#mojo posts

[jo-the-schmo]

Guess who’s got a boyfriend now apparently?

Me.

I’m gonna call him my s/o tho because it’s more accurate.

Anyways yeah that’s my life now

[jo-the-schmo]

Beauty in my world

I'm gonna make a WHOLE post about this because it means a lot to me and I will be reblogging the shit out of this. My name is Jozi, my mom picked that name because she wanted me to look like the celebrity she picked it from. Tall, blond, curvy, beautiful. I was born with dark skin, black hair and chubby cheeks. A year later I did a complete 180, very white, light brown hair, way too skinny. Skinniness has always been my biggest issue. I truly believe that you can feel body shame no matter what you're body looks like. It especially depends on the references in your life. Growing up, I was always surrounded by plus sized women. My mom, my sisters, my aunts and even my cousins were all considered to be plus sized or burly. I saw these women, they became my standard of beauty. To me, a strong and beautiful woman was someone who had shape. Even as a kid, I knew I wasn't that. My cousin, a year younger than me, was much bigger. She played sports and was popular and my family paid more attention to her. Meanwhile the only time I was ever given attention was about how skinny I was. How unnaturally thin, different. People thought my dad, a single father, was having problems raising me, I wasn't being fed. As I got older, I despised that side of me for more than just that reason. I'm not sure if other people can relate to this, but when you're smaller and quieter than everyone else, people think it's easier to take advantage of you. So I decided to try and fix the problem. I decided to eat more Way more I would eat so much I would make myself sick, all in some futile attempt to gain weight. But no one noticed. I was as skinny as ever, during my preteen years, my family worried I could be anorexic. The complete opposite of what I was trying to look like. Even today, people say I don't look like I eat enough, all the while they don't know I eat on average 4,000 calories a day. More than double what I need to try and maintain some sort of weight gain. Once I started to voice my opinion, people started to harp. "You'll be glad for that metabolism when you're older!" "After you have kids, you'll wish you were that size!" I felt mocked, I've been ashamed of my body my whole life and now people are telling me to stop complaining. When I was about 13, my mom was finishing up her chemo for breast cancer. She took me to this clinic to help treatment patients feel beautiful, teach them how to do makeup and make head wraps. The women there immediately made me their model. I was used to this, having 4 older sisters gets you used to them testing makeup on you. But having professionals do it was something completely different for me! I felt pretty! I focused less on my body! I started to try and wear eyeliner and one of my sisters on my mom's side noticed and bought me my own little cream eyeliner pot. I was so happy! I was about 14 at the time and it was at this point, those 3 sisters from my mom decided to let me in on the competition. There was a secret competition between them, they would decide who had the best what. Sarah had the best boobs Marcie had the nicest butt Gretchen had the best nose, skin, eyes, etc etc! All the traits were split between the three of them and they all decided it was time to reevaluate. To make room for me. That day, I only got one point. Best eyelashes. It used to be Gretchen's To this day, that is the only point I have, I've never gained anything else. That day, my beauty was defined, by a single point of comparison. I wore my hair up more because it made me look older I wore more eyeliner and dressed differently so that people would stop saying I looked like a kid. But no matter what, I was the ugly, skinny one, even if no one said it. The awkward, sickly, weak link. Then high school started. I cut my hair short, I was always told I looked better with a bob so I tried something close to an asymmetrical one. I found my passion for makeup again, started to get better at it. Then things changed. My family was always complimenting me Saying I looked beautiful My aunt is a photographer, she's convinced I was destined for modeling. I never really got acne, a long neck that people began to comment on along with long legs that I was complimented for. Finally, I was beautiful! But then there was my mother and her other kids. They take one look at me, I'm wearing too much makeup. My contour is too dark Eyeliner too thick for how small my eyes are Eyebrows are too dark for my hair I told them I might want to be a makeup artist someday. "They don't get paid very much." Yes, I know. "It's a shame you don't go to a career school, that would be much easier." Yes, I know. I know, I am aware. Sometimes I think I'm too aware of my surroundings now. I pay attention to what people do when they see me. Old friends are shocked by my appearance People take a second glance when they see me in public Older men honk at me from their big truck, usually in packs of three or four It's what I'm known for The girl who does makeup I'm proud of it some days, I love to do it But in order to keep my love for it, I need to be critical. If I can tell myself that my makeup doesn't look as good as I could've made it, when someone comments on my uneven freckles, it means less to me. On the outside it seems like self deprecation, but that's just how it sounds, not what it is. I'm not destructive to myself, it pushes me to improve my skills. Honestly, even now I don't think I'm beautiful, I will always be the skinny girl with only one point for nice eyelashes. Beauty is an imprinted part of my life, it's always been there, in all shapes and forms. I love to polish what's already perfect, making pretty faces shine bright. That's why I try the hardest for myself People still say I'm too skinny, still say I'm wearing too much makeup I can't explain why me being hard on myself makes me feel better about it, but it does. Trust me, if you asked me a few years ago if I thought I was pretty, I would've laughed and said it'll never happen. But now, when I take that final look in the mirror after doing my whole face I say "I look beautiful." That feeling may not always last, it can go and I can feel insecure at any point. But I'm glad for that moment, just that one moment, I'm no longer too skinny, only having one point I have beauty.

