphin Shoals!
MK8 Sweet Sweet Canyon
Rounding out our Shell Cup, we have our first returning course from Mario Kart 8! Given Mario Kart 8 is ripe for the picking, it's likely we'll see a solid handful of courses from it, and since Nintendo tends to avoid putting multiple courses from the same game in a single cup, my choices are gonna have to be spread out across the difficulty curve.
Sweet Sweet Canyon isn't really one of my favorite of Mario Kart 8's original courses, but as an early game course with very unique theming, it feels like a pretty safe pick for a Priority Retro course to me. There's not really any thematic competition for "courses made of candy"! My only hope is that if my predictions are accurate and they do bring back this specific course, that they brighten up the color palette a bit. The amount of detail here is gorgeous, but the colors have always felt slightly too drab for the theming to me.
Also yes, I'm using "MK8" as the abbreviation for returning Mario Kart 8 courses and not "Wii U". I know that typically the abbreviation is based on the console and not the name of the game, but given the existence of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, the fact it has battle courses unique to it that should probably be put under the same label, and the fact Nintendo probably wants to acknowledge the Wii U as little as possible, I think using "MK8" as the abbreviation feels like the right call.
BANANA CUP
DS Delfino Square
Given Mario Kart DS's options for courses that have never returned are "starting circuit", "Bowser's Castle", and "Rainbow Road", and all of those are competitive slots, I think it's likely we'll see a bit of double-dipping for this game. That's probably a good thing, because DS has some awesome courses that aren't in Mario Kart 8!
Case in point: Delfino Square, which feels like one of the most-requested courses I saw for the Booster Course Pass that never got added. But maybe we should be grateful, because now it can be saved for a remake with good graphics! I've been a big fan of this course ever since I was a kid, mostly because of the music (which I'd love to hear a live arrangement of!), but the course itself is pretty cool too I guess. Glider ramp on the drawbridge whenever it's up? Would that work?
N64 Frappe Snowland
Mario Kart 64 is another game that's slim pickings in terms of "courses that have never returned at all". Given I'm trying to include at least two courses from every game here, picking another N64 course was kind of a challenge. Most of the picks I would've gone for are in Mario Kart 8 already, because if not for the Booster Course Pass, Choco Mountain and Kalimari Desert would've definitely been in the running. And lots of the other choices that felt decent, like DK's Jungle Parkway or Banshee Boardwalk, have alternatives in other games that felt higher priority.
So I'm going with Frappe Snowland. This course hasn't really been in a traditional Mario Kart game since Mario Kart DS, so I think it feels like a solid candidate to get another remake. I mean, it's a pretty generic snow course as-is, so it might be due to get a modern reimagining. I'm imagining a cozy little winter town near the starting line, maybe having some similar vibes to the winter variant of Animal Crossing.
Do you pronounce it "frap" or "fra-pay"? I'm in the fra-pay camp but I'm pretty sure the other one might technically be correct due to the lack of accent over the e, but I'm also not sure if that's so much a hint of the pronunciation so much as "leaving off the accent for convenience sake". Both are technically valid I'm pretty sure, so I won't fight you if you're in frap camp. I promise.
Wii Toad's Factory
Look. If there's one course I would put actual real money on being in the next game, I think it's Toad's Factory. Yes! Even over the courses from games that literally have only one course that has never returned! Wario Stadium is boring and faces competition from Wario Colosseum, and I'm not sure to what extent Tour counts as mainline as far as Piranha Plant Pipeline is concerned, but Toad's Factory? I can't think of a reason you wouldn't bring this one back.
It's one of the only courses from Mario Kart Wii that has never returned, it's a fan-favorite course, it's an early-game course with unique theming when "courses that have never returned" tend to skew late-game, not to mention that Mario Kart Wii is a favorite game for fans and Nintendo alike. Literally the only reason I can imagine Mario Kart 9 not having Toad's Factory is if Mario Kart 9 doesn't have retro courses at all. That, or if my methodology is way, way off. But like, Nintendo knows what courses fans like! They have to see the demand for Toad's Factory, right?
3DS Shy Guy Bazaar
Look. I'm gonna come forwards and say it: I'm pretty sure this course is what we in the industry would call "orientalist as hell". I'm definitely not the most qualified person to speak on this subject, but given what I have heard from people who are, it's very much giving me the vibes of "mystical, vaguely Arabic desert kingdom" that all of us should frankly be tired of seeing at this point. This isn't really a course I think I want to see brought back.
