#modzhav

[scaronhiatus]

Okay so I just wanna know what this would be considered. So when i was in the first grade, the girl who luved next door would always want us to touch each other and stuff, and idk it felt weird but it didn't cause me stress or anything. And when i was a bit older the younger boy next door did the same, even if i didn't want to. During hide and seek he would hide with me and wanna play with each other. Like, neither situation caused me issues but i kinda forgot them because i feel wrong for it

Technically— This would be considered child-on-child sexual abuse. If you were to put a word to it. Only you can define your experience, however.

CoCSA can be a super-tricky thing, because. Adults will say things like “Kids will be kids!” or “Oh, every child goes through a phase of experimentation”. And that is not strictly true. That kind of mentality normalizes an experience that may well be incredibly traumatizing for someone, and in doing so, invalidates their trauma.

If you feel that your experiences haven’t affected you negatively— that’s great. Keep feeling the way you’re feeling. Everyone deserves to feel okay.

If you do somehow feel that the experiences left you with bad memories, you are completely allowed to feel that way. Your trauma is valid. Your healing process is valid.

Remember to breathe, okay?

~Zhav

[scaronhiatus]

One of the managers I work with constantly makes rape jokes or says "wow we got RAPED" whenever we get super busy. I've talked to him about it and I've asked him to use other verbs, but he continues to do it. How can I get him to stop without bringing up that I'm a rape victim? I'm tired of having to walk away to have panic attacks in the bathroom, but I'm not ready to tell anyone about what happened to me

The workplace is a difficult thing to navigate sometimes when you have coworkers that don’t understand the implications behind their words, or just don’t care. It makes the environment feel unsafe, trust me Anon, I know.

If you have talked to him about it and he refuses to change his wording, the next step might be talking to his supervisor. Something like “So-and-so uses work-inappropriate language during his shift, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.” That supervisor should give him a verbal or written warning for that, because it really is not appropriate to be saying anything like that in that context at a workplace.

You don’t have to bring up that you are a survivor in either of these conversations. The fact that the language is happening on the clock, in a context that could be replaced with SO many other words (seriously, there are so many synonyms for “busy”, the word rape is not), should be enough for the supervisor to step forward and take action.

The next step would be discussing the matter with your Human Resources department, but it doesn’t always get to that if the supervisor does his/her job correctly.

Be prepared to make a written complaint, if the supervisor/HR department requires it to have as documentation in the event of a written/final warning. But again, there is no need to mention your status as a survivor, only that his language is unprofessional and unnecessary. 

You have every right to feel safe in your workplace, and it is your employer's responsibility to provide that for you. And if you work in a place that serves the public, there may be other survivors who have heard his language and decided to take their business elsewhere, which reflects back onto the company, and trust me, that's not something a business wants to have happen. They want employees who reflect their ideals and morals, not someone who spreads negative language and casts a shadow on how the company conducts itself. They are the ones responsible for correcting his behavior, not you, so you have every right to take your concerns up with them.

I hope this helps, Anon. I know it’s hard, but remember to breathe, okay?

~Zhav

[scaronhiatus]

I get really freaked out and panicky being outside in the dark for any period of time alone and I have just moved much farther north than I used to live so it gets darker much earlier here (I go to school and come back in the dark). Any advice for making myself more safe and making myself feel more safe?

It’s totally understandable to have reservations about being in the dark. A few possible coping mechanisms:

Walking with a friend. There is something to be said for safety in numbers, so if you have any friends or even lunch-buddies or anything that might live nearby, ask if they might be willing to walk with you. Conversation can also make the distance move past a little more steadily.

Carry a flashlight. Having control of the area around your body, even with a handheld beam of light, can do worlds of good. Bring backup batteries!

Stay grounded. Notice everything around you, every tree, every leaf, every snowflake. These things aren’t trying to hurt you, they’re trying to make your world a little more beautiful. And this awareness is also an exercise to notice any changes around you.

The dark is tough for many survivors, friend. I hope this helps a bit. If our followers have any input, by all means, share your coping skills for dark weather!

~Zhav

[scaronhiatus]

Hi I just wanted to know if you got an anon tagged sammiegirl? No rush, I just wanted to make sure because my phone got all messed up and idk if it sent or not

Yes, it's there, we are currently rather backlogged, but our mods are moving through them as quickly as we physically and mentally can. Please be patient with us.

~Zhav

[scaronhiatus]

I am a victim of cocsa as well as being a rape survivor of 9 years. The people who assaulted me were all family. I have a boyfriend who knows this and even though I constantly tell him that sex makes me feel gross and I dont get the deep emotional meaning of it he says he understands, but he makes me feel like shit. I feel like if I dont sleep with him he'll cheat on me. He always makes the topic about how he feels like I just dont like having sex with him. I dont know how to make him understand

I personally feel that your boyfriend sounds like he’s being gross and coercive in the way he goes about discussing sex with you.

If he truly understood that sex makes you feel gross, then he should respect that. 

Making the conversation about himself instead of about you and your feelings is a big red flag. It sounds incredibly invalidating for you, and I absolutely see how you might be discouraged at his so-called “support”.

If you try to talk about it with him again— ask him to say nothing and simply listen. Tell him how important it is that he truly hears your words and takes them to heart. Tell him how you feel when he needles you about it the way he does, when he turns your trauma into his inconvenience. Tell him it hurts you when he does this. 

How you are feeling is completely valid. Your emotions are yours to have and to feel. And if it makes you feel gross when he pulls shit like this, you have every right in the world to feel that way and to express that. 

Remember to breathe.

~Zhav