[jo-the-schmo]

I realized that y'all haven't seen my hair yet! I think it's pretty okay XD

[jo-the-schmo]

My Biggest Fear That Seems To Not Have A Name

It’s 6 am and I’m thinking about stuff so I’m gonna spew it to all of guys.

I have a very weird fear, it literally petrifies me, but it doesn’t make sense at first glance, nor have I found a word to describe it.

To put it simply, I am afraid of being stuck. Not in the literal sense like I’m glued to the floor or something, more like I’m afraid to be emotionally stuck. The idea of never growing or changing or evolving as a person is my actual nightmare. 

I over-analyze myself a lot so I’ve noticed that this fear connects to several things. I have depression, I’m not going to lie about that. And I hate that I have it. I think I hate it even more than what most people would suspect. 

Depression isn’t just feeling sad, it’s a constant feeling of painful emptiness for me. It always feels like it’ll last forever and it makes me angry. I’m so scared that I’ll never get better, terrified that this feeling will be a constant. I don’t like constants. Most people find them comforting and grounding like “Oh I’m feeling bad so I can for sure rely on this thing” but I hate constants. Having something, especially a feeling, always present in my life is torture to me. 

My anxiety is only amplified by this fear. When I’m feeling anxious, everything feels so slow. Like it’s happening for hours when it’s only been 10 minutes. It always feels like it never ends and my fear of being stuck only makes it worse. 

I feel like the best part of being human is our ability to change our opinions for the better and grow as the people we are. The idea of never growing or expanding my mind past what I currently am is something that to me is actually worse than death. On a very serious note, that isn’t a joke. The prospect of me living and never changing is like living without a purpose. I would seriously rather be dead than be living with no change, as extra as that sounds,

Most people are afraid of change but I’m afraid of things not changing and moving forward. Whenever the thought of “I’m not doing anything valuable with my life” pops up in my head, it drives me crazy. 

I don’t want to be one thing, I want to be everything.

I don’t want to stay, I need to move. 

I can never be satisfied with who I am, I need to be better.

That’s always been how my brain works and I know I can’t be the only one who processes things like this. I would love to find a word for this. I’ve seen similar ones,

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body that inhabits in only one place, at one time.

Occhiolism: The awareness of how small your perspective is.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues you’ve always had, the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years. 

^that so far is the closest one and even that doesn’t feel quite right to me…

[jo-the-schmo]

WHERE ARE THE STORY UPDATES?!

Not ready, here's what's going on. I'm currently doing band camp all week. Now if you guys don't know how difficult band camp is...then please understand it is literally torture! I finally have the motivation to write but I can't due to how late I get back every night. So hopefully, after this Friday I should have plenty of time to work! I'll be finishing the Alex end then Do one of the requests AND ILL FINALLY START MENDING After that I'll finish requests and start my Pitch Perfect AU Let's see how this goes

[jo-the-schmo]

Common things Y/N is called in Breaking

Titania TT Star Starlight Child of Light Wildflower (^^shhhhhh that's Thomas's super secret nickname for her, don't tell anyone!)

[jo-the-schmo]

Update of fics

Sorry it's taking me so long to do things ;-; I have summer school because I'm stupid and that's throwing me off a bit Also summer work for real school And I'm constantly depressed/sick so my motivation is practically nonexistent But I'm going to try and get something out??? Maybe

[jo-the-schmo]

This is how I've spent my summer so far