But this isn't a wishlist. This is Predictions, and unfortunately I do not have the faith in Nintendo to Not Be Orientalist, considering how much this sort of thing has continued into even their most recent output. And like, as far as the things I am prioritizing when I make my list go, I'm pretty sure Shy Guy Bazaar checks all the boxes. It has unique theming, and datamining suggests it was very nearly put in Mario Kart 8. I think this one feels like a shoo-in, even if I don't really want it to be.
FEATHER CUP
That's right! More retro courses means I have to predict new retro cups as well! I think the Feather Cup feels like a good retro cup choice, since its presence as an item in Super Mario Kart and its absence from most later Mario Kart games gives it a distinctly "retro" feel.
Oh, and speaking of Super Mario Kart...
SNES Mario Circuit 4
For a long time, I saw people question why Nintendo would bring back the Mario Circuits so much compared to other SNES courses with more distinct theming. After all, if you're going to have to dedicate a slot or two to SNES courses, you might want to pick the less boring themes, right...? But while this sounds like a logical train of thought, I think I have since seen the light of day. The reason they bring back the Mario Circuits is because they can get away with being boring.
Because the Mario Circuits can pass off their "being boring" as being like, a retro thing, right? Like, you can try to make an interesting rendition of Donut Plains or whatever, but ultimately you're just putting lipstick on a pig. Donut Plains 3 is always gonna be one of the most boring courses in Mario Kart 8, even with a gorgeous graphical overhaul! The Mario Circuits, by virtue of being thematically boring, don't have to pretend they are anything more than what they are: boring SNES courses.
...I'd still like them to do something interesting with Mario Circuit 4 though. I mean, GBA Mario Circuit got an anti-gravity U-turn. It's worth a shot.
MK8 Sunshine Airport
Something you need to know about me is that "me making retro course predictions for Mario Kart 9" is NOT a new thing. I've been doing this basically ever since Mario Kart 8 came out over a decade ago, and ever since then I have felt reasonably confident in one thing: I think Sunshine Airport is gonna be one of the first Mario Kart 8 courses they bring back.
Literally everything about Sunshine Airport feels like a "priority retro course" to me, in the same vein as Coconut Mall or Music Park. Unique theming? Check. A level of complexity that gives it flexible positioning on a difficulty curve? Check. Approval from the fans? Check. Hell, even if Nintendo decides not to bring back anti-gravity, this course doesn't need it! All it amounts to here is one singular turn where the anti-gravity feels shoehorned in to begin with!
It feels weird to be so, so confident in a Mario Kart 8 pick when literally every original course from that game is an option, like I can't say I'm confident in Sunshine Airport to the same degree I'm confident in like, Toad's Factory or Wario Stadium or anything like that, but I dunno. Sunshine Airport almost feels like it was made to be a retro course.
Or maybe I've just been so weirdly confident in this specific idea for so long that it's just drilled itself into my head, I dunno.
Tour Piranha Plant Pipeline
Say hello to literally the only Mario Kart Tour course that didn't make its way into the Booster Course Pass! Yes, that's literally my only reasoning for including it. But if Tour courses are in fact in the running, then that's basically the only reason you need. This course wasn't in Mario Kart 8 and the only other place you can play it is a mobile game where it's only in rotation for like, two weeks of the year.
I don't think this is one of Tour's best original courses, it's decidedly mid-tier compared to the likes of Squeaky Clean Sprint, Yoshi's Island, and Ninja Hideaway, but it'd be nice to have it in a more accessible place. In Mario Kart 8 it'd feel redundant with Piranha Plant Slide, but here it probably won't have that issue.
Funniest outcome for this course however, is if they treat it like the other non-city Tour originals in the Booster Course Pass and try to pass it off as a new course for some reason.
GBA Broken Pier
I think it's funny how much Nintendo has fallen in love with Mario Kart: Super Circuit lately. For the longest time, GBA courses were given the short end of the stick with only one or two returning courses per game. However, when they started giving retro courses more dramatic overhauls in Mario Kart 8, they realized that GBA courses, unlike SNES courses, actually have interesting themes that are conducive to cool remakes, and now there are barely any GBA courses they haven't brought back! Which is to say there's two, and one of them is Broken Pier. Hi, Broken Pier!
