XCV: No way out?
I’m losing so much life energy. I honestly feel the lowest of the low. And it’s not that feeling of low when I’m so desperate to find a way out. I just feel like there is no way out. I keep pushing forth and trying to see things at a brighter light no matter what type of position or situation I’m in. But truthfully, it’s becoming harder and harder each day. It’s just that… I try to stay true to myself no matter what anyone says about me and the things that I do. But once I feel like there’s no sense of trust whatsoever with the people I’m around all the time, then that’s when I start slowly losing face. My mom’s been talking mad shit about me lately. And it hurts, it does. It’s my mom. And she doesn’t realize it but she’s pushing me away more and more. What’s worse is that since I work with my Aunt, she tells my mother everything that I say or do. I feel so suffocated. I can’t breathe. I can’t be me. My dad who’s been so understanding has finally succumbed to the talk that my mom’s been putting out there about me. I mean… I’m their daughter. And all they’re doing is putting a bad name on me. Showing everyone that I’m a bad daughter. Making it seem like I grew up to be the worst person with no morals and no respect. And what makes things worse is that everyone else external from my family view my actions as.. Well not good to say the least. I mean it’s all double standards for me. Why is it okay for a guy to sleep with a number of girls but not vice versa? I mean it’s not necessarily okay, but it’s more accepted. And it’s treated more lightly. I mean in my eyes, if I want to sleep with someone and there are obviously no feelings, no current relationships, no crazy drama prior to the act, then what exactly is the harm? But in everyone else’s eyes it’s all just seen the same way. I’m a slut I guess. I knew people were going to say such things, but really being on this side of the stick, I see nothing wrong. It’s like nothing I do is accepted. I work hard to pay for my bills, and to help with my parents. But I go to work late, or leave work early and the people close to me see it as me not wanting to make money. I go out with friends and come home past 11:00 P.M. and I automatically hang out with delinquents. I have tattoos and I’m automatically a delinquent. I hate it. I hate it all. I have so much negative feelings welling up inside of me that I’m beginning to believe that my whole entire being is beings drenched in negativity and that my positive outlook is all a facade. I just want to be accepted somewhere. Not get taken for granted, not get judged by appearance, get acknowledged by my hard work and pure heart.. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this. It’s eating my heart out and crushing what’s left of my strength. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better, happier, and I don’t know who I can turn to for support. All I know to do is continue living like this. Which sounds pathetic, totally and utterly pathetic…