Look, this is not a fan-favorite GBA course by any stretch of the imagination. I often see this considered one of the worst courses in the game. But how much does that actually really matter? When it comes to creative liberties taken with retro courses, GBA courses tend to get the most dramatic overhauls. As long as you keep the theming in tact and a vague facsimile of the layout, you can basically do whatever you want with these courses when you bring them back.
Given I think the atmosphere of this course is "pretty dang cool", that's all that really matters. Nintendo has free reign to do whatever they want with this course, because who's gonna complain about an unfaithful remake of Broken Pier?
LEAF CUP
MK8 Wild Woods
To be honest, there's a ton of courses from Mario Kart 8 I've considered putting at the start of the Leaf Cup. Shy Guy Falls, Dragon Driftway, and Super Bell Subway also feel like solid choices to me, but I'm going with Wild Woods for the silly reason of "cup-appropriate theming". This isn't something Nintendo does a ton of, but given in the past we've seen Maple Treeway in the Leaf Cup, DK Jungle in the Banana Cup, Rock Rock Mountain in the Rock Cup, and 3DS Rainbow Road in the Moon Cup, it's definitely something that does happen. It's enough to sway my opinion on this subject ever so slightly.
Either way, this is definitely the part where "literally every Mario Kart 8 course is in contention" is coming to bite me.
GBA Lakeside Park
Lakeside Park is another of those courses I really don't have to say much about my inclusion of. There's a bit of competition for a "jungle course spot" from Dino Dino Jungle and DK's Jungle Parkway I think, but given this one has yet to return in a traditional Mario Kart game, it feels like a more likely option to me. I just hope they reintroduce a little bit of the complexity in the layout that was lost in the Mario Kart Tour version of this course. I dunno what's up with Mario Kart Tour and oversimplifying the layouts of GBA courses in particular.
Wii Dry Dry Ruins
So many Mario Kart Wii courses are in Mario Kart 8, that based on my somewhat arbitrary "no repeat retros from Mario Kart 8" rule, narrowing down potential Wii courses is not really a challenge at all. Like, we're probably getting Toad's Factory, we're probably getting Dry Dry Ruins, and then pick one of the other three courses off a wheel and throw that one in, too.
I see a lot of people say they don't care for desert courses, but I'm kind of under the impression that they really just mean Dry Dry Desert and Bone-Dry Dunes. And maybe Yoshi Desert, but I don't know how many people even remember that course exists. But like, every other desert course in the series seems to have a solid reception with fans, right? I've seen lots of people clamoring for Dry Dry Ruins, but that might just be because "Mario Kart Wii fans" are a very vocal crowd, and they just think the shortcuts here are really cool. I can't blame 'em.
3DS Wario Shipyard
Something I've realized from my various attempts at Mario Kart 9 retro predictions from over the years is that lots of the courses that seem like viable options for retro picks are Wario courses. N64 Wario Stadium is basically a given, but Wario Shipyard is probably one of the most distinctive 3DS tracks, and Wario Colosseum and Mount Wario are both big fan-favorites too. Dang Wario, you need to cut it out with all your "courses that kick ass"! You're stealing valuable real estate from all the other characters!
I don't think Wario can hear me, and even if he does, he probably doesn't care. We know he's a greedy man. He probably feels so smug about "stealing precious real estate". I bet he's gonna get a new course of this caliber too, because that's just the kind of course Wario makes at this point.
MOON CUP
That's right! Second new retro cup! I went with the Moon Cup, and put it between the Leaf and Lightning Cup to act as the new retro parallel to the Star Cup, because that just feels right to me.
MK8 Electrodrome
This is the last of my picks for returning Mario Kart 8 courses, and feels like another relatively safe pick. Not as safe as Sunshine Airport, since it'd be considerably worse-off without anti-gravity, but there's this one butte in the background of the trailer which looks like it could be an anti-gravity section so we're probably fine on that front.
Anyway, all the stuff I've been saying across this post applies here also. Unique theming, well-liked by fans, you know the drill. Really, how much do I have to keep repeating these things? You know what my lines of reasoning are, do I have to keep saying them? Is this interesting to you? Are you interested right now?
Uhhhh this course was given a spotlight in a trailer for the original Mario Kart 8 on the Wii U. So I think Nintendo likes it also. That's a little more in its favor specifically.
GCN Mushroom City
Forget about every other course I've talked about on this post. If I have to single out the course I want to see return the most, it's this one. Frappe Snowland? More like CRAPPE Snowland! Mario Circuit 4? More like Mario Circuit BORE! Mushroom City? More like Mushroom Sh... no wait this is the one i like
Anyway, Mushroom City is cool as hell and it's criminal they've never brought this one back. Definitely probably maybe a top 10 Mario Kart course for me. I dunno. I haven't played Double Dash that much. But I've played it enough to know that I like Mushroom City, okay? I don't know if any other traffic course really sells the feeling of driving through a big city as much as this one, what with all its branching paths.
I really appreciate how they handled the branching paths here. On a course like Yoshi Valley, there's only one route that's actually good, making the whole gimmick feel kinda meaningless, but here everything feels even enough that no path feels unviable, especially with how the traffic patterns can influence your decision-making! And also the music is great and begging for a live band rendition. Make it happen, Nintendo! Mushroom City has spent too much time not returning, and not enough time... returning.
I mean, it feels like a pretty likely inclusion to me. I feel people have reappraised this course as being "really really good" lately (rightfully so!) and it's also one of only four Double Dash courses that have never been brought back. The other three include the coveted Bowser's Castle and Rainbow Road slots, as well as Wario Colosseum, which WOULD feel like a good candidate if not for...
N64 Wario Stadium
Man, I'm glad I put these courses back-to-back in my retro predictions. It wasn't specifically for that segue, but it makes for a damn good segue.
Poor, poor Wario Stadium. Literally the only course from Mario Kart 64 which has never been brought back, which I think kind of makes it an auto-include for these retro predictions, even if we don't want it to be. Something funny is that, having looked Mario Kart course ranking lists for over a decade now, I've seen the public opinion on this course shift dramatically in real time.
Like, ten years ago I saw this course frequently ending up on "Top 10 Mario Kart courses of all time" lists, with people talking about how cool it is that it's like a real dirt bike stadium, and how funny it was when you hit an opponent during the big jump and they had to repeat half the race.
But nowadays it feels like the popular opinion is "there's a good reason this is the only N64 course they've never brought back". Like, now everyone thinks this course is just really long and boring, and the opinion on Big Jump Snipes have shifted from "funny and cruel" to "just making the course even more of a slog to get through." Time has not been kind to N64 Wario Stadium.
But if anything, I think that's why this course needs to be brought back, right? To get the makeover it deserves and get some time being a less terrible course. I'm pretty sure the addition of tricks as a gameplay mechanic alone would improve it significantly, let alone more dramatic changes you could make to the layout. Worst case scenario, you give it the Wario Colosseum treatment and make it a two-lap course. (Or give it the N64 Rainbow Road treatment and make it only one lap, but I don't think that'd work out here.)
I have to clarify: the fact there's a long Wario course set in a stadium that's basically an auto-include is the sole reason I'm not putting Wario Colosseum on my retro predictions. Sorry, guys.
DS Airship Fortress
You wanna know why DS Airship Fortress is on my Mario Kart 9 retro predictions? Because it wasn't in the Booster Course Pass. That's it. Like, this course is a big hit with fans, it was in Mario Kart Tour already, and basically everyone agrees it was a baffling exclusion. So at this point the most logical conclusion I can think of is "it wasn't in Mario Kart 8 because they were saving it for Mario Kart 9".
That's really all I have to say on this one.
LIGHTNING CUP
3DS Maka Wuhu
Did you know? The two Wuhu Island courses are literally the only Mario Kart 7 courses which have never returned! Granted, lots of the others have only returned in Tour, which feels like the world's biggest edge case, but like, it's weird we haven't seen the Wuhu Island courses at all, right? I feel like people like these courses quite a bit. I mean, they brought back Wuhu Town as a battle arena in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, so I don't think they're off the table.
Really, I've kinda been skirting around the crossover courses, because I'm not sure what to make of them. I'm definitely under the impression Mario Kart 9's not gonna be the "Super Smash Kart" or whatever some people have suggested, given the trailer exclusively shows Mario characters driving through an area not based on any Mario game in particular. I don't think Super Smash Kart would include Baby Rosalina on its roster.
But like, I don't wanna dismiss the idea of Mario Kart 9 having crossover content completely, because I could totally imagine it sticking around on a smaller scale, akin to... well, Mario Kart 8! And even putting that all aside, I kind of feel like the Wuhu courses are almost a weird exception to being "crossover courses" since they were in the main game of Mario Kart 7? I dunno. At this point I'm making weird and arbitrary rules for myself for the sake of making weird and arbitrary rules. I don't think I can explain my logic in a way that makes as much sense as it does in my head.
Tour Ninja Hideaway
Hey, so remember way, way earlier in the post when there was an asterisk when I mentioned my rule about no repeat retros from Mario Kart 8? Well here it is! It's Asterisk! You see, I wanted to include at least two courses from every game, but this proved to be an issue for Mario Kart Tour in particular, since all but one of its courses were included in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. So I broke my rules, right? Well, not exactly...
Because Ninja Hideaway didn't return in Mario Kart 8.
See how this course was labelled in Mario Kart 8? It wasn't Tour Ninja Hideaway, just "Ninja Hideaway". Legally speaking, Ninja Hideaway did not return in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, because it was a new course in that game too, for some reason! So none of my rules have been broken. This is, legally, the first time Ninja Hideaway will be a retro course.
Obviously, this sort of logic is incredibly silly, and barely makes any sense at all, but knowing Nintendo, I'm kind of under the impression this is the exact sort of logic they operate under. So I'm sticking by it! I think this would be a cool Lightning Cup pick. I like it for a lot of the same reasons I like Mushroom City (thank you well-balanced branching paths!), and I feel like some of the sharp turns here would make it well-suited for the late game.
DS Bowser('s?) Castle
Did you know? This course is just called "Bowser Castle". Not Bowser's Castle, with the apostrophe s. I don't really know why. I kind of expect them to change it, since they did with all the GBA Bowser's Castles in Mario Kart Tour, but they didn't with SNES Bowser Castle 3, so I really don't know. Either way, you too are now cursed with this information!
Anyway, given my two other picks from Mario Kart DS are both double-dips, I figured I should include one course which hasn't returned yet, and I'm going with this one. Figure-8 Circuit is probably the worst course of all time, and I think there's better candidates for a retro Rainbow Road, but Bowser('s) Castle? I mean, I've seen a fair share of fans who really like this one. I figure it's about time to bring it back.
For some reason, Nintendo hardly ever brings back the endgame Bowser's Castles, but I figure they gotta start chipping away at that list at some point, and having it as the penultimate retro course before a Rainbow Road just feels right. Speaking of which...!
GCN Rainbow Road
This was a pretty big toss-up between GBA Rainbow Road and GCN Rainbow Road for me, but I'm going with this one. I know GBA feels like the logical pick, since we got SNES in Mario Kart 7 and N64 in Mario Kart 8, but now that Mario Kart 8 also has SNES, 3DS, and Wii's Rainbow Roads, I'm not sure how much that order really matters anymore. And besides that... GCN just feels more iconic. It's the road that you go when you die!
Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna discount GBA completely, partially because of The Cycle, partially because it's one of the only GBA courses left, and partially because I think you could do a lot with a cool remake, but at the same time, let's be real with ourselves: if any Mario Kart game is the least iconic one, it's Super Circuit. I love its Rainbow Road a whole lot, but I don't think that's the one you show off in a big trailer to get fans excited for the first big Mario Kart game in over a decade, right?
Also, GCN Mushroom City feels like a very likely retro course, and you can see it in the background of GCN Rainbow Road, so uhhhh yeah. Checkmate, atheists! GCN Rainbow Road is real and there is nothing you can do about it!
Okay, so maybe my logic is a little flimsy, but as I said at the start of the post, I can't predict the future! Ultimately, I don't know why or how Nintendo decides which courses they want to bring back, and all I can really do is try to infer patterns based on what they've done in the past. But you know how it is with apophenia. We're all the time seeing patterns we want to see that aren't really there!
Ultimately, this is a game we know very little about, and it would be foolish of me to pretend that I've boiled any of this down to a science. Really, the reason I'm doing this is because it's fun! It's fun to think about hypothetical returning courses in future Mario Kart games using bogus patterns that don't really exist!
Also a big waste of time. Thanks for indulging in this big waste of time with me, everyone!
(if your favorite course wasn't included on this list, please imagine it as post-launch DLC. thank you